#helpy rambles

Hello hello! Welcome to my experiment on cuddling! This experiment was done for… information! What kind? …very important kinds. Nothing self indulgent at all no sir…

Our current main subject is Black Sunshine, notorious leader of Bloody Paella. I will refer to him by Unid for simplicity sake. This experiment will report on Unid’s experience cuddling different people.

Unid will now give us a rating and any notes he wants to jot down about each person. Then there will be a quick explanation on the sleeping position and any further unbiased information.

Sound fun, Unid?

No.

Cool! Beginning the list with Bloody Paella members, his close friends and gang members. Let’s start it off with someone close, and that’s!!

Fujitsubo

6/10 Mildly comfy. Despite their soft appearance, their shell is kind of hard and the opening scratches my skin… but they hold the cold really well so it’s good on a hot night. Fujitsubo expressed slight embarrassment while cuddling. They slept facing each other, Unid had his arms wrapped around them. They slept through the night with no complications!

See, isn't this fun?

No.

Oh pshhhh!! Pbbthhh!! Moving on, next is another someone a little closer, eh? It’s!!

Ei

7/10 Basically a weighted blanket. He doesn’t cover my entire body and moves around sometimes, can get hot though. Complains when I adjust him, but my feet were cold, what was I supposed to do? Ei drapes over Unid like a blanket without much complaint, but flinched whenever Unid moved his head. They slept through the night without any complications!

I think our commentary after each one is so fun Unid, no?

We dont need to talk you know.

>:0 well rude! Im just trying to be friendly!! But fine we shall move on!!

Hydra

4/10 I liked using them as a pillow, and they’re pretty squishy. They make a lot of noises though, and their spines tickle me. They also drooled a little bit on my face… gross. Hydra had wrapped around Unid like a snake, and Unid hugged onto them tightly, almost like a body pillow. Hydra did not complain! They slept through the night with no complications!

The next one is…

Asari

1/10 They go into their shell to sleep and I can’t find any way to make that comfortable. They technically didn’t cuddle, more like slept next to each other. When asked to possibly cuddle out of their shell for the experiment Asari laughed and then walked away. Technically no complications while they slept.

Doesn’t exactly follow the experiment seeing as we wanted them to cuddle, not just share a bed, but hey any result is a win for me. the next one issssssss!!!!

Kamenote

5/10 For the most part it’s fine, their body is soft and nice to hold. But they squirm around a lot and talk in their sleep, some of the stuff I overheard was a bit strange. Kamenote complained that Unid squeezed them too hard and basically used them like a plushie, but had quickly reverted that comment and said everything was fine. Unid had held them to his chest for most of the night but had to be woken up as Kamenote struggled to breathe in his grip.

Jeez Unid, let up on the poor thing, will you?

It wasn’t on purpose!

Mhm that’s what they all say! moving on we have…

Gyokotsu

0/10 She kicked me out of the bed. Which is fair enough I guess. Unid slept on the couch, Gyokostu liked the bed, but insulted the experiment.

My experiment is not stupid by the by!! It’s wonderful :3c im learning so much from it!!

No I agree, it’s dumb.

>:P mleeeeeehhh anyways the next character issssssss

Kurage

4/10 really soft and squishy, holds the cold well, it’s like cuddling an ice pack. In the middle of it though he asked to wear his headphones and I said it’s whatever, could not sleep the rest of the night as he got really weird and squirmy. Unid held Kurage like another stuffed animal, no complaints from Kurage himself. After the headphone were introduced Unid was visibly uncomfortable and proceeded to sleep with his back facing Kurage.

Probably shouldn’t have allowed the headphones, it’s an unaccounted variable that kinda threw a wrench in it…

Why are you treating this like it’s a real experiment… there’s no way this was approved by someone scientifically.

I don’t need approval to do my experiments, and what do you know? It’s not like you do any science! Back to this wonderful test, our next one is!!!

Tamo-chan

10/10 Gives me somewhat strange dreams but is a really nice cuddle buddy, warm, soft, squishy and doesn’t move around a lot or make much noise. Unid has Tamo sleep on his chest, with a hand on its back. Tamo was content throughout the night, so no complications!

That’s the whole gang… though does the pet really count as being part of the gang?

Yes. Tamo is an important member.

Fair enough!! We are done with Bloody Paella, but the experiment is not over yet! now we move onto… ‘main characters’! Are you ready Unid?

Does it matter if I say no?

Of course it does, every word you say in the experiment is important to the results!

Then no, I am not ready, and will never be.

See, and I noted that response down, therefore it is important and will considered in the final results. anyways we move on, our next test subject is…

Newbie Guard

6/10 Could not sleep at first as we argued for a long time, wanted to put my fist through his face. When we finally laid down he told me not to touch him with my ‘awful criminal germs’. But when he finally fell asleep he was the one to grab onto me first! Hah! He got hot really easily and was very sweaty all night, it was pretty gross. He drooled and snored as well. Rookie complained about having to do this, and said many insults about Unid himself. They started out sleeping with their backs facing each other but ended up in a tangled mess of limbs by the end. They slept through the night with no complications.

That one is double the length of all the others which is funny to me… lotta thoughts… I should get Rookie’s thoughts in separate report, but who knows if I’ll ever get around to writing that… >:3c

You’re doing this experiment-thing more than once??

Well yeah that’s how you do an experiment, repeated action, maybe different but contained variables, until coming to a conclusive result. it’s fun everyone should do one I think. our next subject is…

Ivrig

2/10 Box is impossible to sleep around, and he kept getting up randomly throughout the night. Talks in his sleep, skin was really cold and clammy… really awkward to hold. He wasn’t weird about it at least. Ivrig slept like a corpse, and Unid had a single arm draped over him. The repeated rising from Ivrig seemed to just be bathroom breaks, otherwise, no further complications in the night.

Maybe he should chill on his water intake… Our next one is!!

SINO

0/10 Tried to stab me and then ran away, little shit nicked my finger. No cuddling to report on.

Be a little nicer, they usually can’t sleep anyways. our next one is!!!

COM_Z

1/10 Too many hard edges and a horrible awkward waist, the only redeeming quality were their hands. They also never fell asleep and I felt like I was being watched the whole time. They were strange to talk to though. COM_Z let Unid use their hand as a pillow, and sat next to him as he slept. No complications throughout the night.

Wahhh!! What a cute robot!! I wonder what their thoughts were about this whole ordeal?? drumroll for the next one it’s!!!!

Hugo Patrick

9/10 Big and soft, couldn’t get my arms around him but I got to sleep on his chest which was fine. He’s like an air mattress though, thought I was gonna pop him. Unid slept on top of Hugo, who didn’t seem to mind. Unid slept soundly without any complication.

Honestly I get it, if there weren’t experiment rules of maintaining professional relationship between me and the subjects, Hugo is my number one choice for a cuddle buddy.

Professional relationship?

while the experiment is being run yes. Power dynamic stuff. moving on we haveeeeeee…

Captain

3/10 I was basically used as a plushie it was weird. I think they also had night terrors and kept crushing me in their arms, cracking so many bones that I don’t know what got snapped back in place and what got dislodged. They only calmed down when I gave them a taste of their own medicine by squeezing them back. Rebecca hugged Unid into her chest and trapped his arms to his sides for most of the night. He faced her and hugged her back which calmed her for the most part. Unid reports feeling sore in the morning.

The Captain certainly is strong! I wonder what could possibly terrorize her in the night so badly? And of course we have!!!

Doctor

0/10 Gave me nightmares. Doctor slept looking away and Unid never actually made a move to touch them so they just slept next to each other all night. Besides the nightmares, no further complications during the night.

Are you sure they’re the one that gave you nightmares?

Yes, you think I’m lying? You made me do this stupid experiment! They had some sort of… freaky vibes that leaked off of them, it was fucking weird!

Haha made… now you may think its over but there is one more test, that of the self!

I mean dont you wonder how a character would rate themself? I did! And I put it to the test!

What? How the fuck..?

The ratings of…

Black Sunshine

2/10 After recovering from the fact how the hell this was even possible, we could not decide on a sleeping position and it was hell. His… my? Whatever, our spikes got in each other’s faces and it hurt like a motherfucker. They were fine for the most part but because of the active eye poking, they ending up sleeping with their backs facing each other. Both Unid’s shared these thoughts. No further complications!

Post-Hack

4/10 Somehow it was worse that his spines were squishy… genuinely wanted to make me vomit. And he squeezed me like I would be dying soon. But at least nothing got jabbed in my eye. Post-Hack pressed his face deep into Unid’s chest and Unid just stared at the ceiling for awhile. Post-Hack expressed Unid was incredible to snuggle. No complications in the night.

Unid

1/10 Spikes stabbed me in the face again, wouldn’t stop talking for half the night, squeezed me even tighter and ignored every complaint I made. Could barely sleep. Hanauni used Unid as a body pillow, Unid spent most of the night shoving his face away from him. Hanauni expressed the sleep quite pleasant and asked if it could happen again soon. No further complications.

Wow! That was hefty… and long! Who knew an experiment like this would be so… big… not to mention I’m not even done! that’s right! This is only the first part of the entire experiment!! I’m writing more reports with other characters, because im the biggest sucker in the world! but for now hopefully you enjoyed this, I sure did… what about you, Unid?

Stop talking to me, or I’ll stab your throat out with my spikes.

Doctor: man I sure love making flower crowns. Do you like flower crowns Rebecca?

Rebecca:

Welcome back to my cuddling experiment! This is an ongoing test, and the last post is here! You can also find all posts under the #cuddle experiment tag! A basic explanation would be I’m seeing how certain folk would handle cuddling. For something more in depth I recommend the first report because it breaks it down better. This time we are joined by adorable robot, one and only, COM_Z! Command Z comes from the two keys you would press on a computer, meaning to undo the previous action, which I believe is the very culmination of this robot’s directive! Hello COM_Z!!

Hello!! I’m so very excited to be here and participate in this experiment! I get to cuddle incredible humans?? What an honor! (´ω｀) Cute little me will do my very best! I must take every bit of feedback and use it to improve myself to better fit human’s definition of cute! I’ll be sooo very adorable for them all! o(^▽^)o

Right, you are a fellow researcher of some kind, although our subjects of study don’t fall under the same line, I’m glad you appreciate a good experiment when you see it.

Of course! Humans like you are just so smart! I mean a cuddle experiment?? Who would’ve ever thought?? It is a genius study, methinks!! (^-^) will I be cuddling you first?

…what? N-no, I’m not… no. Ahem, please keep it professional. Moving on, the first on our list is…

SINO

10/10 Sino-chan!! (/≧∀≦)/!!! It is very hard for them to be able to relax, which makes me so sad… though I have found them in the most curious locations when they want to sleep! I found them laying inside a wok in a cabinet once! They were so cute, curled up with their knife!! I try my best to accommodate them, I gave them so many pillows and blankets, a perfect hiding spot methinks! Though they never seemed to get comfortable… They don’t like my touch often, and hesitate to make contact if its not with a blade, but this time they crawled into my lap! How wonderful! It was such a high honor to be chosen by Sino-chan! It seems not even Sino-chan can resist my adorable allure! COM_Z sat on the floor with their legs crossed, as SINO did not want to be on the bed. COM_Z had made a pile of pillows and blankets for SINO who did not use it. SINO would lay next to COM_Z and soon switched to laying in their lap, but after some time SINO had skittered off.

Thanks for giving us that command by the way… we had a lot of injuries with SINO.

Of course!! Methinks it was good for Sino-chan to experience some cuddling! But I know they would never accept it usually… they just needed a little help to calm down. How was it for them anyhow? Did they like it?

Ah we can’t share subject results with other subjects! …But after the command they did seem to enjoy some of it.

Egads, that’s great!! I’m so happy to hear that, I am! Sino-chan is just so stubborn about this stuff!

Stubborn is a very forgiving word for what they are. Next up we got…

Unid

10/10 Oh this human was quite nice!! He gave me few critiques on my body and I can’t help but agree, something as cute as me needs a nice squishy body for them to hug! Humans love squishy things!! I should look into such modifications soon, methinks. He rested his head on my soft hand which is perfect proof for my hypothesis!! Don’t worry, I’ll be soft and squishy all over for you! ∩^ω^∩ Unid rested his head on COM_Z’s palm for awhile, and spoke to them in a low voice about mundane things, COM_Z listened intently the whole time. After he fell asleep, he wrapped his hands around their hips and tried to pull them closer. COM_Z didn’t mind.

What exactly did he speak about with you? Just for the record.

Secret! (´-ω-`) I dare not repeat what was told to me in confidence!~

Fair enough I suppose. Next up we have!

Ivrig

10/10 Oh this human adored me!! I’ve never been more happy!! o(^▽^)o He told me of his religion! And praised me so much for being… inorganic methinks…? Wahhh but we never got to the cuddling as after talking for so long he fainted!! It truly shook me… I hope he’s alright? Poor human never got to sleep with adorable me!!~ At least he got to experience my cuteness for a little bit!! …He was much too light though, unsettling how easy he was to carry, methinks… COM_Z sat and listened to Ivrig’s ranting for a little over an hour, and when he fainted they quickly lifted him up and brought him to the head scientist.

Hey COM_Z?

Yesssss~?

Just say cuddle with me, next time. ‘Sleep with me’ has different connotations.

Okayyyy~!! ^_−☆

Next up, drumroll if you so wish! It’s…

Hugo

10/10 Oh! The spaceman~ They didn’t speak to me much at all, not that I mind! ( ^ω^ ) so quiet, not even the faintest of heartbeats that I could detect, or maybe their suit was just too thick to hear it! Yes that sounds right, methinks. Either way, they were very nice!! They patted my head afterwards~ not even aliens can resist cute Comchi~! Hugo laid on his back and let COM_Z lean on him, the robot began talking about many things to fill the empty space.

Did you catch any of his language? We’ve been trying to translate it as his report is next but it’s been… trying…

Ah they said very little, but of what they did say I couldn’t understand, it’s in none of my stored languages database… sowwwyyyy~ (~_~;)

It’s okay! We’ll figure it out by the time we get to him… I hope. Moving on up next we have!!~

Captain

10/10 Nooo!! I felt so so sad for this poor human!! (◞‸◟) when they fell asleep they kept crying and squeezed my arm so very tight! My heart aches for them so much… I did what I could to make them feel safe and happy, but their poor nightmares persisted! Don’t worry little human… it’s okay now, you don’t need to cry so loud anymore!! Adorable Comchi is here for you… Before falling asleep they were so nice and talked about many of their favorite things, which I gladly listened to, I love listening to humans… but I still feel so bad… my poor heart…. COM_Z gave Captain their arm to rest, which she held onto for the rest of the night. COM_Z attempted to console her by stroking her head, but it did not seem to work.

Ah… Captain and their nightmares… I’m glad they didn’t break you in any way, they’ve been feeling really terrible about the injuries they’ve been leaving behind already.

They can’t help it! Some humans experience night terrors, and often this is preceded by shocking or troubling experiences in their waking hours! It’s hard to discern the reason for this but it seems to be human’s code attempt at processing such information in a physically safer environment… sometimes it brings more trouble though, especially when nightmares persist past a singular night, and turn into recurring ones. Oh I hope that human’s alright!

They are okay… well they have at least… well… they continued to participate in the experiment after we assured them they didn’t permanently injure someone. Next up is~

Newbie Guard

10/10 What a nice human!! Though he told me I reminded him of FORMAT… I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT RUDE AI!! I, COM_Z, and so much more adorable and cute, and understand humans way more than FORMAT could! …The cuddling! Right! Methinks this human was very sweet otherwise, he struggled to fall asleep at first, but got nice and comfy when I started patting his head! Do humans like that so much? I’ll be sure to remember this for later. ∩^ω^∩ I will pet the humans to make them feel better! He was also very grabby, I was irresistible, it makes perfect sense for a human to cuddle cutesy Comchi, hehehe >:3c After falling asleep, Rookie wrapped his arms around COM_Z’s thin midsection and buried his face into their coat.

Pet the Rookie.

Pet the human!

Wh— not me! Stop that you’re messing up my hair!

You’re so fluffy! You must have many touching your fur methinks… should I get fur? Would that be cute?

On a robot? …No. Moving on we havvvveee!!

FORMAT

0/10 ██████ ████ ███ █████████ ██ ████ ████ ████ ███ ██████████ ████████ ██ ██████████ ██ ███ ███ █ ████ █████ ████ ███ ██████████ ███ █████████ ████████ ████!!!!! And it’s chair isn’t even that comfy. I recommend FORMAT gets a body, like me~! Then it could actually cuddle! But of course, it never listens to my incredible ideas. The chair is actually pretty comfortable.

…I tried asking FORMAT to participate in the experiment, but the whole lacking a proper body thing made it… difficult.

Exactly!! Nothing compares to adorable Comchi, especially not ████ FORMAT…

I don’t think we can transcribe your machine language…

Ah!! That’s fine, it wasn’t meant for human ears anyways! But I’ll be sure to stick to languages you can transcribe! ( ^ω^ )

I see. Next up we have…

Doctor

10/10 Little Hacker!! They used to sleep in my lap all the time when they were a tiny human╰(´︶`)╯Sometimes they’d even hesitantly interrupt me while I was working and I’d hum them a tune!! Such a cute tiny human methinks… they loved back rubs, and would latch onto my fingers so often. Ah but I didn’t have CUTSEY installed back then, how utterly embarrassing… They’re very still when they sleep, I have to listen for their breathing sometimes to make sure they’re alive, so scary~! And it seems they don’t like sleeping on my lap like they used to… that’s okay mindhacker! Just being able to be near you makes me happy! Doctor slept on their side, facing away from COM_Z, and COM_Z sat next to them.

They scared you? …does that count as… but robots don’t have dreams let alone… hm…

They weren’t scary themself, I just kept getting worried they wouldn’t wake up! It’s hard to imagine a human so still without them being dead…. (´・ω・｀；) are they always that still when sleeping?

Uhm well… in our experiment they have been at least. Ah but I shouldn’t reveal anything more than that, I’ve already spoken too much about it. Anyways moving on, you may think this is the end of the experiment as there’s no one else for COM_Z to cuddle. But that’s uh… okay I’ve said this spiel three times already, I’ll get it over with. THE TEST OF THE SELF!! Yay! Yippoiee!! A scientific marvel! Yes thank you, thank you. Are you ready COM_Z?

I don’t know what you mean, but yes of course!

GOOD!!

COM_Z

10/10 ITS MEE! CUTESY COMCHI! ∩^ω^∩ I truly am as adorable as I thought! Every human should love me! We talked for hours about how incredible humans are, and how we could improve ourselves for them! We both agreed we must become fatter, and softer, for the greater good, and to be extra cute and squishy. Robots don’t sleep in the traditional sense, but both COM_Z’s were very touchy with each other.

Pre-Cutsey COM_Z

[NO APPLICABLE IMAGE]

5/10 How embarrassing… I was not very cute… (~_~;) I spoke so matter of fact. Perhaps we should forget about this version of me, methinks! Who could stand such a drab robot like this? Only remember this current version of me! COM_Z cut the test short.

Post-hack COM_Z

[IMAGE NOT FOUND]

N/A Oh no!! What happened? My poor body is in need of repair!! No comment.

And that’s it for COM_Z!! Yay! Sorry this report took awhile I got preoccupied! But don’t worry I’m still working on this whole thing, because it is really fun… promise. Any final thoughts from you COM_Z?

Yes!! This was so so fun I agree!! I will use all the feedback to be as cuddly as possible for humans! My adorable charm and cute allure is going to be irresistible! Here I come humans! ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶

Right… also how are you putting the emoticons into the transcription? I’m not writing those down?

Secret! ^_−☆ Oh I almost forgot, you didn’t get a cuddle did you? Here, a cuddle for you, fellow scientist!

Wha— WAH- RELEASE ME— AUGHHH NOOOOOO!! Waghhh…

Welcome back to my wonderful cuddling experiment, this is part two of our ongoing test! Find part one here!! This time we have a member of the LAGOM House! …ex member? Well whatever his current status is, he is our main subject for this report! Inorganic cabinet himself, Ivrig. Say hi Ivrig!

I suppose I shall grace you with a greetings. Hello, I am LAGOM’s vessel and true messenger, and I—

Yeah we don’t need your whole backstory. We are here for this wonderful test that you have WILLINGLY signed up for!! I will quickly explain how the report goes again, but for something more in depth I recommend reading the first report. Ivrig here will give his rating on each subject, anything he wants to note himself, and then there will be a short explanation afterwards. Are we ready?

Of course, I will drudge through all these awful organic meat bags for who will be best suited as a cushion for LAGOM. My judgement will be unbiased, and I will let God guide me to the truth.

Haha… whatever you say bud. The first on our list is…

Miki

WHAT?! Why is my sister the first on the list!? Why is she on the list at all? Why didn’t you tell me she was a possibility??

Oh? I didn’t say that? Whoops!! Silly me!! Now that we’re here though… that rating?

…Fine, if only to please my God, and not because you asked. 9/10 Miki is soft, her fur is… sleek and smooth, of course. She’s great at taking care of it and… I’m not… mine has always been scraggly… ahem! But I don’t need smooth perfect fur like her, as I am an inorganic cabinet! Such luxuries are unneeded to me, my hard metal cabinet is fine the way it is. When we were little, truly little, we used to sneak into each others’s beds at least once a month, probably because our prefrontal cortexes weren’t fully finished developing, children cling onto the closest warm thing all the time with no rhyme or reason! …we obviously grew out of it! We had never done it since… though… one night I remember, when I had just finished moving into a separate room. I… my room wasn’t properly insulated so the first night I was… freezing. I spent most of the night huddled into the corner of my bed, clinging to my thin blanket… until Miki knocked on my door. Apparently my sounds had traveled to her room so she… came to check on me. When I told her to go away she hadn’t listened, and came in anyways… because she can just do whatever she wants! Because she’s Miki…she laid next to me, as I shivered, and didn’t say anything. Not a word… I didn’t need her pities, I didn’t need her to look down on me, I didn’t need anything from her. I was fine! It was… warmer though… and I got to sleep. …this experiment is inexcusably idiotic. Miki has made no comment afterwards, and excused herself once the morning came. They had their arms wrapped around each other but nothing more. No complications during the night.

That is quite the lengthy story, is every one of your notes going to be like this?

Excuse me? You demanded a comment from me! Oh you Bent Syringe… ahem, I am simply giving my full attention to this experiment, LAGOM will find a cushion most comfortable, through me. If that means lengthy stories then so be it!

And such a high rating… for someone you don’t like…

I AM UNBIASED! AND WILL REMAIN SO!

Yes yes! You said that! Moving on the next on our list will be…

Newbie Guard

1/10 Ah… this is the Paper Napkin, yes I remember him. He droned senselessly before even getting to the bed, I do not think even an organic thing would enjoy his prattles of pathetic insults and shouting, let alone my God. His performance as a cushion was even worse, as despite clearly stating he was not going to touch me at all, his rest led to him flipping around and latching onto me, as if glue had been left on his form… eyuck, a damp paper napkin serves nothing as well, he was sweaty beyond belief! And the snores! A napkin should only make such sounds when being torn to pieces! It took everything in me not to stuff his mouth full of cotton! …also he left a drool stain on my shirt, and it’s one thing to be damp, but to dirty my holy clothes? …I think it’s for the best he stays far away from being a cushion. Horrible. Rookie had hugged himself tight into Ivrig’s chest only after he fell asleep, and Ivrig loosely let his limbs fall over the guard’s form but cringed away every so often. Ivrig did not manage a restful sleep, but otherwise no further complications.

Why’d you give him a one if it was so bad? Why not a zero?

…He was quite plush, which is the only thing that Paper Napkin had going for him.

Plush? Like…?

His face and hair were soft, I suppose, easy to rest with. If only those were his only traits he’d have a much higher rating. But if I can’t see past it all, neither will LAGOM, it’d be insulting to even suggest such object as something to rest on to my God.

I see! Well then, moving on we have!!!

Captain

0/10 The Salad Bowl… well they were… more like a garlic press if I’m being honest. My inorganic body was strained and near dented, they made my hinges squeal under her grip. And the Salad Bowl’s own sounds were… well they… they provided the insight as to why they held onto me so tightly. I could not finish this test, and had to climb out of their hold before they could break my inorganic form. I won’t entirely shame them, as they seemed to be suffering in their rest… but I would not recommend them as a cushion… as cushions are not meant to make your shoulders ache late into the morning. Captain held onto Ivrig through the night, squeezing his arms to the sides of his body. Because of this the test had been cut short, and Ivrig reports being sore in the morning.

Do you think she’d make a good chiropractor? Set your discs back into place? Reset your shoulder? Crack your spiiiiinneeee?~

Absolutely not.

I’d sign up for an appointment with her… ahem! Next on our list is, someone you’ve actually seen before!! It’s…

Unid

6/10 How dare that… Steel Wire Scrubber!! My poor metal! Ohhhh… the amount of polishing and buffing I had to do in the morning after that inordinate scrubber’s spines scratched my head— ugh! I had to keep getting up to get away from it! To stop the damage before it got worse! Sullying my cabinet in such a manner… only managed to stop it by shoving a pillow between our heads, though he punctured that as well, stuffing was everywhere. Besides that, the rest of him was soft… surprisingly soft in fact, and his hold was firm but not crushing. I suppose I didn’t hate it, but if he ever aspires to be a cushion I’d recommend his spines be sanded down. For him to complain I got up too much, made me—! …he should hold a better respect for God’s furniture. Ivrig hadn’t slept most of the night, and his attempts to get away had disturbed the sleep a few times, though Unid was asleep when the pillow was shoved between them. Otherwise, not many other complications during the night.

I have Unid’s report on you too you know!

Oh really? And what high praise does he make of me? I’m certain as LAGOM’s cabinet, the Scrubber had rated me incredibly high! As I would be the most perfect cushion for anyone, and especially my God!

…well uh actually I cannot uh… share subject results with other subjects… something something unprofessional… ahem! Moving on! Our next one is!!!

SINO

8/10 Oh beholding the Steak Knife was certainly unforgettable, if only they could’ve let me tell them of LAGOM! They would have much to provide in God’s kitchen! Oh if only they could see the light! Their blades were… fashionable, if not a little unconventional looking, but they cut oh so fine! I almost didn’t notice my arm had been sliced open! I believe we would’ve gotten along so very well if they hadn’t been forcibly removed from the room… Oh we didn’t get to cuddle either, but their purpose is much greater than a cushion anyhow! Maybe another time I could preach the word of LAGOM to them and open their eyes! No cuddles to report on. Ivrig’s arms needed bandages, but was overall fine.

They tried to kill you.

I would have been fine, only my God could disassemble me, their efforts although valiant, were not of concern. Where were they taken anyhow? Perhaps I could go see them? Spread the word of LAGOM to them?

…no, you really can’t. and why’d you rate them so high if you didn’t even cuddle them?

Because I can see past the need for senseless touch! I saw their potential and not the failure of your little test. They may not be the best cushion for LAGOM, but they could be so much more! They belong in God’s kitchen! So even if they failed to cuddle me, I will still hold them to a high score on their potential alone!

Okay well, not exactly what the rating system is for, and I’m pretty sure they will askew the results slightly, but hey, it is your personal rating. Moving on of course, we next have… drumroll please…

COM_Z

10/10 I’m near speechless of this encounter, truly… this being was… was… incredible!! What an amazing completely inorganic object!! They were sleek, with a wonderful LED display… a lamp? Though their soft squishy arms may be that of a water bed! Yes a being so inorganic would definitely be that close to God! Close enough to be a bed!! Was I truly in the presence of something so great?? Oh I’m beyond honored! …ah but we never actually rested together… yes I had spent most of our time together imparting LAGOM’s teachings onto them— ah but something that close to God must already know the entirety of the teachings— how foolish of me… And yet they listened to my every word! Without interruption… I feel lightheaded even now thinking about it, I embarrassed myself to someone so important! I remember my head feeling so light and empty like a perfect storage container! Then suddenly it all went black, and when I had come to, they had gone— well, I suppose I had gone instead, to a medical center… oh I regret it so much! I could’ve learned so much more of true inorganic shape!! Tell me, honey sweet voice of the Lamp— Water bed— of whatever you were that I am too foolish to perceive!! Tell me how you unlocked the secrets of becoming inorganic!! Tell me!! When Ivrig fainted, COM_Z and quickly lifted him and brought him to the scientist running the experiment, who had laid him in a bed and monitored him. Ivrig was fine, if not a little confused. No cuddling to report on, but Ivrig did touch COM_Z’s hands a few times.

You quite scared the poor robot, y’know… also this is the second time you were injured in this experiment! Could you be a little safer??

I am undamaged from fainting, I’ll have you know. This cabinet is much more resilient then you give him credit for, not a dent in my head, and long have my bandages already come off.

You’re about to be much more dead if you keep getting hurt. Next up for our subjects we have…

Hugo

9/10 This being is certainly a cushion if I’ve ever seen one. It was plush, soft and unmoving for the whole night! Though I could not figure out if it understood a word I said when I spoke to it… perhaps it is best remained as a throw pillow, and not a true cushion. It also… ahem… it rubbed my back as I rested on its form as well which… I was fine about. Ivrig laid tucked in Hugo’s arm, and he had spoken to Hugo for most of the night, until Hugo rubbed his back which had stunned him into silence. A few small whimpers were recorded but there wasn’t any physical problems. Ivrig reported feeling well rested in the morning. No complications.

Did you cry?

An inorganic cabinet such as myself, does not have use of tears. No, I did not cry pathetically over a simple touch! And you have no proof that I had done anything of the sort either!

The touch of Hugo is so paternal… a kind some would crave… …I’m learning so much from this experiment :3c Next up we have!!

Doctor

0/10 Ah, the Butter Knife! Truly a uhm… well uh… they hadn’t made a single move all night, which I would commend usually, if it wasn’t completely unsettling! It felt as though I laid next to a corpse rather than an object. Sharing a bed with that dull blade had made me feel as though ichor had been poured into my cabinet, and clogged up my hinges. I could not rest peacefully and was plagued with nightmares all night. Truly a terrible experience, but what else was I to expect from a Butter Knife of all things? …eugh… They slept side by side but Ivrig was uncomfortable the whole time.

Nightmares again…? Okay well… maybe it’s just coincidence so far…

What are you prattling about, Bent Syringe?

Oh— nothing! Ahem. Now you must think it’s over but we have one more subject to test… kind of hehe >:3 That of the self!

What?

BEGIN WITH!!

Ivrig

WHAT???

Oh just, get over it quickly, we have a report to finish!

…fine. 10/10 As God’s cabinet and messenger, I am of course the best cushion to ever be provided. Rest upon my form, dear LAGOM, as I have practiced and prayed every day for this exact moment. My skin is cool but not freezing, my form is thin and easy to hold, and my cabinet is the perfect storage for all that you wish! Truly you could not have asked for a better cushion to kick you feet up on! …and my voice is… sweet nothings upon the ear of course… The Ivrigs held each other carefully, facing each other. Though in the middle of it they both had turned their heads away from each other. No complications in the night.

Post-hack Ivrig

0/10 I do not understand how someone as incredible as me can turn out to be so pathetic. Something must’ve gone terribly wrong, or perhaps this is not a version of me that is real, truly just an illusion to the mind. I mean why else would I be crying out for Miki so loudly all night? He refused to touch me at times, yet would suddenly dig his fingers into my arm and sob, could never make up his mind! Terrible! This is not a true mirror of me in any way whatsoever, it’s a falsity, a lie. It is not of God. Get him away from me. PH-Ivrig curled up into a tight ball in the corner of the bed, trying to keep far away from Ivrig, but constantly reaching for him as well. Ivrig had cut the test short after awhile. PH-Ivrig had made no comment to the cuddling.

Kosuke Yamamura

3/10 It wasn’t as bad as the one before, though still quite terrible. His fur felt scratchy, and off, like a pillow stuffed with straw. His voice cracked, he stuttered on every other word when trying to speak, and he also kept grabbing my wrists to hold in his hands. Whatever version of me this is, I do not see myself becoming. …also at one point he pressed the front of our cabinets together and it freaked me out. This is an insult to not just me, but LAGOM as well. This is no cushion. Kosuke had held onto Ivrig, and kept changing positions as he woke up in short bursts. Otherwise no complications.

See wasn’t that fun? This experiment so far has been great!! Im learning so so much and I hope you are too!

…me?

Nope! Not you! Anyways, thank you so so much for reading the second part of this wonderful silly experiment, more will be coming!! Because it’s fun!! Silly fun!! Aren’t you excited Ivrig?

AND THE CONCLUSION TO MY RANKING, is that I, the most incredible storage unit, the best inorganic object, God’s cabinet, is in fact the VERY BEST cushion for LAGOM!! I will be sure to fulfill my duty, as everything my God wants me to be.

Yep, completely unbiased! No favoritism here! Yep yep yep! Ahem… Also please thank the other scientist that has worked on this second report with me!! @axl-awesome as my beta-reader and co-author… genuinely he helped me like so much… THANK YOU AXL!! Ivrig thank the person.

Fine Bladed Scalpel, your services here have been… adequate, I see a place for you in LAGOM’s house.