#hee...................hee....................

crazzyyyyy... im actually going nuts with this hhhh bill you broke my hand

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Heeseung x Reader

pairing: older boyfriend × university gf

genre: smut, established relationship, domestic fluff, slight dom!Heeseung

warnings: explicit sexual content, age gap, dirty talk, oral (m. receiving), fingering, creampie, praise kink

summary: Heeseung comes home exhausted from work, but when you tell him you don’t understand your study material… he finds a very hands-on way to make sure the lesson sticks.

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notes: this is pure self-indulgent filth for anyone who loves tired boyfriends who still know exactly how to ruin you while “helping you study” ♡

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Now playing - Often by The Weeknd 🎶

‎The front door clicked shut softly behind Heeseung as he stepped into your shared apartment. At 25, he carried the quiet weight of a long workday on his broad shoulders, his button-up shirt slightly wrinkled, tie already loosened and hanging low around his neck.

‎His dark hair was a little messy from running his fingers through it during meetings, but the moment his eyes found you sitting at the dining table with your university notes spread out, a tired but warm smile tugged at his lips.

‎“Hey, baby,” he murmured, voice low and husky from fatigue.

‎He dropped his bag by the door and walked over, leaning down to press a soft kiss to the top of your head.

‎“Still studying? You’ve been at it all day.”

‎You nodded, biting your lip as you looked up at him.

‎“Yeah… there’s this concept I just can’t wrap my head around for tomorrow’s exam. I was waiting for you.”

‎Heeseung let out a quiet sigh, but there was no hesitation.

‎He shrugged off his jacket, rolled up the sleeves of his shirt to his elbows, revealing his toned forearms, and pulled a chair right next to yours.

‎Even exhausted, he never said no to helping you.

‎“Alright, show me what you’re struggling with.”

‎You pointed at the page, explaining the difficult theory as best as you could. Heeseung listened carefully, nodding, then began explaining it in that calm, patient voice of his.

‎His arm rested along the back of your chair, his body close enough that you could smell his cologne mixed with the faint scent of his long day.

‎But the more he talked, the harder it became to focus.

‎“Does that make sense?” he asked after a few minutes, his eyes soft on yours.

‎You shook your head slowly, pretending to be confused even though you were starting to understand.

‎“Not really… can you explain it again?”

‎A small, knowing smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth.

‎Heeseung shifted closer, his thigh pressing lightly against yours under the table.

‎“Okay… let’s try it like this.”

‎His hand moved from the back of your chair to rest on your knee, warm and heavy.

DISCLAIMER : Im not encouraging sleep deprivation. Im simply sharing my experiences because I've insomnia and i tend to be sleep deprived everyday. Also, a very long post ahead! [+Permashifter]

TRIGGER WARNING : Su!c!d3

I wasn't expecting myself to write this which is crazy because I've been wanting to write this kind of blog for a long while.

I didn't had this full knowing belief in the void. I never really did even when I was affirming like my life depended on it (which it did). I never contradicted myself in the past two weeks. But somehow it still felt, like it's all so unreal. Because you are telling me, who always wanted to live her life but never this life due to her very shitty family, is now getting a chance at second life? It felt like a dream come true. Like it's a genie. Like it's something that can get me out of this hell finally.

So maybe I did put the void on pedestal for a while.. a long while. Before I was forced into realizing that shouldn't be the case. The only thing that im supposed to put on the pedestal is ME! Thank you to the dozens of bloggers who keeps me on my toes with their tough love posts. I really fucking needed it to get it through my thick skull.

[I think im yapping too much so moving on]

I've known LOA for years now. I found it probably by 2022-2023. Though, at first it was law of attraction and uhm yeah, that didn't end well. So I moved on to law of assumption very quickly. I used to manifest a lot, like a lot on daily basis. Mind you i was a teen, like 15-16. Though i vividly remember myself manifesting weathers and stuff on daily basis at the age of 17. So yeah, LOA has never been a problem to me. Though.. i did use tumblr back in 2023, and ofc it led me to void state because it was so popular.

And yeah, long story short— I put the void state above me. Alas, I never really entered it. Though there were times i was too close to it. It happened twice and i still remember it. It was through lucid dreaming.

I've been struggling from insomnia for a long time. From the age of 13 to 20 now. It's hard for me to fall asleep most of the time. At some point, I ended up in a constant cycle of sleep deprivation and only small naps in the afternoon. That was where the LD started. It happened once, then again the next day. I was like.. damn, it's quite easy huh? Why not use it for void? So i did!! I ended up in a dream, remembered that im dreaming and then affirmed like a mantra "iminthevoidstateiminthevoidstateiminthevoidstate". I starting to fall backwards, somewhere in pitch black and my heart started beating so fast. I was panicking inside and ofc.. i woke up in my bed. Sigh.

It happened again, and I kind of lost it because 'maybe it wasn't really for me'. At that time I was suffering through life-long medical issues. I've been sick for years now, still am. It got so bad at some point that I couldn't attend school at all. I was in senior highschool. [Im Indian so boards are hell iykyk so yeah 11th and 12th was a misery for me. But ay! I still passed with 80%.]

And at that time, I left tumblr to focus on studies. Idk how but i completely forgot about void state. I didn't use tumblr, or anything related to LOA.

Until this damn year! It was 10 march. My bias left his group.. (fuckyouhybe). God i was so devastated (still am). Kpop groups have been such a comfort for me and I just couldn't digest hee leaving enha. Somehow through the protest and stuff on X, a baddie was gathering other Manifestation believer baddies. I gasped so loudly and downloaded tumblr so fucking quick yall.

So I've been lurking on here from late march. Uhm yeah, i knew what I was reading. I knew what to do but I still couldn't. I was stuck in the constant cycle of procrastination -> scroll through tumblr -> read hundreds of blogs -> not applying -> no fucking results. I knew i was procrastinating, I KNEW i need to stop it because this reality is so close to having me h@ng myself.

So i locked the fuck in. Affirmingaffirming, listening to subliminals, mental diet but my birthday was approaching. I've been fucking horrified for the past three weeks cuz I did not want to experience it. I did not want to turn 20. Did not want to listen to my family talk shit about how wørth!ess I am. And god, my birthday was yesterday. I survived but it was the worst day of 2026 so far (second being 10 march, fuckyouhybe)

I cried so much last night. I wanted to k!llmyse!f. I couldn't sleep yesterday at all but I've never really been able to sleep anyway. So it wasn't a big deal. Sigh, consoling myself (its okay)

[Context— I was affirming for LD the past two days. Whenever I remembered, I did reality checks like trying to push my finger through my palm before lazily whispering to myself 'am i dreaming? Oh im not dreaming'. I just did it because why not? I was so desperate two days ago. So I started at the night of 16th, affirmed everytime I rememberd. And just this morning, it started to feel somewhat natural like i kept remembering to affirm even though i wasn't really putting effort into it. Like i said, I did it lazily]

Until i took a nap just this afternoon. I ended up having a lucid dream. Idk what the fuck was happening but my voice ringed in the same lazy manner 'am i dreaming?' I couldn't even finish my sentence because lmao i gasped so dramatically, 'shit im dreaming' I started affirming 'imthevoidimthevoidimthevoid' immediately.

When I tell you it was so fucking crazy. My body immediately start flying upwards like i was being vacuumed? There were crazy tremors, like i was having a seizure of some sort and there was a clock. Like when u close your eyes and instead of darkness theres a fucking clock— it was moving so fucking fast. Almost felt like it was going to announce the time of my death 😭 but i did not stop affirming. I ignored it. I kept and KEPT affirming stubbornly. My heartbeat was so loud for a moment before I started to feel like somewhat peaceful. Like i was so close to the void state because that kind of relaxation— I never felt it.

Just, JUST RIGHT WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO ENTER IT— I WOKE UP HERE OH MY FUCKING GOD. I was so close. SO close. Even when I opened my eyes, my body was so fucking heavy and it felt like I was glue sticked to the bed. I never felt this kind of sensation ever after waking up. Even after sitting up, my limbs felt so heavy like i was in MABA before waking up.

I immediately got teary but didn't cry because of course i knew the void is easy. It is but it never felt like that way. Cr to that one video I saw today and the pretty lady in it said 'Just because it feels like doesnt mean its a fact'. Yeah. Just because void/shifting/anyfuckingthing feels like it's hard, it doesn't mean its a fact. It's simply a feeling.