#h;ask

“i don’t know” it’s a whisper, shy and scared. her fingers curl around each other and she shakes her head. “i don’t know” she repeats. “i don’t... not a bit... i have no idea” she says once again and takes a deep breath. “and i don’t even know if i want that” hailey raises her head and there’s a fiery sparkle on her eyes. “i lost too many people and i loved each one of them. i loved them with all i have because... because that’s just what i do” she swallows. “i don’t know if i want to go through this again. again.  i must be the glorious queen of ruined relationships” she laughs bitterly and wipes the tears of her eyes. “so.. yeah... i don’t think i will... because i’m not willing to”

“sorry, i’m sorry” hailey says in a renewed tone and she takes a deep breath before looking up again. the tears were still there, but she was determined to answer the question. “i guess... i loved her. i still do.” she purses her lips and shrugs, a very sad laugh coming from her lips as she tries to wipe the tears away. “she was... she was everything. she made me feel brave and happy. she was that comfort when i got home tired from training. she was strength and kindness and home.” she pauses. “and i love her. and i miss her. and i wish... i wish i told her that before. i wish... she could’ve stayed” hailey hears herself saying that and it feels like it’s not her. because she was still in denial, as she always were when it came to naeun. “but i guess there’s nothing i can do about that anymore, right?”another sad smile. she had nothing else to say. 

“i... um...” she pouts as she thinks about this because wow, was that a hard question. she bites on her bottom lip and scratches the back of her neck. “well, i think i would love this person! i mean, if they’re my perfect partner!” hailey chuckles and she knows very well that’s not the reply they wanted. she clears her throat and tries again. “i think i would end up risking things to date them. i don’t know, honestly, but i think i would. and then i would pray for the fans to approve our relationship!” hailey chuckles again. “or that it never got to the press. whatever, it’s fine. i think happiness is more important than one’s career. but then again, my career could give me immense happiness... oh that question is a tricky one.” she takes a deep breath and there’s a wrinkle on her forehead. “so! um... yeah, i think i would risk things. if i think it’d work. aish, yes, okay, this answer! it’s the best i can do!”

“and ummmm, i don’t know if i’d be satisfied with that. i wouldn’t mind at all! but, you know, i’ve been training to be an artist and i wish that people will appreciate this, too.” 

“okay, this will sound silly, but... it was the day i opened my youtube channel” hailey can’t control her smile and it was honestly starting to hurt her cheeks. “you see, i was down for weeks. i was doubting about my potential and i doubted that i really wanted to make music. i didn’t know if that was what i really wanted to do”  she pauses. “that day, i felt like i was doing something right. like i was finally going through the right path. it was like... like my dream was coming back from the dead! i don’t know, like it was a phoenix coming back from the ashes!” hailey chuckles, throwing her head back. “i didn’t do much, i just... arranged things on the guitar and the piano. and aiden was so handsome that day! he brought me ice cream - a really expensive, really delicious ice cream. he spent half of the day quoting what i think that was steinbeck” she chuckles again. “silly, just because he needed to read for the classes. and i also skyped with eli and showed him some originals - he really liked them! and oh! that day my parents actually complimented me.” she smiles wide and shrugs. “yeah, it was a great day.”

“i wouldn’t give up on a good opportunity” she starts and bites on her bottom lip. “this makes me feel like i’m a bad person!” she exclaims, letting a chuckle fall from her lips. hailey clears her throat then so she can finish her reply. “there are two parts of me fighting, so i’ll explain them both. one of them says that even if i love them, i shouldn’t pass an opportunity. i should grab every opportunity i have” she lets all the air out of her lungs and scratches the back of her head. “wow that was hard. and made me feel so selfish” her tongue pokes out and then she shifts on her seat to talk about the other part of her. “but the other part says: if i give up on a good opportunity because of someone else, aren’t i assuming that i’m already better? that i already won? that this person can’t get this opportunity because i obviously will get it. you know? pretentious. i couldn’t do that. a fair competition is what’s best, i guess” 

“when it’s about music...” she starts and shifts uncomfortably on her seat. she always wondered if it was something she really wanted or her parents made her think it was something she really wanted. “i think that even if i give up on being an idol, i’d set my eyes in another goal related to it. i mean, i could teach. or i could direct musicals! oh, that would be great!” she smiles excitedly. “i guess i wouldn’t consider myself a failure, but...” she swallowed and the lump on her throat made it hurt. “i guess my parents would find a way to do that for me” and then she shrugs, giving a sad smile. 

“Oh, hiya Ana! I’m Hwayoung.”