I can get my shit together, i can become more stable, regulated, etc but what kind of life even is this? The same kind i did everything to avoid? Do the alternative subcultures do nothing but reproduce the worst aspects of the mainstream culture i wanted to abandon? Can i just not deal with my actions having consequences? There was a reason i lashed out at everyone, i might as well accept they were never really my friends. The brief experiences of real community really are like taking molly, it's amazing at first but then you're ability to enjoy anything is fucked.
Maybe this is all just whining abt my impotence, my inhibitions and fear of taking real risks. But the alienation is truth in itself and i still feel like what made me desire this community has been lost
