#heartling

When Heart was thirteen, he was pretty average. Well, as average as he could feel when he was realizing he wasn’t the same as his friends - that he didn’t care about flirting with the girls at school or fantasizing about what it would be like to marry or have sex with the hottest actresses and models.

He remembered laughing with his friends about a new movie and then making an offhand comment about how hot the main actor was. The jeers and teasing that went up around the circle immediately told him he’d said something not-normal, and he played it off as heterosexually as possible. None of them guessed that he wasn’t joking.

When Heart was fourteen, he got really sick while traveling abroad during break. First, his whole body ached. Lights felt like daggers to his eyes. The doctors thought it was the world’s worst migraine until the fever struck him down a day later. When sounds started to seem faded or distant, he cried with fear. His parents were panicked. The doctors were nervous.

When the medication started to work on the virus, everyone else seemed so relieved, but Heart wanted to die. His world had gone silent, and there was nothing he or his parents’ money could do about it.

At first, his mother had been a fighter, determined to try anything and everything to help him regain his hearing. While she argued with experts, Heart learned sign language. When his mother wrote down words to ask how he was, he lied and told her he was fine and that he was hopeful about getting his hearing back. But he knew it was hopeless. The doctors didn’t lie to him. It was only his mother in denial.

After a few months, it became clear that this was his life now. He tried to teach his mother basic signs, but she always found a reason to be too busy to watch his hands. His father, also, was too busy with work to dedicate any real time to his newly disabled son. More than ever before, it seemed both of his parents had more to do outside the house than in it. And Heart was no longer allowed to go out to meet them or anyone else.

His once bright world became the quiet solemn loneliness of his house.

Heart was resentful of his solitude, of his illness, of his parents. Eventually that resentfulness turned to sorrow and acceptance. He had not died on the trip at fourteen-years-old, but he had lost his life all the same.

Then, on a completely ordinary, boring day three years later, a delivery of chicken and rice startled Heart into a whole new life all over again.

Li Ming was so loud that Heart could hear him even without sound. He was so bright that Heart could notice him even without looking directly at him. His joy and his anger and his passion were all so intense that it forced Heart’s stagnant world into motion.

Li Ming learned sign language for Heart and helped him communicate. He helped Heart find others in the deaf community, helped him get out of the house and experience life, helped him find a university and convince his parents to let him apply, helped Heart through grief and mended his relationship with his parents. The other boy did so much for Heart that Heart often worried he was nothing more than a burden.

Except Li Ming smiled at him and looked at him like something precious. Li Ming made sure to touch Heart even when they had nothing to talk about, to let Heart know he wasn’t alone. Li Ming called him “boyfriend” and kissed him. He seemed so happy when he was with Heart, and that was usually enough to assuage Heart’s fears.

Heart still wished he could do more for his boyfriend.

Soon they would be in a new country, with only each other to rely on, making their way in the world as a couple and as individuals. They were on the cusp of a whole new world. It was thrilling. It was terrifying.

For the first time in years, Heart looked forward to his birthday. He was turning eighteen, he’d been accepted into the university of his choice, and his parents were throwing a party for him that included all of Heart’s new friends. It was so normal and happy that Heart could almost forget his three years of lackluster celebrations.

More than the party, however, Heart was excited for the afternoon before it. He and Li Ming were going to the movies and then walking down the boardwalk. Movies with Li Ming were always fun, and if Li Ming didn’t have to be his subtitles, they held hands and crossed ankles during the show.

Heart loved playing with Li Ming’s fingers, feeling the soft skin and remembering the joy he felt when he realized this crazy delivery kid was really making an effort to talk with his hands just so Heart would have someone to talk to at all. He loved Li Ming’s hands so much. Sometimes he missed parts of the movie because his eyes stayed on them too long, but that was okay. He just wanted to be near Li Ming.

After the movie, they held hands as they walked out of the mall and down the street toward the beach. Li Ming talked a lot, his hand making what gestures it could, Heart making up the rest by reading his lips and body language. If the sentence was too complicated, Li Ming would text it to him instead and then buzz with energy while he waited for Heart to read it. Stopping by the entrance to the beach, Li Ming typed a long message.

“My uncle bought me a new suitcase yesterday. He said my old one was no good. He also wouldn’t let me refuse it. Apparently it counts as your birthday gift?”

Heart chuckled. “He’s making sure you can come with me to America. Thank him for the gift.”

The message sent, was read, but no typing bubble popped up. That’s when Heart realized Li Ming had also stopped buzzing with excitement. His grip on Heart’s hand was normally lax, but it suddenly grew tight. When he looked up to ask Li Ming if he was okay, he found the other’s eyes intense and focused on nothing.

Heart put his phone in his pocket and tried to sign “what?”, but Li Ming’s eyes darted away from him before he could. His normally happy face was pulled into a tight frown as he tried to look around at people and yet not look at them at the same time. His jaw was tight. His fingers tensed again.

When they’d first met, Li Ming would let his anger take over. He was quick to defend himself and wasn’t afraid of conflict or consequences. Over the year, however, he’d cooled down. He picked his battles and tried not to fight if he could help it. But something was bothering him now. He looked like he wanted to fight. He looked like he wanted to cry.

Heart glanced around, trying to figure out what might have set his boyfriend off. It was obviously something Li Ming had heard, and Heart had no way of guessing where it was coming from or what it had been.

There were many people walking around this close to the shops and the beach, and Heart had to guess it was something to do with one of them. He scanned the crowds and found a group that kept glancing at the two young men. They were talking, their eyes sliding over Heart and Li Ming like a dirty secret, and then looking back at each other as they spoke. But their body language didn’t suggest they were whispering.

When they angled properly, Heart could read a little of their conversation. Mostly it was useless words, filler stuff, but he caught enough. Gay. Disgusting. Gross. Creepy. And they laughed about it. No wonder Li Ming wanted to fight them.

Heart tugged on Li Ming’s hand and the other glanced sharply up at him. He looked shocked, like maybe he hadn’t realized how distracted he’d been by the words he’d heard. He pulled his hand away from Heart’s so he could properly sign “I’m sorry” while his mouth moved too fast for Heart to read.

There was no sound. Heart couldn’t hear a thing, and yet Li Ming’s heart was screaming in front of him. He was trying to play it off and pretend, but Heart knew him better than that. He could see the truth in his eyes, in his mouth, in his hands. Li Ming was trying to protect him from the nasty words he’d heard, but it wasn’t Heart who needed the help. He hadn’t heard anything, after all.

Carefully, Heart gave a pointed stare to the group, so that they and Li Ming knew he understood, then he directed all of his attention on Li Ming’s face. Before his boyfriend could really get started on trying to explain the group, Heart gently placed his hands over Li Ming’s ears and held him in place.

He looked straight into Li Ming’s eyes while he blocked out as much sound as he could, and it seemed that, for a moment, the world was quieter for Li Ming too. Like somehow, the peace that came with Heart’s disability was able to reach him through this small gesture. He placed his hands calmly over Heart’s and rested there.

Li Ming had been acting as Heart’s ears for a year and had helped him in so many ways. Sometimes Heart forgot that he helped ground Li Ming too. He pulled Li Ming out of his head and reminded him about the good that came with being still sometimes.

Under his hands, Li Ming began to smile again, and this time it was real. He lowered his hands and signed, “Thank you.”

Heart dropped his hands as well to sign “For what?”

Li Ming shrugged. “Everything,” he said. “I love you.”

Catching his breath, Heart pressed a hand to his chest and smiled warmly. “I love you,” he signed back. He motioned to the beach. “Do you still want to go?”