#guysaredumb

So, this is S. I don't think I've written about him before. I met him through fb dating. lol. I put myself there just cuz I was curious, and mostly bored. But he swiped for me, and I swiped back. I don't remember what we talked about on there, but he asked for my snap. So, we've been friends since Dec 1 2021. (I checked lol). We haven't even spoke that much on there either. We both thought nothing would come out of it. (Nothing has still technically hahah). Probably starting in February we would reply to each other's pics shared, mostly him to me, cuz he barely posts anything. And I don't remember how exactly it went though. But I do remember him talking about meeting twice, then standing me up the next day. He would say things, then not follow through. (Now, that I'm writing about this, I realize how dumb everything is gonna sound lol). I remember one time specifically, I was excited. He told me he'd be free anytime after 5pm, March 2nd, cuz he worked. But we didn't talk that whole day, but I was still expecting that he would. But nothing. That whole day. I cried that night. I remember going through something, but can't remember what specifically, but that was the breaking point. I was hurt, and felt even more shittier about myself. I think he ended up texting the next day, like nothing happened. And I ended up replying like nothing bothered me. And we carried on lol. The next day, March 3rd is the first time he came pick me up. I was at my sister J's apartment. (She was in the city for 3 months for therapy. She's gone now, but now why her daughter is staying with me for going to school at this high school... total side note). We finally agreed to meet that night. He picked me up at 930. I remember freaking out that whole time. Scared to actually go out to meet him. But I did. We drove around till like 3 or 4 in the morning. It was fine. We met another time after that and did the same thing. Drove around till we couldn't anymore. Next time, we went out to eat at a restaurant. Then, a few more times after that, we met up (unintentionally mostly) at the casino lol. Last time I physically seen him, though, was like a month ago. Smh. And the dumbest shit ever is, we've never kissed. Or hugged. Or anything. Which is why, I said all of this is going to sound so dumb. You're probably wondering why I would even have the nerve to keep things going as they are lol. I know I do sometimes. The thing is, I like him. Like, genuinely. I kept saying I was waiting for the guy that would make me feel excited, and he is it. Which is so annoying. But, he's shy lol. The conversations we've had was us admitting we liked each other, but him saying he was busy but it would happen in time. I was going to give up on him multiple times, but he always got me the next time he got the nerve to message. lol. We're similar in a lot of ways. He's Cree, like me. He's a year older. Sober. 2 kids. Single for over 2 yrs though. Same career field. Traditional/cultural, like I'm tryna be lol. And handsome. But annoyingly shy. lol. I could tell when we were together, that he was nervous. I thought it was cute. And I should have made the first move then, but now it just feels weird. Like, Idek what to do either haha. I've never had to be the first one. Last night I asked him questions about things, and refused to accept his idks all the time. He admitted that he's been afraid and might have ptsd from past relationships. I said same. But we didn't go into detail. I told him that I think that he's a decent person, and he should have some sort of idea that I'm not a shady person. He also admitted that he's never been this way about a girl. Never been this nervous. Like, maybe he's intimidated by me? But I wouldn't even know why? Maybe he just really likes me and doesn't know how to respond to that? Fuck if I know. But I'm frustrated. And tired of being patient, even tho he wants me to be. Like, wtf. I feel dumb, when I have to explain this situationship to other people, or even to myself. Never have I ever been put in this position. Just humbled me.

hey. here we are. sitting with our cat. our actual cat. and our coffee. thinking about the guy, shakespeare. hes kinda not all that. but like he is at the same time. he was acting super weird last night and i do not understand it at all. i honestly just with i didnt overthink everything. maybe if i didnt overthink then i wouldnt have to worry about the dumb things guys do and say.  but hey fuck it right. 

ugh no. it like really sucks because i do not want to get hurt again. like id rather just curl up in a ball, hurl (yes, while in the ball) and sleep for three days. thats what id much rather do. having feelings sucks. this anti-d is great because it does help me rationalize shit better but i still have these dumb thoughts about guys. did my ex not love me enough? did my ex make me feel ugly and unlovable? did my ex teach me that feelings are stupid? no. i let him do that to me. but also, how manipulative, right? 

oh well, i digress. honestly, there is still so much healing i need to do its ridiculous. but hey. at least i am trying to have fun and live my life while doing it.  

Here’s the sitch: 

My boyfriend of 10 years and I have been living together for 8 years. 4-5 of those years his best friend has lived with us. They work together, live together, workout together, get coffee together, play video games together, smoke weed together....get the point? Well, the past 6-8 months I’ve decided it’s time for his best friend to move out. I think we’ve reached a goal in our relationship of 10 years and we can now live without someone else around at all times. We are nearly all 32 years old....we don’t need a roommate for life. 

Also, this best friend of his brings out the worst in my guy. This is not just my opinion.....many of our elders have noticed this as well. This best friend of his has no respect for his elders. I’ve witnessed many a time and have had many people ask me what I think of him since I live with him. We’ve all come to the same conclusion that he is a disrespectful bully. I’m not asking my guy to not be friends with him. I’m just asking him to ask him to move out and give us some space. 

I’m tired of being the 3rd wheel.