#heegyukeluv

this is a topic i haven't brought to tumblr yet, and i feel like i can finally speak up about this (i don't plan on giving extra details, but i don't know if i can hold myself back that much tbh 😭)

i have a sick mother. she's dealing with advanced alzheimers/dementia and her state has only worsened ever since the diagnosis, which happened last year.

she doesn't do anything alone (shower, eat) and i'm pratically alone doing all of these, including the normal house chores, cooking, plus the basic "eldery caregiver" stuff. (i do have an older brother, but he is married and has his own stuff to deal with. he's not in the best health conditions either. however, he still helps me a lot)

i don't have a break. i don't have "vacation days". my body aches constantly for having to carry her around. it's just the same fucking day every day and it's exhausting. my mental health last year was crumbling to a darker path i couldn't come out of alone and, a quick "TMI", this is how i met enha and how i started being an engene. they literally brought me back to life.

i lost my father in 2020. both my grandparents in 2019; my grandmother raised me while my parents worked on their stuff, so her loss was very impactful for me.

all of them gone in a time span of 7 months.

then, the pandemic started.

i took care of my father, who was bedridden, sick, and in need of elderly care at the time, alongside my mother, who was still doing well back then, with relatively good health.

i was in this boat from the age of 16 to 20, without the chance to truly experience being a teenager. i couldn't travel, i couldn't go out without having to come back home quickly. i couldn't even consider studying far from home when i got into college.

after a few years of losing my entire youth and feeling... empty? bad? delayed? i had to deal with the fact that i was losing my mom as well. every day. little by little.

writing has occupied this place of "venting out my ideas" as well as giving me will to keep going somehow. i remember when i wrote "a hundred sunsets" i overfocused on it for an entire week. i'd go sleep late at night because i was overwhelmed with ideas and thinking "when i would be able to focus and write tomorrow when i wake up?", and wake up with a similar feeling of "i'll do what i have to do fast so i can write".

i didn't have time to think about... doing bad things to myself, because i was thinking something else. i was thinking about their personalities, their dynamic, their story, everything.

basically, most of my earlier works happened this way.

and now i can't say i'm fine, but i'm healing. and writing still works as a way to vent my ideas and have fun. however, at some point it started to consume me in a not so good way. it started to feel like a... duty? like a "i have to write".

i found myself wondering and actively searching how much time had passed since my last fic and pressuring myself to produce more and "in time".

so i'm taking a break.

and i don't know what to expect from this break; i feel it's a literal breaking free from some kind of chains that i, myself, put on this. on creating. on writing. on myself.

also, i don't know how long. i mean, i could post this and open a doc and start writing right away just because i don't feel the weight of "having to write" anymore after putting these words and feelings out.

i'm incredibly grateful for every single reblog, comment, mention, like, and anything you have given me so far.

it's not a lie when i say i've met amazing and important people here and i'll be forever grateful for that. being recognized as a good writer, or as a writer who can help you through a bad moment by giving something to read, just how many other writers have done to me, it's... i don't have words.

thank you for welcoming me. thank you for being around. thank you for your messages and comments and compliments. i'll be back, don't worry. and you can still send me messages or asks or just be here, cuz i'll be here too. just not... as a writer for a while.