The becoming of Hotdogian
Tagged by @purplemonkeysexgod69 for the ten question thingy, I found myself taken on a journey to within the deepest depths of my soul. Discovering parts within the self that have, even to me, been unknown up until now. A tag game where all my principles and values were put to the test in an epic adventure of introspection, rivaling the greatest Shakespearean drama.
You’ve decided to become a serial killer. In what manner do you kill your first victim? Ah, the winter of 2010. Memories. I was twenty-three and this sense of purposelessness had gradually more fiercely been eating away at me. A quarter-life crisis, I called it . A problem, I figure, which is faced by many modern-aged products in their early twenties. In bygone days you'd be halfway life already; a father perhaps, or sent to the killing fields. There was purpose at least. A purpose I had been severely lacking. And there was this ‘something’ eating away at me, ever since I was sixteen. Something that raised the hairs on my back; that caused many nights of restless sleep. So there, at twenty-three, after six years of fighting it (seven, nearly). I finally gave in and let it devour me. I embraced it. It's kind of an inside joke I share with me (you know how I tend to talk to myself -- who said that?); in many ways I was my own first victim. I cannot disclose any further information. I'm sure you understand :)
You’ve decided to become a pornstar. What is your stage name? Dick de Cock, which is a perfectly normal Dutch name. Cock's also a Dutch first name, and Diks is a last name. So I could go with Cock Diks too. And though Fokker is a common Dutch last name as well (you know, from the Airplane), using that last name in combination with the aforementioned first names would be confusing to the audience trying to get a specific genre to suit their needs. So I’ll go with Dick de Cock. Or Lickity Slit, that one sounds fun too.
You just won half a billion dollars in the lottery. Who is the first person you cut out of your life? There's no one left to cut.
A man in black hands you a brown briefcase. In this briefcase is a red button. The man in black disappears in a puff of pink smoke that smells like lavander and orange blossoms. You hear maniacal laughter in the distance. Do you press the red button? You had me at red button. Of course I'll push it! I hope it's shiny. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?
You’ve decided to press the button triggering The Rapture. You are not floating into heaven and the Armageddon asteroid is fast approaching. You can only fit one other person in the alien spacecraft you purloined. The spacecraft is programmed to travel to a habitable unknown planet with unknown inhabitants. Do you hop into the spacecraft to avoid certain death and an eternity in hell? Tough choice. On the one hand there's the fire, the death, the eternal torture, but of course I'd also get the chance to meet a wide variety of interesting people. Freddy Mercury will be there; Johnny Cash, David Bowie, Nietzsche, Mozart, George Carlin, Gene Wilder, Bruce Lee... well I'm just going to stop right here, because who'd get to heaven anyway. Honestly. Allen Rickman maybe, that guy was a saint... well, depending on whose rapture it is, else it's straight off to hell with him as well. Anyway, on the other hand I've always wanted to have a go at space travel. Should be fun. I'll meet with you guys later, okay?
Who would you take with you if you chose to get into the spacecraft? No one really. I mean, Ren and Stimpy taught me about Space Madness and I really don't want to confront anyone with seeing me eating a bar of soap butt naked, gently floating through the no gravity room; talking to the soap as if it was my long lost lover. Oh! That’s it. I'll let the romantic in me speak: I'll bring my long lost lover. If she wants to come, I don’t know how confident she is in reaching heaven nowadays. Again, whose rapture is it anyway?
You’ve decided to board the spacecraft and you are with the person you chose to accompany you. You have lifted off and are escaping the earth’s gravitational field. You discover a button on the spacecraft that would crash it into the asteroid, obliterate it, and save the earth and all its inhabitants. You have thirty seconds to make the decision. Do you press the button? Well I would have if I didn't had to bring anyone! After looking up all those atheists, homosexuals, adulterers, blasphemers, fornicators, etc. I was starting to look forward to hell. But gosh darn now I really can't. Besides, this button isn't nearly as shiny as the one in the brown suitcase was.
You’ve decided to selfishly save yourself and your passenger and travel to the unknown planet. Upon arriving, you discover that it is full of highly intelligent and peaceful vegetarian arachnids and the only edible food source is tofu. They’ve decided to treat you and worship you like gods. Do you stay or hop back into the spacecraft and take your chances trying to find another habitable planet? One look at those eight-legged critters would be enough to hit the ignition button. I wouldn't even have time to figure out the tofu limitation is another reason to leave. Being treated like a god doesn't really resonate with me either. I figure it's like a perpetual state of how you feel when people sing 'Happy Birthday' to you on your birthday.
You’ve decided to search for another planet and fortunately find one three planets away in the same binary solar system. You have not eaten in three days since waking up from an induced hibernation when you traveled to the last planet and the tofu supplies in the spacecraft have been depleted. This new planet is full of highly intelligent, peaceful, and edible vegetarians that look like hot dogs in buns. Only these inhabitants are fit for human consumption; everything else on the planet is poisonous. You will not survive another day. How many Hotdogians do you murder in one sitting to satisfy your hunger? I'd be pretty hungry, so the first two would go pretty fast. The third as a normal meal. And the fourth a little slower. Halfway the fifth my stomach will probably say it's full, but I'll eat it anyway. The funny thing about Hotdogians is that they give off a squeaky toy’s ‘peep’ when you bite in them, which is highly entertaining. Almost as entertaining as pressing a shiny button. So the rest of the time I'd act like a fox in a henhouse.
After murdering their husbands, wives, sons, and daughters. The Hotdogians declare all out war and attempt to stab you with their tiny toothpicks. You feel guilty but your instinct for survival is stronger and you and your passenger end up wiping out their entire civilization in less than 6 months. The spacecraft has no more fuel and you are stranded. The side effect of eating all those Hotdogians is that it turned both you and your passenger into Hotdogians. You are both hungry and are each the last edible and tasty morsel on the planet. You end up in an epic toothpick battle with your passenger. You come out victorious, tears in your eyes, blood on your hands. Having shrunk in size, you notice something near the spacecraft. A ketchup packet! Do you use it to devour your last meal? I would nobly perform harakiri by toothpick. Which is going to suck because toothpicks don’t have that sharp blade’s edge.
