If you hear the bed rocking...it’s probably just my heartbeat causing it from anxiety.
Last night I was laying in bed naming all the things I was thankful for in my head. I was thanking the Lord for allowing me another day to be with Icie and my husband. I was thanking him for Icie’s health and saying how thankful I am that he choose me to be her mom. I made sure to let him know she is the best thing to ever happen to me.
It’s a different kind of love I have for Icie. I love my family and I love my husband, he is my rock, but my love for Icie is set apart from that love. She is a piece of me. It’s hard to explain past that.
I was almost asleep when the memory of Icie’s anesthesiologist telling me I couldn’t go back and be with her while she was put under. Icie was crying as I passed her over to him.
It threw me into an anxiety attack. I repeated to myself “let it go” “let it go” “it’s in the past it’s over” trying to remind myself I can choose to no longer be affected by that instance. I really believe that my heart was beating so fast and strong that the bed was shaking from it. It’s awful. I hate these memories. They do not benefit me one bit and I wish i could just get rid of them. Icie was laying next to me and that is ultimately what pulls me out of my attacks. I’m sure that if Icie was not a heart baby she would be in her own crib but having her in bed with Carl and me makes me feel so much calmer and happier. I’m not sure where I was going with that point. I just fell like it was necessary to say.
Anxiety is creeping over me currently just thinking about that awful memory of the anesthesiologist. My chest is feeling heavy.
I’m thankful Icie will not have any memories of that day.
Also while in the grips of an anxiety attack I try to analyze what is going on and why to try to distract myself. Like, we form memories for certain reasons. I imagine bad memories are so vivid because we are meant to learn something from them, a sorta flight or fight response. So what is my body telling me to do with that memory? Never let a doctor tell me no again? Like honestly wtf? I had no choice at that time so is my body just misfiring and dreading up guilt I feel for handing her off and not taking “no” for an answer? Is it because I’m a Cancer and am way to emotional - especially when it comes to my precious baby? It’s almost been a year and it feels just like it happened. It just sucks. I keep saying “let it go “ but it never leaves. I wonder if it ever will.
