#grantland.com

Hi, Zach.  

It's nice to meet you.  Even though this isn't technically us "meeting."  But then, who really knows the proper etiquette when it comes to open letters? __________ I know you aren't a big football fan.  But you do seem like a big basketball fan.  And this relates to basketball.

Also, you seem like a down-to-earth guy.  Your writing is about your subjects, and not about you.  

So I figure if you read this, and the substance is here,

then you'll enjoy it. __________ __________ The biggest story in sports is the cheating.

So why don't "sports journalists" talk about it?

I'm writing this letter to you at

Sun  4:20  PM Jan. 18, 2015

As I'm writing this, the Seattle Seahawks are beating the Green Bay Packers.

I'm not watching the game.  I'm not checking the score.  I just...know they are.

Because they cheat.

Why am I the only person writing this?  Why are "sports journalists" wasting their time talking about PERs, when if they had any backbone at all, they'd be talking about PEDs? __________ I mean no disrespect.  Honestly, Zach -- I don't.  I am currently making a full-hearted effort to make the NBA myself,

(ongoing story being documented at nbamvt.tumblr.com)

and I can tell you -- your reporting, and the saber-metric movement as a whole -- is helping.  

It's helping me to understand the game better.  It's helping me to find new reasons to love a game I've already loved, since I was a child watching Hakeem 

DreamShake his way into history. __________ But with true respect -- which I have for you -- comes heightened expectations.

And as a "sports journalist,"  shouldn't it occur to you -- and other Grantland writers, if no one else -- that you are this generation's version of 

the baseball writers, writing glowing pieces about how good a job Mark McGwire does of "visualizing" himself hitting home runs, while in the on-deck circle?

Don't you realize how silly it is to talk about Kyle Korver's diet?  

Hello?

Is anyone out there?

Hellooooo??? __________ __________ The Seahawks are beating the Packers, as I write this.  

Maybe I'm crazy, but I'm starting to think that the true "sports journalists" of the world,

are the ones responsible enough 

to not watch the games. __________ __________ Look.  

I'm not a "sports journalist."

I'm a stand-up comedian, who happens to teach Brooklyn and Bronx kids the SATs, 

mostly because I enjoy it. (also for the money)

I understand why your articles aren't about Human Growth Hormone:  and it has a lot to do with this beautifully-incisive quote from Upton Sinclair:

"It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends on his not understanding it!" __________ I'm lucky, in this context:  my salary does not depend on me "not understanding" the rampant HGH use in professional sports.  Your salary does.

One of Grantland's main focuses is on basketball.  And so much of its revenue is (I presume) based upon the number of people (myself included) who frequent the site, looking for expertise on the sport.

You provide that expertise, along with Kirk, Bill, and others.

And thank you.

And that is real. __________ I am entertained by your writing.  And I am entertained by your employer.

And I respect both.

And that is real. __________ __________ But we can do better.   We can do better than those baseball journalists did, as they sat in baseball clubhouses, staring at giant tubs of Andro, and then returned to their hotel rooms, and wrote about "attitudes." __________ __________ __________ __________ (Update: Sun  4:53  PM)

Hello again, Zach.  

Thanks for reading all of this.  I'm sure you're quite busy.

While researching some statistics about NFL suspensions, I clicked on a link  that took me to a site

that told me

at halftime, it's: Green Bay beating Seattle, 16-0.

So... maybe my case is a little less...bulletproof. __________ __________ I guess I just want fairness.

I know that's asking too much, in this world.  

I mean, I'm a white male of English heritage, for God's sake --

I know life isn't fair, because I make it not fair. __________ Just keep doing what you're doing, I guess.

But I hope you take the advice of the New York Subway System, when reporting about basketball, and about steroids:

If you see something,

Hi, Bill.

It's nice to meet you.

I'll keep it tight; I imagine you're a busy guy. __________ Busy patting yourself on the back

Please forgive me, if any insults crop up as I write this precise, respectful piece of journalism.  Consider it the sports-fan-corollary to that guy from Dr. Strangelove who kept saluting Hitler.  

I am not a Steelers fan.  Though my left hand may type some pretty crazy things, as I sit here.  

Don't worry.  For your sake, I'll strike-through everything I consider inappropriate or unprofessional.

You know -- since I am going to be your co-worker, and all. __________ What's that?  What will my "role" be, over there at Grantland?

(read the title) __________ __________ "The Comedy Guy" can still write about sports, by the way.  Just like a "sports guy" could write about stand-up comedy.

And in fact, I'll be a sports outsider.  Which will allow me to make me (and you) a tremendous amount of money.  

Because I've done the impossible.  I've "quit" sports.

It's just like when George stopped having sex, in that one Seinfeld episode.  

I turn 31 in two weeks.  I'm just learning how to 360 dunk a basketball.  I'm learning how to play the guitar.  And I'm kind of good.  Starting at 30.  I'm engaged, and my relationship with my wife is healthy.  Like, we talk and stuff.  And I want to tell the world that it's possible.

"Quitting" sports is the greatest decision I've ever made.  

And I want Grantland.com to be the source with the womb to let me say so. __________ Think about that, Bill.

Stop patting yourself on the back, for calling Roger Goodell a liar.  You did not feed any poor or hungry children, with that "stand."

I tell you this not because I hate you.  It's because I love ya, Bill.*  

Been a fan a long time.  And I just want you to know -- you need new people around you.

People who will actually be honest with you.

Think about it, Bill.  That's what you actually want.  If you're from Boston at all, then that's what you actually want.  Bostonians are practically English, for God's sake.  You want honesty.  At the end of the day, you applaud honesty.

Please remember that, while I undress you for the next few paragraphs. __________ You're either a liar, or an idiot, or both.  

There is a mathematical formula, that goes into rivalry games.  And you know that.  

If you've been getting paid to watch sports for the past 20 years, then you know that by now.  

So you  

Bill, your "Simmons stink" ...

Hold on.  I can say this nice. __________ __________ You need a sports analyst at your website, Bill.  Someone who analyzes "Sport."  Capital S.

Because you ain't it.

Not anymore, anyway.  Maybe you were, one day.  One day, back before the media rebel days.  And I swear to Goodell, I don't mean that in a bad way.  I love what you're doing.  Love Grantland.  I think you're close.

Close.

But what you need is:  A STEVE SMITH, SR. __________

You see Bill, when analyzing a rivalry game, you have to account for the 

"Alpha Factor"

which you never have.  Which is probably why you self-sabotaged yourself AGAIN this year.  

Do you want to go 11-0 or don't you?  You know you do.  

So why do you keep doing this?  Why do you keep throwing games?  

You knew that Steve Smith was going to factor into this game.  He was the newest member of the rivalry.  And he brings, oh, I don't know, 50 percent of the combined "crazy" on both teams.  

Combined.

So any fan watching the game realized that Hines Ward was right, at halftime.

He said the most obvious stuff.  Which also happened to be the most true stuff.  

Watch out for Steve Smith.  And it's gonna come down to Big Ben. __________ Well, he was right.  And after Steve Smith (Sr.) caught that long pass, down the right sideline, midway through the third quarter--

it was over.  It was over.

The game was over.  

56 year-old Carolina Panthers receiver Steve Smith had just alpha-ed his way into rivalry lore.

He caught a pass on the next play, just to prove a point, before exiting the game for a breather. 

10 years ago, I would have seen him jogging to the side of the field and thought "What a chump!"

Now -- as a late-blooming NBA prospect myself -- I understand the value of concentrated bursts.  (insert lazy joke about porn here?) __________ __________ That drive ended with a touchdown pass to Torrey Smith.  And I'm sure a lot else will happen, before the game is over.

But the Steelers are going to lose.

It hasn't happened yet, as I post this.   But it will.

Because we didn't have the alpha.  They did.  

The Ravens did.  

I just never would have guessed, it was from a wide receiver that was drafted the same year as Terrell Owens (approximately).

You got us, Simmons.  You got us.

Not that I'm a Steelers fan, of course.  

Just saying. __________ Next time, leave the "predictions" to your Cousin Sal.

You need to give up gambling.

Or, if you really want to gamble, do it with your website.  

Be a real gambler.

Make me an offer.

Because I'm the best blogger on the internet right now.  

And the first try-out I get, 

the first time you read this sentence, you're reading right now,

Bill)

you're going to realize, for the first time,

"Talking is not only cheap, it’s also overrated. It’s listening that takes real skill.