#havinganswers

At the age of 46 I was able to start piecing my disability and life together. I’ve had to start from the beginning and painstakingly work through my experiences. It was lovely speaking to mum.

Intuitively, I bring the truth to my writing, and every now and again If I’ve taken a reading to help with issues around autism and anxiety, I may check back to quantify psychic readings, where I need to. I am sensitive to other people’s energies, even if I am not physically in their presence or in touch with them.

Mum is in spirit. For those who don’t know what a psychic reading is, or what the difference is between a medium or a psychic, I shall explain.

A medium is there to give you information about people who have passed over to the other side. A medium’s job is to link you to loved ones who have passed. Mediums may occasionally give you information about spirit guides, but their primary aim is to give and pass on information about loved ones in spirit.

A psychic will pick up information about your situation, about you. Their skill is to focus on life issues, anything you may struggle with that you need help with. I was never able to speak to mum about my disability this side of life.

My psychic reading stands out because it’s the first time I’ve spoken to mum in spirit, since she passed. The reading verified mum knows everything I write about is true.

I was always aware mum instinctively knew something was wrong with me that when I tried to crawl I would fall. It’s heartening when spirit reaffirm what you know to be true. The truth is my disability needed to be addressed, I should have had the support.

We can all find understanding and become aware of what someone deals with. When anyone hears someone say what happened to you was a product of that time, yes, only if you choose to make someone a product of that time. As my story shows, when what happens isn’t challenged, what we deal with will always fall by the wayside.

When anyone thinks your disability is mild, it will be ignored and it will go underground. From the outset, I had a bad leg and a bad foot. No one gave any thought to my corresponding mental and emotional struggles, and how those would play out. In school, my mental and emotional struggles were reflected in my poor grades and those were put down to, 'oh it’s just Ilana.’

Through my book Cerebral Palsy: ‘A Story’ Finding the Calm after the Storm, I go into detail about my disability. For the first time I talk about growing up with a disability I didn’t know I had in a self-contained place in detail, so that I get to understand my disability.

The truth is there was embarrassment around my disability, worried about what other people would think; my disability was mild enough so I wouldn’t notice so there was no need to tell me; there was also no challenge because it was mild. I was to be treated normally, the same as my siblings and that is exactly what happened.

I know that without this path, I wouldn’t have written about my disability, there would be no website and there would be no ‘book.’ And whilst I have everything to be grateful for, it’s bitter-sweet, because trauma comes at a psychological cost.

To have to go through 57 years of trauma even with my accomplishments, isn't something I would have voluntarily signed up for, but it was nice to know my mum was now coming from a place of compassion, kindness and love.