I really don't know why I do this to myself. I know I didn't sleep well before and I need sleep, but I can't. I know it is because I haven't talked to Jason tonight. I am listening to a song that Jason had me listen to a long time ago that I fell in love with and I have only one-- Hard feeling-- about this song. It is a song that makes him think of Taryn, to this day, I don't really know what she meant to him, I just know she was a HUGE deal. :/ I don't like to talk about it cause it seems like it is a different Jason, one that I don't really feel like I have a right to know. I am tearing up writing this. I briefly explained this to Kaytee and she said its a fair feeling, but I don't know. I feel like I am not supposed to feel this way and I am, so I try to suppress it. I digress.
I end up spending the night doubting myself. I know that he loves me but I can't help but wonder if things might have been different if she didn't die, if he'd still love me the same, or if things would have lasted between the two of them. :/ And Kaytee came over tonight and we kinda just hung out. She said that it was a night that she would be boy free, and she ended up talking to him a lot. I am all for her being happy but it seems like she is ALWAYS talking to him. But I guess I don't have a problem with that. She is happy that is all that matters I guess.
Any way, I have many more problems, sleep is keeping me from putting them on here. I was pretty good at posting about happy stuff. I guess it is true that the hardest stuff to come to terms with is the stuff that you want to hide deep in side yourself and not let any one see. :/
I have found that I am a very insecure person and the thing that ended up showing me that is the thing that I value the most. My love for Jason Andrew. that is his middle name and I am not gonna post his last name just so its known. Ugh. I will try to post tomorrow, I know I will feel angsty cause Jason doesn't get home until 11pm tomorrow from his hunting trip. So, I will be on tomorrow if I am around my laptop.
I love you Jason Andrew. ♥ I will let you see all my insecurities one day, I promise. You will see this and it will... I don't know how you will react. I thought about giving you this post, I may talk to you about it, but not tomorrow. You go into work bright and early on Tuesday so. I won't keep you up with this petty angst. G'night. I hope you are sleeping well my onomatopoeia.
