Most mothers I know feel like they're drowning on a regular basis, but we are mostly good at not talking about it and presenting a facade of competence. I can see them drowning behind the wall of pictures of their smiling children. No pictures of them, though. They don't talk about themselves. There's never a mention of difficulty or struggles, or if they do it's a sanitized version, or a vague post that smells like fear of judgement.
I ponder the damaging nature of our cultural values in America on a regular basis because I sincerely believe the pathway towards sanity is to deculture yourself as an adult. American values are rooted in the unholy triumvirate of puritanism, the bizarre wealth doctrine that suggests that the Lord shows favor by bestowing "ca$h money, son," and, of course, the worst institution that humans have never been able to give up, slavery.
How do you deculture? Reject the cultural dictates that demand that everyone follow a similar and comprehensible pathway. You don't have to go to college, get a mortgage, get married, have kids. You can opt out of the expected pathways. It's difficult because there's no model, no one to look to to see how to do it - but it also liberating because you get to choose what your life looks like. Instead of a life path that's clearly laid out with no deviations - so that you can see from this moment until the end of your life with a boring clarity, you can embrace groundlessness (as Pema Chodron put it). The amount of criticism you receive will increase exponentially, but you'll also be able to find people who accept you fully for who you are because you become ruthlessly authentic. Then, the only people that want to stick around are the people that really actually do like who you are as a person and not what you do for them or the image or idea that you project that they want to associate with themselves for marketing and branding purposes.
Humans used to be adventurous and now there is a very loud proportion of our population that thinks it's okay to just demand that everyone believes and does only that which we ourselves feel comfortable with. The only thing I can't abide is when someone tries to force me to live and believe as they do. I can't tolerate living with that kind of fear. It's exhausting to think about.
Wealthy people hoard their money like hoarders collect garbage. A healthy system depends of circulation. Stagnation is death. Eternal, unending growth is the definition of cancer. Instead of collecting money, try collecting life experience. When you're dying you leave behind any material wealth you accumulated. The only thing that ever truly belongs to you are the vivid experiences you can string together to tell your life story, and the individuals whose lives you touched in some way.
A friend of mine ended his life a few weeks ago. I wish he could see the people still posting pictures or memories with him. He had a rich wealth of friendship and connection, but struggled in poverty like the rest of us. And it breaks my heart that we continue to participate in a society that teaches us that even in the face of a wealth of friendship, love, and connection, we are unworthy unless we hoard our wealth and exploit others to enrich ourselves.
