#gotrecap

Welcome back! In case you’re new, this is “Let me watch TV 4 U,” the blog where I watch TV so you don’t have to. I’ll be recapping Game of Thrones, Season 7 Episode 5 and SPOILERS ABOUND SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Tonight’s episode was titled “Eastwatch” but a more fitting title would have been “Don’t I know you from a few seasons ago?” If you’ve been following GoT for awhile, you might know that “unlikely alliances” is one of George R.R.R.R.R. Martin’s go-to-setups. He really gets off on taking 2 characters who are TOTAL OPPOSITES on paper and watching them learn to get along, just like the premise of all sitcoms. Well all of these unlikely pairs have been meeting, forming bonds, and saying goodbye for the past 7 seasons and NOW we’re apparently at the part where we have to watch them meet back up again. It kind of sounds like a kewl idea but idk about you, it just turns into a mess as a viewer because you have to remember how/when/where everyone met before. It’s like watching a livestream of a very tense high school reunion.

All that being said, some shit went DOWN tonight, so let’s go!

First of all, we get a new location on the map in the beginning, Eastwatch! If you’ll recall this is the place where Gingerbae (my fave wildling and #2 crush after Bae- Jon Snow) went to guard the wall at the behest of Bae a few eps ago.

Our first scene takes place right after last week’s epic dragon battle...

We learn that Jaime and Bronn are both still alive and we have to watch Jaime spit up seawater and I’m like who do you think you are, Euron Greyjoy?!? (lol that joke only works if you watched last season, sorry). Bronn is like dude, do you have a death wish? And Jaime is like kind of… cuz my sis Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) is a “shoot the messenger” type and now I have to tell her about all this dragon business.

Speaking of, we get some more hot-dragon-action (and I meant hot as in temp-wise, not sexual...yet...wait til Bae gets his fingers on a dragon). Tyrion is looking around at all the hell Khaleesi hath wrought and seems pretty sad about it. Remember he is a Lannister, so a lot of people who got burnt up were his home-bois.

He walks over to Khaleesi who has rounded up the surviving Lannisters and is looking FLY  AS HELL post-battle scene. Seriously, who does her hair? Probs a Dothraki cuz #goodatbraids. Khaleesi tells all the captured soldiers to kneel before her and declare loyalty to her or get killed. Sams mean dad (SMD) and Sam’s Bro Dickon (SBD) refuse to kneel because they’re #tooproudtobeg and Khaleesi is like, srsly guys? But they are truly #tooproud, so they both get burned up by the dragon, per Khaleesi’s orders. All of this is very not cool with Tyrion and he makes that pretty clear.

Next, we pop over to King’s Landing where Jaime is about to drop some #truth on QPC…

He tells her things are not looking so hot (or are they looking VERY HOT? Get it? Cuz dragons...sorry I’ll stop now) and that the Dothrakis (Khaleesi’s horse people) and dragons will kill them all. QPC suggests they hire mercenaries but Jaime is not feeling it. Then Jaime drops truth bomb #2 and tells QPC that he recently got the scoop that Grandma Tyrell admitted to killing their son Joffrey. See QPC was CONVINCED that Tyrion killed Joffrey which is what eventually led T to flock to #teamkhaleesi. Jaime is maybe able to convince her of this fact and that they might have to surrender to Khaleesi. She’s basically like well, damned if you do, damned if you don’t, ya know? The theme of this scene is TROUBLE IN PARADISE.

Now to the Bae-on-dragon action I promised…

Bae is waiting at the arrivals gate for Khaleesi and #1 dragon like a sad little chauffeur when Mr. Dragon lands right on his toes. Rather than giving Mr. Dragon a wide berth, he walks right up to him and TOUCHES HIS NOSE like he’s friggin’ Moana (Moana fans where you at?) Mr. D is like about to bite at first but then he’s like, naw, you’re cool. Probably because Bae is secretly a Targaryen and they’re all about dragons. Bae asks Khaleesi about her business trip and she’s like I TCOB’ed if that’s what you mean and says “sometimes strength is terrible” but that as leaders, they have to be strong.

Khaleesi then starts to ask Bae about the knife-in-the-heart comment that No-Knuckles (NK) made a few weeks ago and before Bae has to uncomfortably describe his weird Lazarus-situation to her, Stoney shows up, fresh off being cured of his stone disease by none other than Bae’s bestie Sam. The artist formerly known as Stoney (but let’s just keep calling him Stoney for now) is like will you still have me, Khaleesi? And she’s like DOI, OF COORS. And Bae is like oh I knew your dad he was a kewl dude he gave me this sword.

We get a brief interlude with everyone’s fave sooth-sayer, Brandon Stark! He hops into the eyeballs of some birds who fly North to get an update on the ice-zombie-army. As we all suspected, the ice zombies are CLOSER THAN EVER and headed to Eastwatch. This should not be a surprise because every time we check on them they’re just walking further South and unlike humans do not need to stop to eat or pee or get their hair intricately braided.

We pop into Oldtown, where Sam hears about Bran’s report. He tells all the other Maesters that they should listen to him but they, as always, are like naw this shit can’t be real. Also Maester-Jim-Broadbent is like BTW, Sam’s dad and bro just got burnt up but don’t say anything to him.

Back to Dragonstone…

Where  Tyrion and sleevey recap sam's dad and bro getting killed and agree that it was not cool, bro. Sleevey helpfully recalls a time when Khaleesi’s dad was always burning people alive. Sleevey reveals that Bae got a letter in the mail and yes, he did read it which is a FEDERAL OFFENSE, SLEEVEY! You can’t afford to go to prison!

Bae gets his hands on the letter from his bro Bran and learns A LOT. A. Bran is alive. B. Arya is alive. And C. The Night-King (leader of the ice zombies) is coming to Eastwatch. Again, this should be a surprise to no one. He talks things through with Khaleesi and co. to devise a plan and everyone has something to contribute, you guys! Here’s the plan

Tyrion will talk to his bro to try to convince him that ice zombies are real, who will then convince QPC.

NK will use his smugglin’ skills to smuggle T into King’s Landing (at this point it should really be Queen’s landing, right?)

Bae will head up north and capture an ice zombie to bring to everyone for proof. Stoney will use his battling skills to help with this.

Khaleesi is not about to let Bae go, though, probs cuz she wants more hot cave-action. But Bae is like sorry G2G!

Back in Winterfell and trouble is afoot!

Sansa is sitting at her in-charge-table and all the “Northern Lords” (although everyone’s fave 11-year-old-kween is nowhere to be seen) are still griping about Bae being down South with Khaleesi. Sansa doesn’t accept their offer to basically put her in charge, but she doesn’t defend Bae too much either. Arya, who was always besties with Bae when they were all kiddos, is not ok with that. She calls her out on it and notices that Sansa is staying in their mom and dad’s old room. She’s like ummm… you always liked nice things. Which is such a classic Winterfell-burn.

They chat and learn that they have very different views on uniting people and consolidating power. Arya is little more murder-y but Sansa is a little more scheme-y. Which better? IDK I haven’t read “The Art of War.” Basically, Arya knows that Sansa is still a bit power-hungry and calls her out on it. But I did read “Lean In” and I’m like, is that so bad?

Later, we pop back into King’s Landing where Arya is tailing Littlefinger cuz #shedontlikethelooksofthisguy, He’s being shady, as always, handing out poision, scheming with the Northern Lords, and then she sees the Maester give LF a piece of paper and she’s like oooohh I gotta get my hands on that. LF hides the paper in his room but, bitch, didn’t you know Arya is a trained assassin from the face-swapping-cult now?

She finds the paper which looks like this letter that Sansa wrote back in Season 1 when she was being forced by QPC. It’s basically her asking #teamStark to swear loyalty to Joffrey, all of which is irrelevant because most of Team Stark, along with Joffrey, is dead. Then we see LF behind the scenes looking all satisfied. Why you may ask? Well it seems like LF is trying to drive a wedge between the sisters by making Arya distrust Sansa even more. IDK I don’t condone violence but I really just want someone to stab LF.

Back to team Khaleesi, Tyrion and NK roll up on Queen’s Landing…

Tyrion reminds us all that the last time he was here, he killed his dad. NK is like well the last time I was here, you killed my son! You’d think there would be some sort of resolution with that but nope, NK was just throwing it out there! Tyrion heads off to see his bro and NK heads off on a secret mission that IS VERY CUTE, just wait and see.

Bronn sets up a meeting between Tyrion and Jaime, who haven’t seen each other since Jaime saved Tyrion from getting killed (per QPC and their dad’s orders). T proceeded to shoot their dad to death on the toilet, so Jaime is understandably a little peeved. Tyrion explains why he came and asks if Jaime could ask QPC if she might possibly be into checking out an ice zombie if they can get one. Jaime is still peeved but considers this helpful offer.

Meanwhile, we get a reunion of 2 of our faves, NK and Gendry!!!! So non-GoT-watchers, Gendry is this dude who is secretly the son of Robert Baratheon, QPC’s ex-hubby and the former king. Only a few ppl knew this, and to protect him from QPC, he got sent North to the wall with Arya. He and Arya developed a cute lil’ friendship and then he met up with some Lord-of-Light (LOL) worshippers, the same ones who the Hound (remember from ep 1 of this season) is now traveling with. Then the red witch lady came and took him to Stannis to have leeches eat his blood but before the red witch could kill him, NK set him free and sent him on a rowboat back to King’s Landing. So here we are…

They reunite and it’s adorbs, since Gendry is like thanks for saving my life, you were right I ended up being safe here. And NK is like oh good, so I have a favor to ask, will you come with us? It’s for- and before he can finish Gendry is like NP my bags are packed let’s go. And NK is like do you want more info...or… and Gendry is like nope this place is the pits, let’s go, lemme get my hammer. And I AM FEELING THIS HAMMER y’all, Gendry is basically Thor of GoT now. And he shall henceforth be known as New-Thor.

NK and New-Thor head to the boat to leave Queen’s Landing and encounter some guards who aren’t gonna let them off that easy. Just when they bribe their way out of there, Tyrion shows up and the guards are like...you look familiar? So New-Thor kindly uses his hammer and demolishes those dudes, leaving T and NK both stunned and impressed.

While we’re still at Queen’s Landing, we see Jaime knocking on QPC’s door, but she’s busy with Maester Qyburn, having some deep discussion. We also learn Qyburn is the hand-of-the-queen (did we know this before? It was news to me). Jaime is like what we’re y’all talking about, and QPC is like I’m sorry, HIPAA, I can’t tell you. Then she tells him that she knows he met with Tyrion and that he should punish Bronn for setting that up. She also hints that she’s willing to do a collab with Khaleesi but then she’s like “we will defeat whatever stands in our way” which doesn’t sound very collab-y to me.

Then, in a major reversal, SHE DROPS A TRUTH BOMB ON HIM and tells him she’s PREGNANT and the baby is HIS. He is shook but also very happy because he loves her a lot. He’s like who you gonna say knocked you up? And she’s like it’s 2017, bitch, I’ll say it was my twin bro cuz #hatersgonnahate. Do we believe she is really preggo? I do not. Classic desperation move when you see your man starting to slip away. But nonetheless he is happy about it so there’s that.

Next, we head back to Dragonstone...

Where Bae meets New-Thor in Bae’s fave place, a cave! They reminisce about how their dads were friends and New-Thor calls out Bae on being a little shorty-pie. We think Bae is gonna be like “ah hell naw” but instead he’s like LOL you’re right bro. New-Thor offers to head North with Bae to kill some ice-zombies with his hammer. NK is a little peeved because he told New-Thor not to tell anyone who his dad was and not to get himself into trouble. NK’s like well don’t mind me, I only lived to be an old man so what do I know about surviving? It’s a very cute scene and it all plays out like a dad playfully chastising his sons for picking a college that’s too far away.

On the shore we get some goodbyes. Tyrion and Khaleesi both say goodbye to Stoney and Khaleesi is especially sappy about it. Then she says goodbye to Bae, who is busy loading up his boats with zombie-killing-rocks from the caves. She’s like, so…I’ll call you next week? And Bae’s like umm….maybe? But you know they’re both fighting the urge to pop into a cave for a quick makeout sesh.

Next, we see Sam and Gilly in Oldtown reading books…

Gilly happens upon the MOST IMPORTANT INFO EVER in a book, which Sam, in a very-un-Sam-like way, completely ignores. It’s infuriating. Basically she finds out that Bae’s real parents, Rhaegar Targaryen (Khaleesi’s bro) and Lyanna Stark (Daddy Stark’s sis) were legit married when she had Bae, which means he is the ONE-TRUE-HEIR to the iron throne or whatevs. Sam, however, is too peeved about the Maesters not listening to him (or Bran for that matter) and gathers up some of the best books in the library (and he is in for the late fee OF A CENTURY cuz you know he won’t return ‘em) and heads out of there.  It’s a frustrating scene. I just..can’t...

Finally, we make it to Eastwatch...

Where we get to check in with Gingerbae my #2 boo. Bae tells him the plan to trap the ice zombie and bring it back as proof and Gingerbae is like you are cuckoo. NK is there to confirm that yes, Bae is cuckoo, and no, he’s not going North with them. But on the docket we do have New-Thor with his hammer and Stoney with his un-stoned-hands and arms to help! Gingerbae is like well I know some other dudes who want to get up there...cut to…

The Hound and his LOL-ers Eyepatch and Gingerbun (am I the only one who finds Gingerbun kind of attractive?) are in Eastwatch-prison, doing a very poor version of Cellblock Tango from Chicago, the musical. This is the scene where the whole-don’t-I-know-you-from-somewhere gets really messy. No need to dive into all of it, the point is, these people have HISTORY with eachother. But Bae reminds them that since they’re all humans and not zombies, they’re on the same side. So they head out into the deep, cold, winter to trap and ice zombie. And we’re left there.

Let’s recap:

Biggest surprise this ep: QPC IS PREGNANT?!?!?!

Biggest letdown: Seriously Sam. You could not listen to the most important news ever because you were distracted?

Important fashion moments: Khaleesi lookin’ so fly fresh out of battle, Sansa is really rocking those fitted armor gowns

Who died this ep? Sam’s Bro Dickon (RIP) and Sam’s Mean Dad 

Welcome back to Let Me Watch TV 4 U, the blog where I watch TV for you! Tonight we’re talking bout Game of Thrones season 7 episode 6, “Beyond the Wall” aka Disney Presents The Walking Dead on Ice! Let’s jump right in to this icy abyss, shall we?!

SPOILERS AHEAD!

We open on a curious panning across of a map, and no I’m not talking about the opening credits. It looks like the giant map/table in Dragonstone? 

However we quickly cut to our Eastwatch crew...

...who are marching one by one further and further North. We’ve got Bae, (the artist formerly known as) Stoney, New-Thor (let’s just say Thor, shall we? He’s not so new anymore), Gingerbae, Gingerbun, Eyepatch, the Hound and approx 5 rando nightswatch dudes and/or wildlings who are doomed because no backstory = dead first.

First, we get some ice-breakers (sorry can’t stop won’t stop) when Thor tells us he’s never even seen snow before and I’m like bb boi come here to Chicago I’ll show you some midwestern winters! Thor is also still feeling a little salty toward Eyepatch and Gingerbun for selling him off to the red witch while the Hound keeps score and is like, Thor you didn’t really have it so bad. Gingerbun hands Thor the olive branch in the form of a flask.

Meanwhile, Gingerbae asks Bae about Khaleesi and Bae is all coy but GB sees right through that. Gingerbae helpfully reminds us that he still loves Brienne of Tarth (aka Ladyknight) very much.

Bae and Stoney swing their swords around (not a euphemism) and Bae tries to give his huge fancy sword to Stoney since it belonged to Stoney’s dad. Stoney is like naw, it’s yours man, give it to your KIDS. And we’re supposed to be thinking, whoa! Is Bae on the market for marriage/kids? Cuz sign us all up! Later Eyepatch tells Bae that Bae doesn’t really look like Ned Stark which, duh, cuz we know Bae is Ned’s nephew. But also Bae’s bio-dad was Khaleesi’s bro and apparently had silver-white hair like her so WHERE DID BAE GET HIS LEWKS FROM? Heaven, apparently.

Before we get into the meat, pun intended, let’s pop into Winterfell, shall we?

Sansa and Arya discuss gender roles and Arya tells us a tale of their dad, Ned Stark, sort of tacitly approving of her being a fighter rather than a lady. And then she’s like, speaking of, dad was killed by the Lannisters with YOUR help, Sansa. Arya brings up the letter she found last week that poor bb Sansa was forced to right by QPC and is not happy about it. And Sansa is really caught off guard but also like STEP ALL THE WAY OFF, I have been THROUGH IT. They argue about the past few years and who’s had it the worst but also as Leslie Knope would say, uteruses before duderuses, ya know?

Later, Sansa is talking to Littlefinger, who set up all this nonsense anyway and he’s like well Ladyknight can be your referee since she lurves both of you? But then Sansa sends Ladyknight away to King’s Landing to be her proxy in this upcoming summit with QPC. Towards the end of ep, Sansa decides to do some snooping of her own a la Arya last week and finds Arya’s suitcase full of faces from the face-swapping-assassin-training-academy which Arya dropped out of after a misunderstanding with a professor who wanted her killed. Sansa is like srsly, WTF? And Arya explains the face-swapping thing which sounds crazy the first time you hear it, but so did dragons and we got them now so all’s fair, right? Arya grabs a knife and basically threatens to cut Sansa’s face off but then hands Sansa the knife and scoots outta there. So at the end of the day, no Stark-on-Stark crime this week but stay tuned!

We pop in to see Khaleesi and Tyrion chatting by the fire…

She’s like, you know what I like about you? You’re not brave. And he’s like umm thanks? And then she’s like all of my fave bois are brave but stupid and she includes Bae on that list. And T is like, so you’re taking a liking to him, eh? They discuss strategy and have a little tiff wherein Khaleesi again questions T’s loyalty. And then he’s like btw, you said you can’t have kids so...who gets to be in charge when you die? And she’s like let’s cross that bridge when we come to it, and he’s like it’s called a LIVING WILL for a reason, babe.

Back North of the wall...

Bae and Gingerbae spot a bear but they’re like, that’s weird… he’s got blue eyes-ahhh zombie bear! Zombie bear kills one of the no-name/ no-backstory guys (like we care!?) and maims Gingerbun. Eyepatch smartly cauterizes the wound with his flaming sword while the Hound is too busy having PTSD about fire. Really unfortunate to be afraid of fire in a world without electricity, huh?

Bae and Gingerbae spot a small crew of ice zombies and decide to take one of them prisoner. During the scuffle, Bae kills a leader-ice-zombie and suddenly all of his pals drop dead too. They find out that you kill the leader, the rest die too- good to know! But in capturing their prisoner-zombie, his squeals seem to alert the 5 million other ice zombies to their location and next thing you know, the crew is about to be trapped. Bae smartly tells Thor to run back to the wall and tell Khaleesi the scoop. Poor Thor has to give up his hammer before he leaves so that the rest of the crew has more zombie-smashing tools.

SOMEHOW, I still don’t understand the logistics of it all, but Bae and crew get stuck on this little island surrounded by a frozen lake. The 5 billion zombies surround them but can’t walk further into the lake without falling in. It’s a real pickle. Luckily, Thor does make it back to the wall to tell No-Knuckles to send word to Khaleesi.

Speaking of Khaleesi, that raven flew fast because she already got the scoop. She is DECKED OUT in her cold-weather best and is heading North to save the day with all 3 dragons. Tyrion is like BAD IDEA HUN but she goes anyway. While Khaleesi flies like the actual wind on her #1 dragon, poor Gingerbun has succumbed to his injures or maybe freezes in the night and is no longer with us. So, much like Rose must let go of frozen Jack (but why does she say “I’ll never let go” as she is literally letting go? I’ll never understand the word choice), Eyepatch has to burn Gingerbun’s body before he becomes a zombie too.

Sidenote: Why didn’t everyone bring weapons made of dragonglass or valyrian steel? We know now that only these 2 things plus fire kills the ice zombies and Bae just mined heaps of dragonglass from Khaleesi’s basement for this very purpose. Sometimes I think I should be the King in the North, ya know!?

But back to the battle, the Hound decides to skip stones across the lake like an idiot, which leads the ice zombies to learn that the lake is frozen solid again. Now that the zombies can cross the lake, they attack the crew and they are VICIOUS. Bae and co retreat to another little island but are completely surrounded and basically dead. Bae is tweakin’ out probably thinking about what a bad idea all of this was, when all of the sudden, Khaleesi’s dragons have landed!

They all fly around burning up ice zombies by the hundreds and narrowly missing our crew. After Khaleesi successfully wipes out a good number of zombies, she lands to let her priority boarding pass holders on dragon #1 with her. Meanwhile, Bae is still fighting off some zombies. The #1 in charge ice zombie aka the Night King, throws a giant ice spear at #2 or #3 dragon (honestly idk, let’s say #3) and makes it on the first try. It’s sad that #3 gets speared and all but I’m kinda like wow nice shot. Dragon #3 falls into the icy water and sinks and Khaleesi is weepin’ about it.

At the same time, Bae is now fully overrun by interloping zombies and this FLIGHT IS ABOUT TO DEPART, honey! He falls into an ice-hole and Khaleesi sees the Night King winding up his ice javelin so she has to go. I know what you’re thinking, wow Bae is super dead, right? He fell into a frozen lake whilst being attacked by zombies. WELL YOU ARE WRONG.

Bae crawls outta that ice hole, grabs his fancy sword, and starts walking. Soon enough the zombies see him walking in a non-zombie-like fashion so they are on it. BUT Bae’s uncle Benjen (who is pretty much the only person whose relationship with Bae is unchanged by his whole bio-dad and bio-mom thing!) rolls up on his horse with his incense-swinger! Uncle B saves Bae (remember Uncle B saved Bran last season?) and sticks him on his horse, but stays behind to fight off zombies with his incense-swinger. Bae, who is like 65% Leo-from-Titanic-frozen at this point, heads back to the wall.

The rest of the crew are back at Eastwatch and we learn that the Hound is the one who’ll be bringing the “sample zombie” back to show QPC. Khaleesi is watching from the top of the wall to see if Bae makes it back while Stoney is like, let it go, he’s dead, I’m alive and recently not-Stoney...when suddenly Bae rides back to camp.

On the ship back to Khaleesi-ville, Khaleesi sees Bae on the operating table and notices that he has a stab-scar on his heart. Remember when Bae died and then got brought back to life but then Bae has been super secretive about it? Well the secret's out babe! She watches him being warmed up/revived and sits there watching him sleep for awhile #gottaenjoytheview. When he wakes up (still topless!) he’s like wow I’m so sorry #3 dragon died this was a horrible plan. And she’s like no, I’m glad I saw the army of zombies. I will fight with you, Bae.

And Bae is like wow, also I know I said I wouldn’t kneel to you but honey, I will. Then he calls her Dany and she’s like...eww...my creepy bro used to call me that. And he’s like well then I’ll just call you MY KWEEN. And I’m like yassss gaga. Also they hold hands. Also, she’s like I can’t have kids, ok?!? So just… cards on the table. They hold hands some more and it looks like we might get a little kiss but naw, she’s G2G.

In our last scene, we see thousands of zombies working together (good for you! teamwork!) to pull dragon #3 out of the frozen lake. The Night King walks over and touches him and BAM! ZOMBIE DRAGON. SHIT IS GONNA GET REAL.

Let’s recap:

Biggest surprise this ep: Uncle Benjen? How did you know Bae was in this part of town?

Biggest letdown: I wanted more witty banter from Thor! Also, enough with the will-they won’t-they, GoT. This isn’t Cheers!

Important fashion moments: Khaleesi’s Wintertime Fantasy Realness was GIVING ME LIFE. THAT. COAT. 

Who died this ep? Gingerbun, a lot of ice zombies, Uncle Benjen (although he was kinda already dead?) and dragon #3. RIP Gingerbun I will miss being confused-ly attracted to you.

Welcome back to let me watch TV 4 u! I watch TV so you don’t have to!

Today let’s explore Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 4 titled: The Spoils of War. Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure that’s the name of a Clint Eastwood flick, no?

Today’s recap will be a quick one (due to my own time constraints, not for lack of DRAMA) so let’s go! 

First, we watch Jaime and Bronn marching away from Highgarden, fresh off of poisoning Gma Tyrell…

Bronn is like, why the long face bro? We know that Jaime is having #emotions about Gma Tyrell’s confession that she poisoned Joffrey. Jaime is like I CANT SAY. And he gives Bronn some cash money for his services. We get a shot of the giant truck of money which is important to the later scenes. Then Jaime tells Bronn and Sam’s Dad and Sam’s bro (lol his name is Dickon which is ironic because he is not really a dick but his dad sure is) to go collect the harvest from the local peeps.

Next, we stop in to see QPC talking to her banker friend in King’s Landing…

She mentions said truck o’ money and is like ITS COMING, DUDE. CHILL. And he’s like let’s discuss stocks and bonds. And then they have a discussion about investing. It’s kind of boring.

Next, we see Littlefinger giving Bran a knife…

Which is the knife that was used  to try to kill Bran waaaaaayyyy back in season 1. If you’ll recall in season 1 ep 1, Baby Bran saw Jaime and QPC boning and Jaime pushed him out of a tower causing him to be concussed and paraplegic but also gain some of his vision-abilities. While he was still concussed, QPC (we assume) sent someone to kill Bran to ensure he never told their secret. So Littlefinger (LF) gives Bran this knife and is like, let me know if I can be of any assistance. Then Bran quotes some OG LF (“Chaos isn’t a pit. It’s a ladder”) and LF is clearly freaked because this means Bran could also know about his betrayal of Ned Stark in season 1.

Meera comes in to check out Bran’s new wheelchair and to tell him she’s heading back home. Bran is like kewl bai. And she’s like srsly? I risked my life for your and my bro died for you. And he’s like I’m not Bran anymore, I’m the 3 eyed raven. I no longer have feelings.

Speaking of no feelings, we see our old pal Arya roll up at Winterfell and we feel ALL THE FEELS. She’s stopped at the gate by 2 very salty doormen who are like naw bitch, private club, members only. And she’s like I AM AN OG MEMBER OF THIS CLUB. After some cajoling, they let her in and she sits in Winterfell for the first time since she left back in Season 1 and then disappears. Was anyone else worried that she’d left? I was. But fear not.

The doormen go to Sansa and they’re like umm some bitch who says she’s your sis is here but now she’s gone? And Sansa’s like, I know where she went, TO THE CRYPTS! So Sansa goes downstairs and finds her sis and they reunite and hug and it’s adorable. It’s esp adorable since we know that IRL these actresses are besties but they haven’t had a scene together since S1, so to see their chemistry as real life friends play out is so sweet. Arya tells Sansa she’s just been bopping around killing people and Sansa is like LOL WUT? And Arya is like hahahaha jk. Did anyone else shed a single tear when A and S were discussing their past traumas and A says “Well, our stories aren’t over yet” ?!?!?! Cuz I shore did.  

Then they go to see Bran who is still being real creepy and #nofeelings. Sansa tries to warn Arya that Bran is a real bummer now, so Arya’s like hi bro, I haven’t seen you in a million years. And he’s like yes you were heading to King’s Landing to kill Cersei but changed your mind. And she’s like ummm, k? And Sansa helpfully tells her that Bran has “visions” now. But then Bran basically spills the beans that Arya was not JK-ing about being a trained assassin now. And Sansa is a little creeped. Then Bran gives Arya that same knife he got from LF cuz he’s like...  you know how to use it better than me.

Ladyknight sees Arya, Sansa, and Bran walking through Winterfell together and Pod, her squire (which is basically like an apprentice?) is like YOU DID IT YOU GOT BOTH GIRLS HOME SAFE. And Ladyknight is like naw it wasn’t me, but Pod is like take some credit, hun. And she’s like K thanks. Later, we watch Ladyknight and Pod sparring. Arya meets Ladyknight again and is like can I train with you? And they have a cute lil’ sparring scene in which Arya shows off her skills gathered over the past 7 seasons and Ladyknight is like WOWZA! Meanwhile, Sansa is watching and she seems kinda jelly? Or maybe she’s just nervous about her sis being an assassin? Sansa is watching this all with LF, and as they leave we’re reminded that Arya doesn’t like the looks of this guy.

Next, we stop in on Dragonstone, where things get HOT AND HEAVY

Khaleesi is heading to meet Bae and chatting with her hottie translator, Missandei (Missi) about Greyworm. Missi SPILLS THE TEA and is like we did EVERYTHING BUT. And is like it was goooooood. And Khaleesi is visibly shook but in the best way. They meet up with Bae who’s like lemme show you some caves. The last time Bae went into a cave with a beautiful lady, he lost his v-card so this has got us thinking. Khaleesi is like I’m not scared of Bae I’ll go alone. Bae shows her that he’s got enuf rocks for his rock collection (aka project to save everyone from the ice zombie army), but he’s like, there’s something else you should see. He shows her these cave paintings from children of the forest (CoF) who we basically like neanderthals in GoT-world. He’s like look, the CoF’s drew pics of them working TOGETHER with humans to defeat the ice zombies.

While he’s giving the tour, he touches her hand to guide her flashlight. AND IT IS SO HAWT I nearly exploded. He’s like, we must all work together to fight the ice zombies, and she says, “I will fight for you, I will  fight for the North.” But first you gotta #bowdownbitches. And he’s like ummmmmm can’t? And she’s like please, let’s work together. And they truly almost makeout right then and there it’s so hot.

When they emerge from their cave of sexual tension, Tyrion is there to tell her about recent battles. As you’ll recall from last week, things did not go as planned with taking over Casterly Rock, since Jaime diverted the army South to take Highgarden. Khaleesi is like I’m starting to wonder if you aren’t actually loyal to your bro and sis, Tyrion. Then she asks bae what to do. He’s like well just don’t use dragons to kill innocent people that’s what the bad guys do.

Next, no-knuckles (NK) and Bae have a discussion about Khaleesi. NK is like, she’s fly, no? And Bae is like “she has a good heart” and NK is like, boi you been checkin’ out more than her heart. They see good ole Missi who asks ‘bout Bae’s name “Jon Snow” and he has to explain it’s because he’s a bastard. They ask her about why she loves Khaleesi so much and she says it’s cuz they chose her as their leader and also knows she could leave if she wanted.

Next up, Previously-traumatized-Theon washes ashore. Bae is pissed at him because he betrayed his bro Robb Stark many seasons ago and killed some people in Winterfell, but Bae says he won’t kill PTT because he helped Sansa escape. PTT explains that he needs Khaleesi’s help to get sis back from their Uncle-Crazy-Pants, but Bae is like, umm…. Khaleesi is gone…

Which leads us to the last scene…

Bronn and Jaime are checking out the people farming that they discussed before. Bronn and Sam’s dad and bro confirm that they were able to collect grains/harvest etc… and Sam’s mean dad mentions that the gold is safely in King’s Landing. Sam’s mean dad (SMD) is like here’s a good idea to get things moving along, let’s flog the stragglers but Jaime is like ummm…..naw. Once SMD rides off, Jaime asks Sam’s Bro Dickon (SBD) how he feels about battles and SBD turns out to be a real sweetie pie just like his bro. He’s like I don’t love to kill people but I will if I have to.

All of the sudden, Jaime and co hear a rumbling far off. The skies are kind of gray and they’re on the wrong side of a hill so they can’t really tell what’s coming, but they #getinformation #beyonce and prep for battle. Then, a BILLION DOTHRAKI (the horse ppl who love Khaleesi) roll up on their horses, raring to fight. Jaime looks, frankly, spooked. His army is like ummm…wtf. AND THEN KHALEESI FLYS OVER ON A DRAGON OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!

Before the Dothraki ride their horses straight into the Lannister army, Khaleesi is like breathe fire, babe, and her dragon scorches a bunch of the Lannister fleet. Then the fighting really starts. It’s a lot of Dothraki really giving it to the straight-laced Lannister army who’ve never seen people fight like this before. And then a lot of Khaleesi telling her dragon to breathe fire and wiping out her enemy. IT IS BADASS and also Jaime looks positively terrified.

At one point, Jaime is saved by SBD during battle scene. Jaime tells Bronn to get the giant dragon-shooter-machine and Bronn is like no way, you do it. And Jaime’s like I GOT ONE HAND BRO, CAN’T (it’s very but-you-ain’t-got-no-legs-lieutenant-dan). It seems like Bronn is gonna just bounce, esp since he loses his gold, but instead he heads to the dragon shooter and gets it locked and loaded.

Meanwhile, Tyrion is watching this mayhem and he seems kinda sad. A Dothraki dude is like wow, your people are bad at fighting and Tyrion sees his Bro Jaime out there and seems remorseful. While Tyrion watches his bro struggle on the battlefield, Jamie also looks around at the destruction and fire and seems deeply sad as well.

But back to the battle, Bronn is firing away at the dragon with the giant-dragon-shooter. After some misses, he finally hits the dragon and successfully wounds him. In retaliation, the Dragon blows up dragon-killer-machine (Bronn narrowly escapes). Wounded, the dragon has to land on the shore and Khaleesi hops off to survey the damage to her baby boi. Jaime sees Khaleesi and is like, well, here’s my chance. He’s riding toward her on his horse and Tyrion sees this all and keeps saying, “flee you idiot” because, presumably, he doesn’t want to see either of these people killed.

Jaime rolls up, about to stab Khaeesi and it looks like it might happen when all of a sudden, the dragon brings his head around breathes fire directly at Jaime. At the same time, someone (it looks like Bronn) grabs Jaime and pulls him into the water to escape the fire blast. BUT THEN we just get a clip of Jaime sinking into the water and MAYBE DROWNING?!?!?!?!?!! OMG THIS EPISODE WAS AMAZING I AM GAGGED.

Let’s recap

Biggest surprise this ep: KHALEESI ROLLING UP ON A DRAGON!! Also, is Jaime dead?!?!?!?!

Biggest letdown: the cave of sexual tension was kind of a letdown but I think it’s happening people, I think it’s coming.

Important fashion moments: I’m loving the little getup Arya is wearing during her sparring match with Ladyknight. Also everything Khaleesi and Missi are wearing is #bomb.

Who died this ep? A bunch of Lannister army people, maybe SMD? Also a bunch of Dothraki too. And then the big Q- maybe Jaime?

Thanks for reading!!! Follow me on tumblr! Tell your friends!

Also, a disclaimer that I posted last week:

You might IDGAF this but just to lay it out there, I purposefully avoid all other recaps/reviews/think-pieces about the latest episode in the time between watching the ep and writing this recap. Sometimes I will hop on to the GoT wiki page to find out a character’s name or check a fact but mostly it’s just my own notes that I reference.

WHY AM I EVEN SAYING THIS? I often will read other recaps/reviews after writing and posting this one and I’m like OMG WE HAD THE SAME REACTION/ SAID THE SAME THING about a scene or a character. So I guess I just wanted to say that any similarities between this recap and any other recap are unintentional and coincidental.

Game of thrones has always been a show about great cinematic moments, it pushes and pulls its characters to move across seas, climb mountains, trudge the snow in order for them to get where they're going. This season is still full of cinematic moments, the main problem is sometimes they don’t really make sense. Whether it’s because these cinematic moments makes logic tug at you, or because there is in no way the whole storyline makes sense, or because you know it’s for pure shock value, the point of these moments are lost. Good thing for us, despite its faults, “The Dragon and The Wolf” gives us a reason to believe that the faulty set up can lead to satisfying and even terrific (though sometimes confusing) conclusions. 

To say that Season 7 of Game Of Thrones is the best would be a disservice to the previous seasons (and to me a bastardization of the 2 direct ones that preceded it). It is fast paced yes, but not without its flaws. Back then I felt like we wasted too much time watching characters no one was invested in, or seeing little pieces drag on for 1/5 or 1/6 of the show when it could have truly been given just a minute. Fast forward to season 7, and you realize just how important those moments were (of course there were still some I find pointless, I'm looking at you Sand Snakes). Which really begs the question, how does Game of Thrones strike a balance between the need for urgency, and the small seemingly irrelevant moments that end up meaning much more? 

As the season progressed (with a very slow premiere by the way), I couldn't help but feel that everything that's happening is how it was always going to play out. It was always just a matter of when it would happen. Fast, but not necessarily exhilarating nor logical; Game of Thrones took a long time to bring us to where we started in season 7, and it took quicker to unravel the spools of what was plausible. It's funny how people say that suspension of disbelief is necessary in television shows, and how in a show with dragons, white walkers, century old priestesses, rebirth, and whatnot, it's traveling time that we question. 

As a person who has watched the show since 2011, let me be the one to tell you that Game Of Thrones, despite having unrealistic aspects has always had the benefit of having the characters in different places explain time and make the stories seem plausible. As the show comes to an end, and the convergence happens, it makes it less believable to know that some stories are moving at high speed, while some stories are inching its way to fruition. Just watching this season and the transition from scene to scene gives us that awkward mix of this is a set up episode and something really relevant is happening. It’s like we’re standing on a cliff seeing Dragons fly in circles, and by contrast we see boats rushing at full speed. 

Season 7 though finds it balance as it tries to tie together the loose ends this damn faulty spool of storytelling has done for the past few episodes. It gives us the illusion that everything happening before this episode was meant to happen to get us to this point. Unfortunately for some of the storylines, the narrative destination does not fully make up for the poorly thought of stories that have riddled the season. What this episode does though is it leaves an impact by making us realize as well just how tied all of these people are by their familial ties, and their previous storylines. The episode benefits not from the set up made in the season, but from the set up carried by the whole of the series. 

Spoilers Ahead

The meeting of the three rulers of Westeros is something we all have expected since the day this show started. Whether it’s in a battle, or in Highgarden with everyone having tea, was always the question. We receive our answer in the form of the Unsullied standing strong, the dothraki surging towards King’s Landing. The King In The North and everybody else in a ship. Bronn talks about cocks (which is funny because this show barely shows cocks anymore). The Hound and Brienne share a moment to talk about Arya and their mutual respect (? or fear) of each other. Podrick and Theon, Theon and Bronn. Heroes of the Blackwater Bay. Cersei arrives with Qyburn, Jamie, The Mountain, and *sigh* Euron (tell me why did Dan and David said he would be a great villain again?) The Hound and The Mountain do a little dance that to me feels like purely fan service, there is absolutely no sense in what happens between them or why The Mountain who barely does anything but to do Cersei’s bidding would approach his brother. Daenerys arrives last as she flies in with Drogon and Rhaegal to further showcase her power. It is a lifetime ago since most of these characters have shared a scene together, and it is fitting that we get the full convergence of some of the most relevant characters in Dragonpit where, as Daenerys explains, the Targaryens put the symbol of their power (what made them extraordinary to be exact) and they locked them. The Queens and King meet where the most powerful creatures were bound to act as if they weren’t. Euron interrupts this meeting by taunting Theon for Yara and Tyrion. It is clear in this meeting that 1) Cersei hates them all (Theon above anyone else), and 2) Jon despite everything still knows nothing. Everything about this scene is about power, and yet to me only one person here stands with true power. Cersei. Cersei is the only one of the three monarchs and their people who say no. And unlike Euron, she does it not out of fear. She does it after Jon refuses to serve two queens. She does it and it truly feels like she can (at this point we don’t know why yet, and it is impressive). Regardless of the Wight that charged at her. She manages to keep her power. If there is anything anyone needs to know about me, it’s that I admire Cersei Lannister despite how despicable a human being she is. She is the only one who knows exactly what to do with power in order to keep it. 

Tyrion decides to speak to Cersei, and it is a reunion I have waited for since Season 4. It is clear that Cersei blames Tyrion for everything. Their mother, their father, her children. Cersei, despite her intelligence needs a person to blame; it is and it has always been one of her most self destructive flaws. In not recognizing the things she is directly responsible for, she alienates the ones she loves the most (or causes them to kill themselves). Tyrion on the other hand stands as self aware as ever. Despite Tyrion talking a great game about wanting to kill her sister, is still the same man we’ve known since season 1. Optimistic to a fault. The mere fact that he is in the same room with Cersei and The Mountain is ridiculous. In fact, it is unclear to me why Cersei chooses not to kill him. Is it because she needs someone to blame, and Daenerys or Jon just don’t fit the requirements for her vitriol? It is more plausible to me that the writers of the show need to constantly remind us that Cersei is still human. Cersei then decides to set aside differences for her unborn child, for family. 

To me one of the most satisfying parts of this episode is between the Stark sisters. It is full of flaws, and yet I love it. Sansa and Littlefinger talk about Arya, and he makes her assume the worst of his sister. She then sends for her and in a twist, she is actually sentencing Littlefinger, finally holding him fully accountable for all of his sins to the Starks. Considering everything that has happened prior to this episode, THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. What was the need for the Stark Sibling Dance in Winterfell? I’ve read varying opinions on this, and nothing makes sense still. Was the whole thing planned? From Arya’s discovery of the letter? Or was Littlefinger and Sansa’s conversation the turning point for Sansa? And if so, how did she convince Arya otherwise? Here the show reveals that it spooled storylines that despite being able to tie together, doesn’t fully form a cohesive comprehensible thought. In the need to keep characters moving, we have characters doing things that barely fit their story arc. See, we needed to see Arya and Sansa do something, else we’d realize just how fast everything else is moving. It barely even works and if not for my desire to see Littlefinger outplayed die at the hands of the Starks, the effect would have been lost on me (as I assume it is lost on other people). Props to Petyr, Sansa, and Arya for doing the heavy weight lifting in what was almost a lost shot. 

Fans of Theon (like me) will also appreciate the decision for him to finally grow some balls. Slightly dramatic with his conversation with Jon, slightly comedic in his one on one combat with one of his sister’s followers. But you see, again, this only has an impact because I love Theon and Yara. His bit about Yara being the only one who tried to save him feels real, not just because Alfie Allen has grown considerably as an actor, but also because we know it to be true. What about his idleness  in this season? What has he been doing all this time? While everyone else has travelled to and from the wall, from King’s Landing to Dragonstone, what has he been doing? And a quick conversation with Jon or taunts from Euron, is not convincing enough to make this fully understandable. But as was said, the show needed to move everyone to certain places, and not as carefully nor as impeccably as they have done in the past. 

The best scene for me comes in the form of Cersei’s reveal. Cersei reveals that she has no intentions of actually helping the War, and Euron is on the way to Essos to fetch the Golden Company the Iron Bank has helped her purchase. The confidence in Cersei’s voice as it seems that she edges towards madness. Jaime rationalizing to the woman he loves most. They have spent the most time in this show together, and we’ve seen them grow as lovers, enemies, characters. As a turning point, Jaime decides that he will join the war and ride north. I honestly felt the fear as Cersei gives the Mountain the command to kill Jaime. But as this episode and countless moments between Cersei and her family, Jaime’s survival speaks to me as real. It is unlike Bronn’s survival, or The Hound’s, or Berric’s, or Tormund’s. I understand why Cersei didn’t kill Jaime. She loves him. She is not Drogon or a Wight or a White Walker whose inability to kill major characters confuse me. And as Jaime rides off, snow falls into King Landing in a very brilliantly scored scene, to remind us that Winter is here. 

Sam arrives in Winterfell, and a conversation with Bran gives us all that this season (and hinted at the whole series) has been leaving clues to. Jon is Rhaegar and Lyanna’s son. Juxtaposing Rhaegar and Lyanna being married with Jon entering Daenery’s Chambers, and Lyanna asking Ned to protect her son, Aegon Targaryen with Daenerys and Jon having sex (with Tyrion outside) was an effective way to tell us that Jon is the heir to the Iron Throne, and a reminder of what this means for the story. This will be one of the most interesting things moving forward, and probably one of the most powerful Game Of Thrones moments (one that compares to last season’s Tower Of Joy scenes). 

What does their incestual love making mean for the two of them the moment they find out? What will it mean for their relationship and alliance once Daenerys finds out that Jon is the heir to the throne? Are we to look at them the way we’re supposed to look at The Dragon and The Wolf before them, Lyanna and Rhaegar? This whole series of scenes leaves us with these questions, and it will stay with us until they’re answered. 

Sidenote: why is the actor playing Rhaergar eerily similar to Viserys, a character, I assume we all hated. 

Also I could listen to Isaac Hempstead-Wright narrate a grocery list, and it would keep me satisfied. 

Arya and Sansa standing in Winterfell, finally recognizing each other the way we have always wanted to. Arya sees her sister as the Lady of Winterfell, acknowledging what Sansa has gone through. Sansa seeing her sister as the strong woman she has become. Both Starks reciting Ned’s words, “When the snows fall and the white winds blow the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.” This is true not just for the Starks, but for every single person heading to the North. This whole episode has painted how important these familial bonds have been, and how they will always be, especially as we reach the conclusion of this song. 

And yet after this final note, the episode still doesn’t end. The episode ends with Berric and Tormund at the wall, as the Night King rides with Viserion, the Wight, destroy the wall. In a fairly terrifying scene of the Viserion, the Wight breathing ice (that seems to work like fire? Let’s just assume it’s blue fire) destroying the wall, we are treated to a brilliant display of CGI that seems to culminate the very first scene of Episode 1 of the series. We know nothing of Berric and Tormund’s fates, but we do know this: The White Walkers and Wights are here for GoT’s own version of the Apocalypse, Winter. 

Welcome back to Let me watch TV 4 U? The blog where I watch TV for YOU! Last night was the season 7 finale of Game of Thrones. What happened? LET’S FIND OUT! Spoilers ahead you’ve been warned. You’ve also been warned that you are about to be #SHOOKETH. 

Again, I was fully #shook the entire second half of this ep. But the first half was less shocking, so let’s get that out of the way first, shall we?

We open on Greyworm and the rest of the Unsullied army…

And they are in #formation on the lawn of King’s Landing. Jaime and Bronn watch from a tower and discuss dicks and basically conclude that dicks make the world go ‘round which is A. GARBAGE and B. WELCOME TO THE SEASON OF THE KWEENS. Also Bronn oversees the Lannister army’s production of “pitch” which I’m assuming is like tar (I know this from Into the Woods, thanks Sondheim!). What is this pitch for? IDK it’s never mentioned again! During their dick-discussion, the Dothraki forces ride up on their horses through the Unsullied formation and J and B are, frankly, spooked.

While the Unsullied and Dothraki approach by land, the big wigs ride in by sea. We’ve got Tyrion, Previously-Traumatized-Theon (PTT), Sleevey, Bae, No-Knuckles (NK), Stoney, and Missi on deck. Down below, the Hound checks to make sure the ice zombie they obtained last week is still zombie-ing. As they approach, Theon’s Uncle Crazy-Pants (UCP) has his whole fleet of ships guarding King’s Landing. We check in quickly with Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) who is reminding her zombie-bodyguard, The Mountain, to kill everyone please.

As we approach the GoT-Model-UN, Bronn strolls up with Ladyknight and her squire, Pod on one side and are met by Tyrion and the rest of #TeamKhaleesi at a fork in the road. Pod and Tyrion and Bronn all used to be besties, so it’s kind of weird for them to be meeting like this, but OH WELL we’ve got ice zombies to discuss! The Hound and Ladyknight reunite which is cute because last time they met she left him for dead. They both chat about how they are proud that their little Arya has grown up to be a skilled assassin.

They approach the Courtyard by Marriott presents, the DRAGONPIT space that QPC has rented for their Model-UN conference, which is actually a giant pit where the Targaryens used to keep their dragons. It looks like one of those stadiums that was shoddily-built for the Olympics 25 years ago but has not been touched since. #TeamKhaleesi and #TeamBae all take their seats and then QPC and co. roll up with Uncle Crazy Pants. We get a reminder that the Mountain and the Hound (who are brothers) do NOT like each other. QPC is like, umm… Where’s Khaleesi? And then in the least surprising entrance ever Khaleesi flies in on Dragon #1 with Dragon #2 in tow and is like, what? Am I late?

Uncle Crazy Pants has to remind us all that he’s crazy and rather than let the grown-ups chat, he yells at his nephew PTT and is like, hey, I still have your sister, remember? Tyrion tries to steer the convo back to Model-UN business but then UCP goes on a rant about how he hates dwarves until QPC is finally like shut all the way up, UCP. Tyrion and Bae co-present the case for their country in this model-UN, Khaleesi-ville. There’s a lot of back and forth but T makes a very good point when he says there’s “no conversation that will erase the last 50 years.”

Their presentation concludes with a real-life-3D-representation of the threat to their country, an ice zombie fresh from beyond the wall! The Hound sets him loose and he comes right for QPC’s face. She looks truly horrified while her “Maester” (who is into human experiments and keeping dead people alive unnaturally) is kinda turned on? Bae shows us that the 2 things that can destroy the ice zombie are fire and dragonglass, thus completing his presentation. Good job, Bae, A+ and extra points for visuals!

UCP is not having this and is like, can ice zombies swim? Bae’s like, naw dawg they cannot. So UCP is like k, BAI and peaces out. He and his people live on an island so they’re safe from ice zombies as long as they stay put. Since Khaleesi recently purchased an island-condo, he advises her to do the same. QPC agrees to a truce with #teamKhaleesi on the condition that Bae heads back to Winterfell and not “choose a side” between Khaleesi and QPC. It seems like a good deal but Bae is like sorry I already chose a side I’m #teamKhaleesi til I die (again). QPC is like k, kewl, bai and her whole crew leaves without deciding on their model-UN resolution. Ladyknight appeals to her old pal Jaime to have some common sense but he is too #inlurve with his sister to listen.

Everyone left at the Courtyard by Marriott is like Bae couldn’t you just have told a little lie to QPC? And he’s like naw, not a liar. Can’t do it. Tyrion is like ok well I’ll go talk to my sis, she’ll probs kill me but, it’s been a fun life! Meanwhile, Khaleesi and Bae get a little heart-to-heart where she AGAIN mentions that she can’t have children and he’s like well who said that? And she’s like oh this witch doctor lady who killed my first husband. And Bae is like, she wasn’t even a licensed medical professional, what does she know!?

Tyrion and Jaime have a quick moment of brotherly love before T goes to see QPC. T is like, ok sis, just kill me. Your giant zombie-bodyguard is here just give the order and have me killed. And then she doesn’t kill him. Instead, she declines his glass of wine because she is #drinkingfortwo now, that’s right, she preggers (or at least she claims to be). Somehow, telling Tyrion about her pregnancy leads her to change her mind so she returns to the Courtyard by Marriott to tell the crew that she will have her armies march North to face the “great war” of the ice zombies. Huzzah! Our mission is complete. OR IS IT?

Let’s pop into Winterfell, shall we?

Sansa finds out that Bae #boweddown to Khaleesi via a very informative letter and discusses this with Littlefinger. LF is like well, I guess Bae is a traitor now so maybe you should be in charge? And she’s like hmmm… but my sister is acting weird. And then he tries to tell her that her sis wants to kill her to become the “Lady of Winterfell” and take power. She’s like, well… I guess I better do something about that. A few scenes later, Sansa is busy looking out at the winter-y landscape and tells a guard to have her sister, Arya, brought to the Great Hall.

In the Great Hall, Arya walks into a room filled with judgy-looking dudes in pointy hats and is like, did I miss something? And Sansa is like well… there is a traitor in our midst. And Arya is like, oh really, bitch? We gonna go there? And Sansa is like yep, you’re accused of treason, murder, and conspiring to kill your leader……… LITTLEFINGER!

WHAT? TABLES TURNED BIOTCH YOU ARE DONE LITTLEFINGER.

LF tries to talk his way out of this one but it turns out the sisters have been plotting against him all along and there’s nothing he can say that can combat that. Plus Bran is there and he can see the past so he offers some helpfully incriminating testimony against Littlefinger. LF is down on his knees begging Sansa for his life and she’s like #boibye, do it sis. And Arya cuts his throat! And then he is dead-o as dead as any dead thing that ever died. I truly cheered out loud at this scene. Like, I should have seen it coming but I didn’t. Thank you, GoT, for not only killing off a main character, but one we all wanted to see die anyway! Later, we get a scene where Arya and Sansa fully make up and are friends again, TG!

Back to #teamKhaleesi...

they’re debating travel plans to head North. Stoney is like, Khaleesi you should take the dragon express, but Bae is like no, sail on a boat wit me. And Khaleesi is FEELING BAE so she’s like sorry, Stoney, gotta get that D. Then we have a sweet scene where Bae and PTT resolve their past differences and PTT is like wow you are one good dude, Bae.

Inspired by this convo, PTT heads to the boats to ask the small crew of his sister’s sailor-guys to sail with him to save his sis from UCP. The main sailor dude is like NOPE, you heard UCP, we’re heading to an island! PTT is like NOT TODAY, SATAN, and he starts fighting the main sailor dude. After taking several punches and getting back up again (that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call tub-thumping (thanks Kimmy Schmidt), when you get back down but you get up again), PTT is hit hard in the groin by the main sailor dude but jokes on him cuz PTT is like a Ken-Doll down there! PTT uses this momentum to wipe out sailor dude and after beating him up, rallies the troops to go save his sister! Good job, PTT!

Back in King’s Landing…

Jaime is ordering the Lannister forces to head up North to fight the ice zombies when QPC walks in and is like lol wut? Jaime’s like just doing what we agreed to do at the Model UN conference! QPC is like, oh that’s sweet, you thought I was serious? I’m not gonna make a truce with Khaleesi! I’m gonna move in as soon as her troops head North! And Jaime is like how? We don’t have an army! And she’s like oh remember when UCP said he was going to leave and head back to the Iron Islands- psych!- he’s heading to the other side of the world to bring the “Golden Company” (a huge army of soldiers for hire that QPC bought with all that Tyrell gold) back here.

Jaime is NOT PLEASED because A. he wants them to keep their word and B. he’s like if these ice zombies win we’re all f$%-ed and C. QPC kept him in the dark about all of this. He’s like I know you murdered thousands of innocent people in a church and you’ve been 100% evil for the past 5 seasons, but this is the LAST STRAW. And he goes to leave and she’s nobody walks away from me and her zombie-knight is there. And Jaime is like ok, kill me. Which is cuckoo because this is the second time in this episode where QPC is faced with a brother saying “ok, have your zombie knight kill me then” and each time she doesn’t do it.

So Jaime storms off and it seems like he is finally dunzo with his twin sis/lover and is headed...North? IDK? As he is leaving King’s Landing, though, SNOW STARTS TO FALL whoa #winteriscoming #vintagenedstark #amiright ladies?

Let’s check in on Winterfell again!

Sam arrives with Gilly and bb Sam and comes to see the artist formerly known as Bran Stark aka The 3-eyed Raven. Bran tells Sam he is the 3-eyed Raven now and Sam’s like….k? And Bran is like I need to see Bae to tell him about his parents. Bran is being a real know-it-all which is I guess his gig now and he’s like he’s not Jon Snow, he’s Jon Sand, he was a bastard born in Dorne (Dornish bastards have the last name Sand instead of Snow cuz of the climate) to Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark. And Sam is like HOLD THE PHONE I just remembered that Gilly read aloud from this old dude’s diary that Lyanna and Rhaegar were legally married and he got offish divorced from his first wife!

And then Bran goes back in time and watches the marriage and is like yep it happened and meanwhile he’s narrating all of this, Khaleesi and Bae are on a ship headed North when he knocks on her door late at night. She lets him in and then before we even get to witness their first kiss they are #doingit that’s right straight up boning and fully nude. It is very hawt but also we are confirming that she is his aunt at the same time. And Tyrion, meanwhile, watched Bae go into Khaleesi’s room and is feeling some kinda way about it?!?

I’m too verklempt to describe the sensuality of these 2 beautiful people in the nude so let’s cut to our last scene. Gingerbae and Eyepatch are still at Eastwatch when GB spots a bunch of ice zombies walking up to the wall. He’s like oh snap they are very close now we better get our shit together. And then ICE ZOMBIE DRAGON flies up, with the Night King on his back and BURNS DOWN A HUGE SECTION OF THE ICE WALL WITH HIS FIRE/ICE BREATH!?!?!?! GB and Eyepatch seem to be ok but now, we have for the first time ever, a bajillion ice zombies who’ve successfully crossed into the realm of the living and are really, definitely coming for all of us. END OF EPISODE.

Sweatpants & TV | Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 4 – “Book of the Stranger”

Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 4 – “Book of the Stranger” Seven hells! The fourth episode of Game of Thrones was so intense. Between the reunions, the unlikely and uneasy alliances made, and watching all these women on either side of the Narrow Sea variously employing their agency, this was an exhilarating episode to watch. The episode starts at Castle Black, where Jon is packing up to leave…