#hardkill

Yeah, I know. This list is coming way too late. Still, I thought you might enjoy it.

10. After We Collided

It’s a tradition on his blog to save the #10 spot for a movie that’s “so bad it’s good”. There were a couple of contenders in 2020 but I’m going to go with After We Collided. This movie is such a wild departure from the first, it’s hysterical. I don't mean that the first was "good" and this one "bad". I mean the tone and the plot. The very first scene retcons the ending of After and demotes Hardin from “happily ever after” to living under a bridge like a troll. There are many unintentionally funny moments or structural problems with the movie that make it a laugh-riot. My only regret is that when I got my friends to watch it, we were all in different rooms and had to discuss it through video call afterward. I didn't get to hear their groans as Tessa scored the job of a lifetime, the kind that doesn't exist in real life, or the laughs when the "Jacob" of this series showed up. Its missteps scream “from the Wattpad fanfiction”. It’ll never become a cult classic unless the next movie gets even crazier but I had enough fun for me to look forward to After We Fell.

9. The Last Days of American Crime

I’m as shocked as you are to see The Last Days of American Crime as the #9 worst movie of the year. It deserves to be on the list… but this “low”? Unfortunately, yes. While this movie is boring and dumb, at least I can understand why someone green-lit it. In an alternate universe where this didn’t get 0 stars and was merely bad in an average way, I could picture it being remade or ripped off, and its descendant being good. In the meantime, this is just plain awful, a cataclysmic waste of time. Unlike #10, don't go near it.

8. The Wrong Missy

The Wrong Missy gave me essentially everything I thought it would. Even so, it’s unforgivable. This isn’t the rapiest movie on this list but that doesn't matter. It’s tired, unfunny, and phony.

7. John Henry

I was tempted to leave John Henry off the list because I didn’t think anyone would’ve seen this movie, even with the star power of Terry Crews and Ludacris. Then, I saw it for sale inside a Sunrise Records. I need to remind you of how awful this film is. Anyone with any kind of sense would turn it off minutes in and if you’re wondering, no, even with Ludacris playing a laughable flamethrower-themed villain with a piece of metal bling on his face, it’s never bad in a funny way.

6. Fantasy Island

This one had potential but Blumhouse squandered all of it. This film made money. I’m sure despite its scathing reviews, Fantasy Island is being talked about as a franchise starter by the studio executives. To them, I say please don’t. This movie can’t even keep track of its own simple rules and its “spooky revelations” are nonsense. It isn’t the least bit scary and I can’t imagine audiences will be dumb enough to hop on board another trip to this “be careful what you wished for” paradise.

5. Survive the Night & Hard Kill

I’m putting these two in the #5 spot because they’re basically twins. Two Bruce Willis-led action thrillers with zero budget, zero ingenuity, zero reasons to exist, both directed by Matt Eskandari. They prove the Die Hard star doesn’t care about anything but the paychecks he gets. These movies are born out of spreadsheets; columns of numbers that confirm a beloved action star in a movie - no matter how poorly advertised or bad - will draw a certain audience. Big box stores will sell X copies based on the name alone and no one cares about anything else. If they don’t, why should I?

4. Mulan

Unlike the other films we've discussed so far, Mulan  looks great. The special effects are convincing, the costumes are a sight to behold. So what? No one would choose this adaptation over the original Disney movie. If you’re not into animation or music, there are plenty of other adaptations that don't require you to pay $30 for Disney+ premium access. I bet none of them have a lead as uncharismatic or uninspiring as this one. I don’t know what writers Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Lauren Hynek, and Elizabeth Marin were thinking, turning an ordinary woman that used her wits to become a hero… into someone born with superpowers. You can’t relate to her, none of the side characters are interesting or memorable. It even botches the villain, who is about as threatening as a baby panda. This movie is part of not one, but two trends that I hate: “upgrading” animated films by making them live-action, and pandering to Chinese audiences - who rejected the movie anyway. Wonder how the people in the Xinjiang internment camps felt about this one?

3. Dolittle

Like Mulan , this movie had the money and the star power it needed. After ending his career as Iron Man/Tony Stark on a high note, we all wanted Robert Downey Jr. to move on to great things. Instead, he’s reaching into a dragon’s anus shoulder-deep to unclog its digestive system and then get a big fart in the face. Even before then, this movie contains enough annoying talking animals and out-of-place, would-be funny references to modern/pop culture to make it clear it’s one of the year’s worst movies.

2. Artemis Fowl

I can only imagine just how mad fans of the book were when they saw Artemis Fowl butchered like this. I’m furious and I had no attachment to it whatsoever. You can feel this plot trying to break free from the shackles Disney imposed on it and failing. It’s obvious Artemis Fowl is a villain, but he’s turned into a hero because ... ? Turning him "good" doesn't even work either. He’s a smarmy brat whose dad was kidnapped because some shadowy villain wants a shiny egg that does… something? This entire ordeal was poorly conceived; from the “giant dwarf” played by Josh Gad who unhinges his jaw so he can eat dirt and then shoot it out of his ass, to the useless secondary characters, the half-baked mythology, and the convoluted plot. I can’t believe it only lasts 95 minutes. It felt so much longer.

Runner-Ups:

The Babysitter: Killer Queen

This is a perfect example of a sequel that missed the mark so badly, it’s embarrassing. There are many other films I should’ve considered putting on my “worst of” list before this one but most of them were zero-budget movies no one saw; movies destined to be forgotten no one goes in with any expectations. I hate this movie as much as I do because the first is clever and fun. This is a desperate attempt to bring the dead back to life so clumsy you'll want to stay away from the original.

Antebellum I have to give credit to one aspect of Antebellum; whoever put together that trailer did a bang-up job. We all thought this was going to be the next Get Out. Instead, we got a movie that almost says something about… historical re-enactments? Boy was this movie contrived, and for what?

Pets United I haven’t heard anyone talk about or mention Pets United since its release. That’s great. It’s ugly, badly acted, badly animated, badly written. On the downside, it means no one knows what I’m talking about when I complain about this abomination. I can’t get over how lazy it is. During the climax, the villain’s giant mechanical spider gets a limb caught in a conveyor belt. Thankfully, it’s much too big to fit in the furnace this belt leads to. At best, the heroes will have a few moments to come up with a better plan to defeat it. Cut to them. Cut back to the spider, it’s now in the furnace, getting melted. Wow.

We Can Be Heroes I guess I’m in the minority when it comes to We Can Be Heroes. I thought it was awful. Generally, audiences seem to enjoy it, which is why there’s a sequel in the works. Am I the only one who was appalled by special effects that look like they come from a phone app? What about the performances? Are we just giving those a pass? How about that twist ending that makes no sense? Has no one else seen other superhero movies, seen how good they could be? Why are we letting this sloppy effort slide?

Love Wedding Repeat I don’t know what writer/director Dena Craig was thinking with Love Wedding Repeat. It begins as one of these generic “I’m reconnecting with the one that got away at the wrong time” and then 2/3 of the way in stops the ongoing train wreck, and restarts, showing us the “good timeline”. If you’re only going to show two results, why bother? It’s the limpest attempt at a time travel rom-com I’ve ever seen.

A Fall From Grace A Fall From Grace is the other 2020 movie I think might be worth checking if you’re into “so bad it’s good” movies. Unfortunately for you, it's been “improved” since its initial release to remove several mistakes (including bad acting from the extras, visible boom mikes, and continuity errors), which makes it “better” and therefore, less fun. There’s still plenty for you to enjoy ironically, however. My favorite aspect of the film is the ending, which makes NO SENSE. Well, unless you’re in a courtroom drama and the defense attorney is the worst lawyer who’s ever seen the light of day. It’s worth seeing just so you can hear “Ashtray, bitch!” in action.

1. 365 Days

First, there was Twilight, which might’ve had some contrived drama and dodgy performances, but served a purpose. Some might even call it good. At the very least, it tapped into a certain demographic's desires successfully. Then, someone went along and said “Yeah, but I don’t like this theme of chastity and waiting for marriage. Can they bang? Actually, can every scene be about them having sex? And instead of a vampire, could he be a deranged millionaire with a shattered past that makes him dangerous?” People cried foul, calling it sexist and unhealthy. Then, 365 Days comes along and says “Hold my beer”. Massimo Torricelli isn't a potential lover; he's a criminal. Not just a murderer; a kidnapper and a rapist! Oh, the movie doesn’t realize that’s what it’s showing us, but it is. This movie is disgusting. If you even have the misfortune of being in the same room as someone else while it plays, you’ll pray for an earthquake to open up the ground and send you straight to hell. At least two hours in a fiery inferno getting molested by demons would prove there’s a world beyond ours. The only thing this "erotic romantic drama" is good for is shrivelling your genitals.

Seems it's true, I'll watch anything with Bruce Willis in it. This movie threw in that hunk-a-burning-love Jesse Metcalfe. My reasoning was if Bruce could Die Hard for 5 movies and entertain me with each one that Hard Kill had a great chance of being watchable. Not really so. It's an ok action plot, stolen thingie that can be used for good or evil. Of course the bad guys want to weaponize it and kill everyone on earth, including themselves. There's plenty of fights and rapid gun fire. Bruce put in a bad performance, he basically phoned it in. His daughter, who made the thingie, had large puffy lips. That's the best I can say for her. Jesse was wonderful to look at and awful to realize he wasn't going to make the movie any better. The supporting cast was unknown to me and will hopefully stay that way. Ugh.

I bought this movie in the markdown bin at Walmart for a couple of dollars and will now donate it to my local library. Another unsuspecting soul can watch it and wonder who bought the darn thing in the first place.

Hard Kill probably doesn't deserve the dismal rating I'm giving it. I had to watch something new and it was getting late. I picked this movie based on its 98-minute running time and regretted my choice instantly.

“The Pardoner” (Sergio Rizzuto) has acquired a revolutionary artificial intelligence which will allow him to topple world governments and kill willy-nilly. Unfortunately, he needs Donovan Chalmers (Bruce Willis) to grant him access. With Chalmers’ daughter (Lala Kent) held hostage and an exchange scheduled, the world will be under The Pardoner’s control unless the group of mercenaries Chalmers has hired - Derek (Jesse Metcalfe), Sasha (Natalie Eva Marie), Dash (Swen Temmel), and Harrison (Jon Galanis) - can take the villain down.

The summary makes it sound like Bruce Willis is the film's star. He isn’t. The quartet of mercenaries are our protagonists. Unfortunately, none of them are even mildly interesting. I suppose Natalie Eva Marie fares best out of all of the performers, all of whom can handle the physical stunts (there aren’t a lot and none will impress) but have no charisma. 80% of the dialogue sounds like grunts uttered by someone trying to get inducted into the Brotherhood of Iron as we roll our eyes.

You don’t care about the heroes, their relationships or their feeble character arcs. The plot? Merely an excuse to have people shoot each other. The artificial intelligence could be swapped out with just about anything from nuclear codes to a Swiss bank account.

The villain? He keeps going on about how greed is ruining the world and how the MacGuffin will fix that. This belief naturally puts him at odds with the mercenaries (which is good writing) but you never buy his conviction. Maybe if he was a little bit more concerned with money he could’ve afforded actual ammunition - instead of the pellets of red dust we see fired in multiple shots - or someone to get the password for him so he wouldn’t have to put his own life in danger to retrieve it.

Directed by Matt Eskandari (also responsible for Survive the Night, which also featured a tired Bruce Willis), this movie is cheap. The mercs defend the fort while The Pardoner and his cronies try to get inside. Most of the action is set in some run-down building (Bruce Willis costs $1 million a day and they must’ve needed him for at least two so they needed to cut costs). Even as a siege thriller, this fails. You never get a good understanding of the place’s layout. We never feel any tension as the heroes’ resources dwindle. It’s a continuous stream of non-thrills.

This is a bad movie but lowest-rating-possible bad? I'll defend my choice. There is no passion on-screen. This movie does nothing new. Hard Kill has no reason to exist and contains nothing memorable whatsoever. The people who waste their time with it could’ve spent it watching ANYTHING else. There are so many good movies I haven't yet seen. Instead, I chose Hard Kill and feel lesser for it. (November 19, 2020)

First look at Hard Kill

A new trailer has been released for Hard Kill. No release date was specified.