#haunted2

I had only written three words and was already crossing them out. I couldn’t focus. Usually writing helps ease my mind and here I was letting my emotions out on the page to the point the tip of the pen popped off and coated my hand in black ink.

Did they ever wonder about what happened to me?

Didn’t they know I volunteered? That I won? Did they even care?

Obviously not. Otherwise, they would have came looking for you.

I shut the sink off, the inside stained with a dark tint from the ink that was running down the drain. I rinsed my face down and met my own gaze in the mirror. I looked like shit. My skin seemed paler than normal, the bags around my eyes heavier which made my grey eyes seem more vibrant…

What colors were theirs?

Did I look more like him or her?

Did she and I look similar?

I tried putting eating something but only got a handful of bites in before the anxiety began twisting my stomach into a knot and I walked out of the kitchen.

Could they afford food or did they live off the streets like I did?

I needed to get out of here.

“Long time, stranger.” Mei smirked when I came into the library. I usually came in a couple of times a week, whether it was to take something out, help with this and that, or just to talk. I haven’t been by all week for the obvious reasons.

“You haven’t been sleeping lately, have you?”

“What gave that awake?” I chuckled.

“What’s keeping you up, dear?” She asked, turning from the catalogue she was sorting through.

Despite her willingness to listen to me I always felt awkward opening up to her. Now that I was thinking about it, this might actually be the first time I’ve actually came to her for...help. It didn’t make me feel any better, if anything I felt like I was being a burden, especially when I saw the look on her face when I finished telling her about what happened.

“So, yea. That’s, where I’m at right now.”

“Someone needs to teach that woman some damn manners and social skills.” She cursed under her breath with a sigh, “She just dropped that all on you and left?”

“Pretty much. I guess I’m a little-”

“-overwhelmed?”

“That’s putting it lightly.”

“Well, if nothing else, I’m glad you came to me and talked about it rather than dwelling on it all alone like that.”

“I really don’t know what to do with all this.” I shrugged.

“I think if you weren’t curious about the truth it wouldn’t be staying with you as much as it is.”

I scoffed over a slight laugh and shook my head, “Wouldn’t you be?” I said quietly.

Silence sat between us for a moment while the noise in my head grew louder as a stream of endless questions followed one after the other, “I feel like I’m going in circles with all of this.” I finally spoke.

“Then when you’re ready, you need to decide if you want to approach them or not. I can come with you if you’d like.”

“I’ll be alright, but thanks. I sort of feel like I need to do this on my own anyways.” I paused and chewed down on the inside of my cheek, “It’s not the actual, you know, putting one foot in front of the other that’s stopping me. It’s everything else that’s going to come with it: What if they’re good people? What if they’re scumbags? What if they never wanted me, they don’t know who I am and forgot I even existed?” I felt my heart begin to pound with each question I asked. It’s like hearing them spoken out loud was getting me more overwhelmed than I already was, “For all I know this information can be outdated and they could be living somewhere else or fucking dead-”

“Then you’ll have at least made the attempt to reach out to them and can begin to heal from all of this.” Mei spoke,  “And you know I’ll be here to help you every step of the way, right?”

“I know.” I forced air through my nose in an exhale, “I guess I’m just...scared, in a way.”

The word felt strange, the emotion of uncertainty, fear, hesitation. I couldn’t tell if it was the actual emotion that took me off guard or admitting that I was. I wasn’t afraid or scared living in the orphanage, on the streets, when I volunteered or while I was in the Arena, yet this of all things shook me.

“And it’s perfectly natural to be scared, especially with something like this.” She assured me, “You never know what you’re going to find. Who knows, it may have been heartbreaking for your family to leave you all those years ago.”

“Then what’s keeping them away now? It’s not like they wouldn’t know where I am at this point.”

“Maybe they’re just as unsure about how to approach you as you are them. Being a parent isn’t easy, Gattin.  Sometimes the right decisions to make aren’t always the easiest to put into practice.” There was a hint of sorrow to her words and her eyes drifted from me.

“Did you ever have kids?” I mean, you’d make a great Mom. You practically are mine after all this time.”

She smiled warmly and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, “As far as I’m concerned, you and everyone else I look out for here are my kids.”

Despite the fondness in her voice and smile I could tell I hit a sore spot I didn’t intend on. She had never mentioned kids. Whether she never had them, wanted them, or lost them in the Games I didn’t know, and I wasn’t about to start asking. I felt bad enough even bringing up the subject and didn’t mention it again.