今天收信看看ESN的活動 發現這些訊息上都寫著「最後一次」

一晃眼 已來到十二月 學校課程即將結束 聖誕假期即將到來

這幾個月來 我去了哪些地方 我的收獲有什麼 我有沒有好好珍惜在這裡的日子

也許不久後的將來 我就會想： i should have done this, done that 還是要告訴自己 在這個當下 我所做的每一件事情 都是我現在這個moment覺得最重要的 希望我不要忘記 也希望未來不要對現在的自己太苛責

So I've realised I hate the endings of things.

I don't even mean big things necessarily, although they are included, they can be tiny things. For example, I love reading books but nearly always hate the endings simply because I always want more, I want to know what happens next. A book can have an epilogue and I'll still want to know what happens after that or more about what happened.

Then there's slightly bigger endings, like when I stopped going to my dance group. I stopped but I avoided it being an ending as best I could by saying I would go back and visit, which I did do, so I avoided the 'ending' feeling.

However, some endings you can't avoid, I'm off to uni soon, which means its pretty much the end of one section of my life, from now on I'm pretty much completely independent, it is also the end of college, and sort of the end of the current group of friends, as we will drift and even though some will stay in touch it won't be the same. These endings I can't avoid, so I just try not to think about them, news flash, this doesn't really work. Instead you keep kidding yourself that things won't change but when they do you realise that by not accepting the end and saying goodbye you miss it even more, and you don't have the chance to do that ending again.

So, I find myself running from people again.

Walking downtown, as I am used to since high school, the simple existence of people around me is unspeakably annoying. It never happened like that.

Contact hurts, even with the ones I love. It’s for the sake of my friends that I am getting out of their lives. I hate endings - it’s been a long time since I finished a book I liked, I can’t stand last pages - so there will be no goodbye. One day, there was me. The next one, there wasn’t anymore. As simple as a cloud vanishing with the wind, I am giving up existence in their sky.

There is, tough, one person I owe goodbye to. He won’t even notice that I’m gone, until the day he comes looking for me, and there’s no me to find. So, I’ll talk to him some day. I’ll apologise for being such a depressed unlovable piece of shit. I’ll tell him I appreciate his love a lot, but I can’t love him back, as I can’t love anyone. I’ll tell him to move on. I’ll say that maybe one day I’ll come back, when I’m whole again, and we can be friends. I’ll hope he understands. Probably crying, I’ll walk away.

by the page 11 i was already crying