#hazythoughts

A silent room, a wandering mind

Hi everyone, I highly doubt anyone will read this but anyway, let me introduce myself, I am 22, I am in a wonderful relationship that's just short of 2years and together we have a gorgeous black cat named Toothless- yes after the dragon and a terrorist of a 6 month old puppy named Calcifer - yes after the fire demon..

I have recently done somethings I regret.. I never physically cheated on my partner but I grew feeling for another guy and I got drunk one night and spilled my guts entirely, what I had said was interpreted slightly wrong by my boyfriend but he was so scared of the possibility he almost left me.

Fast forward a few days and the emotional bruises I left on him are still very visible in how he talks to me and the attention he now pours on me.

I'm sure if anyone is reading this you're thinking I'm a huge bitch for doing something like that for attention from my boyfriend but it's not that simple; I, like so many other people in the world wish life was easy but we can't always have what we wish for, right?

Just for a bit of a back story, my boyfriend and I met at the bar he works for and we fell for each other pretty quickly, which resulted in me staying over 1 night a week which turned into 3 nights which in turn turned to 5 nights until I moved in with him and we were happy and intoxicated in love and then we started to calm down and we became comfortable together.. which means less excitement less adventures less of everything we built our relationship on, and I didn't plan on this guy (who is a friend of my boyfriend) strolling into the bar on a night I was visiting my boyfriend at work... so we chatted from our pasts to our passions to freaking taxes.. I just liked the feeling. And the second I realised what I was thinking I tried to shut it down but without acting weird (fun fact: I'm the suckiest liar in the world). Soo I started to detach myself from guy #2 and it was working until my boyfriend asked me if anything was going between guy #2 and myself because he had a nightmare of coming home and finding the two of us in bed together (never happened) and I told him he had nothing to worry about, because I had my big girl pants on and was dealing with it. Some time passes and things return to normality between my boyfriend and I, and my feelings fading, until shit got out of hand AGAIN and then I couldn't take the guilt, so I told him, after he had a choice to leave or carry on working toward the life we were trying to build.. and he stayed by me because he loves me.

That is what brings me to my very roundabout way of getting to my point: I am self-destructive. And as much as I say it's my fault it's not entirely just my fault... I have been broken down by people of "power" - so to speak, my whole life from my teachers to previous partners. I have never taken anything anyone tells me lightly. I can't draw because of a teacher, I don't dance because my ballet teacher told me I had no future because I was too tall (I'm now 5'4" just saying..), I struggle to write due to the fact of ex telling me there's no future for more fantasy writers.. and the abusive back rounds of my previous relationships is no better. I have tried my whole life to leave it in the past but those blocks are now a part of who I am. And I by no means perfect internally or externally, but I'm trying to be a better version of who I am for the love of my life as well as myself and our futures.

So I've written this between waiting on tables at work so I've semi lost my plot.. but I guess I'm trying to prove that even in the worst of situations and people there is always something striving for the better part of where we are and I'm proud of the way we are all improving for a goal of the better.

This is a journey that none of us know the ending.

PS my boyfriend asked me to post his writing along with the post:

Sitting on the swing, staring into the open sea, the waves crashing like his mind- he suddenly heard a voice going ', so, are you sure this is the way you want to go?', his head tired, eyes dried the tears of pain and trials of love; he replies 'Know what?? Sometimes your skies are dark, darkest before the sun rise, brightest just before darkness falls. We all try and live in the noon shadow, sunny yet with the inevitable that dusk will come on our lives, but all wanting to see the sun rise again! It is our want to see the stars that leads us towards the death of a previous day and believing in sunrise that gives us hope that we shall live forever! Its only when we love them both that we get to live and love forever, only then can we enjoy the need to die another day... Like stars do every day', the voice replied 'so, you do not believe this to be the ending?'

"No"..

"How so?"

"If you live in love, there is no ending, so live in love if you want to live forever."

The voice went silent and replied "remain in love with all forever and your journey will be forever blissful, just like heaven!"  He fell off the swing, sand erupting into a cloud of dust and disappeared, as he fell, a smile on his face as his body made contact with the sand beneath him.

No one could understand the perfect angel wings in the sand as he fell; his love the sea, took him whole, angel and warrior and gave him a part as the roar before she, his love, the lady of the sea opened into her carrying a dress of white on blue into the forever. Finally, they where together again.