#hahaha!!!!!

idk what i did to make my dad despise me. ive grown up my entire life trying to pin point every interaction ive had with my dad for as long as i can remember to see what was the moment that caused him to behave this way with me. i dont think ill ever find it. he has so much resentment. i am revolting to him. the only time he shows me "affection" or tries to get to know me is when he's drunk. i do my best to make him not know that he has this power over me and that what he says to me really does affect me. but every time he sees me crack it brings him joy. he pushes even harder. i still remember the things he did to me and said to me when i was younger. i still remember it like it was yesterday. and yet i still can never hate him for that. im just so sad that he feels this way about me. i do so much to make him proud and so much to make him recognize me as the intelligent and strong daughter he has but all i am to him is a punching bag. i am so envious of people who have strong bonds with their dad because after 22 years i have come to terms that i will never have that. i walk on eggshells when he's around and yet i am still a disappointment to him and a disturbance.