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... er liebt das Leben nicht wirklich, es ist für ihn eine Aufgabe, die ihm ein unbekannter Lehrer gestellt hat und die er nicht bewältigen kann, sosehr er sich bemüht. Und er bemüht sich sehr ...
Marlen Haushofer, Die Mansarde
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Marlen Haushofer, Austrian author
The only creature in the forest that can really do right or wrong is me. And I alone can show mercy. Sometimes I wish that burden of decision-making didn't lie with me. But I am a human being, and I can only think and act like a human being. Only death will free me from that.
—The Wall, Marlen Haushofer, trans. Shaun Whiteside
Of course somebody would find me if there was no wall over there, in fact, I had to tell myself, they would surely have found me long since. I could sit quietly at home and wait. But I kept feeling compelled to do something myself to counteract that uncertainty. And I was forced to do nothing and to wait, a state that I had always particularly disliked. I had waited much too often and much too long for people or events which had never turned up, or which had turned up so late that they had ceased to mean anything to me.
On the long walk back I thought about my former life and found it unsatisfactory in all respects. I had achieved little that I had wanted, and everything I had achieved I had ceased to want. That's probably how it was for everybody else, too. It's something we never talked about, when we used to talk. I don't think I shall have the opportunity to talk to other people about it again now. So I shall have to presume it was so. Back then, walking back into my valley, it still hadn't quite dawned on me that my former life had come to a sudden end; I knew it, that is, but only in my head, so I didn't believe it. It's only when knowledge about something slowly spreads to the whole body that you truly know. I know too that I, like every living thing, will have to die some day, but my hands, my feet and my guts still don't know it, which is why death seems so unreal. Time has passed since that June day, and gradually I'm beginning to understand that I can never go back.
—The Wall, Marlen Haushofer, trans. Shaun Whiteside
I didn't give too much thought to the wall. I assumed it was a new weapon that one of the major powers had managed to keep secret; an ideal weapon, it left the earth untouched and killed only humans and animals. It would have been better, certainly, if the animals could have been spared, but that had probably been impossible. As long as they got the people, they hadn't given a thought to the animals in the course of their slaughter. Once the poison, at least I imagined a kind of poison, had ceased to be effective, it would be possible to seize the country. Judging by the peaceful appearance of the victims, they hadn't suffered; it all seemed like the most humane piece of devilry ever to have occurred to a human brain.
I had no idea how long the land would remain infertile, and assumed that once it could be entered again the wall would disappear and the victors would move in.
Today I sometimes wonder whether the experiment, if indeed that's what it was, wasn't just that little bit too successful. The victors are such a long time coming.
—The Wall, Marlen Haushofer, trans. Shaun Whiteside
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4 avril 22
463. L’expérience que vit la narratrice installe un nouveau rapport au monde : sortie du temps technique, celui mesuré par des horloges (montre perdue, réveil qui va tomber en panne), et adoption du « temps des corneilles », en accord avec les saisons. Sortie du temps aussi bien : Mais si le temps n’existe que dans ma tête, et si je suis le dernier être humain, il finira avec moi. Cette pensée me…
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3 avril 22
462. Cet impensable mur de verre métaphorise de nombreux clivages. Clivage idéologique entre bloc de l’Est et bloc de l’Ouest (le mur de Berlin, donc, érigé par Berlin (RDA) dans la nuit du 12 au 13 août 1961, qui prend d’abord la forme d’une barrière de barbelés, sépare Berlin en deux, pour juguler l’exode est-allemand vers la RFA). Le mur est celui du rideau de fer en contexte de guerre…
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Heimat
Ich wollte nicht aus meiner Heimat gehn.
Sie schien mir lange guten Schutz zu gönnen.
Dann hat auch sie mich nicht mehr bergen können.
Ich werde lebend kaum sie wiedersehn.
Doch bleibt es tröstlich, ihrer Berge Mauern
im Hintergrund von Alm und Hof zu wissen,
muss ich auch selbst den Hauch der Gipfel missen.
- Albrecht HaushoferÂ
