#hetastates

How each (Western) state acts when they get the wrong order at the drive through.

Alaska: Pretty sure this guy sources a lot of the food that is served in the drive through to begin with. Despite this, that doesn’t actually have any effect on how he behaves when he clearly ordered an elk burger and you give him a Fillet o Fish. This isn’t even a McDonald's — how and WHY are they giving him a Fillet o Fish? Now, let’s be real here, being that far up North will mess anybody up, and being that far away from the rest of your country means that a lot of hatred and Karenage is stored up and bottled inside oneself. And that’s exactly what Alaska does — he just grumbles and drive away, possibly while the food is still in the employee's hand. Will he say or do anything about it? No. Will he write a one star review on Yelp? Also no. You’d best believe that he’ll hold that grudge forever — and probably mutter something about this is why he doesn’t go to fast food places.

California: People may think that just because she’s rich means she doesn’t really work hard, but this is not the case. When she’s not actively on set, she works in various state parks. She loves animals. This job is very laborious, and when Cali gets off work, she’s famished. Oftentimes she’s too tired to really correct an employee if they pen down the wrong order. It doesn’t stop there, though — of course it doesn’t. California is vocal. California is loud. She will devour the entire wrong meal, not even once questioning how she was served a Fillet o Fish when it clearly is not McDonald’s, and then, after the very last bite, after she’s licked her fingers clean, she will go up to the register and unleash the wrath of a thousand grizzlies about how this was NOT her order. "But you ate the whole thing" has no gravity in this situation. Do you know who California is?! Yeah, she’s annoying, okay, she’ll give you that, but will you be able to function without California? Don’t mess with California. She’s larger than life. And you? You’re just an incompetent speck of dust who gave her a FILLET O FISH!

Colorado: Dude, does he even notice? Pretty sure that altitude sickness got to him. He didn’t even drive himself here. No, he got an Uber. He doesn’t even question the fact that he went to a drive through vegan bakery and they sold him a Fillet o Fish that was purple. He can hardly taste the difference. Despite the way Colorado behaves, he is completely sober, but living on the mountains for so long, well, he’s, by default, high. This is some good food, though. Would you like a free coupon? He collects coupons for things he'll never use. It’s his love language, and he loves you so much. You’re so awesome, did you know that? You’re, like, a star. You’re, like, Vega.

Hawaii: Hawaii is the epitome of someone who is sensible and a normal human being. She knows how to party — oh, she KNOWS HOW to party — but in day to day interactions she is the person we all should be but no one actually is. She is the one who says, "Oh, excuse me but I think you mixed up my order" and she waits there calmly for the issue to be sorted out. How did Hawaii ever get so normal? No wonder she’s slowly drifting away from the chaos empire, a few inches annually.

Idaho: Like Hawaii, Idaho is chill. Idaho's a farmer. Idaho honestly doesn’t have the energy to complain. All food is good food, after all. She’ll eat whatever is given to her. She came here specifically so that she didn’t have to cook tonight — she doesn’t care WHAT you give her. Yeah, so she ordered Mountain Dew but you COULD give her dirty mop water. She won’t complain. Unless. Unless you give her a potato meal. Do you think this is funny? Like some kind of joke? Ha, ha, Idaho is a potato farmer, VERY funny, HILARIOUS, BRAVO, do you realise how you come across when you do that? You know, wise guy, BACK IN HER DAY when people made a stupid practical joke—

Montana: It depends on the nature of the mix up. If what she ordered was more expensive than what she got, she'll go up to the front, stern but not impolite, and fix the mistake. She'll circle that Toyota Tundra into the parking lot and walk into the store and wait. However, this does not apply if she’s getting a discount. Did she pay for chicken nuggets and receive a whole rack of baby back ribs? Well dang, guess it’s her lucky day or something! Maybe she should try the lottery! In the long run, Montana doesn’t care all too much about her food — as long as it’s filling and not made of pure sugar, she’ll be happy. Montana is in it for the money. And she goes out once in awhile so that people stop making fun of how cheap she is. She’s not cheap, dang it, she’s frugal!

Nevada: Nevada is strange. When it’s just him, he’s a very chill guy. When it’s him and literally anyone else, whether it be him and a girlfriend, him and a coworker, him and the guy across the street, he can get really uptight and confrontational in an attempt to impress and to come across as something of a macho man. His love for music, geekiness for cinema, and green thumb (as well as his ability to survive 290 days in the desert on a vegan diet — he would never back down from a dare) are really what make him macho and manly, but for some odd reason Nevada thinks that people will be completely wowed if he screams in a fast food worker's face about how he got the 6 pack and not the 4 pack and how he wanted HONEY MUSTARD WITH HIS CHICKEN NUGGIES >:(. It’s like he’s a completely different person when others are around.

Oregon: …. …. … If you don’t understand why he’s sitting there glaring at you as if he’s trying to activate some magical eyeball lasers to completely disintegrate you, then eventually he’ll just drive away, still coldly staring at you through the side mirror of his car. Oregon has a weird way of expressing his emotions which, for the most part, involves menacing stares. He looks like a guy who thinks he’s in an emotional music video but in reality he just looks like Hannibal Lecter got caught drunk driving during a downpour and doesn’t know how to operate his windshield wipers.

Utah: She doesn’t even tell employees that they mixed up her order; she just asks to confirm the ingredients in the wrong order are okay for her to eat. If she wants chicken nuggets and she’s given a Fillet o Fish, she’ll double check to make sure it was made in non-alcoholic batter and that it doesn’t contain caffeine. She could just say "Excuse me, I think you gave me the wrong order, I ordered chicken nuggets" and it would probably be faster and less burdensome than what she actually does. She doesn’t want to come across as mean — and she doesn’t. She comes across as paranoid.

Washington: WASHINGTON is the kind of guy that would go full Karen at a fast food restaurant. He would pound on the drive thru window — in fact, he would climb through it, get stuck, and require police and fire services to pull him out. He’s done this on multiple occasions. No one is quite sure what goes on in Washington for a man to behave like this, but this man clearly ordered a six piece chicken nugget meal. The amount of bad reviews this guy has given is astronomical — and these are long and detailed, too. Washington doesn’t speak to the manager. Ironically, even the mention of a manager is enough to send him running. He just wants his nuggets, man. Why’d you do him dirty like this?

Dos años tras finalmente haberse independizado, iniciaron su travesía hacia aquellas lejanas tierras del norte en compañía del corsario Bouchard, iban en busca de nuevas tierras donde aún no eran libres para obtener beneficios comerciales, querían llegar a la ciudad de Monterrey y cortar la única comunicación del estado con el resto del Imperio para poder atacar , pero no contaron con que Antonio, de alguna forma, se hubiera enterado alertando a las tropas que tenía en el lugar malogrando su primer intento de obtener las tierras, pero no se iban a rendir.

-Tenemos que atacar ahora, nos subestimaron y ese fue su gran error,Río de la plata, quédate aquí. Te necesitamos aquí.

La voz de Bouchard sonó firme cuándo dió la orden, no admitía réplica alguna y al recientemente nombrado Martín no le dejó ninguna opción más que aceptar a regañadientes esa orden, mientras todos sus soldados atacaban al enemigo, que festejaron su reciente victoria sobre su gente y él  cuidaba del estúpido barco.

Apoyado en el costado izquierdo del barco, que daba a la tierra de la que querían adueñarse, lo único que hacía era mirar el cielo despejado y lleno de estrellas, hasta que una extraña cabellera rubia llamó su atención que se estaba escabullendo entre los cargamentos de los barcos, como si estuviera escapando de algo o alguien.

-¿Quién es? Sal, no pienso dañarte.

Hablaba con voz fuerte para hacerse oír, pero no quería sonar rudo realmente, al ver que no había respuesta alguna decidió bajar e investigar por sí mismo entre las cajas, encontrándose en ese momento con una niña que lo miraba asustada pero que juntando su  coraje le hizo frente, parándose frente a él y señalándole su barco, él solo siguió su dedo con la mirada aunque sin entender volvió a mirarla esperando una respuesta.

-Vete, no quiero más invasores en mis tierras. ¿Qué es lo que buscas? ¿Riquezas? Ya no tengo nada, se las llevaron todas.

-Espera nena, yo no vengo por eso ¿Si? Tranquila. No quiero hacerte daño.

-Si claro, los otros dijeron lo mismo y se llevaron todo lo que tenía.

La pequeña rubia se cruzó de brazos, tratando de contener las lágrimas para no verse débil frente a su enemigo. Martín no sabía qué hacer con la pequeña niña, quien obviamente era una representación tal y como él, tal y como su pequeño Buenos Aires que estaba en casa, esperando a que regresara de su viaje.

-Vos sos...¿California?

-Alta California, señor invasor.

-Tranquila Cali, yo no te voy a hacer nada. Te lo juro

-Mentira, estas mintiendo, todos ustedes mienten para quitarme cosas.

California exclamó en una manera ofensiva,ella no creía en esas cosas, ya muchas veces le habían mentido asi y cuando menos lo pensó comenzó a llorar, sus hermosos e inocentes ojos azules se llenaron de lágrimas y algo se removió dentro de Martín, cuándo escucho los sollozos qué estaba largando, casi sin pensarlo, envolvió a la pequeña entre sus brazos para brindarle algo de contención. No podía dejar de sentirse conmovido con esta pequeña niña, sabiendo la difícil vida que tenían todas las representaciones, sean lo que sean, ya había vivido este mismo momento consolando a su pequeña capital Buenos Aires, suponía que para ellos sería muy difícil siendo tan jóvenes en apariencia y mentalidad.

Bajo la mirada para ver a la niña que tenía en brazos y se dió cuenta que se había quedado dormida por tanto llanto, ¿Que podía hacer él? Estaba invadiendo su casa, estaba tomando toda posesión de sus tierras convirtiéndose en otro horrible conquistador más como lo eran los españoles, los ingleses, portugueses, holandeses y quien sabe quien más, pero él no quería ser como ellos.

-Te prometo que yo no voy a ser como ellos California. Voy a tratar de cuidarte todo el tiempo que pueda, que no va a ser mucho, porque se supone que yo lucho por la libertad y no para conquistar como ellos.

Hablaba en pequeños susurros, acariciando su rostro con ternura por como lucia la pequeña en sus brazos y luego pasó a acariciar su cabello apartandolos de su rostro tan apacible al dormir. Se levantó acomodándola en su pecho para que pudiera descansar, y al subir al barco pudo ver como la bandera de las Provincias Unidas del Río de la Plata comenzaba a ondear en aquellas tierras marcando su victoria pero no se sentía él feliz, no podía sentirse feliz sabiendo el daño que le estaba haciendo a la pequeña niña que cargaba; decidió ignorar por primera vez su amada bandera y se encerró en su habitación dejando descansar a California en su cama mientras que, no quedandole otra, se acomodo en la silla que tenía al lado de su escritorio para descansar, y aunque por un momento dudo poder dormir en la horrible incomodidad el cansancio le gano, ni siquiera sabía cuándo fue que cerró los ojos porque para él no había dormido nada y ya tenía que empezar otro día, como siempre con alguien golpeando a su puerta para traerle el desayuno.

-Si, si. Buenos días y gracias por el desayuno como siempre.

Murmura con molestia por ser despertado mientras tomaba la bandeja con un gran desayuno que ahora tenía que compartir. Dejó la bandeja en el escritorio y alzó sus manos, cerrando los ojos estirandose para desperezarse entre muchas quejas por la fiaca que tenía, por haber dormido tan mal en esa silla o porqué  él creía que ni siquiera había dormido y cómo no, entre tantas quejas logró despertar a California que miraba todo desorientada el lugar no prestando atención por donde estaba.

-¿Qué es ese olor? Huele delicioso.

La voz de la rubia sonaba perezosa mientras se sentaba en la cama y frotándose los ojos comenzó a mirar en todas direcciones algo adormilada aún, pero cuando vió al hombre rubio se asustó retrocediendo en el lugar, por si buscaba hacerle daño, pero en cambió Martín sólo se acercó con la bandeja entregándole un poco de pan con mermelada sonriéndole de manera amable.

-Gracias...supongo.

-No es nada, ahora tengo que cuidarte.

La pequeña niña con algo de desconfianza tomo lo que el rubio le daba en la bandeja comiendo lentamente, y este ni se inmutaba solo estaba comiendo de lo más normal. Sabía que ella sospechaba que algo había pasado y más por el hecho de que dijo que ahora él iba a cuidarla, pero al menos por un corto tiempo él podría lograr hacerla feliz, ¿Verdad? Podría distraerla y hacerla sentir como una niña normal, aunque sea por un corto tiempo como compensación por lo que le estaba haciendo su gente a su tierra.

-¿Quieres que te peine? No es por presumir, pero soy genial en la belleza...bueno sí presumo porque soy grandioso.

-¿Eh? ¿Peinarme?

Aquella pregunta la tomó por completo desprevenida, e incluso le dio una mirada extrañada, pero viéndolo bien debía admitir que sí sabía arreglarse bien y sobre todo peinarse, su cabello estaba atado en una pequeña coleta baja, con una cinta de color azul que le fascinó. Martin notando que veía su cabello se quitó el lazo azul, dejando así su cabello suelto , aunque no era mucho pero le molestaba en el rostro, por eso lo ataba.

-¿Te gusta? Podría hacerte un peinado con esto.

-¿En serio? ¿No es un problema para usted? Digo, tenía atado su cabello y...

-Sin problemas corazón, vení acá que te voy a peinar.

Río de la Plata le tendió la mano para ayudarla a bajar de la cama, conduciendola hasta un espejo de cuerpo entero y le pasó un banquito para que se sentará, él tomó su cepillo para comenzar a peinarla arrodillándose en el suelo de madera. California se miraba en el espejo y luego miraba a su "invasor" peinarla con todo el cariño del mundo, o al menos así era para ella, viendo lo cuidadoso que era cada vez que pasaba el cepillo sobre sus rizos rubios

-¿Qué te gustaría que te haga en el cabello con la cinta?.

-No quiero nada complicado señor, solo haga lo mismo que tenía usted.

Él le sonrió viéndola por el espejo, y a medida que peinaba su largo cabello lo iba juntando para hacerle una coleta con el lazo azul, formando un hermoso moño delicado digno de una hermosa dama según él, y esa se convirtió  en su rutina de cada día al despertar, él la peinaría con diferentes cintas que por elección de ella solo variaba entre rosa y rojo. Amaba ver la emoción en su pequeño rostro cada vez que le hablaba de algo, pero sentía pena cuando se avergonzaba obligándose a callar, odiaba ver lo que años de que nadie estuviera tan atento con ella le había causado, pero a él no le importaba, porqué la animaba a seguir hablando de todo lo que le gustaba o quería hacer, él amaba oírla hablar de lo que sea, mientras ella está emocionada yendo de aquí  para allá o haciendo raras expresiones con sus manos.

-¡Señor Hernández! Llegó el cuadro que pintaron de nosotros hace unos días, ¡es hermoso!

Al entrar a su habitación del barco, la alegre voz de la niña lo recibió y ella no tardó en correr a abrazarlo, Martín no dudó ni un momento en corresponder su abrazo con la misma emoción, tomándola en brazos dando vueltas con ella para hacerla reir un poco.

-Adivina que Cali, llegaron los vestidos que fuimos a ver para ti. Ahora serás una Princesa.

-¡¿De verdad?! ¡Gracias papi!

La rubia sin pensarlo, pasó sus bracitos por su cuello, dándole un fuerte abrazo de agradecimiento, sin tomar conciencia de que esa pequeña palabrita que había dicho conmovió todo el ser del río platense, pero cuando cayó en cuenta de que lo que dijo dejó en un pequeño shock de emoción a su tutor, se asustó pensando que había hecho algo malo.

-Señor Hernández no fue mi intención, discúlpeme. No quise llamarlo padre, bueno sí quise pero  a usted no le gusta no lo dire mas...por favor, no se enoje conmigo ¿Sí?

Martin sin decir nada la abrazó con fuerza contra sí, le hacía tan feliz que ella lo quiera tanto para incluso considerarlo su padre, le hacía feliz el simple hecho de que ella sea feliz, pero otro lado suyo que estaba consciente de la realidad sobre lo que pasaría le dolió esas palabras, sabiendo que tendría que dejarla por su bien, no quería decepcionar a su pequeña princesa.

-No nena, esta bien. No sabes lo feliz que me hace que me hayas dicho papi, ay princesa me hiciste muy feliz.

-¿De verdad? ¿Entonces puedo llamarlo padre?.

-La por verdad es que papi me suena mas lindo.

La acomodó en sus brazos, haciéndole cosquillas para aprovechar esos hermosos momentos juntos que pronto acabarían, el tiempo para ellos terminaría y con ellos la felicidad, pero era un precio que él estaba dispuesto a correr por ella.

Una semana, tan solo pasó una semana desde que su bandera se izó en las tierras del norte y ahora la bajaban para poder irse. Tuvo que dejar a California, su pequeña niña, en su antiguo hogar junto a todas las cosas suyas que él guardaba cuando ella dormía porque no soportaría despedirse de ella, sabía que si ella estaba despierta para cuando el deba irse no lo haría, y él debía marcharse

-Lo siento Princesa...

How each (Midwestern) state responds to scam calls

Illinois: Abruptly hanging up the phone. He doesn’t have time, patience, energy, or will to deal with this. As a kid he might have played along, giving a fake name like "Mr. Hugh Wang-Kerr"; as a teen he would have made threats to the spammer, but as an adult he likes to keep the line free for business opportunities and ladies in strapless dresses (for some reason, though, they never keep the line free for him…)

Indiana: Specifically answers to say "what do you want" and hangs up. Sometimes does this while driving. It’s quite concerning to those who share the road with her. Everyone wonders why she picks up if she knows she’s going to be hanging up within two seconds, but nobody has ever asked her directly why she does this. Indiana's response to scammers is an enigma and— INDI KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!

Iowa: WHAT? HUH?! He'll call you back, he says — and by that he means meet him at the Flying J later if you have something to say to him. He might be a strapping and toned young man — the type you’d think is attractive until you get close enough to smell that True Farmer Boy Whiff — but he’s an old boomer in terms of technology. He owns a LG 5450 for "business calls" and an iPhone 5 because his friends begged him to get a real phone, yet his monthly screen time is about forty two seconds.

Kansas: How do these people keep getting her number? She once took her grievances directly to the cell phone tower, but that wasn’t resolved the way she wanted it to be resolved. Kansas has a very communal way of fixing her scam call woes: If there’s anyone around her in the vicinity, she’s all up in their face. "Hey, do you know anything about how to get rid of these dang calls? Is there, like, a button I press or somethin'?" Oklahoma once told her to chuck it into a tornado. They haven’t spoken as of late.

Michigan: Are you calling about getting your car fixed by him? He’s told you a thousand times, these new cars and their computers have got to go. Oh, you’re not? Well, why are you bothering him? "We've called you about your car's extended warranty—" Oh have you? Have you now? Nah. He’s not buying it. Get off the line right this second or else he'll reach so far under your hood that you’ll be seeing via LIDAR until Teslas are reliable.

Minnesota: Poor Minnesota, easily flustered and not one to Karen around. Half the time, she’s not sure if it’s a scam call of if it’s genuine, and she doesn’t want to be too quick to judge. She'll sit there on the line for a couple of minutes to really gauge the situation, adding in a few "uh-huhs" and "mmms" until the time is right. Then — ope! There’s someone at the door! — or, — ope! My casserole is ready". Half the time, it’s not even a lie!

Missouri: The good thing about Missouri is that he likes good, cheap, reliable things — cell phones included. He has a Sonim XP8, meaning that every time a scammer (and this extends to tax collectors, insurance agents, and Oklahoma — "Seriously, Okie, go bother someone else!" —) gives him a ring, he just throws his phone at the nearest wall and picks it up after it’s stopped ringing. Concerned? Don’t be. The Sonim is designed for that type of treatment. There’s no point in buying something if you can’t huck it.

Nebraska: When she got her first scam call, Nebraska was quite surprised — she was under the impression that this sort of thing would never happen to her! She ushered over Minnesota, who begged her to be kind (oh, Minnesota — the trouble you go through), but Nebraska had heard too much about funny responses to scammers and wanted to try some out on her own. From inventing fake and morbid businesses to pretending to be in the mafia, Nebraska has demonstrated quite the creative streak when it comes to answering scam calls.

North Dakota: He doesn’t give much thought to the matter. He barely answers these calls. Sometimes it’s a one word "no" or a two word "go away", but NoDak works in silence when it comes to scam calls. Why give it time or energy?

Ohio: Aww, yeah! It’s his time to shine! He acts as though he’s in a Broadway musical or an award-winning Hollywood hit. He doesn’t want the fame and fortune that this career demands — no, he just wants the feeling of pride and superiority he gets from completely destroying the competition. He’s mustered up some quite imaginative responses to scam calls, and has concerned quite a few of the callers. His insurance company isn’t too happy with him, because he took it a step further and started doing it to them, too. Good thing they’ve got a lawyer…

South Dakota: Like Ohio and Nebraska, he has quite the enthusiasm to answer in funny and offbeat ways, but unfortunately, he’s got a brother to the north to put some sense into him. "No, SoDak, don’t answer the phone." "No, you’re not being stupid today." Dang it, NoDak, why do you have to steal his thunder? Can’t a state do anything fun? Saying funny things to scam callers isn’t even illegal this time!

What each (Southwest) state would be doing on a Random Night in the middle of July

Arizona: Nobody knows. Nobody has heard from Arizona in many days. Arizona has, long ago, gone off the grid, presumed to be roaming the desert somewhere. She'll resurface one of these days, fingers crossed. She was last seen walking at night on Highway 179 just outside Sedona. There was little concern because she does this pretty much annually.

New Mexico: To just about seven people's surprise, definitely not alien hunting. There are too many UFOs in the dang state anyway. It’s all tourist stuff, in her opinion. She’s sitting on her floor, most likely, because it's nice and chilly there. The curtains are drawn so as to not let in the sun. And no (and don’t ask her again), she’s not doing anything Breaking Bad-y. She may or may not garden later — depends if her flowers are going to get stolen again.

Oklahoma: (Hopefully) seeing the very last of the tornadoes this year. Most definitely complaining about how hot it is — and wearing a pair of jeans and possibly even a jean jacket all the same. For the billionth time, he’s "trying" to barbecue corn, despite having already perfected it ages ago. Year-round he claims that he doesn’t cook, but he’s been reprimanded multiple times for being "too busy grilling" to come into work.

(a/n as a born and raised Colorado citizen, this is pretty self indulgent, but also a fun theory dumper.)

It was a hot desert day. Spain is talking with another man, one of his people, the two struggling through the heat on horseback. They are followed by a large group of other men.

“The last few areas have been very successful!” Spain says as they walk, “I can’t wait to tell little Romano about our achievements! And the crown will be very pleased at the willingness of the native peoples!”

Suddenly they spot a little girl who is hiding underneath some rocks. She has messy hair, but part of it is pulled back in the fashion of the natives. She wore a brown native dress.

“Hola mi niña! My name is Spain! Que es tu nombre?” Spain says to the girl. He could tell immediately that this was some country or something, and since he was the first to find her he had first dibbs!

She looked terrified, staring at the horses. It didn't seem like she would talk so Spain got off his horse. He would have to deal with her in a similar way to how he had dealt with Romano. Suddenly he noticed her blushing face, it reminded him of Romano even more! He bent down on one knee, to be closer to her level. It was obvious she was shy.

“Your face looks just like my little Romano! I know! I'll name you color rojo!” He praised himself for the excellent name.

“C-colorado?” The (future) state questioned

Spain shook his head, “color rojo.”

She repeated saying “Colorado” and Spain gave up in trying to teach her the correct pronunciation of her new name. He needed to find something, and she could be the key.

“I am looking for something, a place called the Seven Cities of Cibola which is en la Quivera!” Spain asked the girl about the story he’d heard, “I will make it my colony and have all the riches in the world!”

“M-my mommy, s-she is over there...” Colorado pointed in the distance towards the plains, misunderstanding what the nation ment.

Spain, being mistaken and thinking that Quivera must be this little territory’s mother, said, “Gracias mi niña! I will be back soon enough and I will take you home to live en mi casa!”