#hevria

PLEASE CLICK FOR BETTER QUALITY I WORKED VERY HARD

to you-

the first thing I regret, and the first thing I am sorry for, is doubting our relationship’s validity after reading an essay by someone I know called

“thank you for showing up”

“…if you love me, Show Up. It’s 90% of the matter. Show Up in every sense you can…the moments that touch me, the gift’s I would ask for in response to your question, amount to your presence. And when we boil it down,..what is love without presence?”

“what is love without presence?” 

Those words stuck with me for a while. And I talked about the concept with a friend, whose best friend lives miles away. 

“We are growing apart”, she said, “and it’s because no matter how much we love each other and support each other, she is not here in the moments when i need her the most. when I need her to hug me. when I need to hold her hand and listen to music and just laugh. when i need to see her smile. she’s not there, and it’s forcing us apart”.

and it made me think about you. because you and I are, albeit unconventional, the greatest platonic love I’ve ever known. but if love is not truly love without presence, what were we doing? was it love we were extending to one another? and without presence, would it last?

i spent a few days torturing myself, wondering whether there was any meaning in my life whatsoever after my “realization” that perhaps my relationship with you was as shallow as a kiddie pool. but oh man, oh man, I was so wrong, so wrong.

in July, I was trying to get plane tickets to come see you. i should have realized that the excitement and anticipation meant that our love truly did run much deeper.

because after days and weeks of saving money and being excited and waiting and checking flights, I called you and you told me that we'd have to scrap the whole thing, because your sister was sick, and I understood and I ached for you, and I actually felt my heart breaking. for myself, and for you, and for the pain I could hear in your voice. and when we hung up the phone, I cried for an hour before texting my mom and telling her she didn't need to make the reservations. this day was the worst day, the absolute worst of the summer, and here's why:

yes, knowing that I wouldn't see you was unbearable. that fact was proven to me in the two months following, when three out of five nights would be spent on the phone with a friend, crying because I missed you, I missed you, I missed you. I needed your hugs, your smiles, your hand in mine, your closeness. I needed it so badly, and I yearned for you. I never knew how to express that to you afterwards, and I always knew that you didn't feel the same. So I was quiet. And I was aching. And I still am.

But it was the worst day of the summer, not because it was the day I learned I would not see you, but because it was the beginning of weeks of exhaustion and worry and pain for you. it was the beginning of calling you and hearing your voice shake. it was the beginning of waking up each day and praying that it would get easier. it was the beginning of being 1400 miles away and not knowing how to help you. It was the beginning of your wretched, worrisome summer, and in reality I was so much more worried about you than I was about me.

and I beg for forgiveness. because this summer I learned so much, so much of it thanks to you, and I'm sorry that instead of telling you so and looking at things positively I let the negative things hold me back. 

I learned that I have friends, friends who love me enough to sit on the phone with me for hours whenever needed and let me cry about something they didn't quite understand, something I wasn't ready to openly talk about. I learned that I am strong.

but mostly I learned that that particular article which bothered me earlier this summer was full of shit.

what is love without presence?

well, physical presence is important, fine. when the stars align and we are together, I will hug you and watch you smile and laugh or cry, whatever you feel like doing, and I will do it too, because emotional release is healthy, and G-d knows I've been doing  plenty of it these days. And I will hold your hand and appreciate the heaviness of your palm in mine. I might have a little bit more trouble letting go.

but the girl who wrote this article didn't mention this, and it's everything. spiritual presence. It's what we've shared for the past two and a half years; it's what has kept me from breaking down in the moments when I miss you, because really, you aren't so far away.

this is for the time you mailed me a book called "attitude is everything", because you'd read it and found it helpful and thought I would too. this is for the card, filled with loving sentiments, sent with the book that would have been more than enough on its own.

this is for the words that have stuck with me for two years- "everything has a consequence"- words that stop me in my tracks when making a bad decision, coming to me in your voice, endearing and frustrating at the same time.

this is for every time you laugh while on the phone with me and I feel weirdly accomplished, like hell, I just made you laugh! I just made you release endorphins! how awesome is that?

this is for every time I text you after parties, in my typical lightweight drunkenness, telling you that I miss you and I love you, I love you and I feel so lucky to love you

this is for every photo I am lucky enough to have of the two of us, and for the fact that when I look at them, well, you'd might as well be right next to me

this is for the fact that you actually read every piece of writing I send, and that apparently you sometimes keep them because for goodness knows what reason I mean something to you

this is for the time I asked you over the phone if you knew how much I loved you, and I could hear the smile in your voice as you said "a little bit."

this is because I would not be here without you. and if all that doesn't amount to presence, I don't know what does.

You’ve Gotta Hear This!