#gom angst

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being in a relationship with atsushi is a huge undertaking. it is not just an emotional investment but a bigger mental one where one always has to be okay with their boyfriend being gone for days and weeks on end. on top of that, even when he is with you, it does not necessarily feel like he is with you, owing to his daydreaming nature. he is often lost in his own thoughts, more often than not replies in weird analogies to even a simple ‘do you want to watch a movie tonight?’ question. one might think that his obsession with food would pose a threat in any kind of romantic relationship that he will be involved in but rather, it is his personality which often metes out cold and unwelcoming responses to which, even a warm person grows desensitized.

it was painful to watch how the relationship turned so sour. life would have been better if he just had a simple tsundere personality but he does not. it is a more ‘i cannot be bothered’ personality which, unfortunately, rubs off the wrong way in most situations, even when you try your best to not let it affect you much. 

he loved you, still does today. the only issue being: he is so bad at emotions that he makes a tsundere look like the most romantic person on earth. he has no hobbies or any kind of general goal in his life. atsushi only ever gets excited when he is facing a particularly strong opponent during a match; basketball being the only thing which burns any kind of flame of passion inside him. even in that field he is usually faced with disappointment because not a lot of people can overcome his level. even if they overpower him with techniques, they usually fail in front of his physical stature. which brings us to a six feet ten inches creature with little to nothing to live for.

one might wonder that he has love in his life so that is a reason to live for, it is one but not a very strong one to keep you going in life. atsushi does not crave for death or any such pessimistic things but he is also not equipped with a lot of optimism every morning that he wakes up.

you are usually by his side, your naked form sprawled next to him, the white sheet on top of your body slipping with every movement your soft actions make and he cannot help but stare. he adores you deeply, is truly in love with you but boy is he lost. he is lost in life, he has no path to go on, has no goal to fulfill, no aspirations to look up to. it is all just a huge question mark and no matter how much he tries to fill the voids in his life with things to do, they always fall short.

basketball has stopped being a sport to him, it is more like a daily workout that his body has grown used to. he does not care about what the coach says or what his teammates expect from him, do they even talk to him? he is not sure anymore, and it certainly does not help much that himuro is gone back to the states.

you on the other side, feel the same way. being with a person who has no inspiration in his life feels counterproductive because it robs you off the energy to work too. you wake up in the morning in an empty bed, the soft rhythmic flow of the washroom shower filling up the ambience. when you first started dating, you two used to stay up all night in each others’ arms talking. talking about everything and nothing, from NASA’s new mars expedition to the new flavour of boba tea unveiling at the local store downstairs, the two of you just had something to talk about but with time everything just faded away into thin lines and soon they disappeared to the point where when you remember the memories of your conversations with him, they feel like fever dreams and not the past reality. the atsushi then and now are two different people but i guess that is what happens when people lose their will to move on in life.

being naturally talented, atsushi has always tasted nothing but victory from the very beginning and that has robbed him of a lot of opportunities for growth; leaving him as an unproductive mess.

most instances, you are supportive of him. you always support him in whatever he decides to do or not do, irrespective of what it is about which kept the relationship alive, really.

the worst part was the arguments which became inevitable day by day. arguments with him were dumb, down right stupid because he never knows what you are upset or angry or frustrated about. it is times like this when his cold behavior really makes an appearance because if he does not care about you or your feelings, why exactly are you in this relationship? why are you constantly trying so hard to accommodate him in any way so he can also find a resolution someday? why are you trying so hard to inspire him, lending him your energy and then coming up as void yourself?

well, every argument ends with him picking you up and throwing you on the bed as you both tear each others’ clothes off. that is the only solace left in the relationship; crazy monkey sex. if it were not for the condoms, one would think you two breed like rabbits. but sex has an expiry date, the physical urges die down and sometimes need the emotional push to go back to the old sexual equation.

which was never present in your relationship in the first place so when you both got tired of makeup sex, the relationship fell apart like a house of cards built on a sandcastle. it was noiseless, weightless. a glance of his eyes told you, he has lost the energy to even fuck you. physically he can, but he cannot look you in the eyes with love and adoration in his eyes like he has always.

so you left; no words, no pleasantries, no painful goodbyes. you woke up one day and just left after moving out your stuff from your shared apartment.

at first you thought life would be hard without atsushi around. your giant of a boyfriend had really grown on you but it was ironically, very easy. you soon fell into a schedule: working, going out with friends, partying in the weekends, going on vacation trips to exotic countries — life kept throwing different experiences at you and you grabbed at them like a man in a dead desert. you were hungry for experiences, for newer things to try and hence never wasted any time to try everything out which effectively kept you quite busy in life, even happy with the buzz. atsushi soon became a past, a past which had kept you chained but now you were free like a bird.

that is how you met your now fiancé, gojou satoru. he was your seatmate on an airplane to the maldives. by the time the plane landed on foreign soil, gojou had you on a laughing train owing to his never ending goofiness. his striking personality amused you to no end. after deboarding the plane, you kept looking at the back of his slender figure waiting for his cab. your hands clutched on the handle of your bag tighter as you fought between the urge to approach him again or quietly walk away.

you have not even been on a date after your break up with atsushi although a lot of people did approach you but you turned them all down claiming that you needed time to replenish your energy that you lost. it was not a lie but it was not the entire truth either. a part of you was also afraid that you would never come to love another man as much as you loved atsushi. but at the moment, standing there at the terminal on either side of the roadway, clearly destined to opposite directions, you could not help but let your feet carry you towards the charming magnet that was gojou satoru.

a slight tap on his shoulder and gentle pleasantries later, you found yourself in his hotel room at night. yes things were moving too fast but nothing in life has ever felt more right than being in the same room as satoru. the actions that followed till the wee hours of the night became a routine during the rest of your trip which went from a solo trip to a couple trip soon, filling up your camera roll faster than any beautiful scenery ever has. he was a ball of joy and you could not help but keep him to yourself, hell with the world if one chooses to call you selfish. you were selfish when it came to satoru.

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atsushi walked in the wedding venue with kuroko. he convinced kuroko to accompany him to the wedding because he had no courage to show up alone, simultaneously he did not want to miss your wedding either. how can he miss it, you are the love of his life, after all.

on a side note, he partly wishes to win you back right before when you and your fiancé exchange vows and then run away with you. where? he does not know but he owes it to you to at least try once, to repay you for all the times that you have tried for him.

he was dressed in a dapper suit that he had to get tailored because of his unusual body specifications. it cost a fortune because of the short time of notice but he looked like the life of a party, contrary to how he last looked like to you: lifeless.

atsushi had tied his long locks back in a low ponytail, the shorter strands in the front falling gracefully near his eyes, lending him a darker yet powerful aura.

he guessed you would in one of the green rooms, still getting ready for the big day ahead. so he excused himself from his blue haired companion who diligently reminded him to not end up doing anything regrettable. the cautious words fell on deaf ears as atsushi walked towards the back of the building with conviction in his eyes, to win you back. yes, he has a goal finally. this is what he needs to do and he will not rest till he achieves it. atsushi felt a rush of adrenaline, a smile on his lips to commemorate the high flow of epinephrine through his veins.

however, instead in one of the changing rooms, he found you sitting in front of the bar. his eyes fell on your figure sat on the bar stool, a glass of what he assumes is gin and tonic in your hand. 

a face full of makeup and yet your natural beauty outshining every product that was sitting atop your skin right now. you were dressed in complete white from head to toe. the dress hugged your figure perfectly, the cleavage though subtle but owing to your sitting position, it let on a deeper delve and he was not complaining. all he could think at the moment was how you would feel now. how would your soft skin feel against his, underneath him again. he is too impatient to find out as he rushed his feet nearer to the bar.

you were laughing, your hand one hand on the bar counter supporting your titled head which was directed at another figure sitting in front of you. atsushi was unable to see who it was because of a huge pillar right in front of his field of vision but he assumes it is probably one of your friends.

he cannot help but feel the same butterflies that he had felt when he first saw you back on the first day of university. you had crashed into him and while he helped you up, all you did was gawk at him because of his height. he was quick to apologize and you were quick to smile back, and the way your eyes crinkled, his heart clenched tighter and it is clenching tightly even at the moment when he noticed the same crinkles forming near the crescents of your smiling eyes, your lips never losing the soft smile.

atsushi feels like he is complete again but as he nears closer to you, instead of one of your girlfriends sitting in front of you, he finds a man there. sitting on a barstool, his figure directed towards you and his knees touching yours. he was dressed in a black suit, the bow tie still undone and just lying around his neck. his silver hair was pushed back, his blue eyes shone like sapphire as they only maintained their gaze at you.

atsushi felt a sudden wave of disheartenment but kept walking till he was in earshot range and heard your laughter. it filled him with absolute joy but what followed the laughter brought him back to the reality.

“satoru that’s enough!” you exclaimed at your fiancé who kept listing the sex position he wants to try with you after marriage. satoru was legit counting on his fingers as he kept thinking of different positions. you kept laughing, embarrassed, hitting his chest when he spews out something dirty.

that is when it hit atsushi who the guy was. he did not miss the name of your fiancé on the wedding card, rather it was etched on the back of his mind. as he was brought back to reality, he started wondering why you were sitting in the bar before your wedding ceremony, talking with your fiancé. you two did not even look like you were getting married in less than a few hours, rather two lovebirds who merely came to attend another’s wedding and that is when atsushi realized, that you are not meant for him.

he suddenly cannot even remember the last time he made you laugh like that or when he had a proper conversation with you.

sitting in front of him, you looked like everything he wanted and needed in life but alas, he does not deserve you. you deserve happiness, you deserve wearing the smile that satoru was giving you, not the hopelessness atsushi ever brought you.

he watched you for a few more moments, your hand slapping satoru’s arm as you blushed uncontrollably at something the man must have said. atsushi inserted his hands in his trouser pockets and turned on his heels, joining kuroko.

“what happened?” kuroko asked, seeing his friend.

“nothing. i am glad i came,” atsushi flashed him a smile, a warm one as his slender fingers undid the hair tie keeping his hair together. with a short shake of his head, he let his hair fall back near his shoulders, running a hand through them to make sure they were untangled.

he has a new goal now: to clap the loudest with a huge smile on his face when you tie the knot with the love of your life because that is what he owes you for all the love that you have bestowed on him. he is blessed to call you the love of his life. 

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- jaimie