[Beer, Pizza, & Little Red Riding Hood]
Ft. Junior, Dino, Faith, Keith, West Sector
Junior: Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived an adorable little girl. Because she always wore the red cape that her grandmother made for her, everyone called her āLittle Red Riding Hoodā.
Junior: One day, Little Red Riding Hoodās mother called her in with a request.
Dino: Your poor grandmother has been feeling ill lately. Could you be a dear and go check up on her?
Faith: Hmm, nope, sounds annoying. Canāt someone else do it?
Junior: Hey! The hell are you doing, Shitty DJ!? Stick to the script!
Faith: I could say the same about you, Narratorā¦
Junior: Donāt use logic with me! Why am I the Narrator and you Little Red Riding Hood in the first place!?
Faith: Well if you want to be Little Red Riding Hood, Iād be more than happy to switch. Youād make a cute little girl, wouldnāt you, Ochibi-chan?
Junior: Hrkā¦
Dino: Little Red Riding Hood? Who are you talking to?
Faith: Aha, donāt worry about it.
Dino: Oh darling, donāt be like that. Iām asking you to go because I canāt for inexplicable reasons.
Dino: Uu, grandmotherās sickā¦ And I canāt visit herā¦ Itās too terribleā¦ Youāre our last hope!
Faith: Huh? Hey mom, are you alright?
Dino: Granny means everything to me, gramps too! Taking care of the elderly isā¦ Love and peace!
Faith: Sighā¦ That got annoying fast. Alright, Iām heading to grandmaās.
Dino: Oh, wait, wait. Make sure to take this pizza and wine with you. Iām a bit worried about sending you off on your own, so make sure you donāt stray from the path and head directly to grandmotherās house.
Faith: Okay, whatever. This is annoying, but Iāll do it.
Junior: And just like that, Little Red Riding Hood headed off to the woods in search of Grandmotherās houseā¦
Junior: ā¦Huh. Why the heck is he bringing pizza to a sick person?
ā”ā„ā”
Faith: Hmmhmmā¦ Everything about this is annoying, but at least the weather is nice. Itās not so bad walking around like this. Mom told me to stick to the path, but thereās nothing wrong with taking the scenic route, right?
Junior: Little Red Riding Hood then did whatever the hell she wanted to and began to wander through the woods when a voice suddenly called out to her.
Keith: Afternoon, Little Red Riding Hood. Where are ya headinā off to?
Faith: Umm, whoās asking?
Keith: Iām a wolf who lives in the forest.
Faith: A wolfā¦ I did hear rumors about a big bad wolf who attacks people around here.
Keith: A big, bad wolf? I aināt like that. I'm a wolf that never mingles with people, a good wolf. Sure, I got into some trouble in the past, but recently itās been all smiles with everyone I meet. Right now, I'm just happy drinkinā booze. Yep, that'd be enough for me, delicious booze. I can smell some of the really good stuff on ya so that's why I called out to you.
Faith: You smell alcohol on me? Oh, you must be talking about the wine Iām bringing for grandma. You want some?
Keith: Heh, you pick up quick. Gimme some of that and Iāll leave ya alone.
Faith: And if I donāt?
Keith: Heh, I think you know without me sayinā it, yeah?
Faith: Yeah, yeah, I get you. Fine, you can have some, but keep your word, alright?
Keith: Thanks. Oh yeah, now weāre talkinā. This is the stuff. Seeya, Lilā Red. Stay safe, ya hear?
Faith: Sighā¦ First time Iāve ever heard of an alcoholic wolf. Well, Iām glad nothing happened. Guess Iāll just keep taking my sweet time then.
Junior: And so, Little Red Riding Hood continued to ignore everything her mother said and idled away in the woods.
Junior: Unbeknownst to her, the wolf was watching from the shadows.
ā”ā„ā”
Keith: That Little Red Riding Hoodās just taking a nap in the woods without a care in the world. Talk about a lack of survival skills.
Keith: I was lucky enough to score some wine off of her, but drinking the good stuff just makes you want some snacks to go with it, yeah? Iām pretty sure her grandmotherās house is somewhere around here. If I get there first, we can really get this party started.
ā”ā„ā”
Dino: Is that you, Little Red Riding Hood? I canāt get out of bed right now, so could you get the key and let yourself in?
Keith: (Ohoho, score! It looks like Granny doesnāt have any survival skills either!)
Dino: Oh good, Iām so glad youāre here. I was so looking forward to my pizā I mean, to seeing your face.
Dino: Ohā
Keith: Too bad, Granny. I aināt your granddaughter or your pizza. Why donāt you see for yourself who I really am!
ā”ā„ā”
Junior: After a long, and I mean, loāng nap, Little Red Riding Hood finally woke up. Remembering why she was even there in the first place, she set off for Grandmotherās house and arrived long past scheduled.
Faith: Grandmaās houseā¦ Should be right by this riverā¦
Faith: Huh? Thatās weirdā¦ Why is the door wide open?
Faith: Grandma? Are you there? Itās Little Red Riding Hood.
Faith: (Hm, itās too quiet. Is she outside?)
Faith: Huh? Were you sleeping this whole time? You shouldnāt leave the door open, Grandma. An intruder might come in.
Faith: It reeks of alcohol in here, Grandma. Have you been drinking?
āGrandmaā: Just a bit.
Faith: Huh?Ā
āGrandmaā: I mean, I was disinfecting the place with alcohol.
Faith: Grandma, you sound a bit different from usual.
āGrandmaā: Well, I did catch a coldā¦
Faith: Okaayā¦ Oh, right, I brought you a pizza.
āGrandmaā: A pizza? Oh, yeah, Iāll eat that later if you could just leave that thereā¦
Faith: Ok, thatās really weird. You love pizza, Grandma. Shouldnāt you be more excited?
āGrandmaā: Yippee! I love pizza! Wow, Iām so happy! Surely thisāll make me feel better!
Faith: ā¦Arenāt you gonna say that thing you always do?
āGrandmaā: That thing?
Faith: Yāknow? Your catchphrase? Blank and blank?
āGrandmaā: Blank and blank? I- I got it! Black and white?
Faith: The hell is that?
Keith: Itās a whiskey brandā¦ Haha, was I right?
Faith: Grandmaā¦ When did you know so much about alcohol? Itās like youāre a completely different person.
Keith: Ok yeah, sorry ābout this but while Grandma loves a good pizza, when it comes to drinking snacks, nothing hits like a good hunk of meat!
ā”ā„ā”
Keith: Gulp, gulpā¦ Damn, that hit the spot. Swallowinā those two whole sure filled me up, and the wine Lilā Red had really topped it off. Maybe itās time to take a nap.
Junior: With his stomach completely full, the wolf let himself drift to sleep. Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandmother were entirely gobbled up and never seen againā¦ Until I had something to say about it!
ā”ā„ā”
Junior: Itās finally my turn to shine! Everyone knows who I am! The amazing huntsman!
Junior: Iāll take down that wolf and save Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmā
Dino: Oh, Mr. Huntsman, heyo.
Junior: What!?
Faith: Ochibi-chanā¦ I mean, Mr. Huntsman, right?
Junior: W- What is going on here? Did someone already save you? Even though it was supposed to be me!?
Faith: Oh, nothing like that. Grandma just smelled pizza and that woke her right up.
Dino: Yeah, I really wanted to eat it. You want some too? Itās great!
Junior: How the hell did Grandma get out on her own!? And win against the big bad wolf!?
Dino: Yeah, Iām not really sure why, but I happen to be a werewolf.
Junior: A w- werewolf? You!?
Faith: Yeah, compared to that big bad wolf, Grandma was bigger and badder, so he just gave in and started drinking.
Keith: Zzz, I can still keep goin'ā¦ā¦
Junior: This is unbelievable... I was pushed into this when I wasn't even needed in the first place.
Faith: Haha, too bad, right, Mr. Huntsman? And after you made all that effort to show up.
Junior: KIāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāā! Exactly! This was supposed to be my moment!
Keith: Shaddup. Iām trynaā sleep here, who the hell is makinā all that noise!?
Keith: Wait, aināt that the huntsman!? Shit, this is bad! I gotta get outta here!
Keith: Shit! Fuck! I drank too much!
[Splash]
Faith: Huh, he fell into the river.
Dino: Sure did.
Faith: In the end, mother was right. Never stray from the path and head directly to your goal.
Faith: Sorry about putting you in danger, Grandma.
Dino: Allās well that ends well, right? We even got rid of the wolf, so itās all good! Love and peace!
Junior: Donāt just end the story with whatever you want! What about me!?
