#goatgrass

I am really depressed right now, and I’m honestly surprised I managed to force myself to write this, so bear with me.

My day didn’t start out like this at all actually. I was in a pretty good mood until about 7pm. I guess I’ll start off with what I ate and drank today. Per my usual Tuesday and Thursday routine, I bought a soy caramel latte from Starbucks through the Starbucks app on my way to class. I drank most of it in my morning class, but ended finishing it at work. At work, I was extremely hungry. I bought a bagel, and a Snickers bar (mostly because I saw someone buying one and I instantly wanted one) this totaled about $3.75. I ended up eating the bagel right away, but saved the Snickers bar for later. Before I left work I took my Zoloft,  grabbed some ice cream (red raspberry truffle, my favorite kind of ice cream from work) and a cup of diet coke which I ate in my second and last class of the day. When I got back from class and into my apartment, I ate the Snickers bar. Additionally, a few hours later, I ate some Tostitos tortilla chips (I had to open a new bag because I finished one of the bags I bought from Target the other day.) In addition, I also ate two Target brand cheddar cheese sticks, which I bought tonight (more on that later). Overall, I would categorize my food consumption as economy, due to it being things that I spent money on either today or at some point during the week.

As far as music and media, I didn’t really get to do a lot of it. I listened to a lot of Rap music today. Mostly Timeflies, Logic, Childish Gambino, and the song “Sunday Candy”. I honestly couldn’t tell you why I listened to a lot of rap today.  It might have been because I was feeling a little more confident earlier in the day. Now, as I write this post in my depressed state, I find myself listening to more slower, sadder songs like “Dark Blue” by Jack’s Mannequin and “I Will Follow You into the Dark” by Death Cab For Cutie. I “watched” about an hour of Youtube. By “watch” I mean staring at the screen blankly, barely even paying attention to what was going on in what I was watching. I know that I watched an episode of Good Mythical Morning and something with Dan and Phil, but couldn’t tell you what I was watching for the other half hour. I honestly don’t remember. I also watched a few episodes of This is Us, but I’ve talked enough about that show, so I’ll just leave it at that. I would categorize this music and media as culture, because this music and media are things I enjoy reading/watching. It also expresses my emotions pretty well, especially the music and it’s change with the shift in today’s feelings.

Time for my least favorite part of writing this blog: the spending money portion. As you know, I did go to Starbucks and bought a latte as well as spent money at work. Today, I also had to put a two month deposit down for the apartment I am living in next year. Goodbye $1,500. I also decided that I needed to go grocery shopping before the Super Bowl, because I do not want to go out this weekend if I don’t have to. It’s just going to be a madhouse. So, I took a trip to target. Originally, I had a list of things I needed to buy, and also a list of what my roommate wanted me to get for her. That went out the window when I walked into the store. Let me just preface this by saying I like the idea of shopping, but after I spend 15 minutes shopping by myself I get really anxious and want to get out. I must look like a madwoman as I walk through the store talking to myself saying things mostly consisting of “I hate myself”. I swear shopping alone just vamps up my anxiety. Anyway, I am also really, really attracted to things that are on clearance. You can probably see where this is going. So, the first thing you see when you walk into Target is the clothes sections and of course there was a clearance shelf with shirts on it. Earlier in the week I had thought about buying more shirts, due to mine shrinking in the wash or having holes in them. So, I picked out 3 Target brand shirts (one long sleeve, two short sleeve) and plop them in my cart. That’s an extra $13 that I just added to my tab that I didn’t plan on spending. Of course, they put the makeup right next to the clothes, so of course I go look at it because there is so much makeup on clearance. I immediately go to the Covergirl section, because that is the kind of makeup I wear when I decided to wear makeup. The lipstick that I wear is on clearance for about $3, when it’s usually $10. And, they have it in different colors. I’ve always wanted to experiment with different lipstick colors, and with these being a brand I know and it only being $3, I figured why not. I picked out 5 different lipstick colors and added them to my cart. I don’t even wear that much makeup, but I apparently decided that I needed them. There goes another $15 that I hadn’t planned on spending onto my tab. It was at this point that I started to get anxious and wanted to get out. I started talking to myself a lot at that point and tried to ignore the fact that I felt like everyone was staring at me. I quickly grabbed the other things on my list, my roommates list, and other various snacks and headed to the checkout line as fast as I could. Bagging all of my stuff was just a disaster. It was a self-checkout, so I had to bag them myself, and I had the pressure of people waiting to use the register after me and it felt like they were breathing down my neck. It wasn’t a fun experience, but it was made even worse when I saw my total to be $76. Ugh. These groceries, clothing and apparently lipstick better be worth it. I would classify this spending experience overall as economy, due to me spending money. Also, I would like to argue that my purchasing of clothing and lipstick can be labelled as society due to the societal pressure placed on us to look good.