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Rob’s dad gave everyone in the family a copy of his memoir today, not only does it Detail how the clan will be left to Rob but that Rob’d own grandfather planned to give the clan to Benjamin who while yea is rob’s cousin but is also a Macdonald a clan that famously hated the Macleod’s wasn’t it then who burnt a church of them centuries ago or something?
But the Audacity to give up YOUR clan to another clan’s heir because your own grandson is gay is horrendous I’m sorry
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Im over here giggling so hard thinking about Vale's monster form. You guys are not ready
I don't think I understood the whole thing about people yearning for their exes until I had my most recent ex.
My first ex I went totally off after we broke up, and while he's a nice enough guy who I could be friends with, in theory - if stuff wasn't so awkward as I can see he now is with me - I no longer saw what I used to see in him. Any appeal evaporated so quickly with how sour it all went and then the many faults as a partner were glaring.
My second ex things got left better with, still kinda friends but more occasional ones than as close as we once were. Going from effectively best friends to much less than that has always been the most painful part of a breakup for me. I think even though we broke up, we both came out of the relationship better for it. I can see our growth and it makes me pleased for who we both became after. I know we're both in a better place now, she seems happier (and both polyam now, lol what a surprise after we used to talk crushes together) and that's just really nice to realize.
But my latest ex, it's been well over a year and a half and it still hurts and makes me wish things were different. I know we're incompatible on several levels (me polyam and him not being entirely okay with it, me only wanting to adopt, if that, and him possibly wanting his own kids + not with me if I'm still polyam, different attitudes on sex and sex drives). I know we made each other unhappy probably as much as we made each other happy, kinda cancelling it all out, but sometimes I still just wish we could be together. We remained very good friends but didn't get enough distance probably for it to count as properly separating and so distance now due to the pandemic is extra painful but possibly overdue. I just wanna turn the caring off but I don't know how to. I thought after a year or more it would be easier but it isn't.
I also keep wondering about joining an ace dating site but during a pandemic seems a bad time to try that? Also dating as demiromantic (or maybe greyromantic? Something not quite how people expect re romance) is extra hard unless people are gonna be okay with maybe finding new friends as the alternative if that angle never develops. So I guess I'm a bit scared to try again and not sure if it's worth it when I do have one partner still. No clue what percentage of ace people are okay with polyam either. But I think I would like more love in my life in some way, whether that's romantic or queerplatonic. It would be nice to actually find friends and/or partners to be domestic with because I love sharing that kind of caring with people and I think maybe that's what's been lacking for me.
I found a book Mhairi would be interested in, well two of them
Fucking Rob and Mhairi complaining about back pain
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Agnetha was 12 in 1969 when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, I found an old Cam-recording of her sat watching the TV.
I remember her telling me how she would love to see a woman go to the moon, I do too,
I can see it in her eyes, the amazement that childhood sparkle, I think after that she said she wanted to be an astronaut
Things are not so good at the moment. I've still been struggling with my mental health this last week, social anxiety mostly, thinking I'm boring/annoying/saying the wrong thing. I can't shake the brain weasels telling me bad things about myself and I slept so terribly last night in particular, had a lot of dreams lately that are like horror movies that I'm in. It's extra disappointing because a few weeks ago I had really good sleep for a week and now it's gone away and gotten much worse again.
Had to cancel one social event today in favour of being more functional for a funeral tomorrow that I've had to accept taking taxis to get to is the best approach. I hate the expense and I'm being entirely supported by a partner right now so it's spending not my money which makes me feel guilty and it's so hard to get out of the mindset of shouldn't spend money at times. But I was told to taxi and am not gonna argue because it is sensible.
And then the Physicist walked into my room this lunchtime and was like 'yeah, you got a butterfly rash'. I don't think I've actually had one other people noticed before, just the precursor of sunburny like discomfort, and is disconcerting because I'm on meds. Getting a bit better now generally I think though it's still highly variable day to day and not been long enough to be sure exactly how it will go. The answer is probably just monthly flare up due to hormones but it's crappy timing and we have a guest, and I don't even like crying in front of people I know. So I feel sad and have no outlet because I don't want to weird out someone I don't know whose visiting. And this is just an overly emotional rambling I know.
Living my gay little dream of growing my own herbs
