#goingnegative

Well, if it isn’t the little asshole who could. I’m so excited to hear you explain how your callous, cheap, disrespectful behavior is actually part of a righteous attack on The Man for not paying everyone higher wages. It’s going to be such a thrill for you to explain to me how I need to be compensated; certainly that’s your business and I love when strangers try to teach my boss a lesson via my wallet.

Have I laid the sarcasm on thick enough? I want to make sure it’s as thick and zesty as the extra ranch you need for any foodstuff unlucky enough to be in your presence. Only with the amuse bouche of my sarcasm will your palate be truly ready for the curb stomping I’m about to give you, you stupid, selfish cheapskate.

I don’t know why you think sitting at a table in a restaurant for ninety minutes makes you an expert on the financial comings and goings of the entire business, but somehow that seems to be the way you operate. I hear people doing it all the time, espousing the economics of their penny pinching like there’s a fucking Microeconomics class at table 67:

“Well, look, I tipped $10. He’s got five other tables, and he’ll turn them four times tonight. That’s $200 a night, if not more! Servers make so much money, $10 is more than enough for our $90 dinner!”

You sound like a second grader trying to explain how we launch things into orbit. “Fire comes out and scares the satellite into space!!!” No, dumbass, those are just the things you’re seeing. Other things exist. Unless you’re the general manager of the goddamned restaurant, or have some kind of daredevil-esque superpower where you can hear the financial breakdown of the restaurant in the way the dishwasher rubs the plates or some horseshit, you don’t have a fucking clue where that money is going.

Look around yourself for a second, only this time, don’t look through all the staff in the room. Notice them. See the bussers, food runners, hosts, servers, bartenders, and the barback? THEY ALL GET PAID OUT OF YOUR SHITTY $10. In fact, in some restaurants, the server tips all those other employees based on how much food he SOLD that night, whether you tipped them or not. So, if the hypothetical cockshaft from before tips $10 on $90, and the server tips the rest of the staff 10% of his sales ($9), then the server will keep A FUCKING DOLLAR. So when you do your stupid math out again, if everyone tipped like you (that is, a complete shithead,) then they made $20 in a night! LOL SERVERS MAKE SO MUCH MONEY!!1

Did you think the server just takes all the money that everyone gives them and then crams it in their wallets? That’s like thinking that the store clerk at CVS takes home the money you give her for cigarettes and lip balm. Speaking of minimum wage jobs, here’s another thing nobody should ever say for any reason but do all the time:

“Waiters always complain that they make less than minimum wage, like we HAVE to tip them, but their boss has to make up the difference if they don’t make minimum wage.”

Okay, first of all, anybody who’s ever said this has obviously never made minimum wage. Minimum wage is like, very bad, as an amount of money to make. It’s literally the worst amount of money you can make. That isn’t a good baseline to hit, bro. Unless you’re at a fast food restaurant, the employees didn’t take that job to make minimum wage! Do you see how much shit your server knows? Like how they stopped you from ordering that dish that has gluten kind of hidden in the recipe, because you said you were allergic to gluten? That’s because their job takes effort and skill and intelligence— you know, the skills that PROFESSIONALS ARE PAID FOR. And guess who fucking pays for that? The goddamned customer! YOU, motherfucker who drank seven diet cokes, have to pay for that.

And on top of that, the employer only has to make up the difference if you fail to AVERAGE minimum wage in a WEEK, not that day. Guess they left that out of whatever hateful infographic you’ve been cross posting in “proud gun owners that are also walmart patrons and love mayonnaise” Facebook groups. So that shit never gets paid out, because, thank sweet merciful whoever-the-fuck, most people aren’t as rude, cheap, and stupid as you. And, for the record, I know for a fact that you’re stupid, because you say stupid shit like:

“It shouldn’t be my responsibility to pay their employees. Let the management pay them! That’s just the owners being cheap.”

Have you ever done a math problem in your entire worthless life? Did you just spend math class chewing on your own arm like it was going to turn into a bloomin onion? Because what the fuck do you think is going to happen if the restaurant pays everyone $20 an hour. That’s thousands of dollars a night. How does a business compensate for higher expenses? BY RAISING THE PRICES, IDIOT. You’re still going to be paying my salary by eating here. You can’t get out of that, no matter what the situation. If you think about it, restaurants do you a fucking favor by not doing it that way; would you rather pay $50 for a steak and the service, or $40 for a steak, and then tip based on how good the service is? Even people who aren’t cheaper than ikea furniture would still save money by tipping.

How is it that you’re so impossibly gross and creepy while doing fuck-all? You’re not biters, or poisoners, you don’t crawl in people’s ears on the regular like SOME bugs I know. You’re not known for your droppings, you don’t generally make a lot of noise or anything like that.

Yet, somehow, you are the most disgusting motherfucking two inches of gross ew shit on the entire planet. When  I saw one of you the other day climbing around on the wall DIRECTLY ABOVE MY BED it was like seeing somebody take a gross, watery shit all over my bed. Actually, no, it was worse, because the gross shit at least I’d know where it came from and when it was over; I could just burn those sheets and move on with my life.

But when it’s one of you nuclear-holocaust surviving little freaks? I can’t just burn you alive and move on with my life. Because where there’s one of you, there are a million others, just waiting for me to go to sleep so that you can run across my face and mouth and EW EW EW EW.

What else was I supposed to do? I got my landlord to pay a socially awkward fat guy to walk around my apartment and coat every inch of it with POISON. That’s how much I fucking hate you and your kind, cockroach; so much that I literally turned my home into a giant pile of poison, just in case there were more of you hiding anywhere.

So, please, cockroaches, kindly fuck off forever. Yours in hatred,

We get it, okay? You’re really fucking good at running. We’re all very impressed. (Spoiler alert: That was sarcasm. Nobody is impressed).

How about you quit it with this bullshit where once a year you get to shut down every major city so that you can throw on your $400 ASICS and trudge across town to prove to all of us how excellent you are at running? Because, just to be totally clear: we the people could give a rat’s hairy asshole how good you are at running.

Let’s back this up a bit. The origin of the whole things was (supposedly) some old greek dude who ran practically ACROSS his tiny, broke-ass country, just so he could tell everyone something about how the greeks all had to kill each other. That might be a little wrong but, honestly, close enough. So, first of all: This guy was running because he was trying to stop (or start, I forget and who cares,) some kind of WAR, and he couldn’t exactly send his friends a snapchat about it like “Spartans R #basicbitches”. This is a situation that I am certain has never happened before or since. Nobody finishes the New York Marathon and then cruises right into an apartment building so they can tell their cousins that it’s time for a gang war. Oh, and I almost forgot the most important detail: HOMEBOY DIED ONCE HE FINISHED HIS RUN! That’s the activity you all want to model your hobby after? A dude who ran as far as he physically could and then DIED from it? What the fuck kind of weekend activity is that? You might as well just have the last mile be straight down off a cliff.

And as if the history wasn’t stupid enough, the present day incarnation of a marathon is the absolute worst shit. It’s like the entire thing was designed just to be as irritating as possible. Firstly, they seem to only run the things in major cities. You know, the kind of places where millions of Americans work and live in incredibly tight, congested space? They bring a couple thousand assholes in numbered bibs and oddly hemmed shorts into the middle of a busy city, then they close all the best and most important roads in the city for, oh, like 9 hours. And if you have to work, or go anywhere to do anything really, well, good luck navigating your commute around the giant collection of closed roads zig-zagging right through the middle of every-fucking-thing. And then, once you’ve drive literally AROUND the city you’re in, and gotten to your destination in two to three times the amount of time it should have taken, now you realize that the 26 miles or road that were closed also represent 52 miles of parking spots, which works out to exactly one fuck ton of parking spots that are now unavailable to people who actually live in the city and pay goddamned taxes so that they have the right to pay to park on the fucking street.

The final cherry on top? Even the runners look miserable! They sweat like me in the sun, they puke, piss, and shit on themselves as they go, and, somehow THEY ALL GET CHAFED NIPPLES. You know what a chafed nipple is? It’s a sign from God that your body is not built to do whatever the fuck is causing your NIPPLES to CHAFE. You know what causes my nipples to chafe? Absolutely nothing because that is a weird and bizarre thing to happen to a human body.

So why do we let these idiots ruin our cities every year? It’s not like other sports that are fun to watch— watching a marathon is like watching paint dry, except that the Kenyan’s don’t always win the paint drying contest. Most marathons don’t seem to have any explicit charitable or community-building missions. In fact, most of these marathons seem to be built around the primary shoe sponsor of that particular marathon. Which is to say that it’s basically a giant commercial.

In summary: Marathons fuck up everyone’s day who’s not in them, ruin the nipples of everybody who is in them, seem to exist mostly to sell Asics, and are inspired by a guy who DIED the first time anybody ever tried to do it. Really the only positive I can think of is that some of these jerks will shit in their pants, which at least feels like a bit of poetic justice. But it’s not worth it. Why don’t they start holding their races of a fucking race track like everything else that races? Can you imagine if the indy 500 cut through Indianapolis? Exactly. And if they won’t do that, then I’m requesting they randomly close down half the city next month so that my friends and I can wander down Sunset smoking weed in the middle of the streets. Because if they’ll close it all down for your stupid hobby, then all of our hobbies should have their day in the sun.

Sincerley,