Beautiful - Chapter 2
Beautiful (Wanna One’s Guan Lin)
What just happened?
I pinched myself, making sure that this wasn’t just another dream. I just saw Guan Lin in the flesh. For the past 5 years, the thought of him was nothing more than just that; a thought. Not once did I consider that I would ever see him again.
On the car ride home, my feelings were battling with each other. One side rejoiced in success, the other cowered in regret. To utter those words to someone that caused me so much pain was a joy, but at the same time, I wondered if that was the right way to handle the situation.
What would have happened if I didn’t storm out like that?
I replayed it in my head.
“It’s been a while. This might be a shock to you, I’m sorry,” he said, flashing an earnest smile. I’d almost forgotten that he had a dimple on his left cheek.
“You look beautiful, as I knew you would.”
I had not said a single word. My mind was going completely blank. I just knew that my hands were cold and trembling. The familiarity that came with seeing him again was inevitably accompanied by pain. I felt something else wash over me. More than the pain, this was more like a flame.
It was the vibrant kind.
When I finally spoke, I was surprised at the warmth in my words.
“You’re the person I’m supposed to meet? What a pleasant surprise.”
“Really? I was afraid you’d take it some other way. I’m glad that you’re pleased,” he beamed. “It’s been a while, Hana.”
“It’s been a while, Guan Lin,” I said, smiling back at him. “How long has it been? 5 years?”
“Yes, 5 long years. It’s been alright. I just finished my business degree last year. Did you also push through with business?”
“Yes, I did. We graduated at the same time too. What brings you back to Korea?”
At this, my imagination ceases. I didn’t want to think of the answer. I knew that a small part of me wanted to hear a very specific response. I pushed it down hard, desperately; I failed, miserably.
You.
It’s been 5 years; 5 long, full years. I should be over this person. He caused me nothing but pain during a time that I should’ve been enjoying my life. I still resented him a little for that. I remember falling into a recluse from my classmates right after our high school graduation. While everyone was celebrating and enjoying their vacation, I stayed in my room, clad in pajamas and cocooned in sheets, crying over a broken heart. I couldn’t be excited about college because I was too busy nursing the ache in my chest. It was so difficult to be happy about anything. I ate, I drank, I breathed just because I needed to. There was nearly no life in me. Somehow, I managed to bear the weight with me enough to step out of the shadows and into my first day as a college student. Somehow, I managed to numb the pain all these years. Maybe I was too young to really know how to properly process grief, and because I didn’t, here it was, alive and well and back. And it brought along its siblings, anger and regret.
As the car pulled up to the driveway of my apartment, I resolved it with myself that what I did was indeed the right thing to do.
“So how was the date?”
These were the first words that came out of Ara’s mouth as soon a she stepped into my apartment. She walked in excitedly a spring in her step.
I closed the door behind her, avoiding eye contact. I proceeded straight into the living room and took a seat on the sofa.
“I wouldn’t know. I left him there.”
I could hear a pin drop once I uttered those words. The night before, my phone was full of unanswered messages and phone calls, all from her.
“Can you tell me why?” she asked. I couldn’t figure out yet if she was scolding me or just plain curious.
“I had no other choice.”
“What?”
It sounded a lot like she was scolding me.
“What do you mean you had no other choice?” she reiterated, sitting beside me.
It was still early in the morning and I didn’t really feel like being interrogated. Rather than beat around the bush, I just answered her point blank.
“We were together. He’s my ex.”
Ara paused for a moment, “He who must not be named? That ex?”
I nodded, “Where did you even find him?”
“He’s in the same company as Minhyun,” she said, her voice taking on a more sympathetic tone. “You weren’t supposed to know, but he was the one who requested to meet you. I just assumed he saw one of our pictures and thought you were pretty. I didn’t know he’d turn out to be THE ex.”
I faced her, “It’s not your fault. You had no idea.”
“Now that I think about it, your ex is still a complete mystery to me. You just mentioned his existence in passing. I never got the full story.”
“I never talked about about him to anyone.” I said, resting my head.
I heard her jaw drop open right before she smacked my shoulder.
“No wonder you’re still bitter! You kept your feelings all to yourself!”
Although I was surprised at the pain of the impact and the truth of her words, I could only close my eyes. She was right. I did bear all the weight on my own. I didn’t talk about our breakup to anyone. At that time, it was probably too painful for me to admit what happened. At that time, it was easier to suffer in silence and act like everything was fine. At that time, it seemed like the less painful route to pretend like I hadn’t just been destroyed. Heartbreak was nothing to be ashamed of, but somehow, it was something I could never articulate.
“What the heck happened between the two of you?”
I looked at her, contemplating whether it was time to let the skeletons out of the closet.
“I don’t really know where to start.”
Ara sensed my reluctance. She drew both her hands to her chin, as if thinking hard about something.
“You like writing, don’t you? Why don’t we do it like one of your stories?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do it by chapter: how you met, how you became a couple, how you broke up, whatever. Everything you suppressed in the past, let them out now. Start from the very beginning.”
I surveyed her idea. It’s funny how I’m doing the post-processing 5 years later. I couldn’t really do this with anyone before. Guan Lin wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was also my best friend. I didn’t have anyone like Ara back in those days. When I entered university, I was determined to assume a different identity. I distanced myself from everything in high school. I didn’t keep in touch with my classmates nor did I ever visit the school. I didn’t want to give them any opportunity to ask me about him. I had no one at all to console me; I consoled myself by hiding it all away. This seemed too long overdue, but it was better late than never.
“Alright. I’ll tell you everything.”
