To The Woman I Called Mom
You kept my heart falling out of my chest, and when I began to love myself, you always reminded me that I had no right. I ran as far as I could, but your voice still enters my mind every so often. It tells me that I shouldn't be myself, and i shouldn't have the right to be happy without you. All you gave me was hate and self-doubt and I told myself that wasn't your intention, but it always was. I couldn't be strong, because that would make you weak. I couldn't be happy because that would make you sad. I couldn't do my job, because them you couldn't tell me it was wrong. I should've seen it all along, that you were only trying to break my soul. I was devoted to you, but I had to relinquish myself. Once you had enough of me, you told me I was worthless and left me in the cold. You called yourself my family, but treated me like a stranger. You sent me to do your bidding and then asked why I wasn't at home. I gave you every part of me, but somehow you wanted more. After I gave you everything, i realized what you had done. It was never about my happiness, only about your own. Ill tell you a secret though; stealing every piece of every person around you will never make you whole. Giving you all of me never made me feel fulfilled. I only wanted to make you happy, and it took me too long to realize that i never could. You were never by my side, only looking down on me from your throne made from souls you had stolen from givers and pleasers who wanted to help you on your way. You may have achieved your dreams, but i will never forget when i pulled you from your self-made prison and placed you on your seat, my soul one of the first you sat upon. I believed every word you said, promising me the world. All you gave in the end was grief and misery, as you took each piece of me with a smile telling me i was “your special girl.” I had never belonged to anyone like i did to you, and I stayed far longer than was healthy to try to help your happy. I found my place, but not with you, and I've never made anyone so angry. You keep trying to creep back in, because you know that i have more to give now. I will never give you anything again, because i know now that it will be used as ammunition just like it was before. You will never tell me again that I am not enough. All along i was just too much for you, and i begged you to find less. I hope you did.
-S.B.
