#hate compliments

I have faith in that the thoughts floating in the orbits of my mind obey laws of rationality and reason; but often this couldn't be further from the truth. But who questions the subjectivity of their reality; which seems the most tangible compared to everything else that passes us by.  Tonight, however I found myself incredibly restless. My fingers were tapping aimlessly on the keyboard, and my mind was coughing violently - as if it was allergic to my own dreamy thoughts. It was time for a litmus test on the validity of my beliefs. Most of them entangled between the fine creases of my definition of me. To challenge those beliefs, I turned to Google for answers. (Fine print: the Bible might be a better option if you are not psychodynamically stable... Ofc) “I hate compliments”: because it has always contradicted my world views. I think deep down we are all desperately trying to justify and to cement our own reality. Those whose reality disagreed with mine I dislike; for besides my friends/ family - whose compliments I would gracefully appreciate and decline (internally for I know their kind intentions) - I find their words to be like a difficult pill to swallow. I used to feel like they were all lies, but I won't deny sometimes it felt like a personal attack. On this issue. I've found self depreciating humor to be the most politically correct and socially acceptable way of conveying 'No thanks, I don't feel the same'. “I feel uglier/worse when I dress up/try”: this required repeated googling with minor tweaks to the keywords used, but yet I failed to find any website that speaks on this issue. As a kid I looked forward to the idea of dressing up (eg. for prom), but once I do, I would break down and cry. In the mirror I see the ugliest version of me, an unrepairable face and body that screams ‘save me, have mercy’. And it seemed natural that after a while, I dreaded dressing up. Now that I'm older, I understood there is value in the effort itself, and not just the end result. So be it for church, friends or family; I try to because of you. I honestly wonder, am I alone in how I feel? I’m not seeking pitiful replies, because I have learnt to live in spite of. Just wondering if my planets exist in your space too. :)

Me: oh man, look at the time, gotta go *rushes out*

I love getting compliments but I don't like bragging about myself...