#hardchoices

Okay, so.  Bit of an update first.

So this past week I followed up on the job interview thing, and they set me up for an interview on Saturday.  Writing this on Sunday morning, btw.  Anyway.  So I was feeling hopeful, it got me through this past week of training at the work-at-home job, the thought I could get out of this situation and get a job that paid better.  It literally got me through.  But I did the training, bearing in mind that the job interview may not end up in a job.  *Think ahead, kids.  Don’t assume something is a done deal until you have signed paperwork in hand.  I’m serious.*  

Went to the interview yesterday, felt pretty good about the whole thing, the two ladies who did the interview were nice.  I was honest -- I don’t know how to be any way other than honest.  I would prefer daytime work but could do evenings, could work any days of the week, wanted full time.  Thought things were going pretty well.  Then they took me in to speak to the store manager.  

I asked for $15 on my application.  *The job on offer pays $11.25 / hr, less than what I’m making right now.*  

So I said no.  

If I can’t live on what I’m making right now, damn straight I can’t live on less.  

So I came home.  And I’m truly back to square one.  I’ve got OJT for the work-at-home job this week.  For a job I don’t want because I can’t handle talking on the phone.  Because of my Autism.  

I want so badly to quit anyway.  I don’t think I can put in words here how much I dread this job coming up.  Yay Alexithymia.  I feel like my chest has been hollowed out.  But it could just be physical hunger, I haven’t eaten much since yesterday.  And it’s cold in here so I’m shaking.  So who knows.  

Autopay on my electric bill failed this past week since there wasn’t enough in my bank account.  I had thought this past Friday was payday and it wasn’t, so it’s this coming Friday and I had to do something dishonorable to find some money for groceries.  So I’ll be doing that today sometime.  

And for a truly dark and uncharacteristically racist thought, I’m fairly certain that the state of TN doesn’t approve food stamps for single white people with jobs precisely because we are single white people with jobs.  If one is the opposite of that it seems to be a foregone conclusion.  I guess we don’t need to eat?  I have been trying that lately, but not voluntarily.  

Feel free to unfollow me for this.  It’s not my normal mindset.  But as you will.  Pretty sure no one is reading this anyway.

So I spent several hours last night tossing and turning in bed trying to sleep (”I’ve got to sleep, I’ve got to sleep, *I’ve got to sleep*) and finally kicked my ass off the hamster wheel and tried to think.  What can I do, what positive steps can I take now?  I’m going to be under more stress, I’m going to need to take care of myself more, and I have no money to do so.  The anxiety is going to be worse, how can I deal with that without asking for anxiety meds from the doctor?  I’ve got Genji’s yearly shots coming up last of January, how am I going to pay for that?  And don’t give up on trying to get a better job.  

(Momentary pause for brief bout of nausea and crying.)

Statistics say that 85% of autistic adults are unemployed.  

If I fail to keep a job, I will lose everything I have.  The house I built.  I’d have to give Genji up.  I’d have to sell or throw away almost everything I own.  I would be at best living in my car.  A 15 year old Honda hatchback.  How long would that last, I wonder?  I would be homeless and begging on the street.  I am not catastrophizing.  This is what would happen.  

My Lord Ravenwing,

I write you this evening still filthy from a day’s work and heavy of heart for this solemn news.  The Lady Acasia has implicated members of my sister’s house in a duplicitous coupe for her attention.  Regardless of the veracity of these claims, she is no longer comfortable with the classic-arrangement of our budding courtship.  I gather from a quite-difficult letter penned by her hand that it is her wish to seek the proximal comforts of physical companionship among the flesh on offer amidst my sister’s things.  I have -in this short season- come to regard your judgement for quality standards.  Therefore I assure you that through the course of this courtship, I have kept my word to you and will keep it still in prudence and respect.

Per the promise I made to you, I have returned her to your care, unassailed and with heart intact.  For by her admission she seeks after better company.  I am not her Lord, that I should forbid her - verily I say to you that I am Lord of none and only a master of one.

Therefore, I have chosen to accept her proposal and make my way in your midst as I had intended before this entangling began a gilded face and nothing more.  I have written her to confront these notions with as much clarity as I can master from myself.  Therefore please forgive me any vagary and ask not after clarity. for her confidence is still mine to keep.

Thus, I duly confess to having managed myself with fairness and respect in regards to your sister and her company.  I have carried myself in observation of the old-ways, nigh irreproachable and gentlemanly in demeanor until this very hour.  Nevertheless, if there is reason to insist upon the finding of fault in my way - I will not require the searching just to find.  I am no stranger to consequences and you are -for all your true greatness- still a man.  A better man perhaps, though still a man and subject to such things as men are.  So believe me my Lord when I tell you that I know my place and you are wise to put me from your mind, for I am beneath you like the boards at your feet.  Lest you make some reason to elevate me I would surely fade, only mistaken for dross against the sterling reputation of your House and Lordship.

Farewell my Lord and may only that which is good come unto you and always.

Your Humble Servant, Rhys Valtieri