#he's just... so...

so, to an extent, i do not At All think any of pawbert's behaviors were fake/exaggerated pre-plot twist. i think he genuinely cared about gary and trusted/felt seen by judy (his words too). so, even though he technically already had that acceptance from judy/gary, it obviously would've never been enough because of his deep desire to be loved and accepted by his family/DAD specifically.

with this lifelong ambition, i wonder if hypothetically it's a case of pawbert feeling like without this goal to keep him going/motivated, he would have nothing. does he feel like /nobody/ would truly accept him, because of how his family has made him feel all his life? which, ironically, just makes him yearn for his family's affection even more.

i also wonder about why pawbert is the black sheep of the family in particular? i think he's definitely lgbt in some way because the narrative of desperately wanting to fit into a specific mould is extremely queer by itself. but ofc he can't. i think he was outed somehow, to make things worse. another thing i wonder about is how he felt/reacted to any crimes he may have witnessed or stuff about his family's dark history. like, was he thrust into the world knowing what his role was supposed to be from the start?? was it hidden from him for a while??? did he find out, was it told to him??

based on the fact he acts anxious/awkward, i imagine he's been like this all his life. instead of a confident and suave manipulative lynxley willing to murder in cold blood, he's kind of a bumbling mess. maybe seen as a liability. i have no doubt he might've really messed up some stuff for his family throughout the years, not like regularly because one blip is probably one blip too many. but right after he reveals his intentions and tries to kill both gary and judy, he breathes such a huge sigh of relief like all this anxiety was building in him. insert villain monologue. despite the anxiety, he was so adamant about his beliefs, like he was somehow SO justified in doing this. honestly? he was definitely just riding the high of actually going through with the murder (attempt).

it would be really fitting for him to have never done something like this before, not directly. stooping down to his family's level would then mark the point of no return. symbolically, that's the exact moment he truly 'becomes' a lynxley. the anxiety comes up from the fact that if he fucked up, it would've all been for nothing. like, his plan is one huge gamble!! but the reward outcome makes everything worth it. he said it himself, that he doesn't want to be different. he wants to belong and he's willing to do anything to achieve that and it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AAHHHFHJFJNESJSJSJSNSNSNDNFNFSN. TRAGEDY OKAY his character very tragic. whenever characters perpetuate the cycle of abuse, i just break a little inside okay?

so I'm just. AGGHH. i know it hurt so bad to hear gary be so thankful, so happy and affectionate towarss him. gary was probably the only being in his life to look at him with love. I knowwwww i just know that he had second thoughts at some point. but alas, he made his choice. and watching it literally destroy him was SOOOOOO SHAJSNSNSDMDMFMFMFMFM. i love the shining reference. bc yep, he really did have a Jack style mental break going on...

in another world he helped them. but it would've just gotten him killed.