#heavy lids

Sinking lower and lower in my seat. Friday god, please hear my prayer and make time jump forward two hours

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Insomnia, go away.

girls are just as complicated as boys, don't you think they're not. times you will be confused and sleepy, the kind of heavy-lidded sleepy they talk about in a cozy way in c.s. lewis novels that makes you think of crackling campfires and christmastime tea and your mother reading to you in bed, but the same kind of heavy-lidded sleepy that, when you're older, usually comes from drinking too much wine or taking too many klonopin and being very, very tired, and emotionally drained and stretched out thin and confused and desirous but exhausted and so, empty. no longer is the heavy-lidded sleepiness comforting but it is a battle you're waging; stay awake, stay awake, but i'm tired and it hurts and i want the world to go away do you know what i'm saying? yes but you're too big for that now and you must STAY AWAKE. you deny the heavy-lidded sleepiness and force the lids so wide you look like a possessed doll prop from a horror film and you sit and you wait and you contemplate how girls can be just as complicated as boys when you ARE a girl, but how it's almost complicated in a worse way because oh, you can just guess all the things they must be thinking- and then your eyes start to drift till you pinch yourself awake because you'll stay up all goddamn night if you have to, work in the morning be damned, you are on a mission, you are waging a war and by gum you will figure out this girl if it kills you tonight.