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oh! happy 2 announce i have GRADUATED COLLEGEEE yayyy
today i slept in until 8, lazed around reading fanfic and doing crosswords until 10, ate breakfast, and promptly got right back into bed for a 3hr nap. ive got a lot of sleep deprivation to make up for. life is good.
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what no one tells you about trying to be healthy is how much fucking food you have to eat. like i wasnt starving myself beforehand either, ive always eaten three square meals per day plus snacks, but like. rn im on a break between uni and work and ive been aiming for 10k+ steps per day and running 2-3miles every other day and like. man. ive doubled my breakfast calories and i still lost 5 pounds i didnt necessarily want to lose. i ate my three square meals today and im cureently contemplating second dinner. not to mention huge-ass bowl of fruit and sorbet (i love grocery shopping coupons). i bought 4 pounds of strawberries today and im expecting them all to be gone by friday. im so hongry im nauseous before meals. man i dont WANT to be shredded i want good cardio health and i want to feel safe from my own stomach. carrying around an emergency granola bar so i dont freaking hurl if i cant get food within 30min of starting to feel hunger-nausea gets old so fast
man they really aint joking about one of the side effects of zoloft (sertraline) (ssri) (antidepressant/antianxiety) being suicidal thoughts. and, well, as expected, tw for depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts/selfharm thoughts!
so fun thing about meee is i am on sertraline! for social anxiety and frequent panic attacks :) and it is a wonderful and lovely time if im being honest like my life pre-medication and post-medication for my freakass anxiety is night and day but whats interesting is that most or all of what changed was internal
before meds when i got stressed it was like i lost control of my brain or mentally checked out. i went through life like a zombie. i did not feel alive. weirdly enough this resulted in me still getting good grades. yknow how overworked plowhorses sometimes start to look dead inside but they keep on trudging along, sometimes right up until they keel over and die of exhaustion, because they don't know any other way to exist. yea thats how i went to class and took notes n shit n studied n all that. twas a miserable existence but at no point did i ever contemplate self-harm, even idly. and the closest i ever got to suicidal ideation was wanting to sleep for ages
after meds when i get stressed its like Wouf my body is experiencing a lot of Feelings. thoughts of gouging my eyes out or choking myself or making a holepunch in my cheek or knife between the fingers like the EEAAO papercuts. not serious contemplation but thoughts that spring up or bodily sensations like weird tingling in the places i think bout harming. lots and lots of mental and/or external murmurings that include "what if i killed myself" when i never thought about that before meds at all. not that im actually contemplating it now but i do think that jokingly saying it does indicate something unsettled in my psyche!
and like it really does make you wonder. clearly the meds have given me much more energy and a closer attachment to and awareness of my body, and i always feel like i am in control of it now. but suicidal attempts/thoughts/actions is a known side effect of many ssris. theres some speculation in the literature that this could be caused by the meds working just well enough to give depressed people the energy to actually commit, but there's no real good way to like judge that. yknow. like anecdotally i think thats totally true for me like before meds i didn't want to think about doing actions at all but after meds i am able to think about doing actions which may include selfharm.
TO BE CLEAR I AM OKAY! mostly. like all the fucked up shit is in my brain im not hurting myself or suicidal (but if u know someone who is also on antidepressants or in terapy. give em a hello from me <3) but yea sometimes it makes ya think.
anyway it's time to double these issues and give them to william eklund in a fic. yay <3
man they aint kidding serotonin syndrome is one hell of a drug. to be clear i dont have the fullblown hospitalization style rn but ive been gradually taking my ssri earlier in the day so that i can be a morning drugger instead of a night drugger (hoping to resolve some nausea issues) which necessarily means being slightly over dosage for a normal day. so now ive got irritability and the twitchies. and im not particularly keen on the twitchies
thinkin about my post-graduation employed life and podcast like. brent burns might become the emotional mascot bc i'll probably choose to introduce myself as burns rather than hex (hocks). beau bennett mention bc my plan is to adopt like 2 dogs and maybe a cat 1month into postgrad life and the dogs names are going to be beau and daisy because i like the name beauregard and i like the idea of being able to Fullname my pets when they are in trouble and after beauregard i want all my pets to be named botanically. but im gonna say its after beau bennett and kevin hayes (hayesy -> daisy if i stretch it). maybe call it barnburner or make a pun about scraping the bottom of the barrel bc i only want to podcast about the shittest teams in the nhl. dogs as my cohosts. dog interview segment at the end of each pod. beau what are your thoughts on draft pick number 209134. YIPYIPYIP. daisy any opinions on connor bedard's perfrmance this week. WROOF. shitty michaelsoft paint pod logo with a big-ass cartoon cat paw (me) and then my dogs faces. probably a bonus segment on the local hockey team wherever i end up
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What is happening,
absbabababa,,
how do you expect me to do work when i just literally want to die all the time like. sure i could prepare my apush essay but instead im going to run out of the house with twenty bucks and cry
