#laiguanlin

A Little Called First Love 初恋那件小事 

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Lai Guanlin / Lai Kuanlin

 3,2,1

All I Wanna do, WANNA ONE 😍

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Happy Birthday to the our chick of the group, Lai Guan Lin! You've grown so much since your produce days and I'm looking forward to what you'll do from today on. Keep up the great work and keep on shining :)

Beautiful (Wanna One’s Guan Lin)

If I could freeze time right here in this moment, I would.

Right here, with your hand in mine, that bright look on your face, and the stars above our heads, I couldn’t ask for anything else. You, with your unkempt hair, your bold, brown eyes, and that dumb, gummy smile—This was all I wanted. This was everything I never thought I’d need.

“Beautiful, right?”

“Yes.”

I smiled. You squeezed my hand tighter in your grasp and I reveled in its warmth.

Please let me keep this forever.

Of course, that was nothing but the plight of my subconscious in deep slumber. I rouse myself from sleep at the sound of a shrill ringing. With a sigh, I reach for my phone to turn my alarm off. I blink my eyes open to the dawn of a new day.

Why are you still in my head?

As soon as I shake off the feelings of drowsiness, this question and the dream begin to dissipate. The face, the smile, and the warmth are soon tucked away in the shadows of my reverie, only to come back again when I’m tucked away at night. Unwillingly, shards of memories have somehow persisted all throughout these years, still piercing through the veil of my imagination. My subconscious still remembers to put together pieces of a puzzle to form the identity of someone familiar, despite not having any contact for a long, long time.

Why are you still in my head?

The ghost of this question lingers on for a couple more before it finally vanishes. At least, temporarily. For now, it was time to get up and get ready for work.

My morning routine began with a cold shower and ended with a hot cup of cappuccino. At the end of it, I managed to look like any other young professional walking the streets of Seoul at 8 in the morning. Before the clock strikes 9, I’m promptly at my desk with my laptop open, and if it’s a busy day, my second cup of coffee at the side. When you’re working hard, time flies by in a breeze, and because I like to pretend that I am, let’s also pretend that 9 to 5 flew by in a breeze. Soon enough, I would be back in my apartment by 6, eating dinner by 7, and retiring to bed by 9. This was my calculated schedule every single day. It had only been a couple of months out of university, but I would like to think that I had things under control. Maybe my social life needed some boosting and maybe I could do with some dating, but aside from that, I was doing alright.

I was doing alright.

My best friend didn’t seem to think so.

“I’ve got another blind date for you.” she said with sly look on her face.

I shook my head with a smile. Every weekend we’d go to our usual coffee shop, sip our usual drinks, and inevitably, discuss my nonexistent love life.  Another weekend, another prospect for a blind date.

“Who is it this time?”

“Oh no. I’m not going to tell you anything. I told you about Ong Seongwoo, Kang Daniel, and Hwang Minhyun before, and you opted out before you could even say yes. I’m not going to hear, “Oh Ong Seongwoo seems too talkative, Kang Daniel seems too cool, Hwang Minhyun seems like too much of a perfectionist.” “ she said, all with flailing hand gestures.

“You’re dating Minhyun now though.” I said, giving her a teasing smile.

“Yes, thank you for that.” she replied, laughing. “But I’m still keeping mum about this one. I’m not going to tell you his name. I’m not going to give you a chance to run away again.”

“You know me so well.” I said, laughing.

“Yes I do.” she scoffed.

“But I’m in no rush. You know that too.”

“You’ve been telling me that since the first time we met. It’s been 4 years, Hana. We’ve graduated. Try to change things up a little.”

I sighed. Ara and I have known each other since college. Throughout it all, not once did she find me in a relationship. I would date every now and then, but the guy would never leave a good enough impression for me to say yes to a 2nd date. She, on the other hand, had the fearlessness to risk it all from relationship to relationship. Sometimes I envied that, but not in times when I ended up being her shoulder to cry on. I’ve been through that once personally and it was unbearable. I didn’t want to even think of the possibility of going through it again.

This time though, I’ll oblige. It was just a date after all.

“Fine. I’ll make it to this one. When is it?”

Ara’s face immediately lit up, “Tonight.”

“What? So soon?”

She smiled.

“You told this guy I’d go even without my permission, didn’t you?”

“I’m done playing Mr. Nice Guy, and you already agreed. There’s no going back now. I have it on record,” she said, picking up her phone from the table. “You have nothing on me.”

I was shocked, but I had no other choice than to accept the situation thrown at me.

“How am I supposed to find him if I don’t even know his name?”

Ara toggled with her phone, “I’m sending you his number right now. He already has yours. I’ll text you later when and where you’ll meet.”

Again, I didn’t bother to be surprised, “That still doesn’t answer my question.”

“You’ll both figure it out, don’t worry.”

“He doesn’t know my name either?”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Exciting, isn’t it?”

“You’re really lucky I call you my best friend. If this were anyone else, I’d be out of that door in no time.” I said pointing to the coffee shop’s exit.

“You’ll thank me for this someday, Hana.”

“We’ll see.”

Unwillingly, I went back to my apartment to get ready for the date. She insisted on coming with me to help me prepare, but really, it was more like to make sure I wouldn’t devise an exit strategy.  I reassured her and told her she didn’t have to. After all, I felt more at ease preparing for these things on my own with no dissenting opinions to be swayed by.

As I was finishing up the final touches for my makeup, I received a text from Ara.

The King Crab, 7 PM. Don’t be late! Fighting! <3

I stared at the text, wide-eyed. The King Crab, really? This boy better be prepared to take the bill because I wasn’t willing to shell out that much for one night. The King Crab was considered one of the top-rated restaurants in the city, therefore it was also one of the most expensive. My expectations were rising. He either had genuine class or he just really wanted to show off.

Given this development, I picked a dress that I thought would suit the venue. You can never go wrong in a little black dress and nude heels; elegant without trying too hard. With my clutch in one hand, I walked out of the door and into the night.

The place was about half an hour away from my apartment;  I was able to get there a quarter before 7. Throughout the whole ride, I was worrying about how I would contact him. I was hoping he would message me first because it was such a pain to initiate the conversation. Luckily, his text came right at the moment I stepped out of the car.

Hello. I’m sorry, I might be a couple of minutes late. Please ask for table number 7. I apologize again.

Alright, no problem. I’m already here. Please be safe on the road.

Based on his text, he seemed respectful enough. I went to the receptionist and asked for table number 7, just as he said. She directed me to one of the two-seaters by the window. It was in one of the less crowded areas of the restaurant and it provided a good view of the garden and fountain outside. For a blind date, this guy put in a lot of effort, I thought. It must’ve been hard to reserve this particular spot. My expectations were creeping one step higher.

As soon as I sat down, the waiter filled up our glasses with water and brought a basket of garlic bread. While I waited, I took my phone out. I didn’t think it was proper to browse the menu while my companion was not yet here. Engrossed in the ebook I was reading, I didn’t notice that my glass was already almost empty. I raised my hand to signal the waiter nearby. As soon as I looked up, I wish I hadn’t. What I saw made me want to sink deep into the floor.

What was he doing here?

He caught sight of my raised hand through his glasses. He smiled at me and started to walk towards my direction. I brought my hand back down on the table. It was shaking.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” he greeted as soon as he reached me.

“I’m sorry, I’m supposed to meet someone.” I blurted out, not quite processing what he just said. My eyes were still stuck on the table, unable to look up at his direction.

“Table number 7, right? I was the one who reserved it for us.”

For us? What kind of atrocity was he saying?

He gently pulled the chair across from mine and sat down. I didn’t have any choice but to look at him. In front of me was the face of a man I hadn’t seen in half a decade. This was the face that I had long buried away, but still surprisingly persisted in random thoughts, at random times, and in vivid dreams.

Guan Lin.

“It’s been a while. This might be a shock to you, I’m sorry,” he said, flashing an earnest smile. I’d almost forgotten that he had a dimple on his left cheek. “You look beautiful, as I knew you would.”

I had not said a single word. My mind was going completely blank. I just knew that my hands were cold and trembling. The familiarity that came with seeing him again was inevitably accompanied by pain. I felt something else wash over me. More than the pain, this was more like a flame.

It was the seething kind.

When I finally spoke, I was surprised at the audacity of my words.

“You’re the person I’m supposed to meet? Wow, this must be some cruel joke.”

The disdain and disappointment in my tone came out more strongly than I thought.

“I’m sorry, I know this was uncalled for but—”

“No, I’m sorry. I can’t sit through this,” I said, cutting him off, the contempt evident. “If you knew it was uncalled for, why did you do it?”

He was speechless.

“I’m leaving.”