#havebeenalwaysshallbe

Personal Log: She’s gone. My lady. My ship. The home I fought tooth and nail to take back, gone in a flash of antimatter and fire. David’s gone too before I got to spend a single peaceful day with my son, he was taken from me. The pain should be eating me alive, but it isn’t—and there’s only one reason for that. One reason. One man. Spock.

He’s standing in the sunset, watching as Vulcan’s sun sets beyond the horizon. Of course if he knew I was writing that, he’d point out the it was Vulcan that was moving not the sun. Or at least he’d have said that in the past. I don’t know about now. He knows my name. And it filled my chest with joy until I thought it’d burst that he KNEW me.

But he’s not all there. No one has any answers. Why would they? Sarek explained the Katra and what it meant, but returning Spock’s memories to his regenerated body after they’d spent all that time in Bone’s…that was something they weren’t prepared for.

All I can do is watch my two best friends and hope they’ll be all right. Bones is off kilter, trying so hard to be who he was before. Spock, Spock’s trying, I know he is, but every time he looks at me without a spark of recognition in those dark eyes part of me dies only to be reborn when he does see me.

It’s a waiting game, and anyone who knows me that I do not play to lose or tie. I play to win, and I will have Spock back. I don’t care if it takes the rest of my life. I need him.

I always have.

***

Jim tucked the recorder into the pocket of his tattered pants, hold-overs from his uniform. They were clean at least if not in the best shape after all they’d been through. The rest of his accoutrements were tucked in the cramped quarters he shared with Bones on the Klingon ship. None of the crew felt comfortable in the temporary housing the Vulcans had offered them. They needed someplace they could be human, and Jim was pretty sure Scotty would go nuts if he was dragged away from the piece of shit bird of prey before it flew the way he thought it should.

“Spock?” Jim said as he approached his friend. He wanted to touch him, place a hand on his shoulders, but he was afraid of dirtying the damned white robe he’d been wearing since his resurrection. Why they didn’t give him something else to wear, Jim did not know. He’d love to see him in the black outfit he’d warn when he’d first come home to Enterprise. God, he’d been beautiful in that.

“How was your day?” It was a stupid question, but Jim had no idea what else to ask. He hadn’t been this awkward with the man since he’d first taken command of Enterprise all those years ago, and he had to adjust to the Vulcan.

meme | RATING: SPOCK (TOS)  

Attractiveness:

repulsive || hideous || ugly || not attractive || unappealing || not unattractive || meh || no preference || ok || mildly attractive || nice looking || cute || adorable || attractive || pleasant on the eyes || good looking || hot || sexy || beautiful || gorgeous || hot damn || would tap that || perfect || godlike || holy fuck there are no words

Personality:

grating || irritating || frustrating || boring || confusing at best || awkward || unreasonable || psychotic || disturbing || interesting || engaging || affectionate || aggressive || ambitious || anxious || artistic || bad tempered || bossy || charismatic || appealing || unappealing || creative || courageous || dependable || unreliable || unpredictable || predictable || devious || dim || extroverted || introverted ||  egotistical || gregarious || fabulous || impulsive || intelligent || sympathetic || talkative || up beat || peaceful || calming || badass || flexible

How likely they would have sex with them:

not if they were the last person on earth and the world was ending || fuck no! || never || no way || not likely || not sure || indifferent || I’m asexual || maybe || probably || it depends || fairly likely || likely || yeah sure || yes || would tap that || hell yes || fuck yes! || wishing that could happen right now || as many times as possible || we are already having sex

Level of Friendship:

never in a million years || worst of enemies || enemies || rivals || indifferent || neutral || acquaintance || friendly toward each other || casual friends || friends || good friends || best friends || fuck buddies || bosom buddies || practically the same person || would die for them || true friends || my only friend ||

First impression of them:

I hate them so much || I don’t like them || I don’t trust them || they annoy me || they’re weird || I’m indifferent || meh || they seem alright || they’re growing on me || truce || I think I like them || I like them || I’m not sure if I trust them || I trust them || they’re cool || they’re genuine || I think we’re going to get along || I really like them || I think I’m in love || oh fuck they’re hot || I love them

Current impression of them:

I hate them so much || I don’t like them || I don’t trust them || they annoy me || they’re weird || I’m indifferent || meh || they seem alright || they’re growing on me || truce || I think I like them || I like them || I’m not sure if I trust them || I trust them || they’re cool || they’re genuine || I think we’re going to get along || I really like them || I think I’m in love || oh fuck they’re hot || I love them

How good of a kisser:

He could still feel the heat from the building even as they materialized on the transporter pad. “Spock, please tell me that equipment did not just blow up.”