#haehcan

it’s the way he looks at you.

it’s the way he feels when he sees you and the way his stomach turns when you talk. it’s the way he loves the way you move. it’s the way he stares just a moment too long. maybe he sounds a bit stalkerish, but he can’t help himself when you’re the most beautiful person he had ever seen. with the most gorgeous soul he had ever experienced.

he doesn’t realize you notice these things, but you do.

you notice the sad look in his eyes when he realizes you don’t feel the same just yet. you notice the way he shifts in his seat and clutches his stomach lightly when you talk. you notice the way his eyes don’t leave your body when you walk to grab a bottle of water. you notice how long he stares and how the look in his eyes tell you he’s in love.

but it’s a sad love.

a puppy love.

and you notice. god, you notice.

you wished you were oblivious to the signs, but it’s way too obvious when all he wants to do is be around you. you feel shameful every time you kiss him. you feel your heart clench when he hugs you, knowing you can’t return the feelings he so desperately deserves right now.

and he stays, because he hopes you’ll love him too.

hyuck’s eyes haven’t left yours for the past minute as you stand at your front door as he drops you off, “thank you for the ride home.”

“anything for you,” he smiles, but it doesn’t feel whole. it doesn’t feel real and you can feel the pain and hear the sorrow in his voice. it hurts. hyuck swallows the pain in his throat as he stares just a little bit longer than he’s supposed to, “goodnight, love.”

you lick your lips, waiting for the goodnight kiss, “goodnight.”

and when the kiss comes, you feel guilty all over again. it’s such a sweet kiss, and you know it’s full of love. love that you can’t return. you’re not sure why either. he treats you the way you’re supposed to be treated and he gives you everything you could ever want. why can’t you just love him?

soft lips leave yours, and when you finally walk inside, hyuck watches as you close your door and he feels the aching in his chest return. he knows. he knows you don’t love him the way he loves you, and it’s the most painful feeling he’s felt in a very, very long time.

maybe he’s too much. maybe he’s the problem.

hyuck returns to his car with a heavy mind that night, driving slower than usual and sluggishly walking into his own apartment.

why don’t you love him?

what has he done wrong to make you not love him?

questions swarm his head more than he’d like all night long. it’s like his head was swimming. like he was drowning. he ache in his chest never leaves, but he just hopes that one day you’ll love him the same way he loves you.

one day, hopefully, you’ll love him too.

one day you’ll look at him with stars in your eyes, rather than a glooming and pitiful look. one day you’ll say how much he means to you. one day you’ll kiss him and mean it. one day you’ll show him all your deepest secrets and trust him with your heart.

hyuck lays on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

one day, you’ll love him too.

and it won’t hurt when he stares at you. it won’t hurt when you kiss him. it won’t hurt when he listens to the way you talk so passionately about other things that aren’t him. it won’t hurt when he hugs you tightly goodnight.

one day, it won’t hurt anymore.

the pain will fade, and he’ll be happy. with you right by his side.

hyuck rolls over in bed, slowly closing his eyes and hoping to dream sweetly of you.

one day. just, one day, you’ll love him too.

“no! stop!“ you push hyuck away with a giggle. it’s so harmonious in hyuck’s brain. the sound echoing with love and passion.

hyuck smiles mischeviously, trying to rub his wet hair on you as you shove him away with gorgeous laughs. your lips separate sweetly and let out a heavenly sound. he couldn’t get enough of it.

“fine, fine.” hyuck moves back.

“you didn’t have to come over, you know.” you shift on your feet, “it’s pouring outside.”

hyuck came over at night when you called, saying you could use a little bit of his company. it wasn’t sexual, no hidden intentions and hyuck knew that. he was respectful of your distance as much as he could be, no matter how much it tore him apart.

hyuck pulls you close, but not too close to chase you away, “i know, i wanted to.”

you’ve been dating hyuck for five months now, things have been going well. too well. he was affectionate, never picked fights, did whatever he could for you. you just wish you could understand why you didn’t love him the way he needed you to.

“well, thank you.” you lean in for a kiss, and hyuck quickly responds to it with slight greed. hyuck will take whatever he can get from you. your affection was rare, but sweet.

if he could choose how to die, this would be it. in your arms, your kiss so sweet and soft and tasting of maple syrup. he wondered if you had pancakes or waffles that day. it didn’t exactly matter to him, your kisses were always so sweet no matter the taste.

when you tangle your hand in his hair, he falls apart in your hold. he was yours. he belonged to you, no one could make him feel the way you do. the aching in his chest returns the longer he kisses you, but he would ache forever if he could stay just like this.

you pull away first, looking at him with a small smile. but it doesn’t reach your eyes. how sad.

“did you want me to stay, or leave tonight?” hyuck pulls apart from you reluctantly, his hands burning just to touch you again. the pain is almost unbearable.

you shift around, “you can stay if you want to. it is raining after all.” you want to love him. you want to spend as much time with him as possible. could you fake it until you make it?

it wasn’t like you resented him or didn’t like him. hyuck was attractive, affectionate, loving, caring, perfect. he was perfect. so, why was he wasting his time on you? why did it matter so much to him that you love him? he could find someone better, someone who wasn’t so emotionally constipated. someone who knew what true love was.

but he chose you.

and, in his mind, he would choose you over and over again.

hyuck nods, “sure.”

when night turns too late and you’re cuddled up with him, you can feel your body warm up. you couldn’t tell if it was because of his own body heat, or because your heart was beating so fast being so close to him. it wasn’t a smothering feeling, and you assumed this was progress.

but does love have progress? is that how you should have described it?

you weren’t sure, you were never sure. all you knew was, for once, you felt comfort in the hold of donghyuck.

hyuck could feel you relax in his hold, and he sighed out of relief. you were comfortable. that’s all that mattered to him. he was willing to give this up and sleep on the couch just so you could be comfortable. but when you snuggled deeper into his chest in a slumber, he couldn’t stop the tug on his heart.

hyuck softly kisses your forehead, imagining this for the rest of his life. he would die a happy man.

if only you could love him.

it’s snowing.

and all hyuck can think about is how sweet it would be to kiss you out there, throw snowballs, warm up with hot chocolate and a nice fireside in his apartment. but you’re not here, and he’s not with you there. he stares out the window, watching as the snowfall builds up on the ground. he feels something wet fall down his cheek before he realizes he’s crying.

why was he crying?

hyuck realizes that he would never truly get the things he desperately desired. the things he wanted out of a relationship, the things he needed in a relationship for as long as he was with you. but why doesn’t that change anything? why does he still continue trying after all these months? you’ve known him for over two years, quickly becoming his best friend over those two years and soon enough becoming his first true love.

why don’t you love him?

what was it that he wasn’t doing enough of?

hyuck sobs quietly as he falls to the ground in soft defeat. hyuck could never give you up no matter how much he knows he needs to. he could never give up what he has with you, because despite everything, you were still his best friend. you were the one person he could lean on when things got hard. you were the one person who truly means it when they say they care. you are the one person who truly means it when they say they’ll be there for you. you are the one true person he loves, and he’s just not quite ready to give that up, no matter how damaging it is to his mental health.

hyuck couldn’t sleep well that night, tossing and turning and occasionally getting up to stare at the snow again and reminisce on the things he couldn’t have with you. sleep was difficult without you by his side, he learned. he was afraid of getting separation anxiety, but he’s aware now that it’s too late for that. the second he fell in love, he knew just how doomed he was.

hyuck sighs, shaky breaths leaving him.

he may never understand, but he’s slowly coming to terms that this is just how it is being with you. he can’t change you, he can’t convince you, he can’t force you.

he just has to hope that, one day, you’ll love him back.

no matter how long it takes. no matter how many tears he lets out. no matter how many times he starts to lose hope. no matter the aches and the pains.

no matter what, he just hopes you’ll love him too.

then, he can be happy.

“it’s cold, hyuck.” your complaints make hyuck smile a bit and you scowl at him.

hyuck wraps you in his arms, “would you like to go back inside, darling?”

the both of you were outside trying your best to make some kind of snowman. it wasn’t turning out very well, and it was also very lumpy and kind of small. it wasn’t the cutest or the prettiest, but to hyuck it was yours and his. it didn’t have to be the best looking snowman for him to love it the same way he loves you.

it was beautiful in his eyes, and so were you.

you looked gorgeous in the snowfall, so gorgeous that he couldn’t keep his eyes off you. he could see the way the snow stuck to your hair and clothes, adoring the way you look in the cold. he almost didn’t want this moment to end, watching you try to perfect a snowman that was already doomed from the start.

when you make eye contact again, he doesn’t realize the smile that had crossed his face along the way of staring at you. he feels almost creepy for staring so long, but he just couldn’t help it with the way you looked like some kind of snow princess. cheesy, but he means it.

the ache in his chest returns when you lean over for a peck on the lips, a smile gracing your lovely face. god how he wished you meant it. he wished the dull feeling in his body wasn’t caused by you. he couldn’t force you to love him. every time he kisses you, he feels as if his love is being taken for granted. every time you hug him, he feels his heart slowly start to break.

he wants to believe it’s worth it.

“are you okay?” you tilt your head in oblivion.

hyuck swallows down, “of course.” he smiles, but you could see in his eyes he didn’t mean it. you want to ask, but you don’t.

maybe you should have that day.

hyuck can’t believe this is happening. he honestly never wants this to end. this incredible, amazing feeling. you’re straddling his lap, hands in his hair, fingers tangled, kissing him with fever. what else could he possibly ask for? this was everything he had ever dreamed of and more. you were so beautiful to him, but the noises that came from your mouth when you rubbed down on his thigh? absolutely perfect. nothing compared to it. nothing compared to you.

hyuck can’t stop himself from tracing his kisses down your neck, sucking maybe a bit too hard. he marks you unconciously, but the sounds you let out were heavenly, sending sparks down his spine. you were his, you are his. as you rock your hips back and forth on his thigh, he flexes his thigh a bit to help you out. the moan that escapes your mouth is so captivating.

“hyuck..” you breathe, leaning your neck to the side for more access so he can leave even more marks down your neck and collarbone.

“yes?” hyuck licks the hickey on your neck before whispering in your ear, “what do you want?”

“please, fuck me.”

that was all he needed to flip you over, undress the both of you, and slowly enter your pussy. the moans that echo between the both of you was harmonious. his dick fills you up perfectly, and your pussy wraps around him so tightly. when he starts moving, hyuck leans down to moan and breathe heavy in your ear. shivers run down your spine at the noises.

“fuck, you’re so tight. so perfect.” hyuck’s words make you arch your chest into him.

he can feel how slick you are, how your pussy contracts around his dick. it was everything he could dream of, and more. he was in heaven. he swore if this was how he was going to go, he would be okay with it.

“i’m gonna cum..” you utter, clutching onto his back, legs around his waist.

“w-wait.” hyuck clutches the sheets beside your head, pumping into you faster and faster, but you couldn’t stop yourself. you came with a scream of his name, making him shutter into you but not stopping once as he chases his own high.

“h-hyuck,” he pumps into you into overstimulation. your pussy so sensitive but feels so good that you don’t ask him to stop, just pull him closer and claw at his back more.

hyuck feels himself fall straight into you. the aching in his chest grows, and so does his orgasm. he lets out a soft whine when he feels you cum around him again, urging his own orgasm.

“f-fuck, fuck, fuck..” hyuck moans as he cums inside, kissing along the marks on your neck and calming the both of you down.

soon enough after he takes care of you, washing you with a cloth and giving you a pair of his clothes, the pain returns.

bliss seemed to only be temporary with you.

hyuck rests his head in his hand, staring at you with stars in his eyes. there’s a dull pain behind then, although, and you feel guilty for noticing it.

hyuck neglects the truth that you’re bad for him, and he’s good for you.

hyuck asks cutely how your breakfast was, watching the way you answer with eagerness. he listens to the way you rave on his cooking, and his chest tightens. he wishes you would rave abt him in general that way. he wished you loved him the same way you love his cooking. he wished you loved him for him.

hyuck resists a sigh, “i’m glad you liked it.” he smiles sweetly, and it makes your heart speed up in your chest. you weren’t used to this feeling. your hands became clammy, your fingers fidgeting, your heart beating heavy. what was happening to you?

“of course i did, i always do.” you smile back, and hyuck finds it to be so damn angelic. you were an angel straight from heaven, made just for him.

at least, that’s what he’d like to believe. what he desperately wanted to believe.

when he starts to wash the dishes, he feels arms wrap around his torso, making him jump where he stood. it was such a warm, gentle gesture. something he noticed became more and more normal from you. you weren’t too keen on big gestures, only settling for simple ones. it made his heart hurt the longer you held him. he could feel himself start to slip.

was this love?

was it really love if all he felt was pain when he was around you?

he couldn’t help but wonder the whole night with you. he was starting to notice just how painful it was being around you. he loved you so much, that it hurt. loving someone who doesn’t love you was the harshest pain he had ever experienced. especially with the small, sweet gestures you displayed while knowing it was forced because he knew you knew just how much he loved you.

he could feel just how much you forced yourself to keep this relationship together for him. it was painful.

why was he so selfish? why did he want to keep holding on? why was he waiting for real love from you?

hyuck stares into your eyes with sorrow, realizing that, soon enough, he’s going to have to let you go one day.

was the pain worth it anymore?

“i love you.”

the words leave hyuck’s lips before he can think. he really wished he would’ve thought this one out.

the shock on your face says it all, really. from that moment, he knew he shouldn’t have said it. he should’ve kept it deep down inside him. he knew from that moment forward, it would chase you away.

“oh hyuck…” your voice was sad, reaching out for him. but he rejects your touch, shaking his head in a dramatic way. his love wasn’t returned.

“no, no. sorry. forget it.” hyuck looks away from you. you could see his nose turn slightly red as he sniffles. you wanted to say it back. you wanted to reassure him that it’s okay, that you know where your feelings stood with him. but you couldn’t. you couldn’t lie to him.

“i..” you pause, swallowing down tears, “i’m so sorry, donghyuck.” your eyebrows furrow in slight frustration, wondering why you couldn’t love him the way he deserves. you’ve known each other for so long, shouldn’t you love him?

hyuck shakes his head again, rolling his eyes to himself, “don’t. i really don’t want to hear it. it’s not your fault, don’t make it your fault.” hyuck’s words cut through you. maybe he sounded a bit harsh, but he couldn’t stop the pain that cut him deep down. he was hurt. you hurt him. it wasn’t your fault, but he couldn’t deny it hurt.

you look away from him, nodding your head. you say nothing else for the rest of the night except when you left his place. the two of you were watching a movie, so having to sit through the rest of it was the most awkward thing you’ve ever had to experience. for hyuck, it was the most painful thing he’d had to experience. the whole time he wanted to cry, but suppressed it the best he could.

when he shut the door when you left though, it all came pouring down. an absolute mess. hyuck felt like an absolute mess that night. it wasn’t your fault that he felt this way. maybe it was his for letting himself fall so easily.

nothing will be the same. not for him.

hyuck sighs, twirling a pencil around his fingers. he’s trying his best to focus on his studies, but all he could think about was you. per-usual.

the first time hyuck said he loved you, was the last time he had said it.

he waited and waited for you to finally say it back for months on end. but as month eight of being together approaches, he’s starting to lose hope. maybe you just won’t ever love him.

maybe there’s no use trying anymore.

“i can’t do it, hyuck.” you stare at him with sad eyes.

this was the answer he needed. it was your ten month anniversary, months passing since he had the flashback of the first time he said he loved you. he tried to move on mentally, but he couldn’t. so, here he was asking if you loved him. asking if you felt the same way he did. and your answer was all he needed to realize just how much of his time was wasted.

“then we can’t be together.”

hyuck stares at you with the most intense eyes you’ve ever seen. you could see the tears threatening to spill. it hurt you to see him like this, but you know it hurt him more than it hurt you. unrequited love was a bitch.

hyuck can feel his heart crack in two the longer he sits at the dinner table, homemade food displayed for the two of you on your anniversary. he wants to leave, but he’s at his own damn apartment. of course he had to set everything up at his own apartment. hyuck sighs, a shakey sound escaping. he can’t stand being around you anymore. he doesn’t want to even breathe the same air as you anymore.

“can you go?” hyuck spits out, the words harsh and painful. you wanted to talk to him, stick by his side. you couldn’t lose him, not when you’re so close.

“hyuck-” you try to talk to him, try to explain that you maybe you were close, but you were too late. way too late.

“i really can’t stand to hear it right now, y/n. i just know it’s going to hurt my feelings even more, and i can’t stand this anymore. i’ve waited long enough to be loved, to feel loved. i can’t keep doing this.”

his words struck like lightning. he addressed the huge elephant in the room like it was nothing, and you were surprised. you could feel a cold sweat burning down your spine, licking your lips as you slowly raise out of your seat. you take a look at hyuck and see him tightly clutching the sides of the table, as if to restrain himself. it was so painful to see.

you could feel your heart breaking as you realized you were just starting to love him.

you could never tell him that, it would only make things worse. he deserves better. someone he doesn’t have to wait on for so long, someone who can give him everything he needs. no matter how badly he may want you, he can never get what he needs out of you. you could tell it was exhausting him, the bags under his eyes giving it away.

“i.. i’m sorry.” you say softly.

hyuck scoffs, “yeah, me too.”

you can feel the anger, the tension. and hyuck was angry. he was so, so mad. why couldn’t anyone love him? why was he never enough for anybody? was he too much? did he give too much?

who gave him such a big heart? who let him have his heart on his sleeve the way it was?

hyuck doesn’t bother leaving the table to walk you out the door, only sitting at his seat in silence. he stares blankly, tears falling helplessly once he hears his own front door shut. lately, breaking down seemed to be his thing.

you’re sorry.

you’re fucking sorry.

hyuck scoffs again. what a shit apology. what a shit way of ending things.

hyuck gave you everything. he gave you his heart, presents, everything you need, flowers, chocolates, a shoulder to lean on when you cried, a friendship and relationship that wasn’t comparable to others. maybe his ego was too high. but he knows he loved you with everything he could. he loved you the best way he knew how, and he wondered every second of his time with you on why that wasn’t enough.

why was his love never enough?

hyuck falls asleep with tears in his eyes that night, his chest so heavy it weighs him down. breaking apart from you was like breaking apart a half of him. you were the only thing keeping him going day by day. and as the days go by without you, it only gets worse.

nothing will ever be the same for him.

he won’t love the way he loved you. he knows this.

hyuck sighs.

he got rid of everything in his apartment that reminded him of you. he couldn’t even stand the thought of you anymore. he was going through the stages of grief, and right now he was angry. everything about you seemed to piss him off.

he wished things ended better, but he knew there wasn’t really a good way to end an unrequited love. especially when hyuck was so bitter about the whole situation.

it’s been weeks without you, and the hole never seems to go away. the aching never seems to dull. the pain never seems to stop. all he can think of was the good memories. the good memories that were tainted by hyuck’s bitterness.

how could things end the way they did?

hyuck sips his coffee, the silence of his apartment filling the room. he was without you. the silence devouring him and making him into a new person. a bitter, cold person.

he loved you so, so much.

he just hopes you know how dear you were to him after all that time. even if he didn’t want to admit it, you would always be special to him. you would always have a place in his heart.

but, at the end of the day, hyuck was good for you.

and you were bad for him.