#hardholme

- We start off the fuckery appropriately enough: with really awkward silence. Dany, Jorah, Tyrion are just standing around staring at each other. Finally, Tyrion breaks the ice and jumps into his sales pitch -- let me work for you, and I will kick some ass! Then he moves on from salesman to hype man, convincing Dany how utterly devoted Jorah is to her. But he should not remain by her side as an advisor. Geez, way to be a cockblocker, Tyrion! Dany spends the entirety of the scene doing what she does best -- look deathly bored. Though she does almost crack an emotion when she orders Jorah to be removed from the city.

- Over in King’s Landing, Septa She-Hulk offers Cersei a ladle of water in exchange for a confession. Cersei doesn’t. NO WATER FOR YOU! End scene.

- Back in Braavos, Arya has skipped over the blindness test (which would have tipped us off that she’s a warg so CAN’T HAVE THAT) and officially becomes Cat of the Canals.... er, Lana of the Canals, that is. Yeah, I dunno. Maybe D&D thought we’d get confused if Arya took her dead mother’s name, because we’re idiots and couldn’t possibly keep that straight. And so she wanders the streets with her oyster cart and comes upon that old insurance salesman guy (aka “The Thin Man”) -- TARGET LOCKED. So, she’s also skipped even further ahead to being The Ugly Little Girl (which she’s not at all, she’s quite fetching... and quite still using her REAL face). Nick Charles rips off a ship’s captain, and Arya goes back and tells Jaqen the whole story, and Jaqen explains how insurance works and that she has to go back and kill Nick Charles. Basically it’s all anti-insurance propaganda. Arya is totes excited about it.

- Back to King’s Landing. Qyburn comes to visit Cersei to tell her she will be facing a trial for fornication, incest, and killing King Robert. Yep, Cersei is even on the hook for regicide, and there’s no way that would’ve happened unless Lancel confessed to it, so why they aren’t both immediately being dragged to the chopping block is beyond me. Anyhoo, Cersei asks if anyone has heard from Jaime, and of course the answer is no. Then Qyburn tells her that Uncle Kevan is back in town, serving as Hand, and presiding over the Small Council. Also, Tommen is in a self-imposed exile out of grief. Qyburn urges Cersei to confess, and Cersei is appalled at the suggestion. So Qyburn leaves, but not without the parting line, “The work continues.” I think we all know what that means, right? Right.

- A perfect transition back to Winterhell, where Theon is delivering a hot meal to The Artist Formerly Known as Sansa, who I must say is looking quite rosy and well-put-together for a daily rape/torture victim. She coldly asks him why he sold her out. She keeps calling him Theon, so he explains in detail how he came to be Reek (in case we forgot they they dedicated a whole goddamn season to that). “Sansa” is unmoved. Actually, she’s quite pleased and says “Good.” Adding, “If I could do to you what Ramsay did to you right here, right now, I would.” Because this is a universe where an abuse victim would totally condone her abuser’s other atrocities. Say, maybe they can put this whole rape thing aside and torture Theon together! Like a little team-building exercise, hooray!! Luckily, Theon makes it easy and agrees with her and accidentally almost spills the beans about Bran and Rickon. “Sansa” gets all up in his face (like, literally, grabs his face violently) and demands he keep talking, and Theon confesses that they weren’t really Bran & Rickon. OMG DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!!! ;-P “Sansa” softens and asks if he knows where Bran and Rickon went, but he runs crying from the room.

- Meanwhile, Roose is having a war council and his whole plan is to just let Stannis freeze to death outside the castle walls, but Ramsay thinks he should make an example of Stannis and march after him and leave Stannis’s army a “feast for the crows” (HAHAHAHAHA GET IT). Ramsay insists that all he needs is “20 good men” to get the job done.

- Back in Meereen, it’s tea time with Tyrion and Dany! They have a heart-to-heart about their crappy fathers and Varys and Jorah and zzzzzzzzzzzz.... Dany finally agrees to let Tyrion advise her and gives her “spokes on a wheel” speech (woodenly, of course). Yawn. Next.

- So, now that Jorah is a free agent, he decides to rejoin the gladiators. Because he wants to “fight for her”. Okay...?

- In KL, Septa She-Hulk is still trying to milk a confession about of Cersei, but Cersei is just threatening to have her killed. So, Septa pours the water on the floor and leaves. Cersei licks the water off the floor. Oh the humility!!!! 

- Up at the Wall, Sam’s wounds from fending off Gilly’s rapists are still pretty fresh, and Gilly is tending to them. We finally kinda sorta address Gilly’s feelings about being almost-raped, but not really. Then there’s a knock at the door -- it’s our Lord & Savior Olly!!! He’s come to deliver food and his ethereal wisdom. Long story short, looks like Olly is gonna be the one to organize the mutiny against Jon. #jfc Chekhov's Gun has been officially cocked.

- Speaking of Jonnycakes, he’s rowing hard for Hardholme with Tormund Bearfucker & his homies. They meet up with the Lord of Bones (who is still alive, remember), who’s pretty dang ticked off that Tormund is “allies” with the crows. He taunts Tormund until the latter beats him to death. So, I guess he really IS dead now. So there’s that. Jon & co. have a pow-wow with the “elders” to gain their support. A sassy wilding lady gives him a hard time, and you can just feel the sexual tension!! (Or not.) Jon gives quite an inspiring locker room speech, but they don’t agree until Tormund gives his stamp of approval. 5,000 wildlings agree to leave with Jon, but Jon doesn’t think that’s enough. Meanwhile, Sassy Wilding Lady is loading her daughters(?) into a boat and telling them she’ll catch up with them later in a very Titanic-y scene. Edd bonds with a giant. Then the dogs start a-barkin’ and the mountains start a-thunderin’ -- what could it be?? Why, it’s an avalanche of White Walkers!!! Eeeeek! So, the show goes full “The Walking Dead” and all 7 hells break lose. Jon has to decide whether to escape in the boats (so that the wildlings will be let thru the Wall) or stay and help fight off the walkers. Well OF COURSE he stays, he’s the Rick Grimes in this scenario! He tries to get to his stash of dragonglass and finds himself in a showdown with a rather majestic-looking walker who beats the snot out of him. Luckily, Jon gets a hold of Longclaw, and because she’s Valyrian Steel, he’s able to defeat the walker. Hooray! Meanwhile, Sassy Wilding Lady gets eaten alive by some Children of the Damned. The giant helps Jon, Edd, and Tormund escape to a boat, and the giant himself decides he’s gonna hoof it to the Wall, thankyouverymuch. As the boat rows away, Jon is super-duper sadsies about leaving the other wildlings to fend for themselves. Then the Night’s King steps out onto the dock and has a weird stare-down with Jon. Then he raises his arms Scott Stapp-style, and all the wildlings they just killed rise from the dead, including Sassy Wildling Lady. Oh poopie! Jon continues to stare in bewilderment, and thus the episode ends as it began -- with an awkward silence.