#goingthroughtime

He wasn't meant to be alive right now. That should of killed him, why did he live. Damn it, they couldn't just work quicker?! Curly. Curly he needed to find him. He needed to run away, he could never come back 'home'. So he did. When they took their eyes off him for long enough, he ran away, sneaking out of one of the many windows. They wanted an excuse to get rid of him, he finally gave them one. He was running for what felt like ages, trying to keep it together. He could hardly breathe, he was barely even recovered from his attempt. That was stupid, why did he ever think that was a good idea? He was just tired of his household. His legs hurt, his throat stung, he felt dehydrated, he could've sworn he tasted blood. His legs were weak. He felt like he could pass out at any second. He was stumbling, and it was a miracle he hasn't fallen over yet. "Curly-!" He coughed violently, knocking on Curly's door aggressively and immediately clinging onto him for support when he opened it. He felt safer now, at least ever so slightly. "Jim?! Talk to me- what- let's get you inside, okay. Do I need to call a doctor? What the fuck happened?!" Jimmy looked half dead, in his perspective anyways. His breathing was hindered a concerning amount. He felt so cold, yet he felt so hot. If Curly lived any further away he might've not been able to get here in time. "...Parents- ...pills.." Lying even when he might as well be on his deathbed. He was shaking. Was Curly... Curly was crying. For him. He was concerned, he... truly cared about him. He could go into a coma here or worse, die, if he wasn't sent to a hospital. He didn't bother to say what he actually did. If they asked questions, Curly could give them that vague answer. He didn't want him to worry anymore. Curly wiped a stray tear off Jimmy's face, one he didn't even know he had. Just... how much had he been crying through his pain? Was it really that bad? Jimmy couldn't hear Curly well anymore, he was blurred. Maybe he would die here. Maybe... it's for the best. He went limp in Curly's grasp, Curly frantically had to tighten his hold as to not let his friend fall to the floor. He needed to contact someone, quick. He didn't care about the consequences right now. "Shit shit shit shit..." He nearly broke down then and there. No, he had to get Jimmy out of this alive, he was his friend. He had to try. Jimmy was breathing, albeit slowly. He had a chance. A chance to live, a chance at life.

He collapsed to his knees, putting his face into his hands. As if he wasn't just hallucinating again. No, the pain he caused others was so much realer than this. Their deaths were real. He only wanted to get rid of one, he didn't mean for it to spiral like this. He wasn't qualified for the captain role nearly as much as Curly was. He hated him. But he loved him, obsessed over him. He couldn't even... tell what was happening anymore. He was disorienting himself, he felt like he should be dead by now. He shouldn't be getting away with this. He didn't know how he was. Why'd it always lead back to him feeling sick? He should feel bad about what he's done, but why can't he? He didn't know them that well. It was unfortunate, but a guy's gotta save his own skin, surely they'd understand that? Anya hardly got a thought in his head. He didn't even spare her a second glance most of the time. He's had his moments, but it was for the better. So then... why didn't things get better? She told on him, didn't she? That's why it spiraled. Her fault. It was her fucking fault Curly ended up like this, it was her fault the others had gotten hurt. Her. Her. Her. She ruined his life. There was only one worth saving now, and Jimmy wasn't sure if he could get through it properly. ...Might as well take a parting gift, right? Not like they'll ever see each other again. Curly's lived this long, he'll be fine. Just a bit longer together. Hearing Curly's voice, even if all Jimmy could do was pretend it was there, hearing him breathe close for one last time. He'd have dinner together with him, just like old times. He'd forgive his dearest friend. Curly always shared his food when Jimmy was struggling with getting his own. He knew what he had to do to get himself out of here, but. He was scared to do it. He couldn't risk Curly recovering and ruining Jimmy's life forever, he couldn't bear the thought of living without him. He'd give Curly a chance at life. He didn't deserve one. Not this time.

Jimmy snickered, ruffling Curly's hair as if they weren't whole adults by this point. He meant it lightheartedly, honestly, it was kind of endearing, dare he say. ...That sounded gay. He took that thought back quickly. Curly can think whatever the hell he wanted of it. "Thought you were the good guy out of the two of us anyways, why are you laughing a guy falling over, huh? I mean... it was kind of funny." Curly didn't take long to calm down after that, clasping his hands together. "Well, Jimmy! It's fine if it's on film, I mean, that looks so fake... come on, even your acting is better than that-" ...Acting. Did Curly.. is that all this was to him? Was his life an act or something? Did he know his tricks? Fuckfuckfuck- "....Aybe it's your calling." Jimmy blinked, more than once, looking back up at Curly hesitantly. He zoned out. "...Repeat that?" "I... said, if you did act. That'd be cool, right? We need to get you a job anyways, who knows, maybe it's your calling." Jimmy froze, then with an almost manic intensity began laughing. He didn't know... why, exactly. The thought of him acting? The thought of Curly actually stepping out of his obliviousness? The thought of being caught? Realizing he wasn't. "Hey, you snorted too! Don't poke fun at me laughing when you do it all the same." "...Yeah. Ah.. hah. I guess I did, didn't I? Sorry, Curls. We're not that different after all." Life was nice. He wanted to stay like this. He liked seeing Curly happy and knowing he was the cause of it, though he'd die before he admitted it.

He was genuinely grinning for once, it didn't suit him. He looked unnerving. Threatening? Yeah. Curly never seemed to mind though, he was the only one he could be himself around. At least, mostly. "Hey, Blondie! Thanks for standing up for me back there, that was badass!" He didn't take his time when it came to getting close to him. He slung an arm around his shoulder, even if Curly seemed mildly uncomfortable, Jimmy wasn't stupid, he could tell when Curly wanted to get away from him. He could tell when people felt awkward, he used that. He could've defended himself. But, if someone insisted on being his prince charming, he wouldn't deny them. He'd embrace them. It piqued his interest. He knew Curly was his friend, but... nobody has ever actually went out of their way for him like that before. He was overly touchy, even if subtly. And yet, it's weird. Curly thought he didn't like being touched. Jimmy switched up on him so often, it was hard to tell what his real personality even was anymore, he couldn't stay consistent. And yet... half the time he made Curly feel bad for being his friend. As if he didn't do something a certain way Jimmy would be gone the next day. He was so contradicting it hurt. "...Hey." Curly stopped his dissociation for long enough to register his friend's singular word, lifting his head enough to look at Jimmy. "Thanks. I... I appreciate you, man. You've been here with me for longer than any of my fucking cunt ex's have been." Curly smiled at that, he wasn't too fond of the insult towards other people, but from what his friend told him surely they were bad people anyways. It seems like Jimmy could make him forget his worries with the most simple sentences. The most simple things. "...You're welcome, Jim." "Forever, right?" "Forever." [⚓ What does 'home' mean to them? Timeline: Present.] He missed it. He missed earth, he missed ... well. He didn't have much to miss, actually. Certainly not his parents, he had no siblings to look back on, he didn't have any friends besides Curly. Though... he has been rather distant lately. He misses his sanity, not that he ever had much. He misses being able to get away with small stupid crimes like shoplifting, he misses the sun when it's not a threat. He misses being able to sleep whenever he wanted, he misses being unemployed. He misses relying on Curly. Curly. Curly! It always circles back to Curly, damn it. Why the hell couldn't he get him off his mind? And yet, it feels as if they've been talking less lately. He... misses Curly. He misses being able to talk to him without worries, now he was always too busy or whatever he was on about. Most of his life was spent with him. Most of his memories have come from him. Is Jimmy even his own person anymore, or is he just going to adapt Curly's personality? Since he's so great. He even gets praised here, Jimmy should've just stayed back on earth. He misses his shitty apartment room. He never felt like cleaning it, so Curly got concerned to the point of cleaning it for him, and Jimmy got mad at him because he couldn't find the stuff he needed to. Such small pathetic things. He misses having control. He misses when it was just the two of them. He misses a lot actually, when he lets himself think about it. But it always seems to come back to one guy, he would never leave him alone. He never wanted to let him go. He had no choice anymore, he's already in too deep. Anywhere with Curly is his home, his memories. He forgets everything else anyways, it pissed him off, yet in a way he felt content. Why did his feelings have to be so damn confusing?

"You're pathetic, you know that? No wonder Orion's your only friend. I bet he'll leave you like all your partners. You're so fucking weird!" ...So immature. Going for his friend's throat all because he caused a slight problem. So what if he talks bluntly? Is there really anything wrong with saying what was on his mind? Not like he could control it anyways, they couldn't know the half of what he's been through. So, he just stayed silent. A bunch of teenagers acting like toddlers wasn't worth his time. He couldn't even apologize, it's not like he'd mean it if he did. That'd make him a liar. ... He's lied before, what difference does it make. "I'm sorry you can't handle a lack of tone? What did I even say?" They all glared at him as if he was making some sort of unfunny joke. Staring staring staring. Why were they all staring? Then one of them opened their mouth. "How could someone like you possibly be friends with someone like him? He's so much better than you in every way. I'm sure you're aware of that. How do you get so many partners? It makes no sense." ...Curly this, Curly that... it's always fucking Curly, isn't it? Curly's better, smarter, braver, more capable! He was getting sick of it. He just took a deep breath and turned the other way, walking off without a second word. Not worth his time. Not worth his weight. Before he did something he couldn't go back from. He had to keep his calm. [🩸Is there something or someone that, if lost, would break them? Timeline: Future.] "...Curly you fucking idiot-" He let out a shaky breath, composing himself by dissociating just enough he wouldn't have to see him. He needed to get his voice together before he could even speak again. Not like Curly could speak back to him anyways. He couldn't have Curly dying on him now. He didn't mean to do this to him. Damn it, why'd he have to go to the front of the ship! Why's everyone else unharmed?! It's not fair, why's everything out of his favor. He rubbed his eyes, crossing his arms. His voice shouldn't be as shaky now, hopefully. He can't be stuttering, he was the captain now. Curly was clearly in no shape to be. It was his job. His ...responsibility. "... You- better... better not die on me, asshole.. this is your fault. You should've just stayed put, it... we could've been fine, we could've had everything. I'll get us out of this alive, okay? I won't let you down again. ...I can't fail now." Then it dawned on him. ...Nobody else would've got hurt anyways. His plan would've... failed anyways. He can't go back to earth like this. He can't let anyone find them. He can't... let them escape. He can't think that way. He still has some sanity left in him, even if it was little. There's only one real threat on this ship, and he could take care of her. She'd shatter under the pressure of the real world. Since Curly can't talk, he can't protest anymore. "I'm glad you agree. ...Believing in me, like I knew you always would. Get some rest. You better wake up, that's an order, Captain." He left, as if nothing ever happened. His hands don't lie nearly as much as he did, they were still shaking.

Curly was leaving him. Ohgod. Ohgod. This was it. He pulled the final string in the structure. Was he really hyperventilating over something so stupid? Fuck, he had to compose himself. He desperately had to compose- "Jim." Jimmy looked up from his hands, they were shaking. This didn't feel like him, he was stronger than this. This was weak, this was fucking pathetic. He desperately grabbed onto Curly's shirt collar, silently begging him not to leave. As if at any moment Curly would just evaporate beneath his hands. "You- ... Curls, come on. You won't leave me, you can't. You're... you're everything to me, Curly. You know what I'd do without you. I can- what did I do? I can fix it, I can change, please-" "Jimmy. Don't cling to me like a lost puppy. You know what you've done, it's all you deserve. You're a nuisance and you know that, right? You're ruining this for both of us, just make this easy on yourself." Curly shoved Jimmy off of him, not apologetically in the slightest. He was... too much like Jimmy. No, this wasn't right. Jimmy wanted his life, he wanted what he had, he wanted to be him, to keep him in this friendship. Curly can't seriously leave him like this?! "...You.. you wouldn't. You know you can't leave me, you rely on me as much as I rely on you, you selfish bastard!" Curly left the room without much as a glance back to Jimmy, slamming the door on his way out. Jimmy stood still, he felt sick, he felt like his whole life just left him. He- He woke up. Gasping. Clutching at his own shirt. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He needed to get a control of himself, Curly was still here. He was right there. Jimmy never even left his apartment. They were... fine. Everything was okay. He settled down, as long as it took. Deep breaths, even if they made it feel like his chest was being restricted. He couldn't tell anyone about this, they'd think he went mad. He didn't. He's just... a little more fucked up than he'd want to be. [💼What do they always carry with them? Timeline: Present.] He fidgeted with his belt for a moment, tilting his head at Aki. It kind of was everywhere he went, he just forgot about it often, but Aki was fairly helpful. Despite being ...mildly childish. He still couldn't view them as anything less than a device. On another note, however. Box cutter. ...Still works like a charm for all of his needs. He's still not sure how they let him have it on the ship. Curly gave it to him years ago cause he needed to slice open a package and forgot about it, so Jimmy kept it. He's not sure what he'll do if he loses it, just use a knife, perhaps. Knives are far less... portable. And they don't hold the sentimental value. He wasn't quite sure why Curly trusted him with it in the first place given his reputation... with. Himself. Maybe to defend himself, he was weak and people seemed to despise him, so it was only fair. He knew they said these things could be multi-use, but... would Curly get mad at him if he found out? Surely not. He'd just keep hiding it for now, no need to bring that up to anyone. If it was what worked for him, why should he change that?

He was fidgeting with his nails a lot lately. His nail polish was getting completely fucked over. Would Curly hate him? Shit. He didn't want Curly to die, really. He didn't want him to do some stupid heroic bullshit that he usually tries to pull off. He was always too good with rules. Meanwhile Jimmy had to be screwed over since his childhood. He couldn't stand the thought of a life without him. But, then again, he wouldn't be on this ship in the first place without him. He would've never fucking met Anya, he would've never had to think all this over. Was that selfish to think? Was it truly his fault their friendship may be going down with the ship? If anything deserves to live in this shipwreck it'd be him. Everyone else pissed him off. He's been there for Jimmy since the start. What's the point of even staying here if they weren't even going to get paid properly? Who knows if people can keep their damned mouths shut anymore either. He can fix this. If him and Curly were both criminals... he wouldn't be able to tell anyone anything. He could get himself and Curly out of this alive, he could. A life with just him and Curly... nobody else to disturb it, glued together against their will. He wasn't thinking rationally, but he didn't care. He wouldn't suffer the consequences without dragging the guy that's been with him his whole life into the abyss with him. [💤 How do they sleep? Timeline setting: The present.] He grumbled, looking over at his small nightstand. He didn't even use it for much other than his journal, but he hardly wrote in it anymore, it was more like a chore than actually getting his feelings out. He's been turning, trying all sorts of different positions for about thirty minutes now. "...Stupid.. fuckin- god. I don't even have anything to blame. ...This is so fucking stupid." Maybe things could've been different if he didn't have sleep issues. He just slept in whatever position worked best, five hours of sleep isn't a good thing, and he gets even less than that thanks to his hallucinations, nightmares and otherwise. If it works he doesn't care if it's comfortable. Maybe he'd sleep in the cockpit chairs again. No wonder he looked so unwelcoming, he certainly wasn't healthy. Most of the time he'd wake up curled up, even if he didn't go to sleep like that originally.