#grieving & processing

Instead, ze withdrew. More or less completely. Riley ignored texts and calls from all the others, aside from a question or two here or there. Even when ze took a moment to respond to a text, the answers given were short, one worded answers. Nothing of substance, and usually a lie about how ze was doing.  Logically, ze knew they would be there for zir if needed, but it felt like too much of a bother. All of them were going through the same grieving process. They didn’t need the burden of taking care of another friend when they were all struggling taking care of themselves.

On a whim, Riley left for the week of spring break to visit zir family. So much of a whim that the artist told no one of zir whereabouts for the week. Including zir adviser, Dr. Graham. During this time, ze spent some time getting emotionally rejuvenated. Both zir parents were warm to zir time home and they shared fond memories of Alex. Overall, it was what ze needed. With the emotional breakthrough, ze had planned to do something nice for the others when ze returned. Perhaps have a small gathering to make up for zir short absence. It would at least ease the feeling of guilt that resided in the pit of zir stomach that grew a little larger each time ze neglected to properly speak with zir friends. By the end of the break, Riley had started purchasing supplies and was getting ready to set a date for the event...

Until speaking with Dr. Graham. Between the shut down of the grid, attempting to keep up with web-comic (mostly old edits since ze hadn’t exchanged more than a few words with Javi in the time before spring break), and the emotional turmoil ze was struggling with, progress with zir thesis came to a grinding halt. Which didn’t make for a happy adviser, and instead left zim with a pissed off one. The day after returning from break, the two had a meeting which turned into Dr. Graham expressing his disappointment in zir progress - or lack there of. If ze did not get zir act together, ze would need to find another adviser. Ze had talent, along with a piss poor work ethic, which he had no time for. As did anyone else in the artistic community, he informed zim. 

Riley has never been one to take criticism well, even with how often an artist has to face it. Rather than reach out to friends for support, ze dove head first back in to work, practically moving in to zir office and not leaving until ze made something of worth and impressed zir adviser.

Most of this time, ze was struggling with feelings of inadequacy. All of the work ze managed to create was sub-par at best. Instead of fueling zir muse, grief and isolation was a sack of bricks. But ze continued to try everything ze could think of to get the creative juices flowing. After a week and a half of torn up canvases, new attempts meant reaching out for other sources of ‘creativity’. Some of the students living near Riley were not subtle about their weed usage and asking around, ze was able to get hooked up with a local dealer. 

For a while, it was helping. Rather than facing an onslaught of emotions at each failed attempt, ze could push forward or let zimself stop and take a breath. It seemed to be the solution, so an increasing amount of zir day was spent high. Progress on a piece was being made. Things would be okay. 

Unfortunately, ze hadn’t taken into account all the money that had been thrown away. With the added expenditures of the impromptu vacation, drugs, and lack of income from freelance art, zir card was declined when going to buy groceries. Later that day, the poor decision making manifested in zir breaking down while teaching. Riley needed a healthier outlet. Ze needed friends back in zir life.

Finally, ze plucked up the courage to reach out and contact the others. It was a source of fear for zim - that abandoning them for so long would have burned those bridges. But ze still had to try. A text seemed to impersonal, and an in-person conversation was terrifying. Instead, Riley settled for a happy medium - a letter. Riley slipped a letter to each of zir friend’s inboxes. Most of them went along the lines of;

 Sorry for disappearing from contact and ghosting you. I was having trouble processing...everything. I care deeply for you and feel terrible that I was ignoring everyone for the past five weeks. I’m ready to be a better friend now if you all will still have me.