my mother and father probably love "me" but there's no chance it wasn't forced or kinda just a duty. my mom doesn't even believe in me, and that's my fault: many times I've been destroying her trust by just... being me. I never wanted to do things that I don't or no longer enjoy. My mother called that "lack of discipline" and she's also not disciplined at all.
Sometimes my outer words don't describe me at all or even the pure opposite of what I am. I don't know why. When I try to describe what I feel and what I need, for example, to my parents, it feels so goddamn superficial and stupid. I'm afraid of discussing with my mom about my desire of romantic love, because I will always describe that superficially and she'll get it wrong like always.
I'm actually afraid of looking like a "whiny girl" to her, although I came out to her as a trans guy. I feel like it doesn't matter to her (in a bad way). I mean, she still perceives me as her little daughter, even if she sees "something wrong" with me.
I also feel like she still perceives me as an aromantic and asexual human (btw when I was 10 I was extremely antisexual-not-liking-anyone and told that everyone, including my mother).
My high libido freaks me out, my desire to love and be loved is so messed up.
Everytime I talk to my friend, she almost always mentions her new boyfriend and how it feels so good to be finally in romantic relationship. How do you find mutual romance, freaks? I always telling myself "it doesn't matter to me", but I always ending up overthinking and ignoring my feelings.
Human Crush-1 despises me
Human Crush-2 only sees me as a friend (although her new bf has almost similar vibe of me)
me destroying someone's trust by just being myself: my first relationship lasted 2 days. I was extremely shocked and happy that we decided to become lovers, so I just... disappeared. And she decided I don't love her. So she broke up with me. I couldn't actually explain that to her, I said I just forgot to text her, but I figured it out now what it was, it was executive dysfunction actually. I actually thought of her these 2 days of my disappearance.
I feel like, that loving someone and being loved back it's a miracle. U can always love, but would you ever be loved back?
