#haha shit

“You’re fucking Mother Teresa,” she curses in Hindi. 

He replies back fluently, “I don’t fuck older women, Natasha.” He earns his first sort-of smile from the assassin. Which is something big, he likes to think. She hadn’t smiled at him until now.

Natasha likes to watch shitty TV shows, plus X-Files. Bruce kind of has a thing for Scully and a thing for Mulder’s weird as hell theories, so he watches it with her. Natasha makes comments under her breath about Mulder or Scully, and they eventually work up to making sassy commentary out loud. It’s easy, and Bruce finds that he actually enjoys Natasha’s company. But he thinks that she realizes it too, so she goes back to being cold and stony. Bruce is fine with it, because he knows that he isn’t the kind of person people should get along with. Not when he can destroy lives in a millisecond, not when there’s a monstrous personality behind a seemingly calm exterior. Betty has already made her peace with him, and she’s moved on. He can’t say that it doesn’t hurt; he was a pinch away from going into sad-Hulk stage, but barely managed to keep him contained.

Bruce nearly Hulks out in a crowded London. All because of Ross being on his ass and shooting down stores. A kid gets shot in the leg, bright crimson gushing out like paint onto a sidewalk canvas. Bruce can’t stand it, can’t stand the screaming and the mother rushing to help only to get injured again. His skin is tinging green, he’s growing. Nat—Agent Romanoff—grips him by the shoulders, fear bleeding through the cracks in her eyes. “Bruce,” she whispers softly, as if she cares. He can’t help but believe, for a moment, that the spy does. “You can’t hurt all these people around you. Let SHIELD take care of it.” He doesn’t want to let SHIELD take care of it. I can take care of stupid Ross, I can smash him to bits! But he manages to calm down. Manages to force back tears and leave with her.

General Ross gets a standing ovation for trying to contain a threat. After all, civilian casualties happen, don’t they? Natasha silently flips back on an episode where Scully kicks ass (which means Bruce doesn’t know which episode, because she kicks ass in every episode) and makes a wry comment about the really bad special effects. He cracks a broken joke about Mulder and computers. Bruce thinks Natasha understands him a little more.

SHIELD wants him on a mission with Agent Romanoff to get information on something dealing with old KGB lines being in action. Bruce doesn’t really understand. He only understands that he needs a suit and Natasha needs a dress, so they go to a store. A special store that technically isn’t a store but an old SHIELD storage space. Bruce finds a suit that fits him well, a charcoal gray suit with a nice shirt and tie. Natasha goes for a Gatsby feel, and Bruce can’t deny she looks gorgeous. Of course, she has to know this, but Bruce compliments her anyway. 

“You look ready to stab someone,” he blurts out, seeing her put a knife up her dress. (He can’t deny seeing a woman as dangerous as her does something to him.) She smirks, slipping earrings that probably have poison in the jewels or something similar into her ears.

“That’s the point, Bruce.” It’s the first time she’s actually called him by his first name. “Your name is Lukas, my name is Ella. Just stick with that. Also, we’re looking to buy area around here.” Bruce nods, settling on some vintage cufflinks that he feels add to the Gatsby theme they have going on here. Well, that Natasha has going on. Bruce just feels like an awkward date that is only here because she needs a date. He hasn’t gone to any dance since his first homecoming, and that had been a complete disaster. (Two words: Brace. Face.)

The party is extravagant. Bruce can practically feel himself stuffing a twenty dollar bill down his throat as he sips on golden champagne. He knows he shouldn’t, but Natasha says only one glass. It helps sell the part. Lukas and Ella are a couple. She always stays close, smiling at other men. He nods at other women who give him coy glances, disappointed when they see Nat—Ella on his arm. She’s the most beautiful woman out there, and everyone knows it.

Bruce finds Natasha to be most beautiful when her scarlet lips give way to a deadly smirk as she throws her knife with excellent precision. Bruce doesn’t really know what to do, so he sits at the bar and sips on some water. A few frozen, horrified people stand her, watching this woman fight. “And it’s all in five inch heels,” Bruce says casually. “Can you believe my fiancée?” It’s casual enough to make people just stare at him. Bruce shrugs, and Natasha flashes him a wink and says “aw, thanks honey!” Bruce nearly laughs, but instead smiles while drinking his water. Natasha Romanoff is one cool lady.

Bruce finds they play the part of suburban-deadly-couple quite nicely. Once Natasha is done, they drive home to the apartment that SHIELD has them at. Natasha changes out of the gown into an oversized shirt that advertises an eating competition that Barton probably participated in, and some old shorts. Bruce gets out of his tux and into lounge pants and a t-shirt that he’d stolen picked up from an archaeology museum somewhere in South Dakota. Natasha just stares at him for a moment, then grabs the car keys. 

“We’re gonna get food in our pajamas.” Bruce just rolls with it; despite the embarrassment that will be received, he decides to go along with it; it’s not like Natasha is going to be complacent with his decision. Besides, he thinks he deserves a little fast food, and she knows that he doesn’t eat meat anyway.

They go to a gas station and Natasha gets two hotdogs, both for her. One is loaded with mustard, relish, ketchup, and onions. The other has nothing on it. She eats the plain one first. Bruce is content with his slushie, which consists of strawberry and white cherry. They sit in the car, windows up and low music playing. “What do you watch for fun?” Natasha asks first, chomping down the last bit of her plain dog. “Like, on TV.”

“I don’t really watch anything besides X-Files,” Bruce says. “Don’t really have time on the run.”

“Aw bullshit,” Natasha cracks, face still solemn as a mausoleum. “When Barton and I were in Budapest, he managed to fit season two of Dog Cops into his schedule. There has to be something you like.” Bruce shrugs, thinking.

“If it’s on, Creature from the Black Lagoon. An old classic.” Natasha snorts, rolling her eyes.

“That is the shittiest movie on the planet except for—”

“Plan 9 from Outer Space.” They both say it at the same time, and then Bruce looks at her calmly. “Well, this settles it. We have to see it now.” Which means they have to find a DVD of it. This also means that Natasha calls in about six favors to get it delivered in less than two hours.

They’re practically dying within the first ten minutes because holy hell, the movie is just terrible. After that, Bruce and Natasha become better friends. He learns that she likes preparing food when she has time, and he likes going to museums. She teases him about it, and he teases her about it. Says with all her knife-throwing skills, she could either work in the circus or go on TV and be the next Julia Child. Natasha says she could be way better than some chef who enjoys French cooking. “The French aren’t even that good at cooking,” Natasha says with a sniff. “They just have deceptively small portions.”

It can’t last forever, they both know that. The Avengers Initiative comes up, and they have to pretend like they don’t know each other. She’s cold, distant again. Natasha has realized that being friends is dangerous. So does Bruce. Besides, why would someone like her want to be friends with someone like him? Bruce was antisocial, watched old movies, and decided ultimately that cardigans were way better than suit jackets. There was also the fact that he turns into a giant monster who can kill a person in less than five minutes.

The only good thing that comes out of it is the fact that Tony Stark actually treats him like a human being outright, and not like a porcelain gun. Aka, dangerously fragile. He pretends like he and Natasha have never talked about shitty movies. He even calls her Agent Romanoff and she calls him Dr. Banner. Not Dr. B, not Bruce, and definitely not Bannerino. (There was Tequila Night. They’d always have Tequila Night.) Tony distracts him with Science and a pep talk about the Other Guy. Because apparently, Hulk is The Shit. Hulk likes hearing that, and then pronounces Tony “New Best Friend for Life.”

Of course then Loki attacks and Bruce shifts. He looks at Natasha with so much hurt, because dear God, he promised he wouldn’t. Not to her. But here Hulk is anyway, ready to fuck up his entire life. As usual. Hulk goes on a rampage somewhere random. Bruce doesn’t have the energy to try and see where Hulk wants to go. He just sort of lets him. It confuses Hulk, the way Bruce just completely lets go of control. So he crashes through a building and waits. Waits for Dr. Banner to come to and realize what to do, because Hulk sure as hell didn’t know what was going on. He wanted to find Red Hair, who wasn’t anywhere in sight.

Bruce gets on an old jumpsuit and jumps on a motorcycle to go fight crime. It all sounds like it’s from a cheesy B-flick. Bruce sort of gives a laugh at that. He stares at Natasha, who manages to look beautiful even in the heat of a battle. (It is at this precise moment that Bruce realizes he may or may not like Natasha and it’s not just because her hair always smells like cinnamon and she laughs at honestly, seriously shitty science puns, or when the sunlight hits her hair and she could make an eating competition shirt look good.) They exchange words, and Bruce accepts the fact that Hulk is going to do some serious damage. So he lets him come. “Do your worst,” he mutters, watching emerald green shift. He doesn’t look back at Natasha. Too sentimental for a girl like her.

After the initial first battle, Natasha acts like she’s never known anything about him. Acts like she hasn’t seen the scars that mar his back and stomach, and she definitely acts like he never told her anything personal. He supposes that that’s just going to be how it is with her. 

So he tries to forget that he may or may not be in love with her and focus on Science, because Science makes literally anything better. He collects tea samples and goes exploring all over the city with Steve and introduces new cultures to Thor. He and Clint have some of the same humor, and he can always surprise Tony as much as Tony surprises him. Bruce is nice, civil to Natasha. She avoids him.

When Hydra rose up in SHIELD’s ranks, (what the fuck? Seriously?) Bruce knows well enough to lay low. Can’t have the Hulk get bullets bouncing off his skin, even if they tell him Agent Romanoff and Captain Rogers went rogue. Bruce, for one, knows that is a bald-faced lie. But he lays low, but he still texts Natasha. Hope you are safe. Don’t die. He doesn’t expect her to see it, doesn’t expect her to do anything with it. They aren’t exactly friends anymore, he thinks. But then again, it’s Natasha. One of the greatest things about the spy is that you never know what she’ll do. What she’ll act like. It’s also one of the worst things about her. She can stay one night, smile up at you, and call you a cheesy dork who has hair like curly fries, and the next morning she’s gone for a week and acts as if you shouldn’t be worried.

She calls him, and it’s silent. No gunfire. “What do you want to talk about?” Bruce asks calmly, and he hates himself a little more, that he can just forgive her like that. Love, stupid. He hushes that side up. There’s not a need for that thought to come out when no one could love such a colossal fuck-up.

“Don’t go anywhere. Don’t do anything. Just stay safe in Stark Tower, alright Bruce?” Her voice is blank, emotionless. She hangs up before Bruce can answer. He sighs at her stupidity, knowing that she knows more than he does. So he stays in the lab, arming himself with the knowledge that there’s not much Hydra can do to him. Tony, Pepper, and Rhodey eventually come down to the lab and say that they need to get to a safe house, because there’s a storm coming that could result in death. Bruce nearly laughs, because they’ve been over it. The Other Guy spit it out. He’s itching to help Natasha, even if it is just to talk. He knows she probably has it handled, what with Steve and a new guy taking Hydra down. So he waits. Because maybe she’ll come back. She has shown that she cares.

Three helicarriers fall to the ocean or on buildings. It brought Hydra down, and the people probably don’t even know that. Bruce walks right out, not even caring if Ross is there for political reasons. He needs to make sure Natasha is alright. He saw the footage of the Winter Soldier. His arm is…breathtaking. Even if he doesn’t work in engineering like Tony does, he knows that hasn’t been a possibility for a prosthetic. It acts almost like a real arm, except for the part where it can rip car doors off like they’re pieces of paper. Tony has already gotten footage and is trying to figure out how it works.

Natasha is in a medical wing, getting medical care. Most agents don’t even bat an eye as he walks in. He’s still wearing a lab coat and glasses, and they just assume he’s medical help. Bruce thinks Natasha still looks beautiful. Her eyes are wide with disbelief at the situation, and she’s trying to process the information. “Natasha,” he whispers, and her head snaps up. She looks at him with…relief. “You’re safe,” he says, swallowing what appears to be a sob.

“So are you,” Natasha says, not a hint of relief in her voice. But Bruce knows it’s there. “I get to receive new covers. What do you think of Dana Anderson? Or Gillian Scully?”

“Both, both is good,” Bruce says dryly. Natasha gives him a small smile. “Finally got around to watching Road to El Dorado. It didn’t disappoint, Natasha.” For now, Bruce won’t mention the attacks, the accusations, or the fact that she dumped every piece of information out on the internet for everyone to see. Tony’s cleaning up as much as he can, but there’s a load of information that will always be in the public spot. Mainly, Tony is focusing on personal details of his friends, Agent Hill, and Agent Coulson. Interestingly enough, there are little details on Fury besides something you could find with a basic hack. It feels bitter.

They talk for a while, and both deliberately avoid talking about the recent events. Until Natasha gets to staring at something that looks like it’s a thousand yards away. So Bruce carefully starts talking about a scientific advancement, waiting for Natasha to get out of her stare. She slowly stares back at him, more emotion in her eyes than he thought possible. “Bruce?” She sounds so…broken. She sounds like him. He looks at her, smiling sadly. “I…I knew him. Winter Soldier.” She sobs as he takes her, holding her. Bruce doesn’t say anything as she tells him about her first love. How she might still love him, even though he tried to kill her. Bruce doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even think about how he loves her more than anyone else in the world. He just holds her.

Of course, Natasha builds back up her emotional wall, tears being dried up and her face becoming solemn. “Thank you, Bruce.” He smiles, and he doesn’t know what she’s thinking of right now, but he has the feeling that she needs to be alone. No one to coddle her, tell her what emotions are right and wrong to feel.

“Call me if you need anything like food or shelter, alright Tasha?” He doesn’t mean to call her that stupid nickname that he thinks about. He thinks Tasha fits her, but maybe she doesn’t like nicknames.

Her eyes spark like electricity at the nickname. “Alright Bruce. Thanks.” At least he knows the nickname is accepted. So he doesn’t have to worry about being killed by Black Widow tonight. Or being killed by Natasha.

They text often. Natasha sends him funny pictures of cats and dogs, and he sends back truly terrible puns. They talk about his work, some of her work. She calls him with emotions catching her throat and just talks. About how Steve keeps searching for Winter Soldier, who is Bucky Barnes, un-fucking-believable, and the new guy, Sam Wilson. Bruce gets the feeling he’s not supposed to hear this, but he still listens. He doesn’t ask her to justify her thoughts, he doesn’t ask her if it’s classified. He lets her talk. Bruce and Natasha go out sometimes, on walks. He drives to a secluded forest, and they hike. She brings granola bars that have dark chocolate and raspberries in them, and Bruce brings tea and water. Sometimes, they sit at the bank of a little river on the rocks, just talking about life. Bruce tells her all about Betty, how he thought that he loved her because she accepted the Hulk as an aspect of Bruce, not the whole story. How Ross is a piece of shit. Natasha sometimes reveals times in her life when things weren’t fucked up all the way. How she used to buy little penny flowers as a child, how her mother used to sing to her and Natasha would dance like a ballerina.

Eventually, they sort of have a thing. Natasha and Bruce always act like they’re in those shitty B-flick cop movies. “My friend left me,” Natasha says, using a chopstick as a long cigarette, puffing out imaginary smoke. “Not sure where his head is at, he’s so down about himself.” Bruce is in a shitty mood about himself.

“Well that sounds terrible,” he says dryly, using a beaker of hydrochloric acid as a flute of champagne that he doesn’t drink. “What would you do to cheer him up?” She grins victoriously, holding up her phone.

“Lots of mozzarella sticks.”

They eat at an Applebee’s. There are sports games going on, and Bruce doesn’t really understand a lot of sports, but he likes looking at men and women yell at the TV. Natasha does too. She sips on her wine, and Bruce gets some sort of fruity tea. It tastes alright. They flirt the night away, Natasha going for more daring lines. Bruce just looks at her. And realizes that he’s fallen hard, and he’s still falling. There will always be cold concrete at the bottom, but for now, Bruce will continue to fall.

When Tony has his party and they’re all laughing, and Natasha and Bruce still flirt. Steve tells Bruce not to waste his time, go after the girl. Bruce wants to laugh in his face and say that he’s already done that. It’s not the worst thing you can do in life. But God, it can be.

Ultron probably caused all of this. Seriously, it sucks. Ultron was Tony’s original brainchild for scientific development and protection of the whole world. Tony won’t tell Bruce what he saw, only Bruce thinks it was something that had to do with space. Because he comes out at the party, all strings and power. Bruce can safely say he has almost never seen anything more bone chilling. And, of course, Bruce helped create some of it.

This means Bruce’s self-esteem (what self-esteem?) goes down by a lot of points, which Bruce didn’t even know it could do because by now it’s all negative, and Natasha won’t look at him either, suffering a dream of her own. (It could be a memory.) Their team is broken. Bruce is huddled with a blanket and they need to go somewhere. Barton is flying the jet, the only one unaffected by whatever shitstorm the weird girl decided to pull. He’s the only one. Thor keeps muttering phrases, obviously coming to terms with his dream. Tony just stares at his hands, then looks brokenly at Steve. Natasha is tight-lipped about her situation, but she’s battle-ready.

It’s a house. Out in the middle of nowhere in the Midwest. It’s a well-maintained house, yet worn. It’s all alone, a pile of chopped firewood set neatly to the side. Clint’s shoulders drop, and so do Natasha’s. So, they know what this is.

Clint has children and a wife. Bruce is somewhat bitter over this fact, that a former mercenary and assassin has children and a wife, plus a dog. Named Lucky. Natasha colors with the kids, teasing them as they call her “Auntie Nat.” Cooper Barton is all smarts, Clint joking that he got none of it from his old man. Bruce smiles as Cooper asks upfront about Hulk’s pants. Bruce says that Tony invented a polymer, and then carefully directs Cooper more towards Tony. Bruce should not be the one handling children. He’s bad with social interaction and kids; most are afraid of him. Cooper, Lila, and Clint’s wife all look at Bruce as if he’s just a person. Only Tony does that, and sometimes Natasha if she’s just hanging out with Bruce as they go to Target and make fun of children’s toys and off-brand food.

He and Natasha have a talk. She looks so domestic in the bathrobe. She wanted to join him in the shower. He can’t give her children. She can’t bear them. Both don’t mind. He falls asleep to the scent of lilac shampoo and the sound of soft breathing. It’s nothing he’s ever had. Not even in the beginning of his life. It’s nice, too nice for Bruce to have. Monsters don’t get nice things or nice people. They get to go through hell and beaten up by the bad guys. But maybe…just maybe.

She says that she adores him. Then pushes him into a pit. Which basically sums up his love life. But he hears her whisper. “I need the Other Guy.” So Bruce will be there, and so will Hulk. Ready to do whatever it takes to help save the day again. Bruce just lets Hulk take the reins for once. Right now, he’s miffed at Natasha for dismissing him so quickly. Kissing the living daylights out of him, making him feel like he could rule the world, and then triggering the Hulk to appear. But it’s Natasha. So he will do her will. Because she’s his teammate. And he’s hopelessly in love with her, but still.