#greatwings

I know this seems like a bad April Fool’s joke that came too late. But it’s not. I can’t even believe I’m typing this right now. Warning: extremely long post.

It’s a long story, involving lots of people that ultimately led to this but the gist of it is that my dad got a job offer. A really good one. In Florida. And yes, I know – I’m 20, blahblahblah if I don’t want to go I can stay and get a job and blahblahblah. Problem is I don’t know if I can. And I don’t know if I want that. I just don’t know. The idea of this is kind of exciting, but also scary as fuck. And sad. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I want to. But I know that if my parents are going, and if there’s no way I can be in both places at the same time, I’ll go with them. Because I know I can’t make enough money to support myself here and pay for school alone and  rent and everything. I know a lot of people do that, but I can’t I don’t have any job experience, practically, I don’t even know how to live alone. If my parents are only an hour away by car, then it’s easy. But if they’re an entire plane ride away, I know I can’t do it. This is how my family is and this is how I am.

And you see, the idea of living in Florida is pretty cool. The only thing I don’t like about Canada is the long-ass winters, and I won’t have that there. Also, we have family there and I can get myself a season pass to Disney World and more bands will go there for concerts and we’re trying to get  house in Tampa and I’d be close to the ocean and everyone keeps saying people are more open and talk more and because of this, I would make friends right away, even though I’m me and I never do. And my mom especially says she hates that my sister and I (me, mostly) aren’t really taking advantage of our youth and having fun and I know that. I do know that, and I want to. I really do. I just suck at talking to people and I’m fine the way I am here. One weekend of social interaction with friends I haven’t seen for a long time will keep me happy for two months at least. I’m just like that. Although, I know that I would be happier if I did have more friends close by and people I could talk to more close by and people I go to school with. I just feel…lost. And overwhelmed.

I looked this up and apparently it’s really difficult to transfer to a school in the states, and I might have to start over. And if I do, then these past two years have been futile and useless. What was the point? What is the point? I don’t even want to study for my exams anymore. I’m also on academic probation right now and it really is hard to get transferred, how the fuck am I going to do that with my academic status the way it is now?

My dad hasn’t received the official, official offer yet, so it’s not completely definite now but it almost is. And he has to be there in three months.

What about all of our summer plans? I have a concert on June 19 that I’ve already bought a ticket to. We’ve already reserved out camp site for August. We just bought a house. Our favourite house of all the ones we’ve had, so far. My dad has made friends who aren’t crazy and he’s organized a band that he plays with and he was planning another, and my mom just made a bunch of really nice Brazilian friends here in Burlington who don’t have the problems our other friends do, like competing about everything and Isabelle finally made friends and we just painted our bedrooms and I had all these decoration plans and I had finally settled on a program in school and I haven’t even been able to take a course in Book & Media studies yet and I just got used to U of T and I am finally starting to do better in school and god. It always happens like this. We start to settle down and things are finally looking up and organized and we’re getting our life in order and then something throws it completely upside down.  And I know that our family is strong enough that we can take this. We have. So many times. The biggest change of all being the first, of course, from Brazil to Canada.

And I was nine. Old enough to understand what we were doing and the consequences but not old enough to truly grasp how huge this change was going to be. I remember being really overwhelmed at first, with English and school and things. God, I feel like that now and we haven’t even decided completely on what we’re doing.

And the job market for what I want to do is just so much better, and my dad is going to make more money and my mom will be happier and we’re going to rent the house here in Burlington and my dad is going to look into the university thing for me because I can’t do that right now.

But Isabelle won’t even talk about this right now, and all her applications and acceptances to universities don’t even mean anything anymore. There’s no point in looking at whther she’s been accepted in OCAD or Sheridan or anything anymore. And I’m having a hard time handling this right now.

And god, the ocean. I want this and I don’t. I’m afraid that I’ll feel like a fish out of water there, the same way I know I would have had I grown up in Brazil. And little things I notice make me happy and more nervous.

I recently found out that Florida has the death penalty and that bothers me so much more now that I think of going from here, Canada, this awesome beautiful freezing cold country that I grew up in and have this completely season-based love/hate relationship with but that I consider more home than the country I was born in.

GodI’mtryingreallyhardnotocryonthetrainrightnowasItypethisonWordandfuckfuckfuckdamnit.

And Thabata. My mom called her and told her, and my dad asked her later if Thabata cried and my mom said no, but that she herself had cried. Thabata had told her that we had nothing to think about. She’ll be fine even though she can’t leave the country right now and might still get deported even with David trying to sponsor her here and if she does have to go back to Brazil she suspects that Kaue’s dad is planning some shit to take him away from her because the Brazilian justice system is a piece of shit that could possibly take a son from the hard-working mother to whom he is really attached and couldn’t even sleep over at a friend’s down the street without and hand him over to a dumbass, asshole, drug-addict-and-dealer of a father who lost his leg because of drugs and still doing it anyway. Tell me, how can a boy have this teenage years among that?

And if we are in Florida and she has to leave, we won’t even get to take them to the airport and say goodbye even though it would be so much easier for my other sisters to come and visit in the way they’ve never been able to from here. And the cost of living is a lot cheaper there and it would be so much better overall, but fuck these stupid tears.

I am so tired and I stayed up till 12 last night and I only got one paragraph of my essay done and I woke up at 5 in the morning today and I finished it at 11:30am because my dad got the call from Deloitte yesterday and my mom drops this bomb at me as I’m trying to develop my thesis and then my brain just stopped working. And I’m tired as fuck because I slept in the basement and I was a little freaked out, so I left the lights dimmed down and I woke up all the time last night and I have class till nine today so thank god I don’t have class or work tomorrow. But we’re going to Ottawa on the weekend and I may or may not see my Ottawa friends and I don’t know if I can say this out loud and I know that Thabata’s going to cry as soon as soon as she sees us and I won’t be able to take it and Kaue’s going to cry too and we’re all going to cry even though I never cry and fuck.

Just fuck it.