LMWTV4U: GOT S7E5
Welcome back! In case youâre new, this is âLet me watch TV 4 U,â the blog where I watch TV so you donât have to. Iâll be recapping Game of Thrones, Season 7 Episode 5 and SPOILERS ABOUND SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
Tonightâs episode was titled âEastwatchâ but a more fitting title would have been âDonât I know you from a few seasons ago?â If youâve been following GoT for awhile, you might know that âunlikely alliancesâ is one of George R.R.R.R.R. Martinâs go-to-setups. He really gets off on taking 2 characters who are TOTAL OPPOSITES on paper and watching them learn to get along, just like the premise of all sitcoms. Well all of these unlikely pairs have been meeting, forming bonds, and saying goodbye for the past 7 seasons and NOW weâre apparently at the part where we have to watch them meet back up again. It kind of sounds like a kewl idea but idk about you, it just turns into a mess as a viewer because you have to remember how/when/where everyone met before. Itâs like watching a livestream of a very tense high school reunion.
All that being said, some shit went DOWN tonight, so letâs go!
First of all, we get a new location on the map in the beginning, Eastwatch! If youâll recall this is the place where Gingerbae (my fave wildling and #2 crush after Bae- Jon Snow) went to guard the wall at the behest of Bae a few eps ago.
Our first scene takes place right after last weekâs epic dragon battle...
We learn that Jaime and Bronn are both still alive and we have to watch Jaime spit up seawater and Iâm like who do you think you are, Euron Greyjoy?!? (lol that joke only works if you watched last season, sorry). Bronn is like dude, do you have a death wish? And Jaime is like kind of⌠cuz my sis Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) is a âshoot the messengerâ type and now I have to tell her about all this dragon business.
Speaking of, we get some more hot-dragon-action (and I meant hot as in temp-wise, not sexual...yet...wait til Bae gets his fingers on a dragon). Tyrion is looking around at all the hell Khaleesi hath wrought and seems pretty sad about it. Remember he is a Lannister, so a lot of people who got burnt up were his home-bois.
He walks over to Khaleesi who has rounded up the surviving Lannisters and is looking FLY Â AS HELL post-battle scene. Seriously, who does her hair? Probs a Dothraki cuz #goodatbraids. Khaleesi tells all the captured soldiers to kneel before her and declare loyalty to her or get killed. Sams mean dad (SMD) and Samâs Bro Dickon (SBD) refuse to kneel because theyâre #tooproudtobeg and Khaleesi is like, srsly guys? But they are truly #tooproud, so they both get burned up by the dragon, per Khaleesiâs orders. All of this is very not cool with Tyrion and he makes that pretty clear.
Next, we pop over to Kingâs Landing where Jaime is about to drop some #truth on QPCâŚ
He tells her things are not looking so hot (or are they looking VERY HOT? Get it? Cuz dragons...sorry Iâll stop now) and that the Dothrakis (Khaleesiâs horse people) and dragons will kill them all. QPC suggests they hire mercenaries but Jaime is not feeling it. Then Jaime drops truth bomb #2 and tells QPC that he recently got the scoop that Grandma Tyrell admitted to killing their son Joffrey. See QPC was CONVINCED that Tyrion killed Joffrey which is what eventually led T to flock to #teamkhaleesi. Jaime is maybe able to convince her of this fact and that they might have to surrender to Khaleesi. Sheâs basically like well, damned if you do, damned if you donât, ya know? The theme of this scene is TROUBLE IN PARADISE.
Now to the Bae-on-dragon action I promisedâŚ
Bae is waiting at the arrivals gate for Khaleesi and #1 dragon like a sad little chauffeur when Mr. Dragon lands right on his toes. Rather than giving Mr. Dragon a wide berth, he walks right up to him and TOUCHES HIS NOSE like heâs frigginâ Moana (Moana fans where you at?) Mr. D is like about to bite at first but then heâs like, naw, youâre cool. Probably because Bae is secretly a Targaryen and theyâre all about dragons. Bae asks Khaleesi about her business trip and sheâs like I TCOBâed if thatâs what you mean and says âsometimes strength is terribleâ but that as leaders, they have to be strong.
Khaleesi then starts to ask Bae about the knife-in-the-heart comment that No-Knuckles (NK) made a few weeks ago and before Bae has to uncomfortably describe his weird Lazarus-situation to her, Stoney shows up, fresh off being cured of his stone disease by none other than Baeâs bestie Sam. The artist formerly known as Stoney (but letâs just keep calling him Stoney for now) is like will you still have me, Khaleesi? And sheâs like DOI, OF COORS. And Bae is like oh I knew your dad he was a kewl dude he gave me this sword.
We get a brief interlude with everyoneâs fave sooth-sayer, Brandon Stark! He hops into the eyeballs of some birds who fly North to get an update on the ice-zombie-army. As we all suspected, the ice zombies are CLOSER THAN EVER and headed to Eastwatch. This should not be a surprise because every time we check on them theyâre just walking further South and unlike humans do not need to stop to eat or pee or get their hair intricately braided.
We pop into Oldtown, where Sam hears about Branâs report. He tells all the other Maesters that they should listen to him but they, as always, are like naw this shit canât be real. Also Maester-Jim-Broadbent is like BTW, Samâs dad and bro just got burnt up but donât say anything to him.
Back to DragonstoneâŚ
Where  Tyrion and sleevey recap sam's dad and bro getting killed and agree that it was not cool, bro. Sleevey helpfully recalls a time when Khaleesiâs dad was always burning people alive. Sleevey reveals that Bae got a letter in the mail and yes, he did read it which is a FEDERAL OFFENSE, SLEEVEY! You canât afford to go to prison!
Bae gets his hands on the letter from his bro Bran and learns A LOT. A. Bran is alive. B. Arya is alive. And C. The Night-King (leader of the ice zombies) is coming to Eastwatch. Again, this should be a surprise to no one. He talks things through with Khaleesi and co. to devise a plan and everyone has something to contribute, you guys! Hereâs the plan
Tyrion will talk to his bro to try to convince him that ice zombies are real, who will then convince QPC.
NK will use his smugglinâ skills to smuggle T into Kingâs Landing (at this point it should really be Queenâs landing, right?)
Bae will head up north and capture an ice zombie to bring to everyone for proof. Stoney will use his battling skills to help with this.
Khaleesi is not about to let Bae go, though, probs cuz she wants more hot cave-action. But Bae is like sorry G2G!
Back in Winterfell and trouble is afoot!
Sansa is sitting at her in-charge-table and all the âNorthern Lordsâ (although everyoneâs fave 11-year-old-kween is nowhere to be seen) are still griping about Bae being down South with Khaleesi. Sansa doesnât accept their offer to basically put her in charge, but she doesnât defend Bae too much either. Arya, who was always besties with Bae when they were all kiddos, is not ok with that. She calls her out on it and notices that Sansa is staying in their mom and dadâs old room. Sheâs like ummm⌠you always liked nice things. Which is such a classic Winterfell-burn.
They chat and learn that they have very different views on uniting people and consolidating power. Arya is little more murder-y but Sansa is a little more scheme-y. Which better? IDK I havenât read âThe Art of War.â Basically, Arya knows that Sansa is still a bit power-hungry and calls her out on it. But I did read âLean Inâ and Iâm like, is that so bad?
Later, we pop back into Kingâs Landing where Arya is tailing Littlefinger cuz #shedontlikethelooksofthisguy, Heâs being shady, as always, handing out poision, scheming with the Northern Lords, and then she sees the Maester give LF a piece of paper and sheâs like oooohh I gotta get my hands on that. LF hides the paper in his room but, bitch, didnât you know Arya is a trained assassin from the face-swapping-cult now?
She finds the paper which looks like this letter that Sansa wrote back in Season 1 when she was being forced by QPC. Itâs basically her asking #teamStark to swear loyalty to Joffrey, all of which is irrelevant because most of Team Stark, along with Joffrey, is dead. Then we see LF behind the scenes looking all satisfied. Why you may ask? Well it seems like LF is trying to drive a wedge between the sisters by making Arya distrust Sansa even more. IDK I donât condone violence but I really just want someone to stab LF.
Back to team Khaleesi, Tyrion and NK roll up on Queenâs LandingâŚ
Tyrion reminds us all that the last time he was here, he killed his dad. NK is like well the last time I was here, you killed my son! Youâd think there would be some sort of resolution with that but nope, NK was just throwing it out there! Tyrion heads off to see his bro and NK heads off on a secret mission that IS VERY CUTE, just wait and see.
Bronn sets up a meeting between Tyrion and Jaime, who havenât seen each other since Jaime saved Tyrion from getting killed (per QPC and their dadâs orders). T proceeded to shoot their dad to death on the toilet, so Jaime is understandably a little peeved. Tyrion explains why he came and asks if Jaime could ask QPC if she might possibly be into checking out an ice zombie if they can get one. Jaime is still peeved but considers this helpful offer.
Meanwhile, we get a reunion of 2 of our faves, NK and Gendry!!!! So non-GoT-watchers, Gendry is this dude who is secretly the son of Robert Baratheon, QPCâs ex-hubby and the former king. Only a few ppl knew this, and to protect him from QPC, he got sent North to the wall with Arya. He and Arya developed a cute lilâ friendship and then he met up with some Lord-of-Light (LOL) worshippers, the same ones who the Hound (remember from ep 1 of this season) is now traveling with. Then the red witch lady came and took him to Stannis to have leeches eat his blood but before the red witch could kill him, NK set him free and sent him on a rowboat back to Kingâs Landing. So here we areâŚ
They reunite and itâs adorbs, since Gendry is like thanks for saving my life, you were right I ended up being safe here. And NK is like oh good, so I have a favor to ask, will you come with us? Itâs for- and before he can finish Gendry is like NP my bags are packed letâs go. And NK is like do you want more info...or⌠and Gendry is like nope this place is the pits, letâs go, lemme get my hammer. And I AM FEELING THIS HAMMER yâall, Gendry is basically Thor of GoT now. And he shall henceforth be known as New-Thor.
NK and New-Thor head to the boat to leave Queenâs Landing and encounter some guards who arenât gonna let them off that easy. Just when they bribe their way out of there, Tyrion shows up and the guards are like...you look familiar? So New-Thor kindly uses his hammer and demolishes those dudes, leaving T and NK both stunned and impressed.
While weâre still at Queenâs Landing, we see Jaime knocking on QPCâs door, but sheâs busy with Maester Qyburn, having some deep discussion. We also learn Qyburn is the hand-of-the-queen (did we know this before? It was news to me). Jaime is like what weâre yâall talking about, and QPC is like Iâm sorry, HIPAA, I canât tell you. Then she tells him that she knows he met with Tyrion and that he should punish Bronn for setting that up. She also hints that sheâs willing to do a collab with Khaleesi but then sheâs like âwe will defeat whatever stands in our wayâ which doesnât sound very collab-y to me.
Then, in a major reversal, SHE DROPS A TRUTH BOMB ON HIM and tells him sheâs PREGNANT and the baby is HIS. He is shook but also very happy because he loves her a lot. Heâs like who you gonna say knocked you up? And sheâs like itâs 2017, bitch, Iâll say it was my twin bro cuz #hatersgonnahate. Do we believe she is really preggo? I do not. Classic desperation move when you see your man starting to slip away. But nonetheless he is happy about it so thereâs that.
Next, we head back to Dragonstone...
Where Bae meets New-Thor in Baeâs fave place, a cave! They reminisce about how their dads were friends and New-Thor calls out Bae on being a little shorty-pie. We think Bae is gonna be like âah hell nawâ but instead heâs like LOL youâre right bro. New-Thor offers to head North with Bae to kill some ice-zombies with his hammer. NK is a little peeved because he told New-Thor not to tell anyone who his dad was and not to get himself into trouble. NKâs like well donât mind me, I only lived to be an old man so what do I know about surviving? Itâs a very cute scene and it all plays out like a dad playfully chastising his sons for picking a college thatâs too far away.
On the shore we get some goodbyes. Tyrion and Khaleesi both say goodbye to Stoney and Khaleesi is especially sappy about it. Then she says goodbye to Bae, who is busy loading up his boats with zombie-killing-rocks from the caves. Sheâs like, soâŚIâll call you next week? And Baeâs like ummâŚ.maybe? But you know theyâre both fighting the urge to pop into a cave for a quick makeout sesh.
Next, we see Sam and Gilly in Oldtown reading booksâŚ
Gilly happens upon the MOST IMPORTANT INFO EVER in a book, which Sam, in a very-un-Sam-like way, completely ignores. Itâs infuriating. Basically she finds out that Baeâs real parents, Rhaegar Targaryen (Khaleesiâs bro) and Lyanna Stark (Daddy Starkâs sis) were legit married when she had Bae, which means he is the ONE-TRUE-HEIR to the iron throne or whatevs. Sam, however, is too peeved about the Maesters not listening to him (or Bran for that matter) and gathers up some of the best books in the library (and he is in for the late fee OF A CENTURY cuz you know he wonât return âem) and heads out of there. Â Itâs a frustrating scene. I just..canât...
Finally, we make it to Eastwatch...
Where we get to check in with Gingerbae my #2 boo. Bae tells him the plan to trap the ice zombie and bring it back as proof and Gingerbae is like you are cuckoo. NK is there to confirm that yes, Bae is cuckoo, and no, heâs not going North with them. But on the docket we do have New-Thor with his hammer and Stoney with his un-stoned-hands and arms to help! Gingerbae is like well I know some other dudes who want to get up there...cut toâŚ
The Hound and his LOL-ers Eyepatch and Gingerbun (am I the only one who finds Gingerbun kind of attractive?) are in Eastwatch-prison, doing a very poor version of Cellblock Tango from Chicago, the musical. This is the scene where the whole-donât-I-know-you-from-somewhere gets really messy. No need to dive into all of it, the point is, these people have HISTORY with eachother. But Bae reminds them that since theyâre all humans and not zombies, theyâre on the same side. So they head out into the deep, cold, winter to trap and ice zombie. And weâre left there.
Letâs recap:
Biggest surprise this ep: QPC IS PREGNANT?!?!?!
Biggest letdown: Seriously Sam. You could not listen to the most important news ever because you were distracted?
Important fashion moments: Khaleesi lookinâ so fly fresh out of battle, Sansa is really rocking those fitted armor gowns
Who died this ep? Samâs Bro Dickon (RIP) and Samâs Mean DadÂ
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