#heart content

You know, I started to love my family, I guess. Every moment we made, I can record every good thing inside. Well, I know well why I resent my family before. It simply because I remember too well every mistake, bad thinngs we have.

So yeah, I can say I started to love my family. But today, I wish I could vanished them all. This morning, such a good start, I wish I could stab my stomach. Lay on bed, hoping no one notice that I slowly losing my blood. So then, they will shocked that their little sister has attempt suicide. Perfect.

Maybe I'm just being dramatic. But, I really wish I could scream in front of their face, saying, "I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU ALL. I F*CKING HATE YOU.

"You know what An, I hate you. But there are so many things that would make me forgive you. I really wish one day I could fine the reason to hate you.

And Pi, you're such a good thinker. I really like discuss something with you. I really like your uptight personality. But I hate you for you became such a ruler in this house

Mom, I hate you. I really hate you with your trying to understand me attitude. Like, you already abandoned me. And now, you want to be a mother that a child can rely on to? It's too late. Just to know, everytime we have conversation about me, I put my guard on. I pick my word wisely. Just to make sure, anything bout me is unreadable. Why? I don't know. I never let people know everything bout me. And you're people right? I'm gonna act like a good friend in front of my friends. I act like a good-annoying sister in front of my siblings. And so, I'm gonna act like a good daughter for you. Don't you feel honored? You will have this good daughter. Someone who gonna listen to every single demand you ask. No matter how much I hate it.

And Bib, I already hate you cause you're the the youngest child. The loveable one. Who get the most attention by mother and father. The one who get spoiled. I know it's annoying actually, how everyone gonna control our action in the name of love, but sometimes when people adore you, I really wish I could be the one too.

But, my image is the reliable Aisyah. That mature one in early age. That smart Aisyah. Perfect one, active in organization, teachers count on her, famous, like by any friends, the wise decision maker.

F*ck. Those streotype is thrilling. Scary but made my heart rush. I like to try. So every streotype is fine. But, one thing sure, everything so far that comes out perfect made me scared of failure. Made me that perfectionist girl. Well, it's reduce at some point now but that perfectionist made me hard to rely on somebody. And looking at my childhood with lack of attention from my parents, do I have to rely on you Mom, Dad?

I promised to him. My 7-year- old me promised to him to not tell anybody bout this. I'm just a child who taught about the mighty of being a trusted person. And you not even notice a slightest bit that something happen. It's been 7 years since those things. And now, when you find out, you try to approach me. Try to being a good mother. Hey, I trained to rely on myself in those years. Trying to believe on myself. Keep everything shut. And so, I became that perfect girl. I through it all with the trust of myself. When you came now, it's just leave me a thought, "Where have you been?"

I really hate my family.

.

.

.

But.. beside everything, they're my family. And my God told me to love my family. So yeah, I love them. Because every person have their lackness. And Allah did say human aren't perfect. Everyone have their strengths and weaknesses. So no matter how much I hate them, they are the person I spend most of my time with. They are the one I made my first laughter.

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