Mafuyu opened his phone and looked through his pictures, finding one of him and Ritsuka. He stared at it intently, not being able to help the smile that snuck onto his lips or the look that was pure adoration. There was so much trust in Ritsuka’s expression, and it was then that he realized what Shizu had been trying to tell him.

He was Ritsuka’s first, with all the responsibilities that implied, and he had been failing as a boyfriend. Taking everything for granted because he had experienced many of these things before. Even though every moment with Ritsuka was special to him in its own right, he’d never made that clear, never voiced how he felt outside of that first awkward confession when they had gone to see the ocean.

And suddenly, he felt ashamed of himself. He should have been making more of an effort to make things special for Ritsuka rather than letting him fumble about on his own.

He remembered thinking that his first song had been about his loss and grief and how he’d wanted the next one to be different. And filled with a sudden determination, he looked up his contacts until he found the number he wanted.

“Hiiragi, are you busy?” Mafuyu asked urgently, “I need your help.”

0-0

They had agreed to meet at the rehearsal studio Hiiragi and Shizu used with their band. Mafuyu thought he had arrived early, but Hiiragi and Shizu were already there waiting for him, curious expressions on their faces.

“What do you need us for?” Hiiragi bluntly asked, “Shizu and I were gonna go watch a movie.”

“I thought about what you said,” Mafuyu told Shizu, “and I want to write a song for Uenoyama.”

Mafuyu was nervous, Shizu had also mentioned he thought that Hiiragi had been in love with Yuki and he hadn’t really had a chance to absorb that yet, but he was determined to lock that away for later. His current task was more important than rehashing old history.

“Okaaay, and you need me cause of my awesome writing skills?” Hiiragi puzzled, warily waiting to be put down.

“As much as it pains me to admit it, yeah,” Mafuyu offered a nervous smile, and he almost rolled his eyes at the look that passed between his two friends.

“Sure, we’ll help,” Shizu responded, and although his expression was oddly blank, he gave Mafuyu a pat on his shoulder before opening the door to the studio and going inside.

0-0

“Ugh, why is this so hard?” Mafuyu complained, ripping yet another paper from his notebook and tossing it into the ever-growing pile. He wanted Ritsuka to understand how he made him feel, to have no doubt about his feelings.

“You’re fighting yourself, stop thinking so hard and just let yourself feel,” Hiiragi suggested, “Don’t try to put words together just let them flow out.”

Mafuyu stared at him, snide remark at the ready but he held it in realizing his friend was right, he was trying too hard to come up with the perfect words. He closed his eyes and thought about his boyfriend.

He thought about how grateful he was to him for helping him feel again, for never giving up on him and always pushing him to do his best. For basically holding his hand through the worst period of his life and showing him how much life still had to offer. Ritsuka had opened his eyes to a new world, one that still had room for his old one.

Mafuyu also thought about how he felt when he was in Ritsuka’s arms or when their lips pressed against each other, each time better than the last as Ritsuka became more comfortable with himself and his feelings.

He grabbed the notebook and started scribbling furiously, the words bursting out of him, ignoring his friends as they peered into his notebook. When he was finished, he put the pencil down and took a deep breath, almost afraid to show it to the others even though he knew they needed to see it for the next part.

He got up and went to get a drink, letting them look at it in his absence. To his surprise, they were already working on a melody by the time he returned.

“This is really good Mafuyu, by the time we’re done with it, he won’t know what hit him,” Hiiragi assured him.

0-0

Mafuyu sat on the same stairs where they had first met, guitar already out. He tuned it as he waited, knowing Ritsuka would show up soon, and he wasn’t disappointed.

“Are we practicing?” Ritsuka scratched the back of his neck in confusion.

“No,” Mafuyu smiled, “I wanted you to listen to something I’ve been working on.”

Ritsuka sat next to him, already excited as he always was whenever music was involved. Mafuyu stretched his fingers, suddenly nervous. He’d almost switched to a recording because he was having trouble with some of the chord progressions Hiiragi had come up with. It hadn’t helped that his friend had spent a good amount of time teasing him about his guitar skills or lack thereof, but Mafuyu had practiced almost nonstop since then, and he was reasonably confident he could do okay.

“Uhm, I’m not always great with words or telling you how I feel, so I uhm, I wrote you a song,” Mafuyu blushed profusely, looking down at the chords on his guitar even though by this point he could play it with his eyes closed.

“T- this one’s for you,” Mafuyu stuttered.

He began playing, his nerves soon replaced by the driving need for Ritsuka to know that he wasn’t a replacement for Yuki in his heart. He had carved his own place there, one that Mafuyu cherished. He had put all of his feelings and hopes into this song, and as he began to sing, he saw the surprise in Ritsuka’s eyes.

He’d leaned forward, listening intently to the words. His eyes softening as the song continued, and Mafuyu wasn’t sure, but he thought the corners of his eyes looked glossy. Mafuyu tried not to worry about the reaction and pushed on.

When Mafuyu finished, Ritsuka grabbed the guitar and set it aside carefully before crushing him in a hug and hiding his head on his shoulder. Mafuyu was sure he felt a slight dampness, but he had no time to worry about it as he was soon being kissed with a passion Ritsuka had never expressed before.

When Ritsuka finally let go of him, Mafuyu was dazed, barely managing to hold himself up.

“Thank you,” Ritsuka said simply, wiping his eyes with his sleeve, “No one has ever done anything like that for me before.”

Mafuyu was thrilled at the response, but all he could really think about was that kiss and how he wouldn’t mind another. Before he could say anything, his heart melted as Ritsuka smiled at him.

“I love you too,” he said before leaning in for another kiss.

When lunch was over, they got up from their hideaway, and just as they were getting ready to return to class, Ritsuka grinned happily, “I can’t wait to see what Haru and Kaji think of it!”

Ever since that day, they had lived as strangers, sharing the same house but not really speaking much outside of the necessary interactions to keep their parents off their radar, and Yayoi hated it.

She missed her little brother.

She looked at the bags she had placed on the kitchen counter earlier and hoped it was enough to repair what she’d broken. Yayoi grabbed the pot she would need to heat up the heavy cream, making as much noise as she was able in an effort to arouse her brother’s curiosity, but after a few minutes had passed, she gave up and went for a more direct approach.

“Ritsuka, can you come here for a moment?”

“What do you want?” his voice startled her, he’d been closer than she’d thought.

“Oh, hey! I was hoping you could help me with something,” Yayoi offered him her friendliest smile, the one which could usually get her anything she wanted from any male. Except for brothers apparently. Her smile dimmed as Ritsuka studied her with the same guarded expression that he’d given her since that day.

“Uhm, do you think you could chop up some chocolate for me?” Yayoi pleaded, “I have a shoot later today, and I can’t afford to break a nail.”

That was total bullshit. Even if she did such a thing, a nail artist would fix it promptly, but he didn’t have to know that.

“Fine,” Ritsuka went to the sink and washed his hands before accepting the packages of bittersweet chocolate from her and grabbing a large chef knife. He set about doing as she asked, and she used the time to think about what she wanted to say, not wanting to bring anything up while he was using a knife. His hands were just as important to him, especially now that his band seemed to be taking off.

She emptied out the remaining bags, placing the contents on the counter before filling the pot with the cream and putting it on the stove. She hummed a song as she waited for the cream to almost boil.

“What are you doing, anyway?”

“Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, I thought it would be nice to make some chocolates for Take,” Yayoi explained, and then as if the idea had just occurred to her she added, “I don’t suppose you’d like to make some as well?”

“For Take? Why would I?” Ritsuka frowned.

“No moron, for your friend. I mean boyfriend,” she quickly amended with a laugh, wincing when it came out brittle, “I bought plenty of ingredients. You know, in case I messed up.”

Ritsuka was studying her once again, his eyes narrowing in distrust. He went back to the chopping board, carefully scooping some of the chocolate into the bowl Yayoi had placed for that purpose before resuming his chopping.

“Please stop for a moment,” Yayoi pleaded, ignoring the pot for now as she watched her brother put the knife down and clench the edge of the counter tightly.

“I screwed up, okay? I know I did, and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said those things to you,” Yayoi hugged her brother, ignoring the fact that he stiffened at her touch.

“Why not? You meant them,” Ritsuka snapped, letting some of his anger surface.

“I - I did, but I was wrong to say anything. And if I’m honest, I was mostly angry at Akihiko at the time. I couldn’t accept that he preferred another man to me,” she confessed. She might not have been consciously aware of it at the time, but her conversation with Haruki had convinced her of that fact.

“Look, it doesn’t matter what I think, or whether I understand your feelings or not. The only important thing is that you feel that way and that it makes you feel happy.”

Ritsuka hung his head, and she let go of him finally, knowing he wasn’t a massive fan of physical affection, at least not from her.

“Scared,” Ritsuka corrected, turning to look at her.

“What?”

“It makes me scared to feel this way,” Ritsuka admitted bluntly, “but also happy.”

Yayoi smiled, “I think I know how you feel, I get the feeling Take is a bit too good for me. But don’t tell him I said that.”

Ritsuka laughed, the first real one she’d heard in a while. “He is, actually,” he teased, “Way too good for the likes of you.”

“I want to understand, I really do,” Yayoi insisted, wanting Ritsuka to realize how important this was to her, how important he was to her.

“You should meet him then,” he invited, his eyes lighting up as he spoke about his boyfriend, “His name is Mafuyu. He’s a bit awkward and shy, and his guitar playing could use some work, but he uhm, well, he’s alright.”

Yayoi stared at him in wonder and burst into giggles.

“What’s so funny?” Rituska’s voice wavered, and she could hear the hurt closing in, threatening to ruin her efforts again.

“That might just be the most I’ve heard you say all at once, that’s all,” she replied, still giggling. “I definitely need to meet the guy who can make my little brother so chatty.”

Ritsuka shoved her playfully with his hips, and she felt contented, at peace. This was more like it.

“Does Mafuyu like chocolate?”

“Yeah, but maybe not these so much.”

“Are you insulting my chocolates?”

“No, but we’ll need to start over, the cream just boiled over,” Ritsuka pointed out, and Yayoi could see he was right.

“Shit!” she ran to the stove, pointedly ignoring her brother’s snickers and snide remarks about her cooking skills.

Ritsuka had already taken out a new pot and was pouring the cream into it, having read over the recipe while she cleaned up.

“I guess I’ll make some too, Mafuyu does have a sweet tooth,” he mentioned casually, even as he complained when he examined the molds she had bought, “Did it have to be hearts though? It’s so girly.”

“Says the guy who’s dating another guy,” Yayoi teased, snickering at the way Ritsuka stuck his tongue out at her.

“I might be gay, but I’m not a girl.”

It was said in a flippant tone, but Yayoi recognized it for what it was, a declaration. And maybe a test of sorts to see how she would react.

“Got it,” she replied with a smile, “and for the record, I like you just the way you are, even if you are a pain in my ass.”

Ritsuka rolled his eyes at her, but the return of his smile was everything she could have hoped for. She knew she hadn’t fixed everything, this was only a beginning, but she would do her best to be worthy of the second chance he’d given her.

He knew something was wrong, but not what, and that feeling made him uneasy. Ever since Yuuki had died, his own feelings had become muted and confusing, but he had become hyper-aware of everyone else’s, and any pronounced change made him anxious.

It was something he had to work on for himself. Not every argument was going to be the final one, but the pain was still fresh, and the fear that it might happen again was overwhelming.

Just as he was getting ready to suggest the outing, some kids walked by holding kites in their hands, talking excitedly about going to the park. When Mafuyu looked back at his friends, half expecting to find Akihiko making a snide comment, he saw something unexpected.

Ritsuka was staring after the kids, the longing in his eyes unmistakable, and that gave Mafuyu an even better idea. “Would you like to fly kites too?”

Ritsuka pretended not to care, it was almost cute how hard he tried to seem unaffected by the question, but Mafuyu could still see the yearning, and he wanted nothing more than to give him this one simple thing. Before he could say anything, Akihiko immediately began to tease his boyfriend.

“Don’t tell me Uecchi never learned how.”

“My parents both worked. They didn’t have time to teach us stuff like that,” Ritsuka scowled, and his jaw tightened, “Besides, it’s not like I even care.”

Mafuyu could not believe his luck when Haruki spoke up, “I used to love flying kites as a kid, I can’t even remember the last time I did something like that. We should go, there are usually vendors at the park.’

He smiled at Ritsuka and patted him on his shoulder, “Come on, Uenoyama, I will not only buy you one, but I’ll also teach you how to fly it.”

“Should we stop at the convenience store and get some food?” Mafuyu asked.

Ritsuka immediately perked up at the mention of food, and so Mafuyu’s plan came together with barely any effort on his part. It took them about ten minutes to buy enough food and drinks for a small army, and off they went, Haruki explaining to Ritsuka what they were going to be doing while Mafuyu hung back in silence with Akihiko.

Haruki ended up buying Mafuyu a kite as well, leaving Akihiko with all the food and instructions to find them a spot for their picnic. To Mafuyu’s surprise, he accepted without complaint. They spent a fun afternoon flying kites, laughing when Ritsuka managed to tangle his in a tree. He looked so sad both Mafuyu and Haruki offered theirs as a replacement.

Ritsuka was actually smiling, and Mafuyu couldn’t help but feel its effect. It was so rare to see his boyfriend relax and enjoy something that wasn’t directly related to music. And he realized with a start that he had managed to do a first with his boyfriend, something he had only ever managed with Yuuki. Although if he thought about it, they had already shared a few firsts.

Soon Haruki hung back smoking one of his cigarettes, content to watch them but making no move to join Akihiko.

Ritsuka turned to him, his smile still as full as before, “Thank you for this, it was really fun.”

“You should thank Haruki, he’s the one who bought it for you,” Mafuyu reminded him.

“Should we go find Akihiko? I’m kind of hungry.”

Mafuyu agreed, looking at Haruki out of the corner of his eye to see how he reacted to the suggestion, but the bassist said nothing. He walked back to Ritsuka to teach him how to bring down the kite without ripping it. After a few scoldings from Haruki about being gentler, they were on their way.

They found Akihiko sprawled on the ground, having fallen asleep as he waited. They sat around him and began opening cans of soda, the noise waking up Akihiko.

“Did you enjoy yourselves?” Akihiko asked as he took out food items and passed them out.

“Mhmm,” Ritsuka managed as he took a gigantic bite from his sandwich.

There was an awkward silence after that. It was Haruki who always chattered, and without his example to follow, they sat quietly. Mafuyu began to feel anxious again, and before he even thought about what he was doing, he threw a chip at Ritsuka.

His boyfriend scowled at him, and Mafuyu threw the next one at Haruki, curious to see his reaction. Haruki began to lecture him about making a mess until a piece of fruit smacked his chest. They both looked to see who had thrown it, only to see Ritsuka smirking at them.

This created a chain reaction, with Akihiko joining in before long until even Haruki was taking part in the impromptu food fight. Food went everywhere they could get it. Soon they had escalated, shaking their cans and spraying each other with their drinks. Their laughs rang loud and true, and Mafuyu found he could breathe easier.

It wasn’t a fix by any means, but at least for now, a small chink had been made. The rest of the work would have to come from Akihiko and Haruki.

Yuuki walked over to the cabinet where his mother kept sake for the guests that never came. He grabbed the bottle, looking it over before making the decision to open it and pour himself a drink.

This was what people did when they were heartsick, wasn’t it?

He drank the contents of his cup in one go, not trusting himself to do it otherwise. He gagged briefly from the unexpected taste. He quickly poured himself another wanting to dull his feelings as quickly as possible.

Yuuki thought back to the first time they’d ever met, he’d been playing in his backyard with a toy his mother had gotten him when he’d first noticed the boy curled up on himself underneath a tree.

He remembered the excitement he’d felt at being able to have a friend next door, but Mafuyu’s eyes had been so sad and Yuuki remembered thinking even then that he wanted to see him smile because Yuuki was sure that sadness did not suit him.

And he’d been right, over the years he’d coaxed smiles out of Mafuyu and he cherished every single one. Every first, every experience was like a battle they’d won together. And when Yuuki had finally gotten the nerve to kiss Mafuyu nothing had ever felt as right to him as when Mafuyu kissed him back. It was like they’d been leading up to that moment since they met.

Their worlds had merged completely and Yuuki felt like nothing could ever stand in their way but now they were fighting each other and he had no idea how to fix it. He knew the fight was more than what it seemed, it wasn’t just about them spending less time together it was about the distance that was growing more and more marked between them.

He needed Mafuyu but he could feel him begin to slowly slip away from him, and the thought that one day Mafuyu might no longer be by his side terrified him.

They’d already had to go to different high schools and that had been hard. No more stealing kisses in empty classrooms, no more being able to spend every minute together as they had since they were little.

Yuuki drank another glass before looking at his phone thoughtfully, hoping for a text or anything to show that Mafuyu wasn’t angry with him anymore but there were only texts from Hiiragi asking about what when their next band practice was going to be.

He poured another drink and walked unsteadily towards the coffee table, setting it down and grabbing his Gibson guitar. Yuuki strummed slowly, enjoying the sounds the guitar made.

Music had been the way he’d dealt with all the changes. He hadn’t expected to love it so much but it helped him cope with some of the other things that were going on in his life and he’d found he needed it. He’d taken countless part-time jobs to be able to afford studio time, knowing his already overworked mom wouldn’t be able to help.

He closed his eyes, trying to sharpen his increasingly fuzzy thoughts so he could remember the melody Mafuyu liked to hum. Maybe he could finish writing the song, He’d been planning on surprising Mafuyu with it for his birthday but this was more important. He wanted to show Mafuyu that his feelings hadn’t changed, despite the constant separation and missed opportunities. That Mafuyu was and always would be the most important person to him.

He started to feel cold so he went back to the cabinet to get the rest of the sake, chasing the warmth it created in his stomach. Feeling the bottle almost empty he ignored the cup and just drank the rest directly from the bottle.

Feeling a bit better he sat back down grabbing his guitar once more. As he strummed his thoughts were of Mafuyu, of his kindness, of the way his bangs crossed cutely over his nose and the way his smile lit up his entire face. How their hands fit together perfectly.

Yuuki thought of the way he felt when they were intimate and of how much passion was hidden in the depths of Mafuyu’s soul. He even found himself thinking of Mafuyu’s soft-spoken voice and how melodious it was when he hummed his songs. He’d probably have a great singing voice, maybe that could be a way they could help bridge the distance. If he could bring Mafuyu into their band they could start spending more time together.

He smiled to himself wondering what that might be like but excited about the prospect. He’d talk to Hiiragi and Shizu about it tomorrow.

Yes, Mafuyu I would die for you but I would much rather live for you instead...

He put his guitar down carefully and on an impulse he grabbed his phone and started to text Mafuyu, just to say he loved him and he was sorry.

I love—

He collapsed on his bed not being able to overcome the sudden onset of drowsiness.

Tomorrow, he’d make everything better tomorrow.

Once he started spending more time behind the camera, his eyes became trained to notice little things, and after a while, he started seeing the world differently. More than anything else, Take thought this was probably what caused him to develop a slight infatuation for his friend. 

Take started noticing how Haruki’s eyes would light up to a warm, beautiful, amber color when he was excited about something, or the way the sunlight would kiss Haruki’s hair making it look like molten gold. He would find his eyes drawn to Haruki’s sensual mouth at the most unexpected times, especially the way he would bite his bottom lip when he was in deep thought. The intense longing he felt was confusing, so he kept it to himself, not wanting to complicate a friendship that was important to him.

He spent more time working on his music and his videos. He found girls he could take on double dates with Haruki, even though his feelings only continued to grow stronger. 

Things between them remained good until the day Haruki met Akihiko Kaji, and everything changed. 

Haruki invited Akihiko to create a band with him, and they soon recruited Uenoyama to join them. Little by little, Haruki started spending more time with his bandmates and less time with him. Take tried not to resent it, his life had gotten busier too now that he had a full-time job at the video editing company. But it didn’t help that he disliked Akihiko immensely. From the moment they were introduced, he knew the drummer was no good for Haruki, even as a friend. 

With time Take was shocked to learn that he didn’t know Haruki as well as he’d thought. For it wasn’t hard to recognize that Haru was infatuated with Akihiko. And it hurt to see the longing in his eyes, crashing all the hopes Take had ever held. Especially when Kaji was so obviously a player,  stringing his friend along with nothing more than empty words and loaded glances. 

But there was nothing he could do, he’d wasted years hiding his feelings, and now Haruki had made his choice. And though Take knew he could make him happy if given a chance, he wasn’t what Haruki wanted. 

If he valued their friendship, Take had no choice but to face that and move on. This time for real.

He just hadn’t expected it to be so hard to watch Haruki fall in love with someone else, knowing he’d never see him as anything more than his best friend.

Being with Haruki was addictive. He was the only one who saw Akihiko as someone worthwhile, even though Akihiko knew it to be far from the truth.

Every time he noticed the way Haruki’s eyes softened when he looked at him or how his entire body shivered when Akihiko played with his hair, it was the greatest high in the world. Better than any drug he’d ever tried, and even though he wasn’t sure what it meant, it didn’t stop him from wanting to feel it whenever he could. To imagine that he could somehow be the man Haruki seemed to see.

When had everything become so complicated?

Once, Akihiho had been someone who had potential. His family had been whole, and he’d been riding high on his second-place win at an international violin competition. But that had all changed the day he’d met Ugetsu Murata, the first place winner who had transferred to his high school.

Listening to Ugetsu play had driven home to Akihiko that his own ability was minuscule in comparison. Ugetsu had natural talent, his playing hauntingly beautiful, just as the boy himself.

Akihiko suddenly found himself both infatuated by the musician and disappointed in himself. He quickly understood that no matter how much he practiced, his violin playing would never move people in the same way, he would always be in Ugetsu’s shadow and that certainty tainted his love for the violin. So he dropped it and set about learning other instruments instead.

Then his parents had broken up and left him behind without even a way to contact them and all of a sudden he was on his own, having to find ways to earn money to pay for school and everything else.

Ugetsu had come to his rescue, letting him live in his basement for free. And while he had taken advantage of the gesture, it had also placed him in a slightly uncomfortable situation.

Now that he thought about it, though, Ugetsu was no different than this man… what the hell was his name?

It was really bugging him that he couldn’t remember. It made his stomach churn with an agitation he couldn’t remember feeling before.

Yes, Ugetsu had been his boyfriend once, but now they treaded a nebulous line that had no name. And although he wasn’t required to pay rent, sometimes it felt like he was repaying the favor with his body.

He and Ugetsu would fall into old habits, and just when he thought maybe they were finding their way back to each other, Ugetsu would show up with a new boyfriend in tow.

And every single time Akihiko would find himself feeling the same pain. He was tired of it, though. He wanted it to stop, but he didn’t know how to go about it. He felt like he was caught in an endless cycle

Akihiko stayed on, even when he knew he shouldn’t. So he drank too much, went home with strangers, fulfilling their desires in exchange for money as he tried hard not to think of what Haruki would think of him if he ever found out. Would his eyes still be soft, or would they harden with disgust?

He had still enjoyed music, but sometimes it had felt like he did it more for the routine of it than any real passion. Haruki had been the one to change that when he asked him to join his band. He’d somehow managed to make music fun again, and slowly Akihiko had managed to rekindle his love for music. And that, in turn, had slowly begun to work away at his apathy.

Akihiko couldn’t get Haruki out of his mind, it was almost like an itch he couldn’t scratch. Haruki, who was always so happy to see him. With his warm eyes and long beautiful honey-colored hair that was so soft to the touch. How Akihiko loved to run his fingers through it!

And as he visualized Haruki’s kind smile and shy blushes that he thought he hid so well, Akihiko was gripped with a certainty. He desperately wanted to be worthy of Haruki.

God, he wanted a cigarette.

He looked down at his naked body with disgust, realizing he needed to figure out who he wanted to be. For his own sake.

One thing was clear, he had to stop doing this. He promised himself tonight would be the last night, and although he had no idea how he was going to make up for the missed income, he would find a way. He needed to get his life back together, to get himself away from Ugetsu and all the things that tied them together.

Akihiko rose from the bed silently, gathering his clothes in the dark and dressing as quickly as possible. He managed to see an envelope addressed to the man on the kitchen counter on his way out.

Satoshi, his name was Satoshi.

Akihiko closed the door quietly behind him, breathing easier from the knowledge. The sun was beginning to rise, signaling the beginning of a new day, and Akihiko welcomed it.

He got on his motorbike, putting on his helmet and jacket before hurrying to his destination. Once there, he stopped for a moment to admire the sunrise before running up the stairs to Haruki’s apartment. Now that he had made up his mind, he needed to see him.

He knocked on the door impatiently until Haruki came out dressed only in a pair of jeans. His hair was disheveled, his expression confused at seeing Akihiko outside his door so early in the morning.

Akihiko thought he’d never seen him look more beautiful.

“Kaji-san, what are you doing here so early?” Haruki asked, covering his yawn with his hand, even as he studied Akihiko for any clue as to why he was there. He moved out of the way and let him into his apartment.

Akihiko grabbed Haruki by the arm and gently nudged him towards his balcony, “I was just in the neighborhood and wanted to have a smoke.”

Haruki scolded him for his foolishness but allowed himself to be led just the same. Akihiko lit two cigarettes, passing one to Haruki who accepted it without comment. They watched the sunrise together in silence, both men instantly relaxed in the other’s presence.

Akihiko would have to come up with some excuse for his presence later, but he didn’t let it concern him now. He was glad he’d come.

He knew he wasn’t worthy of this man yet, but Akihiko was now determined that someday soon he would be.

A/N: I'm trying to get a handle on the characters before I attempt writing any substantial fics, so this is more of a trying to get into Akihiko's mind than anything else. I hope it's enjoyable nonetheless. It feels so strange to be writing for another fandom...

He brought his attention back to the instrument that he didn’t know what to do with, the same as he’d done for several days now. Their history was complicated, to say the least. Both had shared the love of the same boy, and now that he was gone, the guitar was a harsh reminder of everything Mafuyu had lost.

Yuuki’s mom had brought it by, determined that Yuuki would have liked him to have it. Mafuyu was sure she’d meant well, Yuuki had been a large part of his life since they were very young, but he also couldn’t help but wonder how much of the gesture had been motivated by her own guilt. Was she as caught up in it as he was? Did she know what their last words to each other had been?

So hurtful, the words he’d said. Mafuyu hadn’t meant them, had regretted them as soon as he’d said them, but he’d been too stubborn and angry to take them back. After all, there would be plenty of time to do that once they’d made up.

When he hadn’t heard from his boyfriend for two excruciatingly long days, he went to see him, determined to apologize for his thoughtlessness, to put the stupid fight behind them. He’d let himself in as he had hundreds of times before, calling out to Yuuki, knowing he would have been home from school already. He’d noticed that very same guitar lying on the floor, and it had given him pause, knowing Yuuki always placed it almost reverently in its case when he wasn’t using it.

That was his first indicator that something was wrong. A horrid creaking noise that Mafuyu couldn’t place at first was the next. It had sent shivers up his spine. He wasn’t sure if he’d already known what he was going to see then, but he’d instinctively known something wasn’t right in the too quiet apartment.

Mafuyu had unconsciously picked up the guitar from the floor and walked into Yuuki’s bedroom, feeling all the breath go out of him in a loud gasp as he was faced with Yuuki. Suddenly, he found himself holding the guitar tightly against his chest, almost as if seeking its comfort at what his eyes were having trouble accepting.

His hand grasped the neck of the guitar tightly, his fingers squeezing the strings in an attempt to ground himself, and just as his heart exploded into a million pieces, he’d heard the twang of the guitar’s strings snapping under his fingers from the pressure.

Yuuki, who had been so full of life, who had given Mafuyu a voice when he’d been too afraid to speak on his own, had hung himself. He would never speak again. Would never tell Mafuyu how much he loved him, or laugh at him in that annoying yet endearing way he had about him.

Mafuyu had done that. If only he’d —

He stopped his train of thought before he could go down that rabbit hole once again. It made no difference. Yuuki was gone, and no amount of self-recrimination was going to bring him back. So many questions ran through his mind every day, as he went through the motions of his life.

He found himself staring at the instrument once again. In a way, that guitar had been his rival at love, something he’d once resented. Now he would do anything to be able to watch Yuuki play it, just once. To hear the sounds he made, the joy that he brought to everything.

Mafuyu felt something shift inside him and wondered if he’d finally be able to let his tears flow, but nothing happened. All of his thoughts and feelings were tangled up in a tight knot that refused to unravel no matter how hard he tried to give them a voice, and it was so frustrating.

He didn’t know how he was supposed to feel. Even though all he did was think about what had happened, he still couldn’t talk about it. Yuuki had been his everything, and without him, Mafuyu felt adrift. There were even times when he would absently reach out for the hand that had always led him, and when he came up empty, he’d break all over again.

He was trapped inside himself, reliving those last moments over and over, hoping for a better outcome that would never come. He got up and walked toward the instrument tentatively, not sure why he was doing so or what he expected to find but compelled to do so just the same.

Mafuyu unzipped the case and carefully took the guitar out, his lips curling for a short second at the bright color that was so typical of his boyfriend, only to be replaced by a pang of longing so sharp it made his stomach clench. He let himself drop on his bed as Tama yipped excitedly at his feet.

He almost put it away then, but on a whim, he wrapped the strap around his shoulder and let it sit on his lap for a few minutes, letting himself get used to its weight. As silly as it sounded, he felt a sort of kinship to this guitar. It had shared the worst moment of his life, and even though it was an inanimate object, Mafuyu couldn’t help but feel that it suffered from the same suffocating silence he did.

He inspected the instrument more closely, noticing the strings he’d broken in his shock. He felt horrible, having destroyed something Yuuki had loved. He fell back on his bed with the guitar still draped on his body, his arms wrapping loosely around it.

I miss you.

The next day Mafuyu picked up the guitar case and took it with him to school, not giving much thought as to why he did so. Soon he found himself taking the guitar with him everywhere. Its weight on his body grounded him, made him feel like a part of Yuuki was still with him somehow.

At lunch, he would head to the set of deserted stairs he’d found, avoiding the other students and cradling the guitar in his arms as he napped. But still, he couldn’t shake the sorrow he felt at having broken the guitar’s strings, dooming it to forever be silent.

Until the day when the dark-haired boy came to take a nap in his spot. Mafuyu sat up groggily, moving out of the way, but to his surprise, the boy sat next to him. They shared the step in uncomfortable silence, and in a surge of curiosity that was very out of character for him, Mafuyu asked him who he was.

Uenoyama was gruff and awkward, but he did say something that changed everything. Yuuki’s guitar could be fixed, all it needed was to have the strings replaced.

Mafuyu watched with interest as Uenoyama did just that, replacing the strings and tuning the guitar with practiced skill, playing a chord to test his handiwork. The pure sound reverberated inside of Mafuyu, filling him with awe, and loosening the knot inside him slightly, giving way to a small spark of hope.

In his excitement, Mafuyu found himself reaching out to another for the first time since Yuuki’s death.

“Please teach me how to play that thing!”

The one whose love had given them both voice was gone forever, there was no changing that. But maybe, just maybe, if Mafuyu could learn to play Yuuki’s guitar, they could somehow give voice to each other.