#hamilberg

He didn’t think he would feel the loss so starkly. His eyes are searching for him next year among the drivers in the paddock and he frowns when he catches sight of Esteban Gutierrez divvied up in his racing gear. Even the fans seem to feel the loss acutely, mirroring the concerns of their favorite drivers.

“It’s not just him,” Sebastian Vettel gives him the ghost of a smile, God knows out of everyone he’s most affected by Kimi leaving. Lewis keeps that thought to himself, a wise choice he pats himself on the back for later. “It’s only the beginning.” He says, eyes straying to their competitors, their brothers in arms.

Lewis finds himself glancing at Jenson and Felipe talking avidly with little Felipinho, to Fernando in a corner talking to Andrea about the specs, and finally to Sebastian himself who looks older suddenly than his thirty years. How long before he retires?

He chuckles when he’s all alone, staring up at the ceiling of his hotel room browsing his contacts for a casual drinking buddy. When he’s old and grey and his fingers begin to shake, he’ll consider managing a team instead of driving probably. His absent minded scrolling leads him to the Rs section and he’s about to tap on the contact of Vanessa Redgrave (who he’s been meaning to have a drink with for months really) when his eyes are drawn to the familiar initials of Nico Rosberg.

He briefly considers calling before coming to his senses and tossing the phone over to the couch, failing horribly and ending up cracking his screen protector in the process. He mulls over when his life became like this, becoming broody and moody and so dramatic when faced with his ex-best friend (and previous more than friend, but that was a thought for another rainy day in another ransacked hotel room less luxurious than what he can afford now).

And that, of course, is when Nickelback starts to sound from the speakers he brought with him (Bose, of course) just in case he forgot that the life he was living was an actual B-list romcom.

My best friend gave me the best advice and not a given right.

Eventually, he falls asleep to the sound of Chad Kroeger screaming at him to make things right and trying desperately not to cry.

He’s gotten good at putting up walls, but it’s still not enough to stop his heart from breaking when the unthinkable finally happens.

“I’m leaving” Nico tells him one day, casually as if they were talking about the weather. Lewis is so detached from him that he doesn’t recognize the tinge of sadness in his ocean blue eyes (because God knows it’s been ages since he’s looked Nico in the eye knowing all his walls would come crumbling down rather miraculously). He replies nonchalantly, pulling off his balaclava and congratulating the passing engineers for a job well done so he can have something to do with his hands anything to keep them from the man standing inches away from him. Somewhere out there God is laughing at chronic inability to handle his feelings. Emotionally stunted, he hears a quiet voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Nico.

“Lewis” Nico’s voice calls out to him, pulling him free from his clandestine train of thought so abruptly Lewis almost audibly sighs in relief. That is, before his breath is stolen straight from his lungs. “I’m leaving Formula One.”

The weight in Lewis’ chest doubles so fast he’s clutching the nearest table to keep himself upright. “What?” the question is so soft even Nico looks surprised at the outward display of weakness, giving Lewis enough time to call his walls back up. “Is this, next year? You’re- you’re leaving?” Lewis says, not quite sure what to say. Not quite sure how to make Nico stay.

“Pascal is taking over my seat this June.” Nico admits sheepishly, this time it’s he who doesn’t want to look Lewis in the eye and Lewis is desperate to stare into his before relearning how to live without them. “I need a break from this, a break from-” Nico’s voice dies out but the unspoken is clear. I need a break from you.

Lewis nods because that seems to be all he’s capable of doing right now sans breaking down. “Just- for how long?” he asks, staring lifelessly at the wall with Nico’s name emblazoned on it right where it belongs. Where he belongs.

Nico sighs. “I don’t know.”

Lewis tries not to choke on a sob, he really tries. It’s a near thing, a soft whimper escapes him but thankfully Nico doesn’t notice. He’s not the only one blocking out his feelings here and Lewis takes masochistic/sadistic/cruel comfort in that. “I’ll make sure he keeps your seat warm for you.”

Nico lets out a pained laugh of his own. “It’s not forever.”

Lewis nods again, back to not looking Nico in the eye. He’s already seen what he needed to see. No one points out to them that their eyes are both watery with their fingers knotted together between them.

It’s not forever, Lewis chuckles at how child-like Nico sounds in that moment, bare and vulnerable in front of his ex-lover (might as well admit it).

Listening to Chad Kroeger crooning about being lost without you and there’s nothing I can do he can’t help but feel like he has lost Nico forever.

It’s slightly chilly in Austria in June and Pascal is brimming with excitement next to him but he does the same thing he did months earlier when he realized Kimi was well and truly gone. The loss he feels in his heart is akin to losing a lung. It’s Sebastian who catches him before he falls to his knees.

“It’s not just him,” he says again, sad that he’s been proven right. “It’s only-”

“The beginning.” Lewis finishes, brushing himself off and waving Pascal away to ready himself for the race. “It’s only the beginning.” He mutters to himself, ignores the stares he’s been getting from Jenson Button. He’s next, he knows. Eventually, he’ll be gone too. And so will Massa, and Alonso. And eventually (after his 8th World Title, because he’s a little shit who refuses to be outdone) Sebastian.

Lewis races on. He races until he goes bald and wrinkly and his fingers start shaking on the steering wheel. He races until they replace him with Pascal and he’s made to be the second man exactly like Ferrari did to Räikkönen, until he’s made to be a Team Manager like Lauda before him.

He races until the end because it’s all he has. Because Nico promised.

It’s not forever.

He should have known, he blinks back tears as he whispers instructions into Pascal’s ear. He watches the boy (now a man) become a Champion.