my parents kinda left me alone, emotionally. didn't have cable TV, didn't really approve of the aerial anyway, put me in school a year early where i was bullied a lot. so i had few friends, and i never really saw the point of being a 'nice' person to anyone, since nearly everyone was trash.

we got older and learned about sex, and it seemed to me like romance wasn't real. it was more of a game about sex, or a polite way of speaking about it.

in university, i made a new start. i met some real people doing real things, and like, it gradually dawned on me that maybe i am trash. maybe only i am trash, here.

back in school, i had withdrawn from everyone. i never noticed if my high-school classmates became non-trash before graduation, and once out, i never planned on attending a reunion (still haven't)… because everyone had been trash once.

but the university people seemed nicer? nicer than i deserved??

so i started working on being better. but i still felt like a simulation of a human, not a real person. somewhere in the middle of the puzzle, there was a missing piece. i just didn't get romance.

time moves on, so i went out in the world, and got in a romantic relationship where i didn't feel like i was entirely in sync with the "romance" my partner seemed to feel. i assumed it was depression (something else threaded through my life, pulled by the needle of 'everyone is trash.')

it was only when i wanted to learn more about asexuality, and some were emphasizing their romantic capacity, that i began to wonder: "what would be the point?" why would anyone perform the romance, if not for sex? and under that rock, i finally found aromantic allosexual.

it was a relief. it explained everything. but it opened up new pain, because now i understood those 'weird' past encounters where i couldn't offer people support for their breakups. i hadn't believed they were suffering, because i didn't believe in the reality of romance.

i had never felt broken myself; i always thought the concept of romance was broken. and that other people were broken, or maybe that there was some sort of cosmic kick-me sign on me. i was, above all else, confused and egocentric.

Ok so, I have a heck of a dilemma here, and I apologize if this is the wrong place to vent/seek advice about this, because the only thing specifically poly about this is the fact that there happens to be a polyam relationship involved here.

But anyways, I have these couple I'm friends with who I've recently started dating. Going to call them... L and V. And I have a best friend who I'll call S. Everyone involved I've known for years now.

Niw things have been going absolutely magically with L and V, I have no problems with the relationship. It's something that kinda started out casual, but may actually be headed in a more serious direction bc the longer we date and talk to each other, the more it really seems like we're falling more and more in love with one another. Communication has also been crystal clear and impeccable, probably my only complaint is how far away they live lol.

Now um, the issue however, is my best friend... S.

I went to celebrate the news with her shortly after this all began... and she told me a pretty awful story about some stuff that V did to her. I will spare the details, but essentially this was sexual harassment and bullying, and it had a very profound effect on her...

Now, I would have broken off the relationship then and there... However, the tricky thing about this is it happened when they were like 14. Nearly a decade ago. So long ago that V literally had a different name and pronouns back then.

She is not the same person she was when she did these things, and she hasn't been for years and years.

It seems wildly unfair to her to judge her for this behavior, which is so disconnected from the person I know her as today. Additionally having spoken with L about this, she confirmed that having known about this story, she has kept an eye out through the years the two of them have been dating, and she can corroborate this with her own observations and judgement, which I trust immensely.

Yet at the same time, I can completely understand S's feelings on the matter and why she wouldn't want to forgive her for what happened, it would also be unfair to her to dismiss these feelings when they clearly hold have had such a profound effect on her.

(Like, I was real piece of shit too when I was 14... I would feel so distraught to have that brought back up against me now as a different person, but ar the same time I would understand why someone I hurt back then wouldn't want to speak to me.)

Now, at first it seemed like it may be possible to thread the needle here.

I talked this out with each of them, and I established some formal rules and boundaries to keep V away from S, and make sure my relationship here doesn't bring them into contact with each other. V even quite graciously volunteered unprompted to step away completely from all of our mutual friends.

And for a time S seemed satisfied with this, it seemed like we could move forward.

But now that some more time has passed she's come to me again, and appears to be changing her mind. She seems upset with me for having continued with this relationship, and is now stating that she doesn't think she can continue to be friends with someone in a relationship with L or V.

And, frankly I just feel exhausted about this whole situation at this point.

I've skipped over a good amount here but I've been thinking about and discussing this for weeks now and just, fuck....

I really don't want to have to choose between these relationships...

S and I have been best friends for years now, and my relationship with her is one of the most precious in my life. I love her immensely.

Meanwhile what's been happening with L and V has felt like a dream come true, I've also been friends with them for years, and I feel so happy with them, and I also love them quite dearly. It feels like exactly the sort of thing I've needed in my life for a while now and I just, I feel, almost angry that events have transpired such that this joy is being ripped away from me,,, (even though I that this not the crux of the issue).

I feel like if it really comes down to it, I need to pick S, because then I at least get to keep L and V as friends. But honestly it just feels like such an impossible situation. Even if I did that I don't know how I can just, put away my feelings for them like that all of a sudden...

To complicate matters even further, some additional points I didn't really know how to fit in:

- S has also been experiencing a pretty severe mental health crisis at the moment, unrelated to the present issue. Her emotions and intensity towards these issues seems to vacillate quite dramatically day to day, which makes engaging with this make me feel nervous and unpredictable.

- L and S are also exes, though this relationship was brief and it happened years ago. It ended on terms which I would describe as neither amicable nor acrimonious, with neither party really at fault.

- V does not dispute that this happened, but does have what seem like very plausible objections to some of the details in S's account.

- I have also been in a bit of a bit of a mental health episode with some of my own issues, as I write this I'm going through a couple different med withdrawals because I lost track of my prescriptions, had a bout of substance abuse the other day (which is unusual for me), and generally just kinda feel like shit, I am not just emotionally exhausted because of this, but from my own issues, and actual physical exhaustion. I feel nervous to engage at the present moment, because I'm not in a great headspace but S also clearly seems to want to talk and I've already been deferring that conversation, I don't want her to feel like I'm ignoring her.

I just feel so fucking lost... I don't want to lose anyone... and my plate is already so full with my own neuroses and fuckups, I just feel... Numb.

Yeah, that's A Lot. I'm sorry all this is weighing on you, and being overwhelmed is absolutely the normal response. 🫂

I'm gonna keep it real with you, man, I'm not able to tell you what to do here. What I will do, though, is raise some points I think you should consider moving forward. I hope it helps you sort through everything.

Can you handle this right now? Frankly, it sounds like maybe the answer is "no". If so, are you able to take a step back? Can you go a stretch of time without talking to either "side" while you get your bearings and stabilize yourself? Do you have a therapist or very strong support system outside of S, L, and V? If not, you need to get that set up yesterday

Will whatever you choose be permanent? Since you think S is more sensitive to this than usual, is it possible to step back from one side or the other for a while while S stabilizes? (Also how long will that take and can you handle it?) Then look at reintroducing or ramping back up whichever the other one was when S is better equipped to deal with that?

Can you talk to S openly? Can she help you understand why its so hard on her even with the limits you've already put in place? Have you explained that while you understand S was seriously hurt she has no mandate to get over that, it also feels incredibly unfair for you, a party who was not involved, to hold something a decade old over the head of someone else, and that it feels unfair you're being forced to choose sides in that? If you can't now, will you ever?

Spinning off of that, how will it impact your friendship with S that she put you in this situation? Especially if you're not able to talk it through with her about how shitty if feels for you. As much I consider myself a gracious person, I personally would absolutely hold a grudge against that friend forever despite my best efforts. You said you felt you'd "have" to choose S if it actually came down to it, but would that even save the friendship with S? I'd hate for you to choose that and then have your own resentment spoil the friendship anyway, but maybe you're a much stronger person than I am in that regard.

How you feel about sneaking? Don't get me wrong, this is no one's first choice, and this is not necessarily a recommendation. Could you pull it off to keep L and V your dirty little secret? Do you want to? Would they? Can what S doesn't know hurt her?

What are the odds S is okay (and stays okay) with you staying friends with L and V? Has S said explicitly that was okay, or does she expect you to cut off contact when/if you stop dating them? If she is okay with you staying friends, can she explain what that difference is and why it matters to her? Might her feelings on that change like her feelings on you dating them (or something akin to dating them) did? What do you do then?

How are V and L doing with all this? How understanding will they be to your choices?

Will your choice, whatever that may be, set a precedent? Do you like the precedent it sets? Are you prepared to deal with future issues under the precedent you'd be setting now?

Lastly. There is a lot of potential progress that could be made by S talking directly to V and clearing the air. It sounds like V would be willing to apologize for a lot of stuff, and maybe closure could be had. But it also has the potential to go very bad, and fast. With S being less than stable, it might not even be something you want to float by her. But I have rarely seen things get 100% resolved without that, anecdotally, so if its not an option, be prepared to buckle down for the long haul. If that is an option, consider a moderator, and make sure that moderator is someone other than you or L.

Okay. Breath time. That's a lot, so take a sec here to regroup. Do something to reset. Get a drink 🧃 or wash your face🧑🚿 or image search "hamsters in hats"🐹👒. Like for real. The rest of this answer will still be here when you get back.

Once you're refreshed... I do have a little bit of actual advice. Its not the core problem, but in my experience, these will be integral to preventing additional spiraling. I'm tired of the bullet format, so I'm going to try each point in its own font. If that doesn't work with your eyes, maybe copy/paste into a notepad or notes app and it should make it all the default font.

Do not talk shit on S with V&L and vice versa. Find a neutral third party to vent to. If all your friends are involved, get a new one or a therapist. Do not vent to one about the other. When you have to tell them about something, prep them that you will be doing so, keep your tone neutral, and own your decisions. For example, you will NOT say "S is making me break up with you" to L or V. You MAY say "Its very hard on S for me to be seeing you right now, so I am considering taking a step back from both of you."

Try not to let shit fester. That is very difficult when you've got to balance another's precarious mental health (ask me how I know. Actually, please don't). But if you're fucked up by something, you have a right to respectfully discuss it with the relevant person. If you're going to be mad or hurt, it will make things worse long term if you never say something. That shit earns compound interest (please don't ask me how I know) so you gotta make sure you pay it off quick. If you consider something a sacrifice, the other person should know, and they should show you some amount of gratitude for making that sacrifice. Watch yourself if you're the type to lose your temper that it doesn't slide into berating, guilt-tripping, etc. But you can and should talk about how its affecting you.

Let people know ahead of time, when you can, what things are likely from you in what situations. "I may have a few days of radio silence if I get overwhelmed," for example. This applies not just to L, V, and S, but your other friends as well.

The End

Those are the big points. There are always a lot of things to juggle when its messy like this, so you'll have to forgive me if I overlooked something. You'll also of course have to use your own judgement. In addition to my normal "see your therapist" reminder, I feel the need to add in this case: you don't have to be suicidal to utilize your crisis line of choice📞. You can call just for emotional crisis, or if you're considering using, or if someone ELSE is in an emotional crisis and you don't know how tf to deal with it. I'm not gonna plug any particular hotline here, because its very easily googlable, but I recommend choosing one to have saved in your phone, even if you're sure you'll never use it.

(Hi!! (*´▽｀)ﾉﾉ ) When is saw Sonic 3 i got the urge to draw skk as sonic characters (yes... it's that old of a wip.) Chuuya was obviously going to be a sheep & Dazai was a mess to pick, until i saw a fanart (done by @/TerriblySadDay on twt) of him as a deer & it clicked in place. With that i got the thought on how both sheep & deer headbutt each other & knew skk would definitely do that.

“Always hungry, like his father.” // “I fear little Friedrich is so strong and hungry, he's eating me weary.”

CRIES AND WHISPERS (1972) dir. Ingmar Bergman

for example, i was watching a video on what happened to cause the decline of 'mid-budget films'. all sorts of factors were discussed, from the streaming wars, to corporate consolidation, to low attendance in theaters. all true, yet... low attendance in theaters is attributed to streaming, market pressures, and big names not pulling people in- also true.

but not once was the fact that 1,140,278 people in the U.S. alone have died since 2023 mentioned.

there are 1,140,278 less people to fill those theater seats than there were in 2019. That is 1,140,278 less people making, shipping, and selling our goods. that is 1,140,278 less people taking their earnings home and spending what little they have left on those goods, the only thing keeping our manchild-ran economy from crumbling into recession.

our workforce decreased by 1,140,278 less people because you KNOW it was the working class, out there dying for everyone else. our workforce decreased by 1,140,278 less people due to one cause alone.

but no one says it. no one factors it in. countless thinkpieces, videos, news segments, conversations overheard in packed restaurants full of maskless, spitting faces about how our economy is crumbling under its own weight because of the internet, because of countless natural disasters battering our country from all sides, because of global trade, because of anything but the factor that we lost 1,140,278 people to preventable causes.

this 1,140,278 people, gone from our lives, and this doesn't even begin to touch the number of people permanently disabled, unable to work. but that number is far bigger than we can reliably calculate. more than we could begin to process.

this, by the way, is the number for the U.S. only. the country i live in, who ranks second worldwide in deaths per million due to this one cause.

and after three years of this constant, ongoing mass dying, we don't say its name. there's an eerie silence around it, a gaping hole we dare not touch. lest we violate some sort of social rule, heaven forbid. we spit on the deaths of those 1,140,278 people every time we forget, and every time we let our government get away with not protecting or caring about its people.

uh-- to new followers--hi! Sorry about this, I don't do this often (or AS often) but I will tag non-Sims-related posts with #not sims so you can block that mess out.

(cw: uspol, worldpol, mentions of childhood abuse [every kind], mentions of death, bloodshed)