#godthoughts

I stretch my legs I am ready for yet another day of sun and bit of "me" time. For several years now I have seen one bird that chills out on the fence as I run by. Every spring he returns and every run he jumps up on the fence and sings. I know that's just where he perches but it is comforting to see him again and again. He has become my bird. Today I went a different route, thinking I wouldn't see the little guy but feeling the need for a change of scenery. Which helps me to push myself to new goals. As I go I see a flock of birds land on the fence in front of me, then fly away, circle and land again in front of me. This happens multiple times, and went on for about of half a mile. As the group of about 20 or so faded back there was 1 that stayed with me. My bird. I felt led or guided. Which got me contemplating Gods love.

my focus is both the people who ebb and flow from my life as well as how I ebb and flow in Gods love. The people part is easy. People come, people go, those who are on similar path usually stick around longer, and some stay for life. But Gods love is constant and never wavers. Which is unlike how I am with him.

I remain steady but fickle. Like the birds, faith in my wings and the wind is strong. I swoop in to watch the runner. The curiosity of Gods love pulling me in to know more about my savior and share all of my blessings. God is the runner. Steady, paced and sure of the goal. The one setting the goal. Although I try to keep up and stay with him the human in me fails. I get behind. I get tired. The human in me is the gap between the fence post and the wind on my wings. Thankfully I know the route the runner takes. When I am blown back I can pick up down the road and stay on track. He is the guide post and I am the bird. Free to go as the wind takes me. However I choose to follow the runner.

1Corinthians 16: 13-14Be alert, stand firm in the faith, be brave, be strong. Do all your work in love.

I hear a co-worker talking about tomorrow like tomorrow will be any different than today. Like that is where the honey is at.  All to often I hear others ( myself included) vying for the next big thing. Self satisfaction will happen when_____. Why do we leave it there, in the future. Why isn’t today better. Why do we put all of our plans, all of our hopes ahead of us, instead of living in the here and now.

Is it too much to  think that today could be the best day of your life? That Instagram post that Facebook #, is it all for show. Is it some marker we use to guide ourselves to a future the doesn't even belong to us. As we stare off into the distance planning the NEXT. BIG.THING.  

I want to  live in a space where I notice the small  things. To  “stop and smell the roses” as it were. My head-space is where the battle is. Today, this minute is my battlefield. 

The bible says ‘I know the plans I  have for you plans for good and not to harm you.’ (Jeremiah 29:11) It also  says ‘ My days have passed; my plans have failed; my hope is gone( Job 17:11) There are dozens of other verses that both bring hope and or disaster. So who’s to say what tomorrow brings.

...The dark spots you see on the pavement are my tears. Tears of trust, of strength and of hope for things yet to come. How did I get here? Why now and why does it feel like He's giving me just the smallest taste of a life I truly want? Feels like another endeavor in patience but it also feels like answered prayers...

While waiting for my kids to finish having the time of their lives doing cart wheels and daring each other to dance at their end of the year gala I had some time to kill before emerging as a taxi driver for a few of the kids I lovingly consider my extended family. I took advantage of my time alone in the downtown street of Brunswick. I popped my shows off and walked in the grass, I people watched and generally enjoyed being outside, not alone and freezing at dawn for the first time in months. However it wasn't long before I found myself at the foot of church steps questioning God on His timing while I also complexly thanked him for showing up at all. I couldn't resist the urge to kneel down in front of the stone statue of Mary and bear my soul freely and out loud. Normally I'm shy about things like that. Public displays always feel showy or insincere. Realistically it might have been more garish had it not been 930pm, dark and otherwise a quiet corner I found myself in. Nevertheless an action in faith is an action no matter who's watching.

Honestly it's not the first time I've ended up here. 20 years ago I found myself in a similar situation. I had been driving around looking for a spot to stop and pray. I found a tiny church in the middle of nowhere. I pulled over, got out of my car and kneeled on the steps of the locked doors because I needed God, I needed His house and needed to remember exactly who I belong to and where I'm going. Time and time again I find myself here. Crying on the steps on my faith knowing He has it all worked out. Knowing the plan is not mine to see, only experience.

This night, kneeling there I felt overwhelmed by my love for God and the roots He's nestled in me while I have patiently waited these past years for some direction. Hoping for guidance more than just "be still". I mean He's never even said please be still. Yet against my better judgement I've somehow managed to make it this far riding on the coat tails of stillness in the face of silence... so much silence. Lately though the things I've been praying for seem to have become engaged. So much so that I begin to wonder if this is what all the waiting has been for. To grow my roots and allow absolute trust in whatever He's got up His robe sleeves. I knelt there and thanked him for the roots that are now grown so deep that it feels as though nothing could shake me because when I am stirred and rocked I send those issues to his feet instead of holding them close like I had been doing all those years before.

I think Robert Frost said it best, "two roads diverge in a yellow wood... and I took the one less traveled by". Except he misses the point because there are more than 2 roads. There is the obvious My will, and then there is Society's will. All the complicated things that ensue with following ourselves or following the world should be implied here. But what about the third road. Following God. Even when the darkness sets in all around you and consumes your exits. What about Him? What about the rest it takes to become a true warrior in the face of betrayal, denial, ignorance and pain. What about opening our Bibles to any page and becoming familiar with the promises and the character of our Lord.

It's a lot, I know. It's almost too much. When it seems like often we think we know the way but the path is blurry or we see the goal but the way is blocked. That's what our faith is for. To stand for us when our legs are weak, our brain wants the next new thing and our hearts yearn for fulfillment.

I kneel everyday now. I say my prayers out loud, in the corner of my room and the corridors of life. I'm not sure if this is a call to arms, or maybe just relief from a prayer repeated so many times that the ink would be rubbed away had it been written down. But I have realized the foundation laid here is solid. The core of my life has changed. Leaving me feeling like regardless of the answers I hope for the road is paved with tears of hope that lead to a life I will forever be proud to call my own because it is a gift from the one who loves me most.

Isaiah 12:2 Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.”

1Thessalonians5: 16- 18 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1Peter 4:7 The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray.

Forgive me for the immediate side story however it feels important to point out happenstance vs willful action. I've never played the game of roulette but I've heard there is a special skill involved that can actually lead to great success. To me however, it looks like winning might be the purest form of dumb luck, but what do I know? ...

I read that cinnamon is an excellent antioxidant and great for your joints. You should research it because it's useful to your body for a melange of reasons. This tropical tree bark is so good for you that I've begun to look at it as if it were a delicious wonder drug. Thus, a few months back I started playing a sort of roulette of my own with it. The game was to see if I could possibly use so much in my food that I might find this delectable spice overwhelming and cut back. In the mean time I figured I would gain all the health properties with zero guilt. As the months have passed I started adding it to everything. To include ordering fancy drinks just for the cinnamon stick, so I could chew on it while I sipped. While on vacation away, I even found a lavish tea called Red Hot Toddy and only purchased it because the label claimed it had an "unapologetic amount of cinnamon". Suspiciously enough it was also a 2 for 1 special, so it seems like maybe even the universe was in on my silly sport and was encouraging me to continue playing the game. I'm still trying to find the sweet spot. So far it's just been satisfying and delicious.

I find myself playing the same game only for higher stakes in other areas of life too. In this arena it's with the Holy Spirit. The gridlock of life is not private. We all seem to feel it. The unexpected changes can be frustrating. Yet, I keep reading that stillness is a way to follow God's plan and grow our roots. Along with patience and love we serve God while we spend time in the waiting places and tiny rooms of our individual lives. Thankfully He also says that while we wait He will turn sadness into joy. Which I'm finding is true but only because I put my trust solely on the back of his promises. But I ask myself- is there more I can do? When I ask God to lead me, I understand that I have to be willing to act. It all seems so simple although it also feels like its own intense game of roulette. Once I've set the little swirly ball in motion I can't second guess my choices. When it lands I need to listen, and move.

Last summer I read about a woman who was sitting in her car praying to God for 1 small sign that he could use her. She heard the Holy Spirit tell her to go stand on her head outside a convenient store right away. Confused she waited a moment but then acted fast. What harm would it cause to make a fool of herself for her faith. She did it feeling foolish and exposed. Minutes later a person came out, laughed, and thanked her for answering their prayer which was darker. That prayer was, if something didn't make them laugh today they would go home and end it all, and they were just headed home from that store. So very sad. A life was saved by the courage it took to let others think she was crazy. This story has stuck with me in a chilling and serious way. I mean, I never considered the unpredictable and strange courage you'd need or even think about using when trying to live your truest life. That grit comes to mind now as a question what can I do for God? It's not enough to listen and obey during my season of growth. I know that. The fabric of our existence is intricate and wild. The barriers people erect are steep and treacherous. No wonder we need stupid courage to do such small things. Thankfully the ears of God hear all.

I've been praying more than normal as of late. Trying to maintain my outlook that God is in control, remembering that what is for me, is for me regardless of when it arrives. The verse 1Thessalonians‬ ‭5‬:‭17‬ keeps coming up as I work through these platitudes. "Never stop praying.” Suddenly it feels like the light in my head has turned on and I am seeing things from 30,000 feet. I've begun reaching for the courage to stand on my head in public. The fear it brings to the surface is a constant prayer to my creator to follow this elusive path.

To that end I ended up hugging a stranger on the street last week. I ran by her, but she looked off. I found myself remembering the story of that woman, and the conversations I've been having with God. I felt compelled need to talk to her. To check on her. To make sure she had what she needed in that moment. It took convincing for my feet to do what my heart wanted. I thought I don't know her, she'll think I'm crazy, who in their right mind talks to strangers on the street, who checks on people they've never met? I've watched people, they just don't do that. They keep their heads down looking at their phones or staring off into the distance. They don't want to connect. Well... most of them don't

Finally, I turned around and closed the distance that had come between us. I asked, "are you ok, do you need anything, can I give you a hug?" She opened her arms before I had finished asking and held me like we might have been sisters. So tight. I think I might have needed it as much as she did. Then I think, isn't that how He grows us. While we give to others he fills our hearts with goodness and grace. I'm pretty sure it's one of the boldest things I've ever done. But I'm going to keep doing things like that. Offering to share whatever piece of myself I can. I'm chucking the swirly ball right into the roulette of God's will and we'll just see where it lands. I'm excited to see the sort of things that will happen when I allow the Holy Spirit direct access. I'm sure strange and curious stories are in my future because we never know where He'll pull us or who has a need. It's wild uncharted territory. More instances have followed since and I find that where there was a void I was waiting for him to fill there is some kind of peace in knowing that people need a bit of crazy, they need love. Often it doesn't matter where it comes from as long as they're seen.

Jeremiah‬ ‭33‬:‭3‬ ‭ “Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come.”

Ephesians 5:14-17 'This is why it is said: “Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. '

A coworker came over to my desk the other day to ask me a question. While we discussed a possible solution she noticed the bobbles on my window sill and quickly complimented what I had done with my space. Saying thank you I realize to my great pleasure that almost everything there had been a gift from someone I love. I told her this and it peaked her interest about the why and where it all had come from. Explaining everything I felt each thing was newly given and it warmed my heart once more. I had forgotten why I had placed each trinket there and had begun breezing over them with little care or concern. Letting them get baked by the sun daily, taking for granted the love that brought it to me. Of course, understandably we can't keep the meaning behind everything cinched in our view but we cannot dismiss it from our minds either. Sometimes I feel like that's how I am about God. Like I've disremembered the love he's given me. Forgetful of the gift of grace.

Later in the week I had dinner with a friend. We discussed so many things. Life goals, hardships but most importantly our conversation centered on living our life with God as our portion. Seems like I've put a lot of things out of my mind of late, as I obsess over things that are in God's hands and in his timing. I am vexed that I could ever over look such a gift as my savior dying that I might live. Suddenly I am consumed by the recognition of God's word and his portion bouncing off me as if I am impenetrably dense. So here I am diving in again to remind myself of the portion Christ has given me.

While trying to sort out how to explain this better I typed into the google box "what is God's portion" I wanted to see what would pop up. Does AI understand the plenum of grace? First hit, first line is a quote from 2 Corinthians 3:5 "our sufficiency is of God". Meaning we cannot exist without him, we cannot breathe or step without his help. He absolutely fulfills absolutely. If this is the case then why have I stacked up my awareness of his grace in my window stashed behind me where I'm not even looking? Why have I been careless about the gifts given me?

I remember begging God for things when I was a child. Foolish unfounded things. As if God was a genie in a lamp. I mean, how often did I stare at mountains after reading that my faith could move them, totally misunderstanding the point. Mostly they were the ramblings of a teenager that I don't care much to remember. I was not aware yet of the fullness God promises to give us. I believe was oblivious to even the idea of anything making me feel complete, let alone God. I probably would have been praying for that long before now if someone could have explained it to me.

Having a portion of something sounds like a divided slice or more like a fraction of what could be. But in reality the gift of grace and in the portion he has given us, there are no bounds. No sharing and no feeling of wanting or waiting. There is only faith in knowing true love. I'm not sure I've really ever known unconditional love. The kicker is as I get closer to Christ, the less I worry about earthly love, the more I focus on the kind of energy I put back into people. Because there is no guarantee that the people I want in my life will want to stay here. Although, the gifts on my berm tell me there is love here I am trying to no longer vie for the love I'm looking for while I push aside the one person who can truly fill that spot in my heart. Jesus. I will not let this truth slip through my purview again.

2 Corinthians 3:5 'not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God; '

Psalms 16:5 ' Lord , you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine. '

Psalms 23:6 'Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.'

Psalms 73:26 'My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. '

Isaiah 40:31 'But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.'

John 3:16 ' “For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.'

We were up at 1 am to catch the bus to the starting line. The 3 of us agree if we had known this was part of the deal we might not have signed up. If we had known the shuttle bus was non negotiable it might have been a game changer. Not that we wouldn't have planned a race together but maybe we would have picked a different one. One where we could possibly get more sleep. Our run was set to start at 6 am with a bus drop off by 5. The shuttles had a mandatory departure time of 1am-3am and there were 1000+ people in lines trying to get on. This ride began my hustle toward the finish line. A 1 hour bus ride, 1 hour standing in the dark wilderness under flood lights in the freezing cold waiting for the start and 4 hours on my feet pushing toward my goal. At times I felt strong and able-bodied other times it seemed like a controlled fall with weak legs and a steady mind.

So many situations in my life have felt similar.

Skiing for example when the ice is thick and the crowds of people seem to keep coming from behind. When there's no where to go and no where to fall. We slide, we coast and we hope we don't hit anything. Stalwart or not sometimes all I can manage is a controlled fall. At least that's what I was thinking as I navigated a sketchy piece of trail last week.

As a child situations like this would have sent into the lodge for hot chocolate and a reason to get warm. As a child it would have ruined my day. Ice is no picnic, whether it's on skis or in sneakers. Even on ice skates I question my steady stance. This time however, looking around at how all those around me are experiencing the same level of confusion as I am, I realized we are all carefully controlling our decent down a trail called obsession. I can tell you at this moment in time I was in no way obsessed with skiing.

I can't help but think about the idea of the controlled fall. The idea that we grant ourselves room to try and fail or to try and be changed, usually forever.

Skiing often feels like that but so do so many other things when I look at them closer. Adventure seekers the world around love the controlled fall by jumping out of planes in an attempt to maybe seek a rush of endorphins. I won't be jumping out of a plane anytime soon I'll stick to the more everyday kinds of falling. Like trying something new, falling in love or falling for a bad joke. Better yet my controlled fall into my love for Jesus.

I know believing in Christ isn't for everyone, although I could have a healthy debate with you on why it is. When we open ourselves up to those things bigger than anything we can understand the world gets just a little larger and cooler and well, more fantastic. But the catch is

allowing myself to enter a situation knowing it could hurt. Understanding that it definitely will change me and still moving toward it because it's worth it.

I study my bible every day. I read it and research because I have questions that I know I'll never get the answer to while I'm alive, but I read knock and the door will be opened, seek and you will find. For some reason these words stick to me. They live in my brain as a reason to allow a controlled fall for Christ.

The truth is we're all standing under flood lights in the freezing cold. Some of us have started running and falling and are willing to risk it. Personally my take is I have 1 life and the only doors closed to me are truly the ones I choose to shut. Happiness is not found in books or in the world. It is found in the controlled falling into Jesus.

I don't where I'll land. I don't know how deep it will take me. But I do know that it's not a free fall into nothingness. It's a disciplined reaction to an offer of freedom set forth by the creator. I feel that more than any other slip or slide in my life.

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭56‬:‭3‬ ‭

““Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7‬:‭7‬ ‭

““And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭11‬:‭9‬

"I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be- I give up, I'm not strong enough. Hands of mercy won't you cover me, Oh right now I'm asking you to be strong enough, for the both of us"- Matthew West.

I would like to recognize the power of the people...

When I was younger I adored my brother. I wished I could be like him. One time while on a family vacation I heard him say the phrase "power to the people", and now the phrase is a core memory for my entire family because every clip of me on my Dad's cam-corder captured me saying this on repeat. "Power to the people!" If he was cool, I was the exact opposite and in certain circles, I have yet to live down the 9 year old me's attempt at coolness. I've given up trying. Although my attempt at claiming power back from the secular world has not diminished nearly as much. Indeed the power is in us all. We just neglect to recognize this. In the mass coercion of society I wonder if we have forgotten the god of our universe starts with a big G and can help and shape the course of our lives. Have I forgotten God? I have forgotten that his power lives in me?

Recently my Dad and I had lunch, where we talked about all sorts of things... politics included. He was angry that people who were elected to do things were waiting for Trump to take office before they are willing to lift a finger. My answer to that was, that they are fearful for lack of support. This isn't a political message so I'll stop right here with this. My point in sharing that is that it takes one person standing against evil for others to gain courage to stand. But if everyone is waiting for someone to stand up for what's right, who might our hero be. And why do so many lack the courage to be the person God created them to be?

In fact it seems at times we'll do anything to seem like the right fit for the right person, even if it's at the wrong time. Sometimes, I admit, I have even stayed quiet in the face of in justice or worse, when asking God to help me, he sends what I need to be the person I should be. Then I ignore it altogether. The heart wants what it wants and sin is a twisted family member we can't seem to kick out of the house.

I think it goes deeper than just trying to influence others. I think the meat of it is, what will I do when faced with the mortal sin of man? It takes knowing that you're right and then the willingness not to go along to get along. Further it takes the stand. Standing alone is a lot like jumping off a cliff. Will anything be there to catch you? It's a bet I'm willing to take when it comes to Christ. The power given to the people stays with the people until they give it away. However it's not easy trying to follow God's path, and be that person. Even if I do recognize being that individual should be the simplest thing, because that's who I was created to be. No, it takes a lot of hard work and discipline to even know where to start sometimes. When we pass on standing up for what's right, or our beliefs or say yes when we should have said no, we become as if we're just another lost soul. That isn't something want to be any l longer. Funny that I know I'm not really equipped for any of it. I'm not strong enough. But I know a guy who is.

William Shedd said, “A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” Be brave. Be bold. Live your life to the fullest. God is with you. God is for you. You are not alone.

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭1‬:‭13‬ “So prepare your minds for action and exercise self-control. Put all your hope in the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world.”