#he'll learn

“Has Lan-xiansheng decided against taking him in after all? I thought it seemed strange that he would suggest it, he’s never shown an interest in the boy before. Come inside, Jingyi, and don’t wake the others on your way to bed.”

Jingyi steps forward, confused by the mention of Lan-xiansheng, but Hanguang-Jun holds a hand out to stop his progress. “Shufu?” he asks, and the woman blinks up at him.

“He sent Jingyi here with a letter this afternoon saying that whenever Jingyi is ready to leave here he’ll take him off our hands. When Jingyi didn’t come back for curfew we figured he’d gone to Lan-xiansheng, though I thought it was strange he didn’t take any of his belongings with him. Has Lan-xiansheng changed his mind?”

Lan-xiansheng wants to take him in? Him?!

Hanguang-Jun asks, “Jingyi – why did you not say?” and the moment of elation is quickly replaced with a seizing panic.

“I didn’t know!” he hurries to defend himself, lest he be accused of lying about something that he’s desperately wanted for so long. “Lan-xiansheng didn’t tell me what the letter said he just asked me to deliver it, and he’d Silenced me so I couldn’t ask what it was!”

“If you didn’t go to Lan-xiansheng then where have you been?” the auntie asks – they’re all so good at that, picking out every rule he breaks whether he thinks he’s been sneaky or not. “Hiding in the woods again waiting for someone to catch you?”

“No! I was -” Jingyi cuts himself off, his panic growing worse. He was supposed to finally get a home, a family, but he’d broken the rules instead and broken into a guest house and stole, and there’s no way they’ll let him have a family now, not when he’s already confessed his crimes to Hanguang-Jun. “I just..I wanted…”

“To make everyone worry about you, is that it?” the auntie accuses, and Jingyi shakes his head fervently even though he knows it’s wrong to disrespect his elders (and that he’s lying a little as well, as some small part of him had been upset that no one apparently had worried about him when he wasn’t anywhere to be found). “Get inside, we’ll discuss your punishment in the morning. Hanguang-Jun, this humble one apologizes for Jingyi’s behavior –”

“Retrieve his belongings.”

Everything freezes. Even Jingyi’s blood feels cold at the iciness in Hanguang-Jun’s tone.

“Ha-Hanguang-Jun?”

 “There has been a misunderstanding. I will deliver him to Shufu, with his belongings.”

Jingyi doesn’t have very many things of his own. He has his two spare sets of robes and a sleeping pallet – that he supposes suddenly is actually probably not his at all but has to stay in the children’s home in case someone else needs it instead. He has a couple of little trinkets that he’s collected during festivals over the years, little scraps of things that he likes to play with sometimes, none of them bigger than his hand. When the auntie recovers enough to do as Hanguang-Jun asks, it takes her less than an incense stick to step back out onto the porch, a neat bundle in her hands that contains everything he owns. Hanguang-Jun takes it wordlessly and turns down the path again, and when he reaches Jingyi he pauses to hold his hand out flat by his hip.

He doesn’t move again until Jingyi tentatively reaches up to touch their fingertips together, and even then all Hanguang-Jun does is curl his fingers around his palm to take him firmly by the hand. Jingyi immediately huddles closer to his side, his entire body hurting with how deeply he craves such simple affection. He scrubs hard at his eyes with his free hand while Hanguang-Jun leads him through Cloud Recesses once again, this time destined for the Yashi.

“Wangji? What’s wrong?”

Lan-xiansheng, unlike the auntie, isn’t dressed down for bed yet, and there’s still a lantern burning on his desk in the bit of the room Jingyi can see through the door when he opens it at their knock. He keeps his thoughts about the rule not to work after hai shi behind his lips and peeks carefully around Hanguang-Jun’s hip to look up at Lan-xiansheng, unsure if such a stern, rule-following person would really want to agree to take him in.

Unless…

Jingyi’s heart sinks as he thinks that maybe he’s been deemed such a hopeless case that the only way to fix him at all is to be constantly watched by the strictest disciplinarian in all of Cloud Recesses. Maybe, instead of a family, he’s just in permanent detention with no free time allowed ever again.

“There has been a misunderstanding,” Hanguang-Jun repeats. “Jingyi was not informed of your intentions. Clarification is needed.”

“Come in.” Lan-xiansheng steps aside, and the only reason Jingyi steps over the threshold is because Hanguang-Jun is still holding his hand and there’s no way for him to escape again. “Give me his things, both of you sit down.” Jingyi watches Lan-xiansheng take the neat packet from Hanguang-Jun and turn to place it down on a small bed in the corner of the room furthest from the door. He follows when Hanguang-Jun leads him over to the table, and sits down on the cushion he’s directed to with a feeling in his chest like this is all a very weird – and kind of scary – dream.

“Hanguang-Jun?” Jingyi whispers. Hanguang-Jun leans down ever so slightly so that Jingyi can go up on his knees and talk in his ear without Lan-xiansheng overhearing. “Am I being punished again?”

“No. You are not in trouble.”

No trouble at all? That can’t possibly be right. Jingyi sits back down on his heels with a little frown, thoroughly at a loss now, but he’s out of time to ask questions.

“Jingyi, did your caretakers at the children’s home tell you what I instructed them to do?” Lan-xiansheng asks once he’s seated across the table from him. Jingyi shakes his head no, still unable to raise his eyes to look either of the men in the face. “Why not?”

“I left right after I gave it to them, before they opened it.”

“And they didn’t tell you when you returned?”

Jingyi can’t stop himself from fidgeting uncomfortably. “I didn’t go back until Hanguang-Jun just took me there now.”

“Jingyi chose a guest house to live in on his own,” Hanguang-Jun supplies for him. “He was returning there, I found him on the path.”

“On his own?” Lan-xiansheng demands. Jingyi flinches ever so slightly, but Hanguang-Jun must be paying extra close attention to him because he rests a hand on his back and Jingyi leans into the warm pressure of it automatically for comfort. “What for?”

“To care for himself.”

“Jingyi?”

Jingyi finally glances up hesitantly to find they’re both watching him. He looks down at his lap again and pulls out the rock Hanguang-Jun had given him to turn it over a bunch in his hands. It actually helps, and he thinks he should take time to find something nice he can give to Hanguang-Jun in return to thank him. Especially since Hanguang-Jun had picked it out special and tried to find him, just to give it to him. That was really nice when he must be so busy with Lan Yuan and the Sect things he has to do. Jingyi squeezes the rock a little tighter to try to do something with the ache in his chest that feels like it’s traveling all the way down to his hands, too.

“The aunties don’t want to take care of me,” he finally mumbles. “I’m big enough to help with the babies, I can take care of myself, too! No one should have to..to have family they don’t want.”

“I instructed you to return here after you delivered the letter.”

“Lan-xiansheng doesn’t want me either,” Jingyi whispers, his feelings all ugly and dark again. He turns the rock a little bit faster. “Hanguang-Jun only wants Lan Yuan, and Zewu-Jun is the Sect Leader, everyone always says he has to have his own babies, so he doesn’t want me. If anyone wanted to have me for family they would have picked me by now! If no one wants to raise me I can raise myself! I know all the rules, and I feel bad when I break them, so I can punish myself like that, with my feelings, and the teachers can still punish me in class, so I don’t...”

He almost says that he doesn’t need the aunties, but he knows that crosses straight over into unfilial behavior and disrespecting his elders – he’s been impertinent enough tonight on top of everything else. The weight of his forthcoming punishment is already heavy on his shoulders, and every word out of his mouth is probably going to just add to it, like always. Better to stop now.

“You are not a bad child.”

Hanguang-Jun sounds just like he always does as he tells him this, and Jingyi lets it comfort him even if he thinks Hanguang-Jun doesn’t have all the facts. It’s not that he thinks Hanguang-Jun is lying, he’s not like Jingyi, he would never break a rule. But he thinks that maybe Hanguang-Jun hasn’t been paying attention –

“I wished for you to return here so that this could become your new home. Wangji is correct, you are not a bad child. But you are incorrect - you are wanted, Jingyi.”

Jingyi blinks at that and, tired as he is, finds that he can’t help but scrub away fresh tears that sting and burn at his eyes. “I am?” He looks up to meet Lan-xiansheng’s eyes and the man nods, his face as serious as ever. And if there’s anyone in Cloud Recesses besides Hanguang-Jun who would absolutely never ever lie it’s Lan-xiansheng, which means he must mean it.

Jingyi turns his head to peek up at Hanguang-Jun only to find the man already looking down at him just a little bit, just a tiny tilt of his head and a glance out of the corner of his eye. But when he catches Jingyi looking up at him he nods as well, which means he must mean it too.

“Oh.”

Jingyi tries to breathe around the way his chest feels way too small for all his feelings all of the sudden. Hanguang-Jun’s hand is still on his back and he runs it up and down a few times slowly. The sensation is grounding, calming, and Lan Jingyi doesn’t think before he huddles closer to Hanguang-Jun’s side, seeking more warmth and comfort. Hanguang-Jun has already hugged him and held his hand, it wouldn’t be too greedy to sit closer to him, would it?

“It’s late,” Lan-xiansheng says as Hanguang-Jun tucks an arm around Jingyi’s back and holds him against his side so Jingyi can hide his face in the warm, heavy, clean white silk of Hanguang-Jun’s robes. “We should not set a poor example.”

“Mn.”

Jingyi huddles closer to Hanguang-Jun and curls one hand into a fist in his trailing sleeve. He doesn’t want Hanguang-Jun to let go of him – now that he knows for sure how it feels to be hugged he’s terrified of not getting to have it again, but only Hanguang-Jun seems to be willing to do it. If he lets go now, who knows how long it’ll be before Jingyi gets to be held again? It’s not like the babies who get held any time they cry and a whole bunch even when they don’t. If he cries it doesn’t ever make a difference.

“Jingyi,” Lan-xiansheng calls and Jingyi whimpers a little on accident as he buries his face in Hanguang-Jun’s side. “You must let Hanguang-Jun go back to his own home for the night. You may see him again tomorrow.”

Jingyi chances a tiny peek up at Hanguang-Jun’s stoic face. He’s already looking down at him again, and after a long moment he reaches over with his free hand to rest heavily on top of his head. Jingyi’s eyes abruptly grow heavy and he slumps a little under the weight of Hanguang-Jun’s hand, forced to relax under the double pressure of it and the arm around his back. Hanguang-Jun doesn’t touch his ribbon, of course, but he still swipes his thumb gently back and forth across his forehead, just under where his hair stops, a few times until Jingyi is genuinely fighting to keep his eyes open.

“Go to sleep, Jingyi,” Hanguang-Jun tells him quietly. Everything he does is so quiet. Jingyi wonders if Hanguang-Jun could teach him how to be quiet like that. “I will see you tomorrow. I promise.”

A promise? Jingyi fights his losing battle against his drowsiness to open his eyes enough to check and make sure Hanguang-Jun is being serious, and of course he looks exactly the same as ever. And he doesn’t lie. He never lies. So Jingyi nods and finally releases his grip on Hanguang-Jun to get clumsily to his feet and face Lan-xiansheng.

“Come on. Get ready for bed, it’s past hai shi.”

“Goodnight Hanguang-Jun,” Jingyi remembers to say with a bow that Hanguang-Jun acknowledges with a regal nod that makes him feel…important. Like it matters that he said goodnight. Like Hanguang-Jun appreciates that he did. That’s silly, of course, but he feels it just the same and he lets it warm him down to his fingers and toes as he rummages through his little bundle of things to fish out his toys and his spare robes. He can hear quiet conversation behind him and then the low rasp of the door sliding shut, and it suddenly occurs to him that he’s alone with Lan-xiansheng again.

Without Hanguang-Jun for protection, Jingyi can’t help but worry that Lan-xiansheng is going to find something to scold him for. He scrambles to hide all his toys again in his hastily-folded robes lest he be seen as trying to play instead of getting ready to sleep, but all Lan-xiansheng does is douse all the lights save the one nearest the beds before he approaches and sits down on his own larger one in the other corner.

“You will likely find it difficult to sleep in a new place tonight,” Lan-xiansheng tells him, his voice no less stern than usual but a little quieter. It’s oddly comforting – steady and strong, unyielding as stone, but low enough that Jingyi doesn’t feel like he’s being scolded. “If you cannot sleep, wake me and I will help you.”

Wake…Lan-xiansheng? Jingyi blinks and nods since Lan-xiansheng seems to be waiting for an answer, but the idea is so ridiculous Jingyi can’t really fathom it and immediately decides that he won’t actually do it, no matter how hard it is to fall asleep. The aunties always hate it when any of the kids besides the babies wake them up, after all, and Lan-xiansheng is so important and always has to do so many things in a day; anytime Jingyi sees him he seems busy, and he’s always frustrated when he has to stop what he’s doing to carry out one of Jinyi’s punishments. He shouldn’t have to miss out on sleep just because Jingyi is afraid.

Jingyi changes quickly into one of his two spare under robes to sleep in and then, carefully positioned so that Lan-xiansheng can’t see, he digs out his toys again to line them up next to his pillow to keep him company while he sleeps. He tucks the rest of his little bundle at the foot of the bed and then clambers up into it, his knee slipping a little on the wooden frame to send him tumbling onto the mattress. He scrambles to right himself before Lan-xiansheng can scold him for being clumsy, and when he’s bundled up under the blanket pulled up to his eyes Lan-xiansheng blows out the final lamp.