#group texting

From Clint: Okay so maybe I’m a little cranky. But in my defense, Natasha has been gone a week later than she was supposed to be so I’m week late for my usual loving.

From Bucky: Use your hand, dude. That's what they're there for. Pick a hand and go to town. Use the other hand for the stranger experience.

From Steve: God Bucky, you spend so much time with Tony you're starting to talk to him.

From Tony: WHAT I have never said anything like that in my life. What the hell is the stranger experience? Bucky what sort of things do you watch when I'm not home??

From Sam: Also, there's so many things wrong with that sentence Frosty, I don’t even know where to begin. Like first of all, hands are there for so much more than solitary loving.

From Natasha: And second of all?

From Sam: Honestly, I didn’t think I needed a second of all, wasn’t the first thing enough?

From Tony: Okay okay okay Clint is cranky because he hasn’t been laid in a while and Bucky has no idea what hands are for and has apparently been watching less than family friendly films. BUT seriously can we start talking about Valentines Day?

From Bruce: Before we get started on whatever shenanigans Tony has planned, can we agree to keep the pink and red decorations to a minimum?

From Tony: Absolutely not.

From Steve: Bruce, it seems as if it's too late to butt in on the shenanigan planning. I’m not a real big fan of pink and red either but if Tony is already naming the group chat, all we can do is buckle in for the ride

From Bucky: Strap ourselves in and feel.the.g’s.  

From Sam: That sounds frightening, but yeah Brucie bear. Too late to stop this thing from happening.

From Clint: I will literally tear down every scrap of pink and red I find. I'll do it. I swear.

From Natasha: Clint, stop that. Don’t destroy Tony’s fun just because you’re horny. I told you I will be home in forty eight hours. Tony can I request a very blood red and very pale pink please?

From Tony: Horrifying blood red and the palest pink of the softest rose. Got it.

From Bruce: So that's it? I don’t get a say in the decorations?

From Steve: Probably not

From Sam: Probably not

From Natasha: Probably not

From Bucky: Probably not

From Clint: Well I don’t get a say in anything either, so join the party Bruce.

From Tony: OH MY GOD CLINT STOP SULKING YOU CAN SLEEP WITH ME AND BUCKY TONIGHT AS LONG AS YOU SHUT UP

From Bucky: Uhhhhh no he most definitely cannot, you take that back right now.

From Clint: No wait, I'm actually on board with this. Pretty sure getting to feel up on Tony’s booty will cheer me up and tide me over until the wifey gets home.

From Bucky: You will shut the hell up or I will shut you the hell up, do you understand me? Don’t you talk about Tony’s booty like that. Where's the goddamn gun emoji??

From Steve: Sheesh guys, for a Valentines Day themed group chat there is a lot of threats going around. I thought we were going to talk about dinner and how many flowers we're getting each other and maybe candy.

From Natasha: It’s literally adorable how being with Thor has turned Steve into a sap. Are you looking forward to Valentines Day, Captain?

From Steve: I really am. Really am. Thor spoils me so much and I can’t way to do something wonderful for him. In fact, I have some ideas that I would love some help carrying out if anyone wants to volunteer?

From Tony: I 100% volunteer to help you with making Valentines Day with Thunder Thighs as amazing as possible.

From Natasha: I want to help as well, but mostly because you blush incredibly red every time things get sweet between you and Thor and it makes for the best blackmail pictures.

From Bruce: Ah yes, blackmail. The very heart of that loving Valentines Day spirit. So are all you various couples going off and doing things for Valentines Day? Will I have the place to myself?

From Tony: Bucky and I are going out.

From Steve: Thor and I probably won't be going out, but we will  be hiding away in our room.

From Clint: You won’t see me and Natasha for a week.

From Natasha: Can confirm. An entire week.

From Sam: Brucie bear. I’d like to talk you about that, if I could.

From Bruce: About what?

From Sam: About you being alone while everyone else is paired off. We should talk about that.

From Bruce: Why would we need to talk about that?

From Steve:... what is happening?

From Bruce: Sam, what do you mean?

From Sam: I’m just saying maybe you don’t have to be alone on Valentines Day. I'd like to spend the day with you, and if that sounds like something you’d be interested in, we should talk.

From Steve: Seriously, what is happening?

From Tony: I’m just as confused as you, Spangles.

From Bucky: Are Sam and Bruce--

From Clint: Nope. But I mean… maybe?

From Natasha: Bruce is a catch, Sam is lucky to have him

From Tony: No I agree, Bruce is a catch but…

From Bruce: Sam, that sounds like something I’m interested in.

From Sam: Good to know. I’m off to the gym kids, Steve and Frosty you gonna meet me there?

From Steve: Uh, yep?

From Bucky: Sure. Tony, I’ll pick you up for dinner tonight okay? Heart emoji.

From Tony: Yes.

From Tony: WAIT! Bucky did you just type out heart emoji?

From Clint: Wow. It’s almost like your boyfriend is a hundred years old and doesn’t know how to use a phone.

From Tony: Yeah, well at least my boyfriends around to give me a dicking down so I’m not a sourpuss all the time

From Natasha: He has a point, husband of mine.

From Clint: Just hurry up and get home, Tasha.

From Bruce: For all our sakes because if Clint tries to bite me again I’m going put a muzzle on him.

From Natasha: Noted

From Tony: This was the least productive Valentines Day chat ever.

**************

“Thor!” Bucky raised his hand in greeting and from across gym, Thor waved back. “Y'know, I don’t even get why he works out. Is there anything in here that actually puts any strain on his muscles?”

“I dunno.” Sam shrugged. “Wouldn’t think so, right? What’s he gonna do, bench press the entire gym? I read in an article that one time Thor put an ass whoopin’ on a celestial and the shock wave from the beating would have literally destroyed a planet if Thor hadn’t stopped it from happening.”

“Did you read that in a comic book?” Steve looked up from taping his knuckles. “Sam? Did you read that in a comic book?”

“I said I read it in an article.”

“We know what you said.” Bucky smirked over at Steve. “But we’re asking if you read it in a comic book.”

“Okay yes!” Sam threw his hands up. “Yes! I read it in a comic book! But come on, Steve is literally banging the god of Thunder. As in, the one that entire civilizations worshiped and whole comic book series and some pretty terrible Saturday morning cartoons were made about. Thor. Literally a god. Of course I read it in a comic book!”

“Ain’t like he read it in the Bible.” Bucky pointed out. “Comic book makes just as much sense as anything else.”

“You’re both stupid.” Steve motioned for Sam to join him in the boxing ring. “We working out or what?”

“Answer me one more question.” Sam dodged a quick blow from Steve. “Cracking on other god-like creatures and exploding planets aside, why doesn’t Thor text? He loves everything about Midgard except for like, pineapples. And he loves the TV, so why doesn’t he love phones or texting?”  

“I don’t want to talk about it.” The next punch was a little harder, Steve frowning. “Let’s just spar.”

“Nope hold on, now I wanna know.” Bucky leaned over the side of the ring, pushing his hair out of his face. “Why don’t your man like texting? I barely like it but I join in cos Tony loves to talk like that and I don’t really feel comfortable being left out of group chats.”

“Yeah Frosty, when you aren’t part of the chat we talk all sorts of shit.” Sam informed him, scrambling out of the way when Bucky winged a boxing glove at him. “I mean all kinds of shit. You should hear how Tony talks about you when you aren’t around.”

“Does he talk about my dick?” Both Steve and Sam grimaced and Bucky grinned in satisfaction. “Yeah, my baby loves that Winter lovin’.”

“Anyway.” Sam rolled his eyes and turned back to Steve. “How come Thor doesn’t text? Please tell me it’s something about how his big sausage fingers can’t work on the touch screen.”

“It’s not that.” Steve cleared his throat. “It’s uh-- well one day I was messing with the vibe feature on my phone since I don’t like the ring tones? And I thought it would be funny to put my phone on Thor’s leg while we were group texting.”

“....and?” Bucky prompted when Steve stalled for a minute. “And what did Thunder Thighs do?”

“...you guys blew up my phone with the group chat and Thor--” Steve sighed out loud. “It scared the hell out of him because he wasn’t expecting the vibe to be that strong and he zapped it.”

“He zapped it?” Sam echoed. “Like, your phone buzzed a little and the god of Thunder got a scared and called his holy lightning and fried your phone?”

“It’s not--” Steve clenched his jaw irritably. “It’s not holy lightning.”

“It’s sort of holy lightning, Cap.” Bucky narrowed his eyes. “Is that why you were MIA from group chat for a week? Thor fried your phone?”

“That’s exactly why.”

“Well that’s better than my theory.” Sam snarked, tagging Steve’s shoulder with his right. “I figured your big ass just sat on the damn thing.”

“Sorry to disprove that little theory.” Steve said dryly. “Now come on, I thought we were going to spar.”

“Yeah all right.”

Bucky watched them in silence for a few minutes, then spoke up again when they took a break for water. “Stevie, what’re’ya doin’ for Thor for Valentines Day? You said you needed help with it.”

“Oh no, I’m not telling either of you what I’m doing for Thor.” Steve shook his head. “Nuh-uh. No way.”

“I’m offended.” Sam gasped, and Bucky insisted-- “We’re your best friends! How you not gonna tell us what you’re doing for your boyfriend? We were the ones cheering for you two to get together the entire time! It’s not like we’re gonna make fun of you!”

“Oh yeah?” Steve challenged, folding his arms. “You aren’t going to make fun of me? Alright then. Bucky, tell me what you are thinking right now.”

“....I don’t want to.”

“Bucky.”

“Alright alright.” The big soldier made a face. “I was just thinking that you must have found a mega supportive sports bra cos them tiddies are lookin’ mighty perky today.”

“Mmm-hmm.” Steve sounded less than impressed. “Sam? What about you?”

“Was wonderin’ how many times you had to wash and shrink your shirt to get it that tight.” Sam muttered. “I can see the outline of your nips, man. Not only your actual nips? But also the outline of them.”

“And that’s why I’m not telling you what I’m doing for Thor.” Steve decided. “Because you assholes can’t go more than five minutes without making fun of me.”

“You know what, that’s fair.” Sam shrugged and Bucky shrugged too. “You deserve a secret or two.”

“Are we keeping secrets, my love?” Thor came up on the conversation and Sam had to bite back another smart remark when Steve basically leapt over the side of the ring and right into Thor’s arms.

“Hello beloved.” Thor murmured, and Steve all but melted into him, looping both his arms over Thor’s neck and pulling him down for a long kiss, whispering something that had the demi-god rumbling and the lights flickering as his power pulsed around them.

“Annnnnnd Stevie’s done with the workout.” Bucky ducked under the rope so he could spar with Sam instead. “Any time the fuckin’ lights start going crazy it means they’re bout to get naked.”

“You don’t gotta tell me that.” Sam shuddered theatrically. “I used to room next to Steve back when they thought they were being incognito but were not in fact being incognito at all.”

“That sounds terrible and awkward.”

“You have no idea.” They fell into an easy rhythm together, not even breaking a sweat yet when Sam added, “What are you and Tony doing?”

“Tony made a point of tellin’ me he wants to show me how far hotels have come.” Bucky didn’t bother blocking Sam’s next swing, just batted it out of the air as if it were nothing more than a mosquito, laughing when Sam scowled at him. “I dunno what he means by that, but I know m’gettin’ laid and that’s all I care about.”

“Right. Because Valentines Day is about sex--” another punch swatted away and Sam’s scowl deepened. “--and not about admitting feelings or enjoying the already established feelings or nothing like that.”

“Nope.” Bucky was still laughing. “Just sex! Oh, but that reminds me--” suddenly he wasn’t laughing and Sam’s eyes widened when the next punch wasn’t a punch at all but a metal fist closing in his shirt, yanking him forward until he was eye to eye with Bucky.

“I dunno what the hell you’re doin’ with Bruce?” Bucky narrowed his eyes. “But tread lightly.”

“Bucky--” Sam wheezed a little and Bucky shook his head.

“Tread lightly, Sam. You aren’t gonna mess with him, you hear?”

“Damn, Buck.” Sam jerked away-- or rather, Bucky let him go. “Why do you think I’d be messing with Bruce?”

“Cos I’ve watched you walk into a bar and walk back out with someone to spend th’night with fifteen minutes later.” Bucky said flatly. “But Bruce isn’t into--” he made a vague motion. “Sex isn’t his thing. Neither is romance. You need’ta know that before you start getting handsy.”

“Okay for the record, I’m not getting handsy with Bruce.” Sam rubbed at his neck uncomfortably. “And how do you know that anyway? About him and sex, I mean.”

Bucky chewed at his lip for a few seconds, wondering exactly how much to tell Sam, then-- “Alright. Well back when I was having trouble adjusting to normal life and all--”

“Before you and Tony started humping it out?”

“--yeah, before me and Tony started humping it out.” he confirmed. “I ended up talkin’ to Bruce for a bit and he told me it was alright cos he wasn’t into sex either and that I wasn’t broken or nothing. Told me that sometimes after going through what we've been through, that sorta thing can go away, or maybe it wasn't there at all and that's fine. He made me feel less like a--”

Bucky made a vague sort of motion. “-- It was just one more thing that was wrong with me, you know? But he told me that it wasn't something wrong with me, just like it ain't something wrong with him.”

“Oh.” Sam crossed his arms as he thought about what Bucky had said. “I didn’t know any of that. Didn't know Bruce didn't do... any of that.”

“Well now you do, and I’m telling you to be careful with'em.” Bucky watched Sam for a minute. “Does that change your Valentines Day plans?”

“Not once did I say my plans involved sex.” Sam protested, and Bucky called to Thor-- “Thor! You ever spend a Valentines Day with someone and not got them into bed?”

“Of course not!” Thor boomed. “Holidays are a time for bodies to be entwined on various surfaces and beneath various blankets!”

“You hear that, Sam? Various surfaces.”

“I have every intention of having my beloved as many ways as he will let me.” Thor continued, framing Steve’s face with his hands and drawing him into a passionate kiss. “And as many times as you will let me, Steven. Sweetheart, I would have you in my arms every moment the sun is traveling it's path across the skies and even as the moon rises to greet the stars.”

“Oh god--” Bucky made a gagging motion. “How does Stevie listen to all that with a straight face?”

“You say that sorta bullshit to Tony too.” Sam scoffed. “Thor just says it all prettier. You and Tony are just as smooshy and gross.”

Bucky grinned, flushing a light pink. “Yeah, we sort of are, aren’t we?”

“Oh for fucks sake, I didn't say that so you'd start looking all stupid, I was trying to make you feel bad about yourself and your ridiculous behavior!”

“Well it didn't work.”

“Yeah. Apparently.”

***************

From Steve: Hey, are either of you two busy today?

From Natasha: Either of us two? Is it just Tony and I on this chat? My oh my Captain, keeping secrets from the rest of the team are we? How very spy like of you, I completely approve.

From Tony: Steve would literally make the worst spy ever, he’s entirely too patriotic to sneak in anywhere. People would see him coming a thousand miles away. Oh no! Here comes America! Hide the oil reserves!

From Steve: Tony, you know I have a stealth suit, right? You designed my stealth suit. Dark blue, blends into the shadows real well-- what do you mean I can’t sneak in anywhere?

From Tony: Spangles, I could literally put you in camouflaging nano-particles that make you invisible to the human eye, but you carry that big ass frisbee everywhere you go and sort of ruin the stealth factor.

From Natasha: HERE COMES AMERICAS FRISBEE! HIDE THE OIL RESERVES!

From Steve: Neither of you are funny.

From Natasha: I beg to differ, I think I’m quite hilarious.

From Tony: Absolutely hilarious.

From Steve: Are you two done? Can I talk now?

From Tony: Stars and Gripes is upset because he started a group chat but now he’s being left out.

From Natasha: Never got over that complex from being pre-serum and never picked to play kickball on the playground huh?

From Steve: Oh my god, why am I friends with you people?

From Tony: Because you’re planning something for Thor that requires my genius and Natasha’s skills? Or is it my money and Natasha’s advice? Use of one of my homes and Natasha as a bodyguard? I’ve got a thousand ideas, stop me if I get it right.

From Steve: You’re not getting it right.

From Natasha: Alright then Rogers, tell us why you need our help.

From Steve: I don’t really know what to get Thor for Valentines Day. He is over the top romantic and you know… a god? So just chocolates and a cheesy card isn’t going to cut it.

From Natasha: Can confirm, that’s no way to impress a god.

From Tony: Have you thought about doing something FOR him? Hammer man seems the type to be more impressed because you thought of doing something together that he will love versus being impressed because you bought him something. Also, you have no money, so that’s sort of your only option.

From Steve: I have money!

From Natasha: Not enough to impress a god.

From Tony: Or a Stark

From Steve: NOTED.

From Tony: Have you asked Thor what he wants?

From Steve: Yes, he said he wants to have me in as many ways as I would let him, for as long as I would let him, and wants me in his arms as the sun travels across the sky and as the moon rises to greet the stars.

From Tony: Are you serious? And you didn’t rip his clothes off right then and there?

From Steve: Well I mean, we were in the gym.

From Tony: And? How was that a deterrent? There’s mats on the floor. Holy shit, I think I might be a little in love with Thor after that line.

From Natasha: What a panty-dripper.

From Steve: I’m sorry, what did you just say?

From Tony: 100% agree. Not currently wearing panties, but if I were….boy howdy.

From Natasha: Boy howdy is the least sexiest thing you could possibly say after a woman admits to the current status of her underthings being less than Sahara like.

From Tony: Less than Sahara like? Nat I’m literally crying with laughter.

From Steve: I’M SORRY WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT KIND OF CONVERSATION IS THIS?

From Natasha: Idk Cap, you’re the one who started it.

From Tony: Yeah, what did you want to talk about again? I got sidetracked by Nat’s panties.

From Tony: There’s a line I never thought I’d say.

From Tony: Who am I kidding, I’ve said it at least four times this week. Nat, sweetheart, you’ve got to stop forgetting bits and pieces of your laundry in the living room.

From Natasha: Apologies. Captain, back to your issue. Do you have an idea on what to do for Thor for Valentines Day?

From Steve: …. … … …

From Tony: Cap? The little dots on your screen are thinking awfully hard. What’s on your mind?

From Steve: … … ...

From Natasha: Oh my god, we broke him. Talked about underwear for too long and Cap just snapped. Steve, emoji once if you’re okay, twice if you need help.

From Steve: I was just thinking-- What if I wear something… nice… for Thor?

From Tony: Like your dress suit with the extra brilliant star? He’d love that.

From Natasha: You’ve been wearing leggings a lot around him, not that all of us have noticed and are commenting and judging you wildly for them. Why not get a new pair with glitter or some other bullshit?

From Tony: OH! You could get that blue silk robe that he likes you to wear and wear nothing underneath it.

From Natasha: OR you could get that blue silk robe that he likes you to wear and just wear one thing underneath it.

From Tony: How is that sexier than nothing?

From Natasha: Some things are better left to the imagination, Tony.

From Tony: I can’t imagine there is a literal inch of Steve’s body that Thor has to IMAGINE, Nat. Pretty sure that pillar of patriotism has been searched THOROUGHLY.

From Natasha: Ugh, I just ugly snorted my water up my nose.

From Steve: I like Natasha’s idea.

From Tony: I swear, I’m actually forgetting that Steve is part of this conversation. Nat, we need to hang out more.

From Natasha: Noted, darling. Steve, you like my idea? What’s the one sexy thing you want to wear under your robe?

From Steve: What if I wore something like what you wear for Clint? Would you guys help me buy something like that?

From Tony: My brain just broke. Did Captain America just as us to help him pick out lingerie?

From Natasha: Steve, I mean this in the most loving way possible, because you are my friend and our Captain and I’ve literally risked my life for you and you’ve saved me so you know I mean this from the bottom of my heart--

From Steve: Yeah?

From Natasha: Oh honey, you are NOT ready to wear something like what I wear for Clint. But we can ease you into something a little more your level.

From Tony: My brain rebooted. Nat that’s an amazing idea. Steve, Thor will be so excited. What are you thinking? I’m thinking a romper, cut high and tight over them butt cheeks and leaving your back open because if there’s one thing I love about a super soldier, it's those ridiculous shoulders and back muscles.

From Natasha: Or a teddy, something to show off his pecs and and more than generous package.

From Tony: Garter belt, definitely. Thor wouldn’t able to handle those gams in nylons.

From Natasha: A cincher to show off that stupidly tiny waist.

From Steve: I don’t know what any of those words mean. I was thinking more along the lines of underwear.

From Natasha: Cheeky cut? Tanga? Thong? Boyshort? Bikini? Hipsters? French?

From Steve: Um… briefs?

From Tony: Ruffled? Lace? Blinged out? Satin? Velvet? Ruched? Silk? Transparent? Crotchless?

From Steve: Oh my god.

From Natasha: Well I’ll be home tomorrow evening, and after I spend some time with Clint, I think we need to go shopping, Tony.

From Tony: Oh we definitely need to go shopping.

From Steve: I sort of regret asking you guys for help

From Tony: Aw, no you don’t.

From Natasha: Not yet, anyway.

From Steve: WHAT?!

**************

“Hey Brucie-Bear.” Sam knocked on the door of the lab before sauntering in, hands in his pockets as he glanced around at all the shiny things. “You busy?”

“Oh, has the Brucie Bear thing carried over into real life conversations?” Bruce blinked at Sam from behind huge goggles. “That’s fantastic. Exactly what I wanted to have happen as a result of group texting.”

“You knew it was bound to happen Bruce, no use fighting it. By the way, those are amazing glasses.” Sam grinned and tapped at the goggles. “I always had a thing for nerds.”

“That’s weird. You’re being weird, Sam.” Bruce went back to whatever he was working on. “What’s on your mind?”

“I was thinking we should talk about what we’re doing for Valentines Day.” He replied easily, sitting up on one of the stainless steel tables. “Everyone else is making plans, we should get started on our own. Any good ideas?”

“Oh you were serious about that.” More owlish blinking, Bruce obviously taken aback. “I figured you were joking. Or you know-- joking.”

“Why would I be joking?”

“Why would you want to spend Valentines Day with me?”

“I don’t--” Sam frowned. “I don’t know how to answer that without sounding like a dumb ass, and I’m not used to being on the dumb ass side of the conversation. I usually reserve that for the super soldiers.”

“Right.” Bruce went back to working, but he was smiling a little bit. “Well if you weren’t joking, I’d be open to doing something with you. But um--” he hesitated. “I don’t know how to say this nicely so--”

“You don’t hafta be nice to me.” Sam shrugged it off. “I got thick skin.”

“I’m not attracted to you at all and have no interest in ever seeing you in anything other than all of your clothes all the time.” Bruce said bluntly. “At all. Ever. Not even a little bit.”

“That--that seems harsh?” Sam cleared his throat. “I mean, damn Bruce. Why you gotta lay it out like that, there’s easier ways to say that shit.”

“I just don’t want you to get any ideas.” Bruce answered flatly. “About anything. Ever.”

“Alright, well don’t take this the wrong way, but I wasn’t going in that direction with my sentence.” Sam laughed out loud at Bruce’s expression. “Don’t worry. Bucky told me that you aren’t into-- into all of that. But even before I knew--” he made a vague motion. “I just mean we should hang out on Valentines Day so neither one of us have to hang out alone while everyone else is acting all stupid.”

“You think everyone will be acting stupid?”

“This is Tony and Bucky’s first Valentines Day.” Sam started counting off on his fingers. “I don’t know exactly what they have planned, but Bucky said something about seeing how far hotel rooms have came and considering what we catch them doing around here, I definitely don’t want to be around before OR after they defile a hotel room in some terrible naked fashion.”

Bruce snorted and Sam grinned. “Natasha’s been gone most of January, which means that Clint is hurtin’ for some lovin’, you know? Plus they are always shockingly kinky when it comes to Valentines Day. Last year I caught Clint carrying what looked like a saddle into their bedroom.”

Bruce’s eyes widened and Sam leaned in closer. “A saddle, Bruce. To their bedroom. And that wasn’t even after an extended period of non humping. Clint hasn’t been laid in three weeks at this point. If a saddle is normal Valentines Day stuff, what the hell are they going to bring around for a Valentines Day after an extended period of celibacy?”

“This is a terrible conversation.”

“Oh it’s gonna get worse.” He said matter of factly. “Thor and Steve? Last week the power was out for six hours because Steve didn’t have any clean clothes and wore one of Thor’s stupidly big shirts over those stupid leggings we all judge him for. Lightning literally flashed in the kitchen and we lost power for six hours. Six. Over thotty ass leggings and an oversized shirt.”

“Oh god, save us.”

“Imagine how Thor will react to whatever ridiculousness Steve is probably planning for Thursday.” Sam finished. “And even if we somehow manage to avoid them during that whole mess, what about the aftermath? The smooshy kisses and dopey grins and non stop touchy feely crap? The blushes over literally nothing? The irritating giggles over what they say is an inside joke but is really just a reference to sex? You looking forward to all of that?”

“No, it sounds terrible.” Bruce admitted. “But still--”

“What about the group texts?” Sam interrupted. “What about the days and days of group texts of them teasing each other about which one is limping more, or who got the better dicking down between Tony, Steve and Clint--”

“Aw come on, you don’t gotta say it like that.”

“-- I do gotta say it like that.” he said firmly. “I do gotta say it like that Bruce, because you know it’s going to happen and you’re going to hear about it whether you want to or not. You’ve tried leaving the group chat. You’ve tried changing your phone number. You’ve tried marking all of our numbers as spam so your phone automatically dumps the messages.”

“Yikes, you guys know about that?”

“Definitely.” A sharp nod. “So I guess I’m not so much as asking you to spend Valentines Day with me, as much as I am giving you a way to avoid all that bullshit.”

“Well that seems--” Bruce scratched at the back of his neck. “Seems like it could be alright.”

“We could go to a bromantic breakfast.” Sam offered. “A just-bros-sitting-next-to-each- other-in- the- dark-movie, there’s a bunch of terrible rom-coms and terrible horror films so we could just go from theater to theater all day. A dinner non-date that ends in ice cream and alcohol and terrible late night television until we pass out on the couch. It's a bromantic non date.”

“A bromantic non date?” Bruce repeated. “I could be on board for that. But um maybe we could--” he lowered his voice, mumbled something that made Sam’s eyebrows about fly off his face. “You know?”

“Bruce, you dirty dog!” Sam crowed and punched him in the shoulder, then--- “Shit, sorry I didn’t mean to punch you so hard.”

“Yeah, thanks for that.” Bruce rubbed at his shoulder gingerly. “Why do you guys do that?”

“When you hang out with Cap and Frosty and assholes like Clint you get used to being punched.”

“That’s why I don’t hang out with you guys.”

“Noted.” Sam nodded. “So. Thursday?”

“Bromantic non date.” Bruce nodded too. “I’m in.”